Katharine Hepburn has won 4 Oscars for Best Actress. Megan Fox was nominated for "Best WTF Moment" at the MTV Movie Awards. Katharine Hepburn is ranked the #1 actress in AFI's "50 Greatest Movie Legends." Megan Fox is ranked #3 in the hotties with the hottest rack list on Michael Bay's basement refrigerator. Katharine Hepburn is considered one of the greatest actors of all time. Megan Fox is considered one of the dumbest bitches of all time.
"What Megan has done is confuse everybody thoroughly. To me, she's doing something more interesting than what a lot of other young people in movies are doing. Katharine Hepburn, one of the most appreciated actresses today, was hated back in her heyday. She was box office poison…They didn't understand her. Yet now we all look back and go, 'OK, she was incredible.' I would love to be the person who puts Megan in a film in which she can actually do something interesting."
Josh Brolin is not alone. Earlier this year, Mickey Rourke said Megan was the most talented actress he has ever worked with. The fuck? Does she lick the taint that good?
I'm sure my night nurse at the retirement home will be spoon feeding me my own words when we watch Megan Fox accept the Honorary M. Night Shyamalan Lifetime Achivement Award at the Oscars in 40 years.
Esteemed scientists and doctors (Oh god, now I sound just like Megan Fox) discovered a while ago that the mere sight of Megan Fox's face triggers a Tourettes-like tick that sends a message from your brain to your eye balls to roll roll roll roll. Roll like they're trying to get far far away from Megan Fox and all the ridiculousness that trickles out of her mouth like slobber.
So because of this, I wasn't surprised to hear from Megan herself that people regularly give her the international eye sign for "BITCH PLEASE" when she brings up her beloved marriage to David Silver. Megan tells Elle:
“When I talk about my husband [Brian Austin Green], I feel as if people roll their eyes. It’s like when you’re 16 and order a martini, and the waiter says, ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ They can’t grasp that I’m old enough to be married.”
Somebody give Megan the names and numbers of the esteemed doctors I was talking about so she knows that people aren't rolling their eyes at her because she got married to David from 90210 at the mind-bogglingly young age of 24. It's because she's Megan Fucking Fox!
And don't you dare call Megan a dumb slut, because when she was 16 she was inside of the bar ordering a grown up martini like Don Draper while all of us sat on a parking block outside sharing a 2 liter of Strawberry Shasta spiked with Popov. Megan is, was and will always be wise beyond her years!
Wait, now that I think about it, we were outside getting buzzed while Megan was inside getting denied. Okay, you can call her a dumb slut now, but make sure you follow it with an eye roll so it counts!
Whoever is in charge of holidays needs to officially declare it Celebrity Yearbook Photo Week, because we've already seen Christina Hendricks and Jakey G before they were famous. And now here's Megan Fox's middle school yearbook picture courtesy of ONTD!!
Long before Megan switched faces with a mannequin, she was just a regular 7th grader at John Hopkins Middle School. A regular 7th grader who obviously just learned the power of a pair of tweezers. Megan probably spent the entire hour in homeroom slowly plucking the ends of her brows. I know her ass! There was this one girl my 7th grade class who was so damn trigger happy with a pair of tweezers that it made me weep inside! My brow-loving soul would curl up as I watched brow follicle after brow follicle slowly fall on her book cover made from a grocery store paper bag. Brow abuse! By the end of the school year, bitch had two half brows. Two half brows definitely make a one big wrong! Thankfully, it doesn't look like Megan Fox went that far.
And now, you should celebrate Yearbook Photo Week by sharing your 7th grade picture. I would go first, but I threw that shit in the trash a long time ago. My ass looked like a SANS FARDS Tootsie with braces and a mushroom head haircut.
After Christian lets in that bright ass light at the end of Lost, Charlie is dragged down to the basement to live in a dump house where he and Megan Fox slap each other around while Eminem hops like a bunny in the backyard and RiRi McDonald brings the raw emotion in the front.
This is the video for Eminem and RiRi's "Love The Way You Lie", which some say is taking domestic violence and putting it in front of a camera at Glamour Shots. You be the Judge Judy.
One of the things that concerns me the most about this video is that some coked up movie executive is going to see the shot of Megan Fox with flames shooting out of her hands and think to himself, "We've finally found our star for the Firestarter remake!" DAMN YOU, EMINEM!
Megan Fox once said that she fiercely guards her privacy with her toe thumbs, but methinks a little thing called "BITCH NEEDS A CHECK" caused her to release a bunch of pictures from her Hawaiian beach wedding to David Silver. Entertainment Tonight aired the pictures last night, and you might want to watch it with the STFU button set to ON.
I mean, Samantha Harris is the not robot I'd want to narrate my wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. This shit is the last thing Samantha's voice should be used for. Samantha should be narrating orientation videos in torture chamber waiting rooms. Samantha's voice should be alerting riders that they've reached the 9th circle in Hell's elevator. Samantha's voice should be used as a dog whistle to shut up Mel Gibson when he starts to rage bark.
If Samantha's voice and a Megan Fox quote battled it out in a cage fight for the title of the MOST ANNOYING SHIT ON EARTH, I don't know which one would come out alive.
14-year-old boys and middle-aged nerds who regularly get yelled at by their moms for leaving skidmarks in their underoos will be weeping into their custom made World of Warcraft bed sheets tonight, because Star Magazine is saying that prolific philosopher Megan Fox got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii last week. Well, at least the fanboys will always have the beautiful memories of their wedding to a Megan Fox cardboard cutout (which has the same IQ as the real Megan Fox).
Megan and BAG got engaged for a second time over a week ago in Hawaii after dating on-and-off for about 6 years. A source says that the wedding took place at the Four Seasons on the big island of Hawaii on either Thursday or Friday. The source gave a few details, "They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests! They had so many security people that they had to call in local security because the hotel security alone wouldn’t do. It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy. The place is perfect for a Hollywood wedding. It’s very romantic and scenic. Megan and Brian had already been there for a few days. It seemed like a spur of the moment thing. I don’t think it had been planned long. Megan and Brian are still there at the hotel, relaxing. They’re now celebrating their honeymoon."
Megan's spokesbitch has yet to confirm or deny this mess. If this is true, it will be the first marriage for both of them. BAG has a kid with Vanessa Marcil.
Hopefully, someone at that wedding had a Flip cam to get this shit on video, because you know Megan Fox recited an Aerosmith ballad Old English-style (for a touch of class) as her vows.
And since Megan married David Silver, that means she's officially Megan Fox-Silver. FOX SILVER! It's a tragic day when Megan Fox is closer to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper than I am.
If it wasn't for that bulging vein on her forehead, I'd assume this was an anamatronic blow-up doll at the porn museum. Now, I understand that Megan Fox has to inject Botox into her head to freeze all the millions of profound thoughts seeping from her brain so she can focus, but she should really stop putting that other shit into her face before Heidi Montag files a copyright infringement lawsuit against her or Spencer Pratt tries too woo her back with his crystals.
Although, if she keeps filling her lips with collagizz she won't be able to move her mouth muscles anymore, which means she won't be able to talk on her own. Hermmmm. Keep mouth fucking that needle, Megan!
And here's more of Megan at last night's Jonah Hex premiere in Los Angeles which included appearances by: Josh Brolin (is he coked up?) with Diane Lane, James Brolin with
John Goodman as Linda Tripp Barbra Streisand, and Wes Bentley.
UsWeekly is saying that while prolific philosopher Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were vacationing in Hawaii a couple of weeks ago, he got down on one knee in the sand, pulled out an engagement ring and sang "Be, be, be my love....oh-ooooooooooh" to her. Brian was so lost in his own sweet sweet groove that he accidentally dropped the ring in the sand and lost it. You know the ring saw Megan Fox's face and immediately quit that bitch, because it didn't want to be attached to her for the next few months. Truthery.
A source says that staff from the hotel spent their precious time trying to look for the ring. The source went on to say, "I saw her jumping up and down. Later, I saw a half dozen staff sifting through the sand. Security and maintenance staff spent a couple of hours looking for it. No one found it."
That's because there was no ring in the first place. Brian Austin Green faked that bitch out. Dude pulled a "Oh, here's a 10-carat diamond ring for you....Woops....I dropped it...Oh no...I spent all my money on that so now I have to buy you something from Zales" shit! Dude might be more of a genius than her if you can believe that.
UPDATE: Megan's rep tells People that it is true, she's engaged. Try not to care too much.
Both Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke have already creamed at the mouth about how much they loved working with each other on the movie Passion Play. Well, Megan was so touched by Mickey that she honored him by getting a tattoo across her ribs.
Megan explains to MTV, "Mickey is such a beautiful, wonderful human being. He's so genuine and so sweet and so talented. I just love him to death. I kept telling him that he needs to have kids, because I think he's going to be an amazing dad. I hope he does that soon. actually got a tattoo that is sort of in honor of him. It's on my ribs. I don't know if it's been photographed yet, but it'll come out eventually, I'm sure. I just love him very much and think he's very special."
No, the tattoo is not of a popped hemorrhoid with eyes. It's the Nietzsche quote: "Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record.
But seriously, in a coffin somewhere Nietzsche's skeleton is smiling, because he was always told as a young man that one day one of his quotes would be important enough to be etched into the body of a ho who would probably be working the morning shift at a Hooters in Tennessee if Michael Bay wasn't a horny douchebag. And that day has finally come! Nietzsche, you've finally made it!
And I give Megan's tattoo 4 out of 5 Sad Lokis:
This is what I've been trying to tell you all along! Hustler's answer to Nietzsche doesn't really have the intelligence of an empty bedpan. No, Megan Fox is just playing that part in the media so you don't see the real her. The real her which is a bona fide fucking genius! Snort a Valtrex, because Megan Fox is blowing your mind.
In a conversation with Zach Galifianakis for Interview Magazine (via NYDN), Zach asked Megan about her "Michael Bay is like Hitler" comment. Megan stopped writing her thesis on Finnegans Wake (she does that kind of stuff for fun) and said, "In the past, I've been reluctant to share any bits of truth about myself or to really let people in on my reality. So I have said some things to throw people off the scent of what's really going on in my life. So I have sort of aided the media in printing these misconceptions, which I regret."
It's as if a piece of shit spat out another piece of shit so that you couldn't say for sure that it's the one who smells like a piece of shit. Is that right? Hmm. Oh, how I wish I was Megan Fox so my brain wouldn't hurt after thinking about stuff.
Here's a few pictures of Megan in Interview with a friend. Guess which one doesn't have a working brain? Yes, that's a trick question.