Heather Mills

Fart away, JLo, because there's a new Queen of the Boogie Down and her name is Heather Mills (Dear The Bronx, I'm queefing out jokes, so please don't murder me with your eyes).

The Wicked Cunt of the UK dropped into the Bronx yesterday to open the first American branch of her vegan fast-food restaurant V-Bites (aka The Cunt Cafe). Heather is really trying to turn everybody in the Bronx into cardboard-eating vegans, because she's already donated $1 million in vegan food to underprivileged children there.

While I was doing research for this important story (because I'm a serious journalist), I found this hot quote from the New York Daily News. Last year, they asked some residents of the Bronx about Heather Mills. Lashawnda Floyd said this: "Yeah, that's the one with one leg or something."

And seeing Heather standing next to her vegan restaurant really makes me want to eat a hot dog wrapped in bacon and stuffed between two hamburger patties with steak gravy on top.

Last night in Los Angeles, the cunty cuntress of cuntery, Heather Mills, launched her new recycled fashion line called Be@one. Heather should've called her line Be@trash or Be@fug, because her clothes Be@SHIT!!

Heather told the audience that all of her pieces were made out of clothes and textiles that normally would be thrown into the trash. Heather said, "The collection consists of women’s and menswear, designed for the assertive, fashionable and eco-conscious person. All the fabrics used in the pieces have been carefully sourced and remodeled into something unique and highly wearable."

Wearable for who exactly? Old timey prostitutes who were just attacked by Jack the Ripper? Or child touching flashers who want to fancy up their look a bit? Seriously, all of these clothes look like the halfway point of a Project Runway challenge.

Heather, stick to being a big cunt and leave the designing to the professionals (like Sheree).

And I don't know about you, but in these pictures, Heather looks like something the Benjamin Button baby of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. It must be those maniacal eyes.

And here we go. Get your fist ready and apologize to your monitor in advance, because Heather Mill's tongue is at it again. Poor, poor, poor Heather is just sick of being nailed to the cross with LIES and she is ready to spend her whole life fighting to get the truth out there. Heather is like a cunty version of Fox Mulder. Better yet, she's this generation's Gandhi. There goes your fist....

Heather told her local paper in Brighton (via Yahoo!) that she can relate to Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Gandhi, because they were all attacked by H8rs while trying to truth-tell. The Kate Gosselin of the UK queefed, "They were people who went through controversy to put the truth forward and they weren't afraid to fight and I can relate to that completely."

Gandhi believed in non-violence, but I think he would agree that we can briefly put that belief on hold to whoop this trick's ass!

(Thanks Jayne)

If I should happen to drop dead in the next few seconds, I want the last words I have every typed to be: HEATHER MILLS IS A FUCKING CUNT. ... .......... I'm still alive. Although, I may not be so lucky the next time, because Heather Mills says that anybody who writes shit about her will become worm meat.

In an interview with The Observer (via Digital Spy), Heather queefed, "The truth always outs in the end - no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumour, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round."

I've been in Heather's cunty corner until she brought up the whole "karma" thing. Does Heather really want to hop there? If she really believes in that shit, why hasn't she been hit by a runaway bus in the middle of Abbey Road? Or lost a leg.... Oh, wait.

A few months ago, Heather Mills bought a popular sea kitten restaurant in East Sussex, England and fired all the bitches. Heather queefed that she was going to turn the place into a vegan restaurant. Well, the time has come! Heather opened V-Bites yesterday and the only rotten kipper in the joint is Heather herself!

You know, the name "V-Bites" sounds short for vagina bites. This makes sense since Heather's cunt does have teeth. Speaking of cunts.....

Heather's hair is just two snips and a taser attack away from looking just like Kate Gosselin's electrocuted possum head. Cunty cunts think alike! The Cuntress of the US and The Cuntress of the UK should really join forces and declare world domination. Two cunts are always better than one.

And because this post doesn't have enough of the "cunt" word....CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!

It's not even noon and the cunt word is already blasting in my head. It's going to be the best day ever. And I have to thank Heather Mills for that, because the cuntiest cunt who ever cunted is back to cunting some more!

The Daily Mail says that Heather has bought a sea kitten (fish to those who aren't fluent in crazy Peta talk) restaurant near her kingdom of evil in East Sussex, England. When Peggy Leggy gets done with it, she'll be the only dead fish in the joint since she plans to only serve grass and wet cardboard (aka vegan food). Heather also fired the entire staff. You know that made her stump pucker. Bitch probably turned of all the lights, put a flashlight to her face and declared, "You're all fireeeeeeed" and then laughed haughtily. She was planning to disappear all dramatic-like in a cloud of dry-ice, but her fake leg rotated a bit, so she had to hop away which killed her big exit.

Not only did the staff get fucked, but so did the owner. That's what he thinks anyway. Nick Short, the former owner, said Heather has been to the restaurant at least 20 times. She even came with Paul McCartney before he hated her. Heather told Nick to call her if he was ever interested in selling it. When he decided it was time, he rang her up and said he was trying to unload the popular joint for £255,000. Heather agreed. But true to her cunty nature, Heather changed the agreement a few months later. The new price Heather wanted to pay was £140,000. Heather blamed THE ECONOMY.

Nick told the Daily Mail, "I'd put off other buyers who were offering the full price thinking I had a deal with Heather. There was nowhere else I could go." Nick also doesn't think a vegan restaurant is going to swim very far in that neighborhood. Don't tell that to Heather, because if that joint is a success, she plans to open more worldwide.

It sounds to me like that Heather's restaurant doesn't have a leg to stand on. I give it two hot seconds. I give it one hot second before the locals unofficially name it Cunty McCunts with the help of a can of spray paint.

It's not even noon and I'm already shouting "CUNT!!!" at the top of my lungs. It's going to be a good day. So, it's time for your daily dose of delusion brought to you by the world's most hated whore Heather Mills! Let the c-word roll off your tongue. It's a wonderful sensation.

Heather Mills tells Page Six Magazine that ever since she has moved to NYC, men have been chasing her everywhere! The mega cunt said, "I've got so many stunning girlfriends who can't get a boyfriend. But when I go out here, I get asked out all the time, and my girlfriends - who are better looking than me - say, 'How the hell does that happen?!' Maybe it's because I'm comfortable with myself."

Okay, what kind of men are "chasing" her? Are these Biggest Loser candidates we're talking about, because you shouldn't have to run that fast to catch her. She only has one leg! An alcoholic turtle with irritable bowel syndrome could catch up to her without trying.

I don't think men are actually asking her out on a real date. They just want to get close to her so they can do the world a favor and punch her teeth out to hopefully shut her up for a while. Say it all together now......CUUUUUUNT! It's like cunty music to my ears....

Heather Mills' former nanny has joined the long list of people who can't stand the cunt and would give anything to beat her down with her fake leg. Seriously, if Heather got a leg for every time someone said they hated her ass....

Sara Trumble has filed a complaint with an employment tribunal claiming Heather Mills is a cunt to work for and forced her to do a bunch of shit that was beyond her regular duties. Sara said that after Heather's divorce from Paul McCartney, she had to work long hours, blow dry Heather's hair every morning at 7:30 and spray tan her one-legged ass once a week.

Okay, the spray tanning part couldn't have been that bad. I mean, she only had to spray one leg, so it probably took less time than usual. And if Sarah hated Heather so much, she could have taken out her frustrations while blow drying her hair. I would have accidentally shoved the blow dryer up her ass while it was on high. It was an accident!

Heather's side says that Sara is just out for cash and she was hired to be a nanny and a housekeeper. Heather claims after Sara came back from maternity leave, her hours were changed to accommodate her new baby. Heather also gave Sara some of her daughter's hand-me-downs and also took her on some beach vacation. She's so fucking generous.

So Heather is accusing Sarah of pulling a "Heather Mills"? How damn ironic.

You know, if you agree to take a job from Heather Mills, you should know that you're basically working for Satan's cunt. You should also be okay with the word "cunt" becoming a regular part of your vocabulary. When you work for Heather Mills, you will become one with the word "cunt." You will fall in love with the word. Heather should put that in the damn contract. Shit. Maybe I should work for the cunt. That's a word I would love to say all day and all night. I would especially love to whisper it into Heather's fugly ear while I "blow dry" her hair. Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!

Source

Being a successful gold digger is so much more than just stealing a mountain of cash from a sugar daddy and spending it on platinum dildos and diamond clitty rings. Once you have that money, you have to put together some kind of business plan to keep that cash working for you for years to come. All whores have to be smart about their cash. I watch "Cathouse" on HBO. All these hookers have "plans" or something. Unfortunately, Heather Mills is not one of those smart whores.

The Sun reports that Heather has already burned through $20 million of her $50 million divorce settlement in just seven months. What has she actually been buying? Heather has spent most of her cash on her homes of sin. She reportedly had a $2 million pool put into her England home. She bought a $5 million apartment in NYC and spent around $12 million in renovating her other joints. Heather also paid her staff members around $500,000. Recently, she donated $1 million in vegetarian food to a group of kids in the Bronx. Yes, because kids really love tofu dogs and bird seed patties.

Some source said, "Heather's been moaning her money isn't going as far as she thought, but she's just burning her way through it. She reckons she has spent £10million since the divorce and still doesn't have a finished house to live in. She hasn't changed. In her eyes the whole world is against her."

Oh Heather, your eyes aren't lying to you, but you have to be a smart whore. Looks don't last forever....or in your case.....your wooden leg isn't going to stay fresh for eternity. You have to depend on yourself, because there's probably not a rich man on this planet who will get near you without at least a dozen lawyers surrounding him. Learn to be a frugal slut. And if you really need money that bad, then you can always leak a sex tape. Hey, some bitches are into that sort of shit!

Something tells me that Heather Mills can't stay away from a court room for too long or her leg starts to get all splintery. The cunt loves a good lawsuit. This time she's suing her former spokesbitch and fellow crazy, Michele Elyzabeth. By the way, you have to read her name with a lisp. That's the correct way. Try it again. Mithell Elithabeth.

When Heather and Michele parted ways a little while ago, Michele went to the papers claiming all types of shit. She said Heather purposely tried to smear Paul McCartney's name during their divorce. She also called Heather a money-obsessed witch with no heart. Let's all say it together now: tell us something we don't know!

Heather wants $500,000 from Michele for libel, breach of confidence and illegal lie-telling.

If Heather sued every whore that has called her a "bitch," she would have to drag in 99% of the world's inhabitants including animals and plants. I'm sure my fern calls her a "dumb cunt" on a weekly basis.

Source: DM