Being knocked up is really taking Posh Beckham on an emotional ride to foreign places she hardly visits, like external happiness. Posh served her signature plate of bitchface with a side of half-smile at the Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony for Simon Fuller, the creator of American Idol and the manager of the Spice Girls, in L.A. today. Posh has a reputation as a stone cold disciple of aloofness to uphold, so I'm just going to assume her baby's fart bubbles floated up to her mouth muscles and pushed them up a bit. It wasn't intentional!
Or maybe she slightly broke character when she got her daily dose of protein by nibbling on the photographer's soul through his lens. It's so much better to nibble on souls than to nibble on food with your mouth. Mouths are for letting out a sigh when your stupid ass assistant brings you the wrong pair of beige 10" platform stilts! They aren't for eating!
Here's more of the Dark Crystal refugee with her son Brooklyn, Simon Fuller, Randy Jackson, JLo and Skeletor at that shit today.
It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!
Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!
You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.
Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.
Or maybe that's a hybrid of her sexyface and doodybubbleface. Yeah, that's probably it, because I'm pretty sure JLo injects potent Botox in her cooch so she never has to piss again! So, at the London Hotel in West Hollywood, CA today, JLo Kardashian filled the room with the toxic scent of scorched wig and burnt Styrofoam (blame the lights) while talking about her new line of "lifestyle" crap with Skeletor for Kohls. So now you know where to get a pillow case that camouflages your bronzer skid marks and a scarf that doubles as a bib you can use to wipe any virgin guts you got on your cheek while feeding.
Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.
JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)
Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.
Skeletor took the night off from hunting virgins for their blood to take JLo to her big 40th birthday party in NYC. It might have been JLo's night, but Skeletor is the one who really got lucky. Bitch got to touch one of her tetas! You know this is the farthest he's gotten with JLo since he stuck his brittle wang bone in her real quick to make the Dragon Tales twins.
Normally, JLo would fart on him for pulling this kind of move in public, but she didn't know what was going on. First of all, because of the 10 tons of make-up on her eyes, she couldn't see too good. Second of all, she really didn't have much feeling in her chichis, because her tight ass girdle cut off all circulation to them.
Happy Belated Birthday to JLo! And Happy Titty Touching Day to Skeletor!
Christian Bale is really fucking serious. When dude plays a crackhead, he goes all the way. He crawls into the mind of Amy Wino and doesn't let go until the last "cut" is screamed. This is Christian on the set of The Fighter in L.A. yesterday. Dude plays a boxer turned crackie. Judging by those clothes, it looks more like he's playing Screech in a dark and dramatic sequel to Saved By The Bell.
That apple is probably the only thing he's nibbled on in days. Seriously, food and him are fucking done professionally...and personally. My stomach is weeping at the thought of how he lost all that weight. He probably just hung around Lindsay HoHan for an hour or two. Learn from the best!
And I'm guessing this is what you would call "meth hair."
Yesterday, JLo finished the Malibu Triathlon in 2 hours, 23 minutes, then got on a plane, hooked up Skeletor to an IV and headed for NYC. JLo threw her husband a 40th birthday party at the Bowery Hotel. Yes, 40. Four. Zero. I mean, they say 40 and we say 340. Mutant vampires zombies live a long time.
Guests included that hag Leah Remini, Dita Von Teese, Kimora, Dijmon Honsou, Brooke Shields, Allegra and Donatella Versace. Donatella and Skeletor feed from the same blood bank, so they're really close friends.
Heidi Klum was reportedly invited to the party, but refused to show up after JLo pulled out from judging "Project Runway." As you know, JLo's rep said she injured her fugly foot and wanted to stay off of it so that she could compete in the triathlon.
A source told MSNBC's The Scoop that JLo is lie-telling about the foot shit. They said that JLo was in talks to star in a film for The Weinstein Company, who also produce PR. When JLo found out she didn't get the role, she got upset and pulled out as a judge. Who cares why she pulled out! We should be grateful that we have been spared! I'd take Tim Gunn over JLo any day. Fuck, I'd take a caca sandwich over JLo.
Here's some pictures from Skeletor's birthday party last night. And just for shits, I've also added some pictures of JLo getting hit by a wave during the triathlon. Her trainer had to pull her drowning ass out of the water. HAHAHAHAHA!