Skeletor could never move on from losing Castle Grayskull to He-Man time and time again, but when it comes to love dude moves a whole lot faster. Just one month after breaking up with Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, Marc Anthony has already moved on to a new piece, 21-year-old Topshop heiress and reality show trick Chloe Green. Chloe was friendly with 44-year-old Skeletor when he was still married to JLo and now their friendship has bloomed into some full-time humping.
Skeletor took the 5-year-old Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA on Tuesday and his new piece Chloe came along for the rides. Skeletor and Chloe held hands, canoodled out in the open and she carefully listened while holding Emme as he told her about his plans to conquer Cinderella's Castle since he could never fully conquer Castle Grayskull.
The Daily Mail points out that Chloe is 2 years younger than Skeletor's eldest kid Ariana and 4 years younger than JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece Casper Smart.
The good news for Casper is that since he's 4 years older than Chloe, he's still the captain of the children's table and so the last bit of sparkling apple cider STILL goes in his plastic sippy cup. The bad news is that since there's another thirsty mouth at the children's table, there won't be any leftover sparkling apple cider anymore. Damn you, Skeletor! You ruin everything.
Here I was thinking that Panthor already mourned the divorce of the Dark Hemisphere's first couple, but nope! Skeletor and JLo are legally still married, but he officially filed a do not resuscitate order for his dying marriage in Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday. That's your cue to hand Panthor a crying cloth, because he's going to be a mess all day.
People says that Skeletor (born name: Marco Antonio Muñiz) checked "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why his marriage died like JLo's vocal cords when she tries to hit a high note. Skeletor doesn't want to pay spousal support and is asking the court to give him joint custody of the 4-year-old Dragon Tales Twins.
This will be Skeletor's second divorce and JLo's (drum roll, fire up the glitter cannons....) THIRD!
JLo's left ring finger will turn green and fall off if she doesn't have a wedded cock ring on it all times, so I'm sure that at this very second Casper Smart is at Friar Tux's toddler department getting fitted for a tuxedo onesie and a ruffled diaper. JLo will marry that baby. This only bothers me, because that means JLo will be one failed marriage closer to taking over Elizabeth Taylor's record! Larry King can still get married, right? That means necrophilia marriage isn't completely illegal in California. Somebody please marry Elizabeth Taylor's grave, so she can hold on to the record FOREVER!
Valentine's Day is already a disgusting, vomit-inducing, eye-rolling holiday of grossness and JLo decided to take it to the next sucio level by Tweeting this picture of her and her bought-and-paid piece Casper Smart to her almost 5 million followers. JLo's delusional ass thought she was giving her followers the perfect portrait of real love, but this is anything but. AWKWARD is one word that just farted out of my brain. This is the moment when JLo looked down and realized that her leased boy toy has her ex-'s face tattooed on his arm.
If I direct my ear toward Eternia, I can pretty much hear Marc Anthony cackling from the top of Castle Grayskull over this shit. Skeletor will forever haunt you, JLo! When you hug your piece in his crib after he's had a scary nightmare about getting suffocated between two Puerto Rican warthogs, it's Skeletor's face you'll see. When you gently put a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid on his arm after he gets his first tetanus shot, it's Skeletor eyes who will be mocking you from Casper's arm. You will never escape Skeletor!
The Daily Mail says that JLo quickly took the picture down and I'm guessing it's because she saw what we're all seeing. I bet that right after she pulled it down, she pulled Casper to the nearest toddler tattoo parlor to get Skeletor's face off of his arm. It's an easy fix. Just throw a wig on that skeleton's face, ink two dollar signs into its eyes and you can call it a JLo tattoo.
And I'm actually surprised that JLo posted her first posed photo with Casper on Twitter for free. JLo was paid a shit load of money to pose with the Dragon Tales Twins on People Magazine, so one would think that she'd do the same thing with her newest child. Oh, JLabuela, love is changing you.
The sound of a high-pitched, virgin blood-curdling wailing poured out of Castle Grayskull on the day that pictures came out of JLo's hobbit whore playing with her children in Hawaii and so it's no surprise that Skeletor wants REVENGE! The easiest way to destroy JLo would be to switch the things she loves most (see: her diamonds) with cheap rhinestones since the bitch can't start her day until she sniffs the luxury fumes off of them while telling them how much they mean to her, but Skeletor thinks he has a better idea. Skeletor is going after (cue up lightning bolt sound effect) THE CHILDREN!!!!
Some source tells UsWeekly that Skeletor and JLo's child custody negotiations were going smoothly until he found out that her 24-year-old piece has been hanging around the kids. Skeletor is thinking about going against everything he promised to ruin that bitch. The source said, "He wants to make Jennifer suffer because she's having fun with someone new, and he knows this will hurt her on the deepest level."
Um. If JLo was a pool, she'd be all shallow end, so I don't know where the source is going with this "deepest level" shit. There's two levels in JLo's soul: the first is MONEY and the second is MEEEEEE! There's no basement. But Skeletor still shouldn't go through with this. If he takes the Dragon Tales Twins away, who is JLo going to whore out in a magazine spread when she needs some quick attention? Without any kids to whore out, she'll want to make some new ones with that Casper Smart troll. She'll hire a team of scientists to speed up Casper's puberty and make his balls drop so he can start churning the sperm out. Then they'll start spawning! Can you imagine what their babies would look like? I'm sure you just did and the image that terrorized your head looked a lot like Griphook with a pacifier in his mouth. So please, Skeletor, don't do this. Don't do this for humanity's sake!
During a NOT staged photo-op that was NOT set up by their publicists to prove that they are okay with each other even though it's rumored that one of them zombie humped on the other one's wife, Will Smith tried to be slick by conducting his own covert investigation to see if Skeletor truly is the ruler of Snake Mountain if you know what I mean. You know that saying from the Scientology sauna: When the hands go up, Will's eyes go down.
Judging by this picture, either Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga got camera (and Will Smith) shy and slithered to the back of his Size 2 Slim Bugle Boy Khakis, or the cracked out Mars Attack! alien is about as hung as a JLo dingle berry, because his crotch is bulge-free here. If the photographer clicked his camera two seconds after this picture was taken, he'd capture Will making a sad "I rolled out of Trey Songz's bunk for this?!" face.
Sorry, Will, Skeletor's elusive wrist dick just didn't want to be seen last night.
Here's more of Will, Skeletor and
Fergie Clawful at the Dolphins game in Miami last night.
My eyes have been opened. The real reason why JLo and Skeletor's marriage has a chalk outline around it, isn't because of the rumors that he's got hos in every crevice of Eternia or that he wanted a say in every piece of fabric that hugged her double pan de agua ass. A poster at Lipstick Alley (via ONTD) says it's because JLo threw a black lace veil over her chocha and mourned the loss of all feeling down there due to Skeletor's 11-inch crotch arm of force. SANTO DIOS! To quote my abuelita: "Aye can't!"
First of all, whose wrist are we using as a measurement, because if it's Skeletor's then that's giving me a totally different image. Skeletor could share wrist bracelets with Barbie, so that's just making me picture his dick looking like a long tapeworm. Second of all, maybe Skeletor is just a giant walking dick with a tiny wig on its head, because I'm pretty sure he's 11 inches long from top to bottom.
You know, when this is the first thing you see in your inbox in the morning, you know it's a sign to log off for the day, fill the tub and stick your head in it. You bring the Calgon. For the Calgon enema, not to go in the water. It's one of those days.
And here's JLo trying to recover from Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga while shooting What To Expect When You're Expecting in Atlanta yesterday.
People Magazine's cover story this week is all about how close friends of JLo and Skeletor didn't even bother making this face when they announced that their marriage has drowned in the moat around Castle Grayskull. Their friends (aka the interns at JLo's publicists' office) say that JLo and Skeletor have been verbally scrappin' for months over everything from how he didn't like the ho shit ensembles she'd wear on stage to his jealousy over her American Idol job. One of their friends also said that JLo started to believe that something in the zombie dick wasn't clean and was afraid that Skeletor was humping on the legs of other hos.
And UsWeekly says that shit got so real that JLo's mother Guadalupe brought back an ex from the past. A source says that Guadalupe resuscitated Bennifer 1.0 from the dead by e-mailing Ben Affleck to ask him for marriage advice. The source explained this mess like this, "Guadalupe reached out to Ben over email. She wanted advice for Jennifer. She always liked and trusted him. [Ben] replied back on email, wished her well and offered what he could."
What in the hell kind of GD Latin mother is Guadalupe? Latin mothers don't bring outside bitches into it. Especially Ben Affleck of all people. I'd nod my head and say "You've got a good point there" to advice spewing from Dr. Phil's bald b-hole before I'd take any relationship advice coming out of Ben Affleck's mouth. A Latin mother would ignore the pain away, never speak of this again and solve all her daughter's problems by putting a bowl of menudo in front of her before cleaning every surface in the house with Windex. (Windex and abuelitas are LIKETHIS. I think my abuelita bathed in it.)
I'm sure Ben shat out some canned response to Lupe as fast as he could so that he could get up from the pokah table, go on some gambling site and bet everything on JLo's marriage dying in exactly 3 days. Insider trading alert!
Skeletor didn't lose all of his water weight by shedding out a single tear on the bones of sacrificed virgins when JLo announced that their marriage is as dead as the Dragon Tales Twins' ear drums when she lullabies them to sleep without the help of an auto-tune horn. Skeletor didn't seem sad at all when he performed at a concert in Bogota, Colombia last night. Skeletor let be known to ladies everywhere that if they've ever had an urge to sit their chocha on a Chinese Crested's always erect tongue but don't want to be charged with bestiality, he's available. Skeletor said this to the audience:
"They say I am a single man."
The Daily Mail says that everybody started cheering and clapping their hands, but only because they heard that's how you distract a zombie who is trying to sniff out the pure blood of an innocent in a crowd.
In other Skeletor and JLo news, Cuban actor, all-around hot piece and known man whore William Levy is denying that he's ever put his cock on Jenny from the block. There were rumors that after William was in one of JLo's videos, they had a down low thing. But he says it isn't so. And JLo's stylist Phillip Bloch says that he thinks the fact that Skeletor tried control JLo like she was Castle Grayskull is the main reason why they're getting a divorce.
"This is not a surprise. Marc is very controlling. In the beginning she liked that because he stood up to her, and in the early days he was very much in love with her and she was with him."
But back to the William Levy thing. I've heard that William Levy will stick his peen in any vagina you put in front of him (which is why I'm mad nobody has invented a life-like vagina strap-on that goes over the no no) and JLo was married to a man who looks like the Puerto Rican Gollum, so I'm sure they did it at least once. JLo probably just wanted to know what it's like to get with a dude who isn't so damn that skinny that when you stick your finger in his b-hole during missionary sex you poke yourself in the stomach. That's a total orgasm killer.
Elizabeth Taylor will throw a mean side-eye from heaven that will throw shade over most of L.A. today, because JLo is scooting up to her record by making Skeletor her third ex-husband after 7 years of marriage. Yes, Castle Greyskull will be filled with sacrificial virgins a fucking plenty tonight, because Skeletor is back on the prowl for good. JLo and Skeletor announced to People that they are legally quitting each other and breaking their vows the same way he breaks a brittle hip bone when he tries to thrust too hard during a show.
"We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.
It is a painful time for all involved and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time."
Skeletor has a face like a zombie's ass and living with JLo is probably as pleasant as getting a rim job from a shark, but I thought these two would love forever or until Jason Stackhouse shoots Skeletor in front of Tara. They were acting all happy like with The Dragon Tales Twins just a month or two ago. Some ESCANDALOSO shit must've been the stake in the heart of their marriage. Now I'm not saying that the blind item about a singer allegedly Ike Turner-ing and cheating on his singer/actress wife is true, but I'm still going to light a Santa Guadalupe candle and pray one of his side whores doesn't sell a picture of his dick bone to The National Enquirer.
And, well, at least JLo can go back to her first love. No, not attention. I'm talking about Diddy! Ugh. My fingers barfed from typing that out.
I was going to write about how MTV is supposedly going to recast the entire cast of Jersey Shore for season six, but I made the editorial decision that this story about a pile of shits getting dumped was much more entertaining, newsworthy and interesting!
Skeletor was on The Tonight Show the other night and he told Jay Leno about the time one of his Dragon Tales twins dropped the most expensive shit bomb that has come out of a Lopez since Bordertown.
"He had an accident in the pool. It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it. That was expensive. He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!
In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop. Three days passed and we ran out of lollipops. I'm like, 'You should probably get them checked out if they're using the potty that much.'"
This will teach JLo to stop taking singing lessons in the pool house. Even a Dragon Twin's bowels cannot resist the urge to purge itself when exposed to JLo's non-auto-tuned voice.
And $6,000 might seem like a lot of money to clean a pool, but this is JLo we're talking about. If she didn't order them to resurface the entire pool with elephant ivory and refill it with the tears of a beluga whale, then we can look dead into her eyes and say, "I don't know you anymore."