Matt

Enough with this Jason Bourne vs. James Bond shit! The minute Jason Bourne gets into some tight panties and shows us the fucking goods the way Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale, I'll consider moving over to Team Bourne. But in the meantime, I'm sticking with Bond. If Matt Damon thinks I'm a caca person, then he would be right. But not because I love Bond.

You see, Matt thinks James Bond is really gross. He told the Miami Herald (via UsWeekly), "They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films. Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He's repulsive."

Paging Ben Affleck! You're needed at the nursery. Please carry Matt to his crib, stick a pacifier in his mouth hole and sing him a sweet lullaby. Just when his eyes start to close for the night, whisper in his little ear, "Honey, don't be jealous."

Seriously, who gives a fuck about all that shit? I'm not thinking about that when I'm watching Daniel Craig. I'm only thinking, "Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass. Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass..."

Some bitch once told me that Ben Affleck isn't a stranger to wearing fake hair, so his head is probably right at home with this Jesus wig on.

Ben sort of looks like this one hot homeless dude in my neighborhood who always looks at me with lusty eyes. It's probably just a combination of him being stoned and me being delusional. I swear, if Hot Homeless Dude had a sign one day that read, "Will hit it for food," I'd immediately take him up on his offer. Who cares if his super scabies would probably set up camp on my ass cheeks! That's what the free clinic is for.

Ben wore this shit on his head for a movie called "Extract" with Jason Bateman. Is that shit low-budget? They couldn't even afford to throw that polyster mop into a tub of RIT, so it matches his beard? Anyway, here's a few more pics of Ben looking dick cheese fresh on the set in Los Angeles yesterday.

In an interview with the Associated Press, Matt Damon doesn't hold back when talking about Sarah Palin. Matt called the Palin pick a "disaster," and that there's a good chance she will become President which is a "scary thing." Matt also doesn't understand why more people aren't talking about it. Um...does he ever go on the internet?

Matt went on to say that the whole thing is a really bad Disney movie. He said, "The hockey mom, you know, 'Oh, I'm just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down Vladimir Putin... It's totally absurd... It's a really terrifying possibility."

Come on, Matt! What do you take Disney for? It's probably already in development under the working title "President Mommy." Megan Mullally already passed on it, so they are talking to Geena Davis. I can already see the poster. Geena Davis is holding a soccer ball in front of the White House while her kids are pulling at her skirt and her husband (played by Rick Moranis) is rolls his eyes at her. Vladimir Putin can play himself. It'll be a hit!