Politics Are Boring
Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there's no truth to that shit.
According to the Huffington Post:
"I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office," he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.
Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE'LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.
So I'm over at Towleroad and I come across this bright shining headline that made the pores on my thighs let out a simultaneous YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEESSSS! Glenn Beck is finally answering all of ours calls by putting out a clothing line for teabaggers. Now, I didn't read the statement since usually everything that comes out of Glenn Beck's mouth sounds like a vagina bawling into a rubber Barbie face to me and I was really too busy screaming at the upcoming winter winds that they aren't going to give me frozen thighs this year!
Think about it. Don't you just hate it when you're out in "the field," dunking your bags in a trick's mouth and you suddenly see a flashing flashlight coming from yonder. You gotta undunk and then run your almost bare ass out onto the street while pulling your jeans up over your cold thighs. It's the worst and will ruin your night. Don't even ask me, "But Michael, why don't you just push your goods out through the zipper hole?" Are you serious? And don't even ask me to wear button fly. But I don't need to now that Glenn Beck's teabagger clothing line is almost here!
It's probably going to look something like this:
But you know, the trapdoor will be in the front instead. It will also be fastened with Velcro and there will be two tiny trapdoors since sometimes you just want to dunk one nut instead of the whole pot. Even if you don't play outdoors, Glenn Beck's teabagger pants will come in handy when you've got a hardcore itch on your crotch ball that can't be killed with an over-the-pants scratch.
I don't know if America will thank Glenn Beck, but I know plenty of nutsacks and thighs that will.
President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a "sideshow circus" and then he did what Diane Sawyer should've done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.
Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I'm sure she'll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we'll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion's ass in Kenya, had to say about this:
"Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true. ... But he should have done it a long time ago."
Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump's natural hairline during a windstorm.
And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I'm talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by "birth certificate" I mean "penis."
On The View this morning, one of the crumbs the hens viciously pecked at was the hair clip that Hillary Clinton wore to a meeting at the United Nations this past Sunday. Hillary was there to meet about what's going on in Pakistan and Haiti, but instead all eyes were focused on the hair clip she fished out of a swap meet discount bin circa 1988. Some moaned that it's very unprofessional-like for an important politician to wear her hair like my mom about to clean her oven. And others said that she's the Secretary of State so she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair.
Personally, the hair clip is my favorite part of Hillary's whole look. My soul permanently lives in the mid-80s to early 90s, so I love hair clips. The only thing that would've made Hillary's look better is if she was wearing a banana clip, a velvet choker and black suede boots held up with rubber bands. Oh, and a scrunchie around her wrist. Basically, in a perfect world all our politicians would dress like extras from Beverly Hills 90210.
The mention of politics gives me an annoying tick called "thinking", so I like to stay away from that shit but this is some important news about one of our former Hot Sluts Helen Thomas! Helen has announced that she is getting up out of the first row and retiring right now. This comes after the 89-year-old White House correspondent received a shit load of head shakes for saying that the Jews "should get the hell out of Palestine." Watch her entire statement here.
Here's the memo from Hearst:
Helen Thomas announced Monday that she is retiring, effective immediately.
Her decision came after her controversial comments about Israel and the Palestinians were captured on videotape and widely disseminated on the Internet.
Thomas later issued a statement: “I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians. They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon.’’
Thomas will mark her 90th birthday on Aug. 4.
And here I was hoping that Helen would be forced into retirement after slapping a bitch or attacking a ho with her dentures. Oh well. Maybe next time.
I'm telling you, my ass is in the wrong business. The politics game is where the fun and fucking is. When you aren't dropping it low to "The Halle Berry Song" or enjoying a dazzling tap dance performance by Larry Craig in the men's restroom or smoking crack with Senator Jeff Sessions, you're hearing all about Mike Duvall's kinky antics with his mistress.
OCWeekly reports that right before the start of a committee hearing, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall gave the dude next to him the tingles (or the dry heaves) by talking about how his mistress wears "eye-patch underwear" and loves it when he spanks her nalgas. Mike didn't know that the mic in front of him was hot, so it was all caught on tape. Note to self: Always stick a thermometer on a mic before talking about sex stuff.
The scandal in all of this is that not only is Mike married with two children, but his mistress is a lobbyist. Mike is also a "family values" advocate who was a staunch supporter of Prop 8.
And if that's not entertaining enough, Mike said that after he had "a lot" of sex with his mistress on Wednesday, she told him: "I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me! So messy!" No, that wasn't Mike's dick milk dripping out of her. It was hypocrisy. MESSY!
P.S. - Why does it look like I'm watching a clip from 1986? Somebody get KCAL a new camera for Christmas.
During the Sotomayor hearings yesterday afternoon, Senator Jeff Sessions said they were all going to light the pipe and have themselves a crack smokin' party! And here I was thinking that most senators spend their breaks tap dancing for dick in the bathroom.
As many of you hos already know, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina held a press conference today where he admitted that he lied to his staff and wife after he disappeared for 5 days. Gov. Marky said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail for 5 days, when in fact he was hiking all over his Argentinean mistress' coochie in Buenos Aires!!! Yeah, yeah, same old story. All politicians are sluts. There's plenty of willing peen in politics! Wait.... Maybe I'm in the wrong field...
Anyway, Gov. Marky laid it on thick today. Dude went on and on and on and on and on....and on. At one point, he pulled out that raw emotion and went for the gold! Unfortunately for Marky, his thunder was snatched by the bitches in the background! Look at the hos on the left! Those bitches are smiling like they are posing for their 4th grade class pictures! You can see the sunshine beaming out of their mouths! I was waiting for them to break into a hurricane of LOLs. The chick in the front is probably giving us a frozen smile, because if she doesn't, she would seriously laugh until she queefed her insides out. While he's breaking down, she's having a happy party on the inside! Bitch is hot.
Just for the record, I'd take a Chinatown bus all the way to Argentina and let him hit it. WELL!
George Bush gave a surprise news conference in Iraq today and was greeted by the size 10 shoes of an Iraqi reporter. It's really important to know that the shoes were a size 10!
Bush dodged that shit before security came out and took the shoe thrower down. Bloomberg says that in Arab culture, throwing shoes is a sign of disrespect. Before being taken away, the shoe thrower shouted, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”
After the shoe almost hit the Bush, the president told reporters, “I’m OK. “It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10."
I'm surprised Dubya didn't catch the shoe and throw it back thinking the dude was playing a game of Hot Potato with him. You know Dubya loves a good game of Hot Potato!
John McCain was supposed to sit with David Letterman last night, but he called in at the last minute to cancel because he had to fly to the capital to deal with our broke down economy. A little while into the show after Letterman and Keith Olbermann talked about McCain suspending his campaign and other shit, Letterman was told that McCain was not on a plane bound for DC, but in a studio down the street with Katie Couric. Letterman cut to a live feed of McCain talking with Katie and said, "Do you need a ride to the airport?!"
Oh shit. This reminds me of the time that I called in sick to the night shift at my old job. I told them I was practically dying and couldn't get out of bed. Well, a couple of hours later I ran into one of my bosses at the gay bar. HA! I was stuttering so fucking much, I sounded like I had Tourettes. I kind of just shrugged, said I felt better and told him I thought a Hot Toddy would cure my illness. I was drinking vodka. That's when I excused myself from the bar and never went back to that job again.