Politics Are Boring

I'm telling you, my ass is in the wrong business. The politics game is where the fun and fucking is. When you aren't dropping it low to "The Halle Berry Song" or enjoying a dazzling tap dance performance by Larry Craig in the men's restroom or smoking crack with Senator Jeff Sessions, you're hearing all about Mike Duvall's kinky antics with his mistress.

OCWeekly reports that right before the start of a committee hearing, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall gave the dude next to him the tingles (or the dry heaves) by talking about how his mistress wears "eye-patch underwear" and loves it when he spanks her nalgas. Mike didn't know that the mic in front of him was hot, so it was all caught on tape. Note to self: Always stick a thermometer on a mic before talking about sex stuff.

The scandal in all of this is that not only is Mike married with two children, but his mistress is a lobbyist. Mike is also a "family values" advocate who was a staunch supporter of Prop 8.

And if that's not entertaining enough, Mike said that after he had "a lot" of sex with his mistress on Wednesday, she told him: "I am going 
up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me! So messy!" No, that wasn't Mike's dick milk dripping out of her. It was hypocrisy. MESSY!

P.S. - Why does it look like I'm watching a clip from 1986? Somebody get KCAL a new camera for Christmas.

During the Sotomayor hearings yesterday afternoon, Senator Jeff Sessions said they were all going to light the pipe and have themselves a crack smokin' party! And here I was thinking that most senators spend their breaks tap dancing for dick in the bathroom.

VIA Towleroad

As many of you hos already know, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina held a press conference today where he admitted that he lied to his staff and wife after he disappeared for 5 days. Gov. Marky said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail for 5 days, when in fact he was hiking all over his Argentinean mistress' coochie in Buenos Aires!!! Yeah, yeah, same old story. All politicians are sluts. There's plenty of willing peen in politics! Wait.... Maybe I'm in the wrong field...

Anyway, Gov. Marky laid it on thick today. Dude went on and on and on and on and on....and on. At one point, he pulled out that raw emotion and went for the gold! Unfortunately for Marky, his thunder was snatched by the bitches in the background! Look at the hos on the left! Those bitches are smiling like they are posing for their 4th grade class pictures! You can see the sunshine beaming out of their mouths! I was waiting for them to break into a hurricane of LOLs. The chick in the front is probably giving us a frozen smile, because if she doesn't, she would seriously laugh until she queefed her insides out. While he's breaking down, she's having a happy party on the inside! Bitch is hot.

Just for the record, I'd take a Chinatown bus all the way to Argentina and let him hit it. WELL!

George Bush gave a surprise news conference in Iraq today and was greeted by the size 10 shoes of an Iraqi reporter. It's really important to know that the shoes were a size 10!

Bush dodged that shit before security came out and took the shoe thrower down. Bloomberg says that in Arab culture, throwing shoes is a sign of disrespect. Before being taken away, the shoe thrower shouted, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”

After the shoe almost hit the Bush, the president told reporters, “I’m OK. “It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10."

I'm surprised Dubya didn't catch the shoe and throw it back thinking the dude was playing a game of Hot Potato with him. You know Dubya loves a good game of Hot Potato!

John McCain was supposed to sit with David Letterman last night, but he called in at the last minute to cancel because he had to fly to the capital to deal with our broke down economy. A little while into the show after Letterman and Keith Olbermann talked about McCain suspending his campaign and other shit, Letterman was told that McCain was not on a plane bound for DC, but in a studio down the street with Katie Couric. Letterman cut to a live feed of McCain talking with Katie and said, "Do you need a ride to the airport?!"

Oh shit. This reminds me of the time that I called in sick to the night shift at my old job. I told them I was practically dying and couldn't get out of bed. Well, a couple of hours later I ran into one of my bosses at the gay bar. HA! I was stuttering so fucking much, I sounded like I had Tourettes. I kind of just shrugged, said I felt better and told him I thought a Hot Toddy would cure my illness. I was drinking vodka. That's when I excused myself from the bar and never went back to that job again.

While Sarah Palin was talking about a bunch of political stuff at the RNC last night, the camera cut to little Piper Palin grooming her baby brother's hair with the help of a little spit pomade. Yes, this was probably planned (what isn't?), but it was the most entertaining moment of the night! I'm easily amused.

Thanks Dr. Jennifer

John McCain has just chosen some chick named Sarah Palin as his running mate. She's the governor of Alaska or something like that. I don't know her deal. I think she's anti-anything fun. But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about her beauty pageant past!

Sarah was Miss Wasilla 1984. She won second place in the Miss Alaska contest, but was voted Miss Congeniality. Miss Congeniality basically means you're homely but you smile a lot. Sarah played the flute during the talent portion. THE FLUTE?! It's Alaska! Shouldn't she have skinned a trout or danced with a grizzly bear? No wonder she lost. I did a quick search on YouTube, but couldn't find shit from the pageant. I'm sure shit will come up in the next few days.

And and I thought Heidi Montag was locked as McCain's VP?