Free Clinic Shit
It's Slutoween which means Wonky hits the streets dressed like a slutty version of something or another. This year, she dressed as Whore-othy from The Wizard of Valtrex, and forced her burrito heir boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, to wear the same shit. Well, maybe she didn't really force him since it looks like wearing a dress and lipstick is giving him the drips. This bitch is puckering like Squinty with a lemon in her mouth. Doug finally got to sashay around in public in a pair of pink heels. Speaking of, I doubt those heels belong to Wonky because they look kind of small for her big ass feet.
And this is exactly why Parasite will never be an official member of The Big Slut Club. Any self-respecting whore knows that Halloween is amateur hour. Halloween is the only time authentic sluts cover their parts up. That's what the other 364 days of the year are for!
While some of you slut whores were doing ho shit over the weekend, a brand new type of venereal disease was birthed in Hollywood when Balthazar Getty and Blohan dry fucked each other at a club. Yeah, I think your genitals grew a puss-filled wart just from thinking about it. See you at the free clinic.
People says that Blohan showed up to West Hollywood club Voyeur with the still married Balthazar at her side. Some source said the two snuck in through the club's backdoor (hopefully, the backdoor was covered with a dental dam) and only stayed for 30-minutes. During that time, they were "all over each other" at a table in the front room.
Okay, before you start farting about how Blohan is licking up Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds, think about it for a minute. Sienna Miller is a cock connoisseur, so Blohan figured Balthazar must give good dick. And for her big return to the peen, Blohan wanted to make sure she got on a dick that would make her pork loaf simmer.
And if you see a weepy dick and tortured vagina hitchhiking along the highway, they belong to Balthazar and Blohan. They're trying to get away again. Put on your masks and wave to them from afar.
You know that whole theory that every person you fuck, you're also fucking everyone who they fucked, and everyone who they fucked...etc...etc.. Well, a study done in Britain shows that the average dude and chick has done sexy times with around $2.8 million people both indirectly and directly.
6,000 British people were asked the approximate ages of each person they got down with. The data was compiled using an online calculator called the "Six Degrees of Separation." Click here to find out your number.
I tried to get my number, but it wouldn't go there. Does not compute. It's actually an accomplishment that I'm considered a slut even by mathematical standards. If you divide it by 5, cut it in half and throw a square root on it, I'm still a slut whore. This is a beautiful feeling. My mother will frame this and put it over her fireplace mantel.
If you broke the calculator with your extreme acts of slutiness too, I'll see you in quarantine where we'll all bump and screw so we can really break the system. YAY.
And if you're number is below 15 million, I can't even look at you anymore.
A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!
The Mirror says that Elton John's fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend's yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.
One source who lived to tell the tale said, "As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain."
I'm guessing Wonky's presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky's crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn't eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It's better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.
The strangest couple since spaghetti and honey (I knew a bitch who ate that barfness regularly) is still doing the sexies with each other. Page Six says that Sean Penn and Natalie Portman have been flaunting the fuckery all over Los Angeles for a couple of weeks now. I mean.....really? What is wrong with these hos? Didn't I already tell Natalie to hit the Penn peen once and then move on? Sean Penn is the type of bitch who is only good for a one-time fuck and that's it. Ride the nose, slap the dick and then jump away. I guess they don't teach Dickmatization 101 at Harvard.
Since Natalie is going to be spending more time in Los Angeles, she bought a $3.25 million "gothic" mansion in Los Feliz. Her new house is 4,866 square feet and has two guesthouses, a pool and a courtyard.
Um. Does this shit also have a free clinic in there, because Natalie is going to need one if she keeps jumping the Penn peen on a regular basis.
Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!
I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.
Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.
This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.
Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.
Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!
On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.
Ray J aka Brandy's little brother aka the crooked-dick motherfucker who busted one in Kim Kardashian's sex tape got his own dating show on Vh1! Vh1 is seriously like my drunk aunt who wreaks havoc at every family reunion. After I'm left picking up the pieces and cleaning up her barf, I think to myself, "This is the last time. There's no way this bitch is continue this fuckery." And what happens the next year? The bitch is unstoppable.
After Flavor of Love 234,876 ended and Rock of Love 12,345 started, I thought there was no way they would do anymore dating shows. But Vh1 has this one, Megan's Trophy Wife and Daisy of Love. The new STDs that will been born out of these shows....... My genitals quiver.
That said, I will be watching all three of these shows. Why? Because it's in my make up.
So it looks like Vh1 is trying to turn Ray J into the next Foofy Foofy with For the Love of Ray J which premieres on February 2nd. It's the same premise as Flavor of Love. Ray J will suck, fuck and muck through 14 uber skanks in hopes of finding one that licks his deformed peen the best, I guess.
You can go on over to Vh1 to see all 14, but I plucked out my favorite 3:
Chardonnay: More like MD 20/20. Chardonnay does have some exquisite eyebrows. But if she ever gets tired of painting them on, she should just shave off a little hair from her sad trail and glue that shit above her eyes.
Danger: Is that a damn rat tattoo on her face?!
Lil' Hood: The pit stains sold me.
I absolutely love that they didn't even bother Photoshopping these hos. This is how I like it. Why hide the dirty?
In her younger days, Kelly Osbourne was a drunk druggie slut who passed her bare vagina around like she was Sienna Miller at a Married Men's Convention. Kelly says those days are over, but she's still worried about possibly catching STDs.
She tells the Daily Mail: "Alcohol and drugs impair your judgment. I know it's because I was drunk that I had unprotected sex. I'm not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I'm not afraid to talk about contraception. I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested (for sexually transmitted infections) and most of the time I don't even need to. I just go for peace of mind."
Correction: She won't talk about her sex life unless there's a reporter in front of her who will publish it in some kind of major paper.
It's a good thing she gets tested several times a year. I mean, she did use to hang out with Parasite Hilton. I need to head down to the free clinic every time I stare too long at a picture of Wonky McValtrex.
And I'm sure most of those celebrity whores are forced to get checked several times a year. Shit. Wonky McValtrex probably has a lab in her own house. It's a requirement if she wants to stay off the CDC's "Most Wanted" list.
Aubrey O'Day's dog Ginger must have been one evil bitch in a past life to get stuck with this raggedy tramp. Animal cruelty never looked so skanky. Poor Ginger. I can see the diseases gleefully jumping from Aubrey's ass thermometer to Ginger's little tongue. If Aubrey wanted to make out with Ginger, she could have at least put a dental dam over her mouth and spared the animal from her germs.
Here's more of Aubrey in a towel doing illegal and intimate things with her dog at a Sheiki Jeans in San Diego, CA. In the last thumbnail, it looks like Ginger is trying to hide the tears.