Free Clinic Shit

If you've ever wanted to taste Aubrey O'Day's creampie, you're disgusting! But in addition to being gross, you're also in luck because she now has her own milkshake over at Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles. Aubrey O'Day lives to pose with whipped cream like it's a dollop of man milk, so thankfully for her a place like Millions of Milkshakes exists!

Aubrey followed up her computer-generated bukkake ad for Millions of Famewhores by creating a milkshake named after her. Aubrey's delicious cup of wart puss contains milky sweat from Diddy's over-moisturized nutsack, coagulated silicone from a leaky implant, two drops of red dog dye and one bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. One sip of it will send you into ecstasy. One sip will also send you to quarantine by order of the Department of Health, but at least you'll have one second of pleasure before that happens.

The launch party for Aubrey's blended creampie brought out the likes of her tortured dogs, Quinton Aaron from The Blind Side, a pervy Elmo, and some refined royal lady who stopped by before meeting the Queen at Buckingham Palace for Hot Toddies (see last thumbnail).

Everything about these pictures scream: LAST CALL! But really, it's nothing new. During every fashion week from here to Bakersfield, the free clinic messiah rises from a puddle of 100 proof vomit and closes Richie Rich's fashion show. Because nothing makes people run for the exit like Pamela Anderson's vag. Seriously, Pamela should rent our her services. When you've got a party guest (aka one of your cousins) who just can't take a hint, bring Pamela's vag out and he'll scatter faster than a hooker running from the po po's siren.

Here's more of Pammy looking like the janitor just woke her up with his broom. Terrell Owens also walked during the show last night, and we're going to need a few mammalogists to tell us what kind of creature is on his head.

Free clinics everywhere will be on high alert this weekend, because Pamela Anderson is back out on the prowl. Radar reports that Pammy's trailer park love affair with electrician/surfer Jamie Padgett has come to an end. The two had been bumping genital warts for the past year, but Pammy decided that her vagina needed something different to slurp on.

A source said, “Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends. Her ex-husband Tommy Lee was jealous of Jamie and Pam’s relationship and he had given their two sons Brandon and Dylan some surfing lessons.”

Jamie poked out of his CDC-ordered contamination tent and told Radar he didn't know if he was still with Pamela. Jamie said it was up to her.

Basically, Pamela used Jamie and she's done with him now that he's finished crossing her wires. We all know that Pamela is having trouble finishing the renovations on her house, so my guess is that she got Jamie to do electrical- work for her pro-BONE-o. All plumbers should beware, because Pammy is coming for them next.

If Gerard Slutler and HoHan are in a room together, you better believe that STD-infused saliva bombs will fly in a quick minute. So it's no surprise that the two reportedly made the free clinic proud by tongue fucking each other at the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Halloween.

Shortly after The Mirror spotted the two making out, HoHan apparently told them (for some reason), “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.” A few beats later, the two jumped in a golf cart and rode off to exchange genital germs in the night. Totally romantic.

Both Gerard and HoHan will fuck a toilet if it winked at them, so this was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure that when the toxic fumes cleared, they both cleaned off their fuck parts with a fire extinguisher and went back out to hunt for their next victim.

And how much do you want to bet that they both tried to pick each other up the next night not realizing that they got it on the night before? Such is the life of a true slut. It happens to all of us.

When I heard Mimi was HOsting her own Halloween party in NYC, I figured she would go dressed as a slutty butterfly, a slutty rainbow, a slutty unicorn taxidermy, a slutty Hello Kitty, a slutty Eminem, or a slutty Precious. But Mimi really flipped the world upside down by stuffing her glazed ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits into a slutty angel costume. Such a shapeshifter, that Mimi!

And Mimi's bought-and-paid-for husband really outdid himself by going as one of The Empress of Lucite's vagina drops. Yes, Shauna Sand's lady jizz has angels wings and everything.

Meanwhile, in L.A., Wonky went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party dressed up as a slutty slut slut slut slut slut. You know, wearing Liberace's rhinestone shoe horn on her forehead only points out the brutal fact that one of her eyes is constantly suffering from jizz squint.

And it was a little weird that Doug Reinhardt didn't dress up. He must have gotten his fill the night before.

It's Slutoween which means Wonky hits the streets dressed like a slutty version of something or another. This year, she dressed as Whore-othy from The Wizard of Valtrex, and forced her burrito heir boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, to wear the same shit. Well, maybe she didn't really force him since it looks like wearing a dress and lipstick is giving him the drips. This bitch is puckering like Squinty with a lemon in her mouth. Doug finally got to sashay around in public in a pair of pink heels. Speaking of, I doubt those heels belong to Wonky because they look kind of small for her big ass feet.

And this is exactly why Parasite will never be an official member of The Big Slut Club. Any self-respecting whore knows that Halloween is amateur hour. Halloween is the only time authentic sluts cover their parts up. That's what the other 364 days of the year are for!

While some of you slut whores were doing ho shit over the weekend, a brand new type of venereal disease was birthed in Hollywood when Balthazar Getty and Blohan dry fucked each other at a club. Yeah, I think your genitals grew a puss-filled wart just from thinking about it. See you at the free clinic.

People says that Blohan showed up to West Hollywood club Voyeur with the still married Balthazar at her side. Some source said the two snuck in through the club's backdoor (hopefully, the backdoor was covered with a dental dam) and only stayed for 30-minutes. During that time, they were "all over each other" at a table in the front room.

Okay, before you start farting about how Blohan is licking up Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds, think about it for a minute. Sienna Miller is a cock connoisseur, so Blohan figured Balthazar must give good dick. And for her big return to the peen, Blohan wanted to make sure she got on a dick that would make her pork loaf simmer.

And if you see a weepy dick and tortured vagina hitchhiking along the highway, they belong to Balthazar and Blohan. They're trying to get away again. Put on your masks and wave to them from afar.

You know that whole theory that every person you fuck, you're also fucking everyone who they fucked, and everyone who they fucked...etc...etc.. Well, a study done in Britain shows that the average dude and chick has done sexy times with around $2.8 million people both indirectly and directly.

6,000 British people were asked the approximate ages of each person they got down with. The data was compiled using an online calculator called the "Six Degrees of Separation." Click here to find out your number.

I tried to get my number, but it wouldn't go there. Does not compute. It's actually an accomplishment that I'm considered a slut even by mathematical standards. If you divide it by 5, cut it in half and throw a square root on it, I'm still a slut whore. This is a beautiful feeling. My mother will frame this and put it over her fireplace mantel.

If you broke the calculator with your extreme acts of slutiness too, I'll see you in quarantine where we'll all bump and screw so we can really break the system. YAY.

And if you're number is below 15 million, I can't even look at you anymore.

VIA Jezebel

A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!

The Mirror says that Elton John's fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend's yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.

One source who lived to tell the tale said, "As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain."

I'm guessing Wonky's presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky's crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn't eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It's better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.

The strangest couple since spaghetti and honey (I knew a bitch who ate that barfness regularly) is still doing the sexies with each other. Page Six says that Sean Penn and Natalie Portman have been flaunting the fuckery all over Los Angeles for a couple of weeks now. I mean.....really? What is wrong with these hos? Didn't I already tell Natalie to hit the Penn peen once and then move on? Sean Penn is the type of bitch who is only good for a one-time fuck and that's it. Ride the nose, slap the dick and then jump away. I guess they don't teach Dickmatization 101 at Harvard.

Since Natalie is going to be spending more time in Los Angeles, she bought a $3.25 million "gothic" mansion in Los Feliz. Her new house is 4,866 square feet and has two guesthouses, a pool and a courtyard.

Um. Does this shit also have a free clinic in there, because Natalie is going to need one if she keeps jumping the Penn peen on a regular basis.