Free Clinic Shit

I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night's Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit's friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.

You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn't) and they told me (no, they didn't) that Ke$ha's pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That's not her piss. That's obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.

I guess Kat Von D and Deadmau5 are ignoring the health department's request and not getting married in a quarantine tent while officials in Hazmat suits spray them down with liquid antibiotics. Instead of doing that, Kat and Mau5 are planning on throwing an underwater-themed wedding. This is actually a good idea, because now their guests won't look too weird when they throw bacteria-killing chlorine bleach at them before hugging them.

Kat Von D tells People that on August 10th, she will become Deadmau5's future ex-wife during an underwater-themed wedding in front of 200 friends and family in Los Angeles. Kat says that she and Deadmau5 are really into the short story The Call of Cthulhu, about an octopus human, so their wedding will feature all the creatures of the sea. They're going to have blue and green-colored food and performers dressed as mermaids. Kat also said that her dress is going to look like something the ocean threw up:

"It will have a sleek silhouette and include hints of iridescent teals, blues and deep violet ombré gradients. I didn't know the dress was supposed to be a surprise."

Kat and Mau5 both look like something rotten that a fisherman threw back into the ocean after it got caught in his net, so this underwater theme is perfect for them. I can already hear their guests let out an "awwww" when Kat's crotch crabs come shuffling out in their bridesmaids dresses. I really hope that the front of their invitation has Deadmau5's octopus sex tattoo on it, because that will set the tone for a day of true romance.

And here's Kat wearing a zippered camel toe jumpsuit and alien heels to a book signing in NYC last night.

This is why you should always dip your contacts (which are basically condoms for your eyes) in liquid antibiotics and put that shit on your eyeballs before you turn on the internet.

Everybody at last night's Scary Movie 5 premiere in Hollywood now know what scientists see when they look at pus from a popped syphilis pimple under a microscope. Charlie Sheen kept the free clinic in business by planting his lips on Lindsay Lohan's face as they posed on the red carpet. Shortly after that picture was taken, the left side of bitch's face started to droop, because it saw what was happening to the right side and it was trying to slip out of there before it was too late. But besides LiLo's half-melted face, she actually looks kind of good for LiLo. Charlie Sheen on the other hand looks like burnt egg whites in a beaver wig.

And of course, LiLo was late and showed up 30 minutes before the red carpet ended. LiLo's excuse was that she was at the dentist, which is a totally valid excuse. LiLo figures that since she's going to Coachella this weekend, she's probably going to booze her veneers off, so she got a new set made and they'll be ready on Monday. LiLo is always thinking ahead.

Because the FBI has nothing better to do, TMZ is reporting that Hulk Hogan's lawyer got in touch with them to waaahwaaahwaaaah over the sadist who leaked his sex tape to the world. Believe me Hulk when I say you can't possibly be as devastated as those of us who have no self control when it comes to link-clicking and witnessed that horror.

Hulk wants the Feds to track down and prosecute the dirty bastard (we can at least all agree on that point) who showed the world his breathtaking secks moves that have Don Juan sitting at a bar in purgatory crying into his Mojito. TMZ says he tried to go to the Florida cops about it, but they were too busy tracking down face eating zombies, crazy jilted Depends wearing astronauts and Nick Hogan to deal with this mess. No, they said that since the tape was made in 2006, the statute of limitations - 4 years - had expired regarding the legality of taping someone without their permission, and that because the release crossed state lines it was a federal issue. And then they all pointed and laughed and said "Let me see if that's Nick, hold on." (ty I think Gawker)

Hulk (this is a grown ass man named Hulk, so hard to type with a straight face) is supposed to meet with FBI officials on Monday. Too bad he couldn't have met with them weeks ago before the tape went live, saving us all brain bleach, therapy and hive cream bills. I do agree though that the person who leaked that mess should be tracked down, drawn and quartered, dunked in rubbing alcohol and then burned. It's only fair.

One of Katy Perry's goals in life, next to shooting everything found in a grocer's fridge section out of her tits, must be to hump on every mega man skank on the CDC's most wanted list. Because Katy has gone from riding on Russell Brand to taking a ride on John Mayer's David Duke dick. Katy and John left Chateau Marmont together last night, and UsWeekly says that before every paps' lens got covered in herp sores by taking these pictures, they were kissing each other inside the hotel:

Perry, 27, and Mayer, 34, had a leisurely dinner together at Chateau Marmont, an observer tells Us Weekly. And the date, the witness adds, was definitely romantic, with the "Teenage Dream" singer and Mayer "holding hands across the table," sneaking kisses, and laughing.

Katy and John have apparently been bumping nipples for almost two months now. So, Katy's douchedar is still broken and she's obviously still into the kind of dude who looks like he's got 3 out of 5 basic food groups stuck to the bottom of his peen. Hopefully, Katy grabbed that plastic bag floating through the wind and wrapped it around John's peen several times before she got on that shit.

And if the Anne Shirley of hussies Taylor Swift has hit it and wrote a song about it, you should stay away from it.

Here's porn star James Deen and future porn star Lindsay Lohan leaving a Fourth of July party in Santa Monica last night, and no, he didn't drive her to Chateau Marmont where he bravely entered her crotch cavern of destruction with a crucifix in one hand and a vat of liquefied Valtrex in the other. That's what James Deen claims anyway. During an interview with Animal NY, James said that he's keeping shit strictly professional with HoHan and he's simply just getting to know her before they shoot that low-budget, soft-core Bret Easton Ellis mess The Canyons. The Health Department doesn't have to stick a Notice of Closure on James' crotch for violating health code 5473 (aka doing Lindsay Lohan), because even though he's dicked hundreds of tricks, LiLo isn't one of them.

“I can definitely honestly say Lindsay Lohan and I are not having sex!”
Wouldn’t he tell me? “I think I would tell everybody.”
“I don’t know anything about her except for that she’s a really nice, down-to-earth, normal twenty-five-year-old girl. We went to a business dinner and she was very professional. She drank coffee and water. Then she had to call for a car because she couldn’t walk ten feet from the door because of the paparazzi.” Deen seems a little riled up, protective.

Translation: "EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS!"

You know, I totally believe James. James has an illustrious career in fuck films and why would he mess that up by dipping into LiLo's Mordor cooch for a second or two? Does James really want the CDC to wrap a quarantine tent around him and keep him away from society until his tainted peen finally falls off? And if that didn't happen, James' 9-inch peen, which weighs more than him, would swear off all genitals and drag it him to the nearest monastery where it'd keep him up at night by muttering about freckled blue waffles.

And on a positive note, I give LiLo extra points for her A+ Mommie Dearest eyebrow game.

Remember when you were 19 and your mother would tell you to "pat don't scratch" your genital warts? Well, I was reminded of this when RiRi kept patting at her puss while performing on SNL last night. RiRi is obviously trying to coin a dance move like Michael Jackson's dick grab, but I'm conflicted about this. On one hand, I don't really need to see RiRi TSA herself in HD. On the other hand, RiRi playing patty cake with her chocha did take the focus away from her goat yodeling and the rest of her dance moves, so I just don't know. But I do know that bitch needs to immediately make a "pat don't scratch" PSA on behalf of the free clinic.

And in case you missed last night's episode, here's what I thought was the best part:

It's kind of true, because I've heard women say that after reading 50 Shades of Crap, they had to put a mop down there to absorb all the panty pudding. When they walked, their gushy crotches made sounds like a small pony tap dancing on a full sponge. It must be a lady thing, because it didn't have the same effect on me. I had to quit that book after 150 pages in. Yeah, they fuck a few times, but the author left out the most important detail: Christian Grey's dick! How long is it in inches? If it was an item on Taco Bell's menu, would it be a cinnamon twist or a chalupa with extra cheese? How am I supposed to get into that shit if I don't know what I'm working with? That's just lazy porn writing!

Well, that didn't take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She's a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn't make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it's totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

"During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they 'held hands,' witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. 'They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'"

Well isn't that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he's got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K's presence Rome is the new city of love.

.....and it is the exact opposite of this methtastic display of freckled roughness that was spit out of a crack house's toilet and rolled onto the red carpet of the launch party for some video game in L.A. last night. That S in the background doesn't stand for Supper Club. It's the Health Department's newest rating: S for SkeezaSitDown!

The highly flammable weave, the cheeks that make her look like she's storing 8-balls for the winter and her signature collagen labia lips all need more JESUS (or something) in their lives, but Lindsay Lohan's nostrils are another thing. It's like a mob of coke granules did the Occupy Nostrils march right up into her nose innards. LiLo has snorted around the block a few times, so she should know that right after your nose eats a line of the bad shit off of a glove compartment lid in your dealer's Chevy pick-up, you have to settle down your swollen nostrils with some Prep H. Amateur slip-up that disappoints White Oprah so.

Now on to the thing that everyone is hissing and throwing sprinkles of Listerine at:

For the love of Nana Lohan, can't a bitch spike her Red Bull with some fluoride or even some paint thinner. Those Teeths of Meth look like Gollum's fingernails after he fisted a zombie with diarrhea. If you scraped the several thick layers of crack-infused smegma off of her teeth and shoved it into a pipe and smoked it, you'd probably get a quick buzz. That's what dentists called "methavitis."

But being the fashion forward icon that she is, maybe LiLo is way ahead of all of us and knows that the next big trend will be to match the color of your teeth to the color of your ass lips.

If you ever get a promotional e-mail from a site called Netdix, you can send your complaints to Maggie Gyllenhaal for putting ideas into people's heads and other places. Maggie is out promoting Hysteria, that movie she did about the world's first vibrator, and says that while filming it several London sex toy stores sent her enough electro pussy ticklers to fill an episode of Whoarders (and a Scientology men's sauna). It was like Clitmas for her cooze!

Maggie tells The Cut (via Gothamist) that she has a selfless vagina and wants to gift all of her friends with nut busting goodness so she lends her vibrators out and they use them for months at a time. YES. Maggie shares her vibrators. Do they even make vibrator sanitizer? What about vibrator condoms? This pussy dust sharing nasty bitch!

"By the time I finished the movie I'd been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they’ll take them for six months at a time. [While shooting Hysteria] I was sent a lot of vibrators from different sex stores in England while we were shooting the movie. I shared them around."

This mess of words did make me ewwwwwww from every body hole (Hazmat is on their way), but then I thought about it. I mean, I became blood brothers with my best friend when I was a kid. Isn't this sort of the same thing? If you're both surfing the red tide at the same time you had dirty silicone sex with the same vibrator, isn't that like a blood sisters ceremony? Or let me put it this way. Let's say you and your friend were both new kinds of drunk and a peen landed in front of you, would you lick it at the same time? You're a shameless whore slut so just say YES. Sharing vibrators is practically the same thing! It's like prolonged group sex for the lonely.

P.S. - If you ever get that e-mail from Netdix, forward it my way.