Rehab

Dennis Rodman has done the unthinkable! He has checked himself into rehab just days after he was arrested for allegedly beating down his girlfriend. I know, it's pretty shocking. It was either check into rehab or go on Dr. Phil and open up about your "past demons" and how you want to change your evil ways. Yeah, I'd rather check into rehab too. Lots of sex, drugs and donuts.

Dennis' manager told People, "Yes, Dennis checked into an outpatient rehab center in Fort Lauderdale today. His life has not been going smoothly for the last few months since his divorce. He has not been able to see his kids. And he has been drinking too much."

Hopefully, Dennis will complete rehab and begin to live a clean and healthy life. That way he can go on with his career. Yeah, I don't know what career I'm talking about either. Feel free to leave your suggestions below.

Naturally, CNN's Richard Quest has followed up his embarrassing arrest last Friday by checking into rehab. Richie was arrested last week after cops found him wandering in Central Park after park curfew. He admitted to the cops that he was carrying meth. In a search, cops later found a rope around his neck which was tied to his genitals. Oh and they found a sex toy in his shoe too. He's a walking party!

CNN issued this statement about Richie going into rehab:

"At this time, CNN's primary concern is for his health and wellbeing. We look forward to Richard returning to CNN International."

Anderson Cooper issued his own statement, "Better him than me." He didn't say that, but someone needs to ask him about this mess.

During Richie's arraignment last Saturday, he agreed to undergo drug counseling for six months in order to avoid time in jail.

Couldn't Richie wait until June for Celebrity Rehab 2?! I need him to show me what kind of knot he used to keep the rope around his genitals. I've been trying, but I can't seem to get it right. Richie needs to show me the way.

Source

I give Heidi Fleiss an "A for effort" for trying to cover up her methface with a zillion plastic surgery procedures. Unfortunately, all the injecting and prodding has brought the meth out even more. Mega methface! Heidi is hoping to get the meth out of her life for good by joining the cast of "Celebrity Rehab 2" with Dr. Drew.

Heidi told Radar that filming begins the second week of June. She joked, "My dream is to be on Celebrity Rehab ... how did I get so lucky? I have a substance abuse problem, and I want to deal with it. I will take it seriously. " This will be Heidi's fourth time at the rodeo. She said her problems are meth and Vicodin, "If I want my Vicodin I'm going to take my Vicodin. And if I want a little of that crystal meth."

Heidi kept the jokes coming, "Rush Limbaugh's my idol, though. He takes 30 OxyContin a day and does that radio show." She's totally not joking.

Good luck to Heidi! You can take the meth out of the girl, but you can't take the meth out of her face. Sadly...

Amy Wino is reportedly set to return to rehab for the ten millionth time. Wino's management wants to transport her crack ass overseas to get help. Wino has asked for their help and knows she needs rehab.

A source told The Sun, “There are too many temptations for her in the UK — people around her in London are making it impossible for her to stay clean for any length of time. Her management had considered flying her to a clinic in Israel but are now looking further afield. They are assessing a clinic in Cape Town in South Africa.”

I don't care if they send that girl to a rehab facility on the moon, she's not going to get better until she dumps Blaaaaaake. He's her cocaine.

If Wino stays with Blaaake, the only way to get her clean is to give the bitch an autopsy. She needs to have her blood drained and her organs cleaned out. She's hardcore crack dirty.

The Sun also asked a doctor about Wino's alleged "impetigo" face. He said, "THE BITCH HAS CRACK FACE!!!" No...he said, “The damage is quite severe, but not unusual with crack cocaine abuse. She’s got a number of sores, some of which look infected, and others that have formed ulcers.”

Proactiv should come out with a "crack face" edition. They would make a killing on Wino alone.

Kiki Dunst is reportedly keeping busy in rehab. Yeah, she's probably going to meetings, crying in meetings and all that, but InTouch Magazine reports she's also getting her floppy pussy eaten. They don't put it that bluntly, but they claim she's found love in rehab. That's smart, because rehab relationships really last.

A source said, "The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes." Kiki's new mystery man even asked his mommy to send Kiki flowers.

Kiki is currently at Cirque Lodge in Utah. This is the same joint where Lindsay Lohan found true love. We all know how that ended.

In even hotter Kiki news, she's reportedly leaving Hollywood. Yes! Yes! Star Magazine reports that Lindsay will leave Hollywood forever after she gets out of rehab. A source said, "When she first came to the Cirque, she said she was planning to leave Hollywood. If she feels that Hollywood holds too many temptations, then maybe she should go in another direction. One thing is for sure — Kirsten's got a lot of demons to conquer. But she's determined to win."

Those aren't demons. It's just gas. I think Kiki should leave Hollywood. This is the best thing I have heard all morning. She should take her new rehab love, move to Greenland, smoke pot all day and play with their fat bellies. This is the life Kiki was meant to live.

Jeff Conaway of "Celebrity Rehab" claims he's finally kicked drugs. Jeff told Inside Edition that John Travolta and Scientology have helped him. What would Dr. Drew say?

He said, “I’ve been doing Scientology…My doctor was like holy cow, he says whatever you’ve been doing keep doing it because it’s really working. John and I stayed friends but he couldn’t watch me going down the tubes…He gave me a whole library of Scientology books and he’s given me an auditor who comes almost every day.”

They got another one! I don't know what worse, being a crackhead or being a Scientologist? I have to think about that one. I think that daily auditor is slowing draining Jeff's blood and replacing it with alien blood. Jeff will be screaming about psychiatry, spraying his head with canned hair and running around with robot women in no time.

It's sound like he's already on the right crazy track. Jeff also said, "I’m going to be strong and healthy and totally together. I’ve got to get ready for my Academy Award.” Spoken like a true Scientologist! Delusional. Good work John.

Rehab is getting fucking crowded. Pat O'Brien is trying the rehab thing again reports The Insider. They released this statement:

"The Insider" co-host PAT O'BRIEN has entered a rehabilitation facility for treatment. O'Brien and his doctors felt this is the best course for maintaining his sobriety.

Eva Mendes also returned to rehab today after a business break. Kiki Dunst is also in the tank. Someone check into rehab and find out what's going on with these people.

I'm disappointed that we didn't get more hot Pat O'Brien phone sex action before this rehab stint. Hearing coke growl saying, "I want to eat you. I want you to suck my cock" gets me every time.

Scott Weiland has checked into rehab according to a message on Velvet Revolver's website.

"Following Velvet Revolver's performance last night in Los Angeles, lead singer Scott Weiland voluntarily entered a rehab facility.

Tonight's San Diego show at the House of Blues has been postponed; the rescheduled date for San Diego is [to be announced]. Velvet Revolver deeply apologize to their fans and thank them for sticking by the group."

Scott was arrested last November after he crashed his car on a highway in L.A. He was charged with DUI. Velvet Revolver is set to begin their Australian tour on February 15th. Their rep said those plans have not changed and the tour will go on.

He just entered into rehab and he's going to start working again next week? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Scott has done this shit before. He just needs to check in and lock the door.

Oh and I really like those silver balls.

Source

Eva Mendes has busted out of rehab reports Life & Style. Eva checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah a few weeks ago to battle some sort of substance abuse problem. Eva arrived back in Los Angeles last night. Her rep gave this statement a few days ago, "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much needed time off to attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support."

Eva has checked out, but Kiki Dunst has checked in. She's at Cirque too. Eva probably couldn't take the stench and had to get out of there.

UPDATE: Eva's only out for a quick second. She's going back in claims her rep. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly." Personal business being hitting up the bars! I'm joking.

Image: Splash

Kiki Dunst is currently getting help at Cirque Lodge in Utah for some sort of substance abuse problem reports Star Magazine. She apparently wanted to get some help after having a few breakdowns. A source said, "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."

Of course she's not in a good place. She's in fucking rehab, Einstein! It's not exactly Disney World.

Eva Mendes is currently getting help at Cirque. They can be bunkmates.

Damn. It seems like everyone's in rehab or the damn pysch ward. They need to put a giant glass bowl over Hollywood and only let them out for special occasions.