Good Luck

HoHan got herself a new fried peroxide mop of straw and she also got herself a new job that pays actual money! Yes, her dealer doesn't have to report her to the collection agency of his choice, because it looks like that bill is going to get paid!

And this job doesn't involve making milkshakes or hawking tan phlegm. No, HoHan landed a role in Robert Rodriguez's next movie Machete. She Twattered the news yesterday. Hopefully for her, this one isn't going to premiere on a Saturday at 2am on Public Access or go directly to a Dollar Tree discount bin.

The movie starts filming in Austin in 2 weeks. According to IMDB, this is the plot:

"Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he's about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he's been set up. He barely survives the sniper's bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend, who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. If you hire him to take out the bad guys, make sure the bad guys aren't you!"

This shit also stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill and Steven Seagal are still in talks to take a role. And yes, Michelle Rodriguez and HoHan on the same film set. Austin is going to run out of the bad shit and someone's vagina lip is going to get torn in a freak coochie bumping accident. It's inevitable.

Here's HoHan trolling around yesterday and also some pictures of her and SamRo being trash outside of 7-Eleven on Thursday. HoHan says that she went back to blonde for the movie role. So I'm guessing she's playing White Oprah in this shit?

On People, there's this headline: Gisele Bündchen Is Pregnant. On UsWeekly, there's this headline: Tom Brady Falls Out of Kayak, Teacher "Saves" Him. Related? DUH! Tom will do whatever he can to stay away from pregnant bitches! Just have Bridget Moynahan over for Crystal Light and she'll tell you all about it.

You know Tom is going to claim he has amnesia and doesn't remember marrying Gis or making a babeh with her. He's going to pull some "Who Huh Wha" shit!

Gis should've watched THIS for pointers and pretended she didn't know she was pregnant until her baby splashed into the toilet while she was going to the bathroom.

Hef's former concubine Holly Madison and master delusionist Criss Angel came out as the newest vomit-inducing couple at the premiere of his new caca show, "Believe (in shit)," in Las Vegas last night.

Hef's ex-bitch said in the past that she was "just friends" with Piss, I mean Criss, but it's obvious she's doing inappropriate acts with him. I say "inappropriate," because no living thing should be getting it on Criss. I can't condone it and will never co-sign it.

Holly looks a little dickmatized in the eyes, but I think she's just relieved that she's with a dude who can get it up without the help of a penis pump. And she also has little Criss spermies dancing in her eyes, because this ho was ready for a baby yesterday.

I'm sure Holly and Piss will have many guinea pig-haired babies together. Her babies will have to go immediately from the delivery room to the plastic surgery room, so surgeons can make them look remotely like their mother. I mean, that bitch looks nothing like her original self.

Note to self: Even though she looks like she's 30, she's like 15 or some shit. Now let's throw the egg shells on the floor and walk....

Little Jenny from "Gossip Girl" was in Los Angeles, doing wholesome things like preparing for a test, when she woke up one morning with a sore throat. Well, it turns out that it was some kind of throat infection that could have KILLED her. Does Blair Waldorf Salad have an alibi?

Little Jenny's doctor talked to UsWeekly (WTF?) about his patient's prognosis. Dr. Shawn Nasseri said, "I have been treating Miss Taylor Momsen for the last few days. She has been hospitalized for a severe, potentially life-threatening throat infection since Sunday. She has been an excellent patient, and after aggressive antibiotics and medications, she is expected to make a full recovery in the next three to five days."

She's now out of the hospital and is going back to NYC with her mother this week.

Hopefully, Cindy Lou Who won't sleep with the COKE...I mean...fan on anymore. Sleeping with the BARF...I mean...the fan on can lead to terrible sore throat issues. I'm sorry about those sentences. My blog Tourettes is acting up again.

Even rich motherfuckers can't resist playing Scratchers. Whoopi Goldberg probably wipes her ass with those things. I'll admit that I like picking up one or two from time to time. I like scratching off the cute lil' pots of gold and leprechauns. They disappear with the swipe of a penny! Imagine that!

Hopefully, Whoopi won big. That way she can give the money to Sherri Shepherd along with a note that says, "Be gone, bitch!"

And Whoopi smokes REDS?! Cough. Even typing that shit makes my lungs jump. That shit is not for amateurs. The last time I smoked a Red, my lungs went on strike.