Good Luck

The name "cuntwaffle" was used to describe Tony Hawk after it was reported that he dumped his third wife Lhoste for his the wife of his best friend Matt Goodman. But here's a little update, Matt really doesn't care that Tony Hawk might be licking on his old jizz residue when he's going down on his estranged wife Cathy. Matt thinks it's absolutely fine and so should you! Matt shrugged it off to Radar:

"I know people will think it is strange but I'm totally cool with it. I had split up with Cathy over a year ago and she started dating Tony about seven months ago. I have a new girlfriend now and I hope Tony, Cathy and Lhoste can all be happy. I texted Tony today and we are all trying our best to get along. Our kids are all friendly and we do not want a bad situation - people are making it a bigger deal than it is. I knew Tony was not happy with Lhoste and I hope he finds that (happiness) with Cathy - they have known each other a long time. He told me about the relationship although I suspected something before that. Life can be strange but I bear no grudges and just want to move on with my life now."

Matt deserves a gold star for having such a good attitude about all of this. Matt isn't going to seal Hawk the Cock's eye shut with a punch kiss and he's not going to cause a scene. Matt is bowing like a gentlemen and allowing his best friend to give it a try. Everybody, this is how an adult behaves! We've forgotten what it looks like.

In the future, when they're all having dinner together, Matt will fondly look at how happy his ex-wife is with his best friend and then he'll stroke the hand of his girlfriend next to him who will be blindfolded, covered with a burka and chained to his ankle....just in case.

TMZ reported earlier that Lindsay Lohan is planning to stay in rehab through the week for more treatment, but the itch of freedom must have been too tempting to not scratch, because Radar is saying that the bitch is out! Hide yo baby strollers! Hide yo shake 'n bake meth lab! Hide yo Gandhi quotes! Radar didn't really say what their proof is for LiLo's final Betty Ford bow, but if you peek out your vertical blinds and see White Oprah on the ho stroll seductively pulling up her skirt to reveal tickets to her daughter's first post-rehab "I'M A CHANGED MESS" interview, you know that shit is true.

LiLo is expected to drive back to Los Angeles later today and hide out in her new Venice Beach apartment. White Oprah used Radar's blow horn to plead to the paps to stay away:

"I want to keep everyone safe and make sure there is no car chase. I don't want to discuss her plans after she leaves Betty Ford because I want to avoid being followed. She doesn't need the stress right now, I just want to move on and have a positive year. It has been a long two years for us, and we are happy that it's almost over."

That White Oprah is so cute. Totally saying "don't follow us" with a straight mouth even though we all know Ali Lohan's on the corner selling detailed maps to the Lohan hideaway in empty Svedka bottles. And speaking of recycling, above is a screen shot from LiLo's reupholstered pussy (copyright: Chris Rock) of a website. IN THIS ECONOMY, LiLo was smart to use Window's old wallpaper and leftover graphics from the Lunesta commercial.

via Jezebel

Never mind Nicole Richie throwing an "Am I really going to marry a bitch from Good Charlotte?" look, because she did marry a bitch from Good Charlotte last night at her daddy's mansion. After being together for four years and making two babies together, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden said "Til Death or an InTouch cover story from a call girl proclaiming 'Joel Madden sent me sexy text messages!' does them part" in front of 130 friends and family in Los Angeles last night. UsWeekly says that guests included Khloe Kardashian, Samantha Ronson and an elephant. Since Parasite Hilton couldn't make it, she sent the elephant in her place so she could be there in aroma (no offense to the elephant's anus).

Nicole's best friend Masha Gordon was her maid of honor and her daughter Sad Clown Baby was the flower girl. Nicole apparently wore a Marchesa wedding gown constructed by an army of twee mice with paws small enough to handle the teeny tiny threads of silk on her dress which was probably the size of a bunny's condom. And to honor her father, Nicole Richie placed a giant Lionel Richie clay head in the middle of every table. Now that is a centerpiece to knock a granny over for:

Anyway, congrats to Nicole and Joel and blah blah blah... This calls for a HAMSTER DANCE!

And that's probably EXACTLY what Benji Madden looked like when he tried to get his beat on last night.

Right now at McKean Federal Correctional Institution in Lewis Run, PA, Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez and the blessed spirit of Vida Boheme are scaling the outside wall to free their sister Noxeema Jackson! People reports that after years of appeals and a last-minute stunt, Wesley Snipes has finally reported to a federal prison in Pennsylvania today to begin serving a 3-year sentence for tax evasion.

Back in 2008, a jury convicted Wesley of three misdemeanor counts of willful failure to file income taxes. Wesley kept appealing the conviction and made it known that he thought that government was out to get him for reasons beyond not filing his taxes. But time ran out and Wesley had no choice but to surrender to the man! On Larry King the other night, Wesley had this to say about spending the next 3 years in the chokey, "I think any man would be nervous. "Given the length of time that they are suggesting that I be away from my family, away from my profession, away from my ability to provide for my family and for those who have depended upon me to contribute to society ... I think anyone would be nervous about that."

On a positive note, at least we won't get another Blade movie for a while. And on another positive note, at least Randy and Evi Quaid have yet another example to throw into their STAR WHACKERS file. Don't worry, Miss Jackson, Randy and Evi will reveal the truth and set you free!

Or maybe the party has just begun? BBC News reports that George Michael will soon be singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go To The Showers" to his cell mate (GONG me in the nalgas, I like it), because he has been sentenced to 8 weeks in the chokey for smashing into a Snappy Snaps while driving under the influence of marijuana. George is already singing "I'm never going to drive again..." after he lost his drivers license for six months (GONG me again!).

Shortly after George pleaded guilty to the charge, he checked into rehab for a quick second and apologized to all of his fans for being a mess. George said that he accepts all responsibility for his actions.

Woe is George. For the next 8 weeks, he'll be shoved into close quarters with a bunch of sweaty and rough men who grunt when they thrust. Rough men who will give him a contraband joint for daily assjobs in the toilets. AND you can't get arrested for fucking around in those toilets. Yeah, change that headline, because the party is definitely on.

During a court hearing this morning, Judge Elden Fox nailed a set of rules to Lindsay Lohan's forehead following her early release from rehab. We all know how well this trick followed the last set of rules Judge Marsha threw at her, so start the countdown clock! Here's the rules courtesy of TMZ:

1. Stay in California. Don't don't even think about visiting la farmacias in Ensenada.
2. Keep a balloon filled with Nana Lohan's sober piss in your crotch at all times, because you must submit to random drug and booze testing twice a week.
3. See your shrink at least 4 days a week.
4. Go to behavior therapy sessions twice a week.
5. Go to a 12-step program at least 5 times a week.
6. Give White Oprah the access code to the safe where you keep blank prescription pads and wads of cash.

Okay, sneaky White Oprah wrote that last one when LiLo was passed out on her bed.

If the crackie gets a major F on her drug and booze test, she will have to spend 30 days back in the chokey. And by 30 days in jail, Judge Fox really means that she'll just have to sit in a private room at Lynwood until she rolls doubles.

The phrase "I Do" was overused as fuck yesterday, because Carrie Underwears said it to Mike Fisher, Martin Lawrence said it to Daaamn Geeeena Shamicka Gibbs, LaLa Vazquez said it to Carmelo Anthony, Emily Blunt said it to John Krasinski, I said it to the waiter who asked me if I wanted a double dose of whipped cream on my cake and Jennifer Aniston said it to one of her dogs wearing a bow tie and top hat. Everyone fucking queefed it out!

I guess July 10th was unofficially International Plastic Champagne Glass Day. Let's see who celebrated this shit:

Carrie Underwears & Mike Fisher: Carrie Underwears became Carrie Fisher (insert Princess Leia side) at a resort in Greensboro, Georgia in front of 250 guests which included Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and some of Mike's hockey teammates. People says that Carrie wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and the ceremony featured a few of the couple's favorite Bible readings. Mikalah Gordon and Jessica Sierra from Carrie's season of American Idol passed out canapes to the guests and were later seen sneaking half-guzzled cocktails into their mouths.

Martin Lawrence & Shamicka Gibbs: People reports that Eddie Murphy and Denzel Washington watched as Martin Lawrence married his latest baby mama in the backyard of their Beverly Hills mansion yesterday. No word yet if Keylolo and Sheneneh crashed that shit and beat on Shamicka with her own bouquet.

Emily Blunt & John Krasinski: These two attached an invisible ball and chain of eternal misery to each other's ankles during a ceremony in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Since a bitch can't sneeze in Lake Como without getting approval form George Clooney first, he was a guest at Emily and John's wedding. John better make the most out of this shit by taking Emily's last name, because who wouldn't want their last name to be BLUNT!? Seriously, you know Emily has already turned down proposals from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson.

Former MTV VJ LaLa Vazquez & NBA star Carmelo Anthony: LaLa and Carmelo, who made a baby together 3 years ago, boarded the marriage train headed for Miserableville (Yes, I'm feeling bitter today) in NYC yesterday. UsWeekly says that 320 people (including Kim Kardassian & Ciara) showed up to their wedding.

It sounds like the wedding worth suffering through was Carrie Underwears'. I mean, Paula Abdul plus an open bar?! You know by the time Carrie and Mike changed into their honeymoon clothes (they seem like the type), Paula had already slow danced with a table centerpiece to "Rush Rush".

And now I've suddenly got a craving for Jordan almonds in a plastic swan....

Speaking of getting punched, the man with a face who makes fists everywhere start up their engines has announced that he has found a real-life human being that has agreed to marry him. Correction: A real-life human being that has agreed to enter into a domestic partnership agreement with him. And Joe didn't even have to roofie her Bacardi Breezer to get her to agree to it! I think.

Joe tells Page Six that he is engaged to CBS entertainment reporter Christina McLarty. Joe and Christina have been dating on-and-off for the past four years. Joe didn't fart out a date, but he says they will be planning their domestic partnership ceremony this weekend. You know Christina is going to wear a dress made out of Girls Gone Wild t-shirts and will arrive at the venue in a GGW carriage drawn by horses with protruding nipples. Instead of throwing petals, the flower girl will just pull her shirt up and down as she skips down the aisle.

Joe also explained to Page Six why they decided to have a domestic partnership instead of a marriage:

"We have chosen to have a civil domestic partnership because we don't believe it's appropriate to be married until our gay and lesbian friends are afforded the same rights as us to legally marry in the United States."

You already know that I'm a jaded and bitter bitch, so it shouldn't surprise you when I say: JOE STOP! This douchebag asshole really wants me to believe that he's standing up for the gays and gayelles of America?! Yes, let's just put his fug mug on the pride flag and give him the key to Oz. Joe is just using the "I care about the gays" excuse to get out of getting married. Well played, Joe.

If you're going to make the decision to violate your snatch by letting Constantine Mouralis stick his dick in, then you should at least do everyone a favor by shoving a cork in his peen hole before wrapping it in industrial strength plastic wrap covered in spermicide. Because if you don't, you will find your vagina frowning at you for the rest of your days. But besides that, you also might find yourself knocked up with his baby! And that's exactly what has happened to actress and singer Angel Reed.

Page Six says that Angel Reed was part of the chorus of Rock of Ages, but she quit the show after finding out she was 3-months pregnant with Connie's kid. Connie, who is one of the stars of Rock of Ages, and Angel have been boning on-and-off for a few months. A source says, "Angel just gave her notice last week, and told friends on the show that she is pregnant. It's been an open secret that she and Constantine have been together for a while."

A rep for Rock of Ages refused to comment on this.

You know, instead of actually fornicating with humans, Connie should just stick to trying o butt fuck everything and anything with his eyes like he did on American Idol. The world is a much safer place that way.

Donald Trump's hair looks like Tilda Swinton's mop after being stranded in the dessert for days without water, moisturizer, hugs or a blow dryer. Just thought I'd point that out. And we're off!

Tilda Swinton is ready to peck Donald Trump's beady eyes out over an enormous golf resort that is about to terrorize Scotland. Tilda lives there, and she's not about to welcome Trump's multi-million dollar resort into her backyard. Tilda says NOOOO to golf courses, but YESSSSS to butt raping directors.

The Associated Press reports that Tilda has joined 15,000 other people in signing a petition asking for the resort not to be built. According to the petition, four residents on the property may be evicted to make way for Trump's golf course.

A spokeswhore for Donald Trump only said that Tilda is siding with the "extremists."

The Trump probably wanted to call Tilda a "fat slob" and a "disgusting pig," but he's saving that for when The Insider or Entertainment Tonight asks him to comment.

The Trump has no idea who he is fucking with, because Tilda's got the crazy fever in her eyes and I don't think she's afraid to unleash it. Tilda looks like she will shit on your porch if you cross her.