Jay-Z

Because sometimes burning hundred dollar bills in their platinum and moon rock fireplace gets boring, so Beyonce and Jay-Z find other ways to waste loads of cash. To celebrate the birth of the chosen one, Beyonce and Jay-Z spend $200,000 on gifts and a party that I'm sure Blue Ivy Carter will remember for the rest of her life (SPOILER ALERT: Her 1-year-old brain already forgot about it).

The Sun says that Bey-Z invited all of their friends and family to Blue Ivy's birthday party to show them how much she's grown in a year, but mostly to show off all their loads of fucking money! Jay-Z and Beyonce spent $95,000 on the finest pink and white roses even though Blue Ivy would've been happy with a blue carnation from the grocery store. Jay-Z and Beyonce also spent around $30,000 on princess costumes and jewelry for the child guests even though they would've been happy with a plastic bag full of 99 Cent Store candy and plastic whistles. The adult guests got concert tickets and gold pens with Blue Ivy's name engraved on them.

And for Blue Ivy's gift, Beyonce and Jay-Z gave her an $80,000 custom made Barbie that was covered in diamonds. Some source said this to The Sun about the birthday party that cost more than your student loans:

“Nothing’s been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It’s hard to imagine how they can top this next year — or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like.”

This is some Rich Kids of Instagram shit. If Blue Ivy Carter is like every other kid (she isn't), then in a few months that $80,000 Barbie will have a butch lezz buzz cut, her body will be covered in tattoos made with markers, she'll only have one leg, she'll have dog bite marks on her face from being a dog chew toy and all those diamonds that once covered her will be at the bottom of Blue Ivy's stomach. Don't worry, BIC will poop out those diamonds along with the other diamonds and piece of gold she shits out on the regular.

Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of "One Of These Things Is Not The Other" when he tweeted this "FAM" (real-talk translation: "VOM") picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It's like the Illuminati's version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce's actual family members. Here's the original picture:

Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby's existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB's weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should've kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children's table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce's old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.

And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They're spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim's ass and both of their egos.

via Gawker

When normal people go to see a basketball game at a stadium, they usually leave their kid with a $10/an hour teenage babysitter or if they're a Lohan, they leave their kid in the backseat of the car with a bottle full of gin. But when the duke and duchess of the one percent, Jay-Z and Beyonce, go to Brooklyn's Barclays Center, which he owns less than 0.2% of, they drop Blue Ivy Carter and her team of nannies in a luxury nursery that they pay over $83,000 a month for. MONEY: Jay-Z and Beyonce like wasting it!

A source tells UsWeekly that Barclays rents out 11 private suites and, of course, Jay-Z's cost the most. When Blue Ivy Carter isn't slobbering on the walls of Jay-Z's private suite, he lets his friends use it. The source said this mess of words:

"Jay rents a luxurious basement suite for $1 million a year. It has an area for Blue filled with toys. It's all glass with a champagne bar and TV screen. Jay lets friends use his digs when he's not there."

Oh okay, so Blue Ivy Carter's nursery is just in an "area" of Jay-Z's suite. Let's say Blue Ivy Carter's private space takes up 25% of the suite, that's around $20,000 a month for a nursery space that she sometimes sits in every now and again. Jay-Z and Beyonce spending that much money on BIC's sometime nursery makes sense, because studies show that little babies are so much happier and healthier when they're sitting in luxury spaces!

If I went to BIC's luxurious nursery at Barclays and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her rattle carved out of a giant diamond and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

If I went to the playpen in the kitchen that my cousin's baby plays in and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her plastic blocks from The Dollar Tree and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

See, haterz, THE FACTS DON'T LIE!

The first line on the first page of every cell phone manual reads: "If Robert De Niro calls your ass, you either call him the hell back or drown yourself and this phone in the Hudson River." Well, Jay-Z broke that rule several times. ILLEGAL!

According to Page Six, Jay-Z agreed to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and Robert De Niro called him up several times to discuss it. Jay-Z never called him back. So at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday the other night, Robert De Niro wasn't going to act like everything is rainbow dicks and heart-shaped buttholes when Jay-Z strolled up to say hi. Some witness said that the entire party stopped to watch the Italian bull and the Brooklyn camel butt heads:

“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation. He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude. De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful. Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down. It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”

It's a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was too busy gorging himself on a Victoria's Secret Angel buffet to notice this fight, because it would've ruined his birthday.

The next time you see Jay-Z out in public, expect him to look like Michael Jackson, because when Robert De Niro shades you, you instantly come down with the worst case of Vitiligo ever. But really, who knew that Robert De Niro was so clingy. You'd think that after one unanswered call, he'd send Jay-Z a final message by putting one of Beyonce's wig heads in their bed.

No, ole' girl has no idea who that is, but random people are always throwing their arms around her to take a picture with her, because she's just got it like that. Naturally.

The subway is already a fucked up cave of insanity where the crazies get crazier and where I'm always afraid I'm just one side-eye away from getting pushed in front of a speeding train. But it got even more insane when Jay-Z and a squad of bald bodyguards mingled with the peons at the Canal Street Station to take the R train to Brooklyn for his show at the Barclays Center. Necole Bitchie posted a video of people damn near trampling over each other to raise their iPhone at Blue Ivy Carter's creator:

What a mess. Can you imagine? Your nerves are already splintered from trying to successfully swipe your Metro Card while a line behind you kills you with their eyes and then you get pushed and shoved by a bunch of hos who want to get to Jay-Z? The subway is for people trying to get somewhere. It's not for STUNT QUEEN celebrities who think they're being cute by riding with the regulars. It's a good thing subway cars aren't decorated with mink seats, cashmere walls and Diptyque candles, because then Beyonce wouldn't taken the R train too and it would've been an even bigger mess.

The dude in the tux who looks like he just inhaled a stank cloud of dirty ass blowing at him from his left IS saying it all with his face.

At last night's BET Awards, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye Kardashian (née West) all held court in the front row while Kim Kardashian sat there like the loser outcast trying to get the popular kids to look at her. This is what it would look like if a celebwhore was forced to spend a full hour with a Make-A-Wish kid and that Make-A-Wish kid was a real asshole. Seriously, this looks like Beyonce is doing charity work she really doesn't want to be doing.

The side-eyes, laughs and the "if I fake smile big enough nobody will notice that I'm grossed out by that trash heap heffa whore" facial expressions from Beyonce and Jay-Z were almost more hilarious than Jay-Z wearing one of Pee-wee Herman's old suits. But Beyonce did try to include Kim in their royal Illuminati triangle. It was nice of Beyonce to make Kim feel at home by wearing a dress the color of piss. Jay-Z however, didn't even try. When Jay-Z and Kanye won Best Video or some shit, Jay-Z reached into his pocket, pulled out a Post-it with "KICK ME" written on it and stuck that shit on Kim's back:

And it's a sad, sad day when a photographer crops Basement Baby out of the picture to make way for Kim's ass. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked back down the basement stairs by a Kuntrashian.

Since Fishsticks Paltrow is a stalker with means, she's been following Jay-Z and Kanye's tour throughout the UK and Europe, and has been documenting all the shows she goes to on her Twatter page to remind all of us that she's best friends with Beyonce. When Fishy Tweeted the above picture of herself, The Dream and Ty Ty watching Jay-Z's show in Paris and wrote the note "Ni**as in paris for real" over it, a wave of side-eyes came at her. Some didn't think it was cute that Fishy referred to two black men in Paris as "Ni**as in paris for real." Some defended Fishy's ass by saying she was only quoting the song. It's a cuntroversy (not really)!

Fishy's dumb ass later went back on Twitter and said she was just quoting the song.

The "for real" is what makes Fishy's Tweet a for real mess. Bitch should just let her GOOP writers write her Tweets too, because when they stick a freshly moisturized with dolphin milk foot in their mouths, they do it without using the n-word. But seriously, Fishy didn't have to lie by saying she was quoting the song. She wasn't quoting the song. The asterisks in "Ni**as" aren't covering two Gs, they're covering one N. Blue Ivy Carter and Apple Martin were backstage at the show in Paris and since Fishy is an official Spaniard, she calls them "niñas." Niñas in Paris. That's what she really meant. DUH!

Here's Fishy's best friends Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving their hotel in Paris with world champion breath holder BIC.

Personally, the only rapper I want to hear from when it comes to the topic of gay marriage is Chris "Daddy Mac" Smith from Kris Kross, but in the meantime I guess we'll listen to what Jay-Z has to say about this. During a talk with CNN's Poppy Harlow (Side Note: I wish my name was Poppy Harlow.) about stuff, Jay-Z was asked if he's Yay-Z or Nay-Z for marriage being legal for everyone. Jay-Z co-signed what Obama had to say:

“I’ve always thought it as something that was still holding the country back. What people do in their own homes is their business and you can choose to love whoever you love. That’s their business. It's no different than discriminating against blacks. It’s discrimination plain and simple."

Jay-Z also said that it really doesn't matter if Obama's support costs him some votes, because it was the right thing to do as a human being.

Because I am pretty much a professional nitpicker, my irises took a few steps to the side at the word "choose" and moved all the way to the side at the word "in their own homes." This is rich coming from a multi-millionaire who owns 45 mansions across the world including an estate covered with iridescent dolphin tears on an island in Antarctica that you can only get to by hovercraft yacht. Excuse you, Jay-Z, but some people live with their parents, siblings and/or roommates and can't do their business in their own homes. Some have to do it in the dark part of an empty subway train, the last stall in the men's room of a bar, the last row in a movie theater playing LOL, between parked cars, a random apartment building room, etc... etc... So what I'm getting from this is that Jay-Z is pro gay marriage, but anti-public fucking..... and anti-homelessness. I see how it is.

And I can't wait for Newsweek to declare Jay-Z as "Gay-Z" on their cover.

via HuffPo

To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce's Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there's dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit.

There's Beyonce on a yacht. There's Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby's front door. There's Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There's Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there's Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce's Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I'll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker.

On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you're wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it's there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo's Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don't or she'll multiply!

Mama Tina's cheeks look like they're pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina's eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina's whole face looks like it's possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.

As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch dropped their purse on the floor and ran for their lives! With just the lift of one brow, Mama Tina can steal your voice, poison your food and give you the feeling that her minions are snatching your children out of their beds to put them to work in the House of Dereon sweat shop. Drop all your worldly possessions and save your children!

After Basement Baby tallied up all the dropped wallets, purses, wigs, jewelry and watches she picked up off the floor, she declared that they set a new fundraising record. You're a mean (and genius) one, Mama Tina.