You really haven't lived in NYC until you come home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over your front door. A layer of piss fumes at your front door is the NYC version of a welcome mat. But Mah Boo Anderson Cooper doesn't really see it that way, because bitchery took over his finger tips when he Tweeted his disgust at a drunk ho autographing his front door with piss. For the record, it wasn't me marking my territory at Mah Boo's fox hole. I have an alibi. I was too busy rubbing my nipples all over a subway stop somebody told me Rojo Caliente went to once. Here's Mah Boo using 28 words to say "AH NEVAH!"
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!
about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Hold up and hit me again. Mah Boo took a picture of the golden shower Lothario?! Cancel my plans of rubbing my butt cheeks on a restaurant door Prince Hot Ginge passed by during his NYC visit, because I know what I'm really doing tonight. But I have class, and I respect Mah Boo, so I'll use a Little John when I serenade his front door with my remix of "Ain't Gonna Pee Pee In My Bed Tonight (Because I'm Pee Peeing on Anderson Cooper's Front Door Instead)."
And either the excitement of winning an award fermented and bubbled over putting him in a drunk euphoric coma, or the camera caught the moment his butt finally exhaled out a fart that had been stuck in there all day. Either way, Ricky Martin is relaxed. So yeah, Ricky won a trophy at the GLAAD Media Awards last night for being GAY!, OUT! and a CELEBRITY! Ricky told reporters that declaring his love for the peen was welcomed with open arms (and other body parts). Ricky thanked his partner Carlos and then gave a shout to Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, etc... Sadly, Ricky didn't give a special thanks to his shiny red Menudo jeggings. Here's Ricky's speech:
“I just want to be free. I can say today I'm free. And for that I definitely need to thank my parents for being so supportive, my mother and my dad for their unconditional love, and my friends, my family, my fans. And my partner in crime and my boyfriend Carlos.
And GLAAD let's go to Latin America, let's share the love! Let's go to Mexico! Let's go to Columbia! Let's go to Argentina! Let's go to Chile! Let's go to Brazil! We need you GLAAD -- we need you down there, we need to spread the love in Latin America. Let's do it in Spanish. I can help, I can do it! I'll be part of it. I want to be part of it.”
"Let's do it in Spanish" has just become my new favorite fuck partner pick-up line. And besides Ricky, other hos who found a trophy in their hands last night included Tina Fey and True Blood (full winners list here).
And here's some pictures! In order: Ricky Martin, Andy Cohen with warriors from the Ke$ha tribe, Tina Fey, Manila Luzon with Sahara Davenport, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Jane Velezzie-Mitchell with a chick who is giving me the dizzies and Rollerina.
Getting their inspiration from a urinal creeper who tried to capture Jake Gyllenhaal's dick in a private moment, Playgirl is offering a $10,000 bounty to anyone who can bring them a portrait of the colossal bolt of pleasure in Anderson Cooper's slacks. Yes, 10,000 US dollars, and not 10,000 palladium bars covered with diamonds and locks from a mermaid's hair. BLASPHEMY! $10,000 shouldn't even get you a glimpse of Mah Boo's tip! $10,000 should only get you a peenlipstick kiss mark on a paper napkin, but those bills better be crisp and freshly laundered.
Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Popeater that in their newest issue, Mah Boo is #1 on their list of "Top 10 Guys We Want to See Naked." Daniel explains why they'd like to see the silver fox in all his glory, "He's got this charisma that a lot of our readers are attracted to, plus now he's all muscled, [so] he's not only smart but also hot. Both our male and female readers love Anderson."
Good luck to anybody who can make this happen. Old folklore says that Mah Boo's boo boo is as elusive as a unicorn. You can only lure him out of his silver field by sprinkling fairy dust around a toadstool. Then you must seat a virgin on that toadstool and play a gay jig on a porcelain flute while she bats her lashes . Yeah, you know that asshole you always see in Chelsea who plays ABBA songs on a plastic recorder next to a Virgin Mary statue sitting on top of a glitter-covered mushroom ottoman? That's me. Wave at me next time.
Anderson Cooper is as pure as a newly sprouted feather on a baby angel's wings and as innocent as the first blink from a newborn kitten, so who would ever want to make fun of him? An evil bitch who makes fun of Mah Boo is the same kind of evil bitch who laughs at children when they fall on the streets. Wait. I do that. But this isn't about me! This is about the the lizard king of the suspender pile they call Larry King. If Larry King had any internal organs, they'd belong to Satan now for what he did to The Silver Fox at Donald Trump's roast the other night. Larry called Mah Boo "Mah Boonita", basically. Popeater was there:
The quip that had the audience shocked was when CNN icon Larry King made fun of his former co-worker Anderson Cooper's sexuality.
Pretending he was still hosting his now-defunct talk show, King took calls from viewers throughout the country and then tossed to Anderson, whose '360' followed his 'Live' show every night for years.
"Anderson Cooper is coming up next. Let's see what SHE'S up to," Larry said to the packed house.
A FUCKING SHE! I'll have Larry know that Mah Boo is ALL adonis and has a perfect penis sculpted from silver by Michelangelo himself (my wet dreams don't lie). I swear, this motherfucker Larry. A regular shank won't work on his demon ass. I'll have to blindfold myself and tiptoe into his lair with a blessed sword and a satchel full of unwrappable Werther's Originals. Hold my bag.
Mah Boo Anderson Cooper has returned from Cairo, Egypt where the ichor that flows through his veins almost splattered against the streets after a group of fox-hating thugs did not respect the beauty and delivered several blows to his head. You might want to put on your anti-innuendo goggles for this one, because when it comes to Mah Boo, they just pour out of the open sewer pipe in my brain.
Mah Boo sat next to David Letterman last night to talk about the serious shit situation in Egypt as well as how he doesn't recommend getting pummeled. That's not what he says, Mah Boo! And by "he" I mean your proctologist. NO. The Silver Fox does not like getting pummeled. He much prefers if you spoon him while softly whispering the day's headlines into his ear. Now if the Egyptians thugs did that instead of pummeling him, we wouldn't have a problem. I mean, did they not see the Handle With Care sign that cherubs carry over Andy's head at all times?
Not only did the word "pummeled" jump out of his mouth, but he also used the word "pumped." Get me a new pair of chonies and drag a tub of Prep H over here, because I'm done. After Mah Boo used the words "pummeled" and "pumped" in the span of a few minutes, I felt like I was lying face down in the steam room of a David Barton Gym with a wet towel over my head and not one feeling in my ass. I'm exhausted!
Here's Mah Boo pre-IB (innuendo bomb) outside of Letterman in NYC yesterday. Look at him work that suit like a newbie butchie posing in a Men's Warehouse dressing room for the first time!
Before a string of diamond tears on his head is pulled out during a brawl, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is leaving Cairo and heading back into the bosom of America for comfort (In other news, I've changed my name to America). Mah Boo will return to NYC where the only threat he has to worry about is me coming at him with a slobbery hole (you decide which one). Actually, me coming at him with a slobbery hole is worse than an Egyptian coming at him with an angry fist.
Now that Mah Boo is almost safe and sound, we can now focus on who we're going to send to Egypt in Mah Boo's place. My vote goes to Miss Downriver Trash 2010 Jennifer Lyn Petkov or Teen Mom Amber because that bitch will punch back.
Important journalist and important object of my wet dreams Anderson Cooper is currently covering the for real shit in Egypt, and yesterday they almost ruined the space blanket of American dreams hugging the top of his head. And today, this happens! They're gonna cover Mah Boo in boo boos (I hid the GONG this time, so don't try it). The Silver Fox just needs to mount his Pegasus and fly back! If he wants, he can stop at the Luxor in Las Vegas and report from there. During some nights, those drunk gambling bitches are just as rowdy.
via Mah Boo Twitter
In the head?! In the head?! But that's where the Shangri-La of platinum coated wet dreams lies. That's his money! That's his beauty! That's his EVERYTHING! Does JetBlue fly to Egypt, because somebody has to protect Mah Boo from those evil beauty haters! My head is already used to getting struck with heavy loads and whatever is left of my brain is padded with bullshit, so I can take it. Punch me instead!
Then I can get my free clinic nurse practitioner to prescribe a heavy dose of Mah Boo saliva to heal my head wounds. Yes, I just typed Mah Boo, saliva and head in the same sentence. Cancel my JetBlue reservation, because my b-hole is flapping so hard that I can fly there myself.
See, this is what happens when you cancel the Internet. BOOS GET HURT!
UPDATE: As I step off the ledge.... Mah Boo's silver blanket of angel cum is safe and sound! Shortly after the boo brawl, Anderson safely reported from a balcony on how he got through an episode of The Bad Girls Club: Cairo. No visible bruises and no rips to his polo shirt. All is well again (Although, it's really not well again since people are still punching people in Egypt). Can't CNN send Michael Lohan or Spencer Pratt to Egypt instead?
via HuffPo (Thanks to all ten million of you who sent this in!)
In case you've never seen it, here's yet another precious portrait of Anderson Cooper I'm going to print out in black and white and slip into the family album that I bring out whenever somebody comes to visit (note you're making to yourself: don't visit his ass). This is Mah Boo with a butch Colleen Williams haircut in the 90s. And now I can scratch "Mah Boo in a Bugle Boy jeans ad" off my list of "Things I Want To See Mah Boo In."
via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is going to make his Broadway debut as the pre-recorded voice of the narrator in the musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying starring Daniel Radcliffe! And in this clip, DanRad and the director gush about Mah Boo.....while I gush about Mah Boo in a totally different way. You can blame the moving image of Mah Boo talking into a thick silver peen with a NuvaRing over it (at least that's what I see anyway) for producing that visual.
I'm also announcing that Dlisted will take a slutbbatical at the end of February, because I'll be too busy humping on the speaker at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre.
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)