Anderson Cooper

While some of us were lighting sparklers from our b-holes to celebrate The Silver Fox casually giving up his spot in the glass closet, that Aqualish-looking ass bitch Star Jones said on Today that she thinks he completely choreographed his coming out for maximum attention and to pull up the ratings of his talk show. On today's episode of Anderson, the Rhoda to Anderson's Mary, Andy Cohen, brought up his coming out, and the Silver Fox said that the only thing that tore a strip of silver leaf off of his fox hole was what Star said. Anderson stuffed some dried bitchiness into a tea bag, dropped that tea bag in a mug full of lukewarm tap water and then served it to Star Jones:

"I will say and I actually haven't mentioned this, the only thing that did kind of annoy me and actually it annoyed my mom who brought it up to me, Star Jones of all people, I know you mentioned it on your show. Star Jones of all people, I haven't thought about Star Jones in I don't know how long. I was unaware she was even on TV still but she apparently shows up on a morning show on Today or Good Morning America, The Today Show. Anyway, out of the blue Star Jones said after I sent this email Star Jones said this was a ratings ploy by me to boost ratings."

As Dirt Star Jones ran that burn under cold water, Anderson said that she's obviously letting her ass lips do the talking, because what she said was a pile of dingles and didn't even make sense.

"That's why it so annoyed me because of all the ways to boost ratings, like if I was wanting to boost ratings I would have waited to announce it on a very special episode, that would have been promo'd for weeks and weeks and there would have been commercials, 'Anderson's huge announcement,' and you would have a cut away of the audience but instead I was in Africa on assignment for 60 Minutes, I sent an email to a friend of mine who put it on a website. I gave no interviews about it, I never talked about it. I wasn't even on the air for days afterward and so suddenly Star Jones, who as memory serves, in terms of boosting ratings, I seem to recall her hocking her wedding every single day to get free products when she was on The View and I seem to recall her lying about her gastric bypass surgery and making everybody else lie about it as well. So for her to suddenly emerge out of the shadows and suddenly attack me for this, I couldn't believe it.

And my mom was like, 'Who is Star Jones?' Anyway, so I can't even believe I am bringing this up because I don't even want to give Star Jones the attention. I never planned on talking about this but we invited Star Jones to come on this show and she turned us down." 

Star Jones is a scared bitch and that's why she can't face the Silver Fox. But you know, it sounds like Anderson still has some shit to say to her, so I'll be happy to slip on an E.T. costume, throw a black wig on my head and let him slap me, whip me and shade me like I'm Star Jones.

Star's dumb ass is probably already getting punished for this anyway. I can only imagine the cuntified text messages that Gay Al Reynolds is sending her. Now that Star has pissed off the Silver Fox off, there's no way Gay Al will ever get an invitation to Anderson's Sunday afternoon tea party. Gay Al's gay social life is OVAH!

There was a frowning rainbow over Croatia this weekend, and that's because when the Silver Fox frowns, rainbows frown and the Silver Fox was frowning after finding out that his live-in piece Ben Maisani was caught humping mouths with a side piece a day before they left for their vacation. Some source tells Life & Style that the locks of pure silver on Anderson's head temporarily lost their shine when he got sad about the pictures. And that means I need to sell a few of my beaten down internal organs to Priceline in exchange for a one-way ticket to Croatia, because I'm needed...and because I don't think the restraining order he has out against me is valid there. The source said this:

"Anderson was with Ben in Croatia when he was told about the photos. They were on a yacht. They flew to Croatia on Aug. 11, one day after the photos were taken. Anderson's upset -- who wouldn't be?"

Guess who else is in Croatia with Anderson and that bag of muscles and slutiness he calls a boyfriend? Andy Cohen! Anderson tweeted a pic he took of Andy in Croatia today and Andy tweeted about being in Croatia with Anderson. I know what's going on here. Anderson is going to be so upset that he's going to run out onto the deck of the yacht to softly weep tears of betrayal under the stars. Then Andy is going to slither out onto the deck, grab a step stool, stand on it and let Anderson cry it out on his titties. And since Andy's eyes are naturally in the derp position at all times, Anderson won't even notice that his right eye will be on the lookout for Ben. Bitch is so going to take advantage of a vulnerable Silver Fox right there on the poop deck!  How shameful, Andy! Smart and something I would do, but still fucking shameful!

It all went to piss when they let Fuggie Fug get between them, obviously. The Daily Mail has some slightly ESCANDALOSO and EXLUSIVO pictures of The Silver Fox's rumored fiance Ben Maisani sucking face with a piece who isn't silver on top and doesn't have creamy porcelain skin like an angel's organic cum shot. Basically, Ben MESSani is making mouth love with a dude who isn't Anderson Cooper and he's doing it all out in the open. Here's my theories about this shit:

1. Ben has brains of dried squirrel shit and he's a dumb, cheating skank whore who has committed an ILLEGAL act by stepping out on The Silver Fox. When Andy Coo is calling you his own, the only thing you put your lips on besides him is a fucking lucky star, because you're screwing on The Silver Fox. That is living the life. If Ben is passing his peen to other whores behind Andy's ass, then he obviously wants to get caught, because who kisses their side piece out in the open besides KStew's dumb ass. You take that shit private and by private I mean the second bathroom at the gay bar Eastern Bloc. I just hope that this doesn't break Andy's heart into a million black pieces and makes his angelic hair turn charcoal black from being betrayed. If I wasn't a lazy piece of lazy shit, I'd totally work out until I got biceps on my lashes so Andy Coo would have an eight pack to cry on.

2. They have an open relationship. I know, crazy. If I was with the Silver Fox, I'd have an open relationship. But by that I mean that my legs would be open 24 hours a day for his ass. I'm sorry if there are children in the room, but that's just the truth. Why lick on another trick when you can fill your mouth with diamond dust by licking on The Silver Fox's nipple. That's just crazy!

I hope theory #2 is the correct theory, because if Anderson Cooper's heart breaks, the world will split in two and the apocalypse will swallow us whole before spitting us out into the depths of hell. We have failed as a people if Andy Coo's heart breaks. I'm just going to blame Fergie.

That being said, I'm totally twisting my nipples to those pictures. Shame: You can't ever accuse me of having any.

Since every rainbow in the sky has a layer of silver on top it from Anderson Cooper officially coming out, The National Enquirer says that he's ready to take the next step in his personal life by marrying his boyfriend of 3 years Ben Maisani (or as I used to call him, THAT MUSCLE BOUND PROTEIN SHAKE OF A TRAMP TROLLOP HOMO WRECKING SLUT SKANK IN WHORE JORTS).

A source type tells the Enquirer (via DM) that the second after same-sex marriage became legal in New York, Andy Coo's been thinking about making Ben his first husband. I say "first" husband, because Ben won't be Andy's last. Those Vanderbilts love getting married! The source adds that Anderson and Ben almost broke up because of their work schedules, but his mom Gloria Vanderbilt convinced them to stay together and is now trying to get them to marry and adopt a kid. A Silver Fox wedding could go down as soon as this Labor Day.

If Anderson cares about the future of civilization, he will hold off on this shit. The ozone layer has barely recovered from almost tearing completely open from the excitement of Rojo Caliente's wedding and it can't take a Silver Fox wedding!

This totally unconfirmed and probably bullshit rumor should make me want to plan a big gay The Graduate-style stunt by trying to stop the wedding as security guards taste me in the froat, but it doesn't. What's that saying? If you love something that doesn't know you exist, you let it go...but not before you turn a picture of it into a pillow case so you....know the rest. Yeah, that's the saying.

Besides. I'm at a point in my life where I just don't want to put in the work needed to have a long-lasting relationship with the Silver Fox. And by that I mean that I don't want to go to the gym every hour and I want to pick up a bowl of nachos instead of something with weights on it. I mean, look at Ben Masani. Ben has more muscles on his teeth than I have on my entire body. In order to have a beautiful relationship with Anderson Cooper, you have to have a beautiful relationship with a weight machine. And if you saw me huffing my soul out on the double dildo machine yesterday, you'd know that working out and me just don't belong together.

The line I've been waiting to hear from Anderson Cooper ever since my irises turned into silver hearts while watching him on Channel One in junior high school homeroom has finally leaped off of his tongue. Actually, let me correct that. The line I've been waiting to hear is: "Michael, here's a one-way ticket to my fox hole, just for you." So is the second most important line I've been waiting to hear.

The Daily Beast's Andrew Sullivan asked Andy Coo about his thoughts on Entertainment Weekly's story about famous gay people subtly coming out without a parade or a People magazine cover. The Silver Fox said the words "I'm gay" and explained why he hasn't totally sashayed out of the glass closet before. I just want to let it be known that it's really hard to type while a tidal wave of puckers takes over my body:

I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.

The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don't give that up by being a journalist.

And he goes on:

In my opinion, the ability to love another person is one of God’s greatest gifts, and I thank God every day for enabling me to give and share love with the people in my life. I appreciate your asking me to weigh in on this, and I would be happy for you to share my thoughts with your readers. I still consider myself a reserved person and I hope this doesn’t mean an end to a small amount of personal space. But I do think visibility is important, more important than preserving my reporter’s shield of privacy.

Yes, I hoped Anderson would come out this July 4th by painting the words "I PROUDLY LOVE PEEN" on his naked body in silver glitter paint before shooting himself out of a cannon over the Hudson while white fireworks spell out the message "THE WORLD CAN END NOW" in the night sky, but I'll take this.

Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, everyone! Let's all join hands and skip through the forest as baby silver foxes giggle together in happiness!

Karen Klein, the 68-year-old bus monitor from Greece, NY who was verbally attacked by a pack of little cuntmeisters, has been making the media rounds and last night she landed on MahBoo369me. During the interview, Anderson Cooper read apologies that two of the boys pushed out to the media. One of the boys, Josh, issued this statement and I'm sure his parents wrote it after he threatened to piss on their doorstep if they didn't. It's straight out of a bull's culo:

"I am so sorry for the way I treated you. When I saw the video I was disgusted and could not believe I did that. I am sorry for being so mean and I will never treat anyone this way again."

The memaw in Karen finally poked out and she pretty much farted on Josh's apology and the apology from the other kid. Karen dragged Josh when she said that he's also been a troublemaker and she'd never trust anything out of his mouth. YES! Drag that bitch, Karen! Chancleta slap him with your words!

Karen says that she's still waiting for a real apology and not one that's released to the media first. Karen doesn't think the boys are evil down to the core, but she does think they should be punished by doing community service and getting kicked off the bus for a year.

And about that donation money...

Karen's pot is filled with over $530,000. Karen told Anderson that she doesn't think the money will ever find its way into her checking account, because it's too good to be true. The dude who started the fundraiser still claims that it's not a scam and the money will never touch his hands. Oh, and Southwest is also giving Karen a free trip to Disneyland for 9 people.

Yes, Karen is probably (hopefully) going to get over half-a-million dollars for this shit. I know we're all thinking the same thing. Why didn't YouTube exist when we were getting bullied in middle school?! We'd retired to Thailand at the age of 16. The whole "donation" thing is getting crazy and is sort of out of control, but whatever. I guess people watch the video, feel for Karen and since they can't give her a hug, they give her something even better than a hug: MONAY!

And since I donated $10 early on and Karen is now way richer than me, I fully expect her to buy me a drink and some cheese fries.

If you're on a flight from L.A. to NYC and Anderson Cooper is quietly drifting into a silver fox slumber behind you, you have to take a picture of it. It'd be the most IMPORTANT thing in your life. You're taking care of a screaming baby and that baby refuses to shut up? Show that annoying baby a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and that baby's eyes will be too busy getting lost in that picture that it will forget to cry. You're eating delicious pancakes at a Denny's and a fight breaks out (because that's just what happens at Denny's). Show all those fighting whores a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and their raging assholes will instantly cool and you'll be able to enjoy your delicious pancakes in peace. You're on a date with me and trying to get away without being too obvious. Whip out that picture and make your escape as I lick the screen. Yes, you'll lose a phone since I'll eventually shove it down the back of my chonies, but that's a small price to pay. What I'm saying is that a picture of Andy Coo doing mimi times is THAT soothing and THAT hypnotic. But the Silver Fox wants no part of that shit and read a bitch his rights for trying to capture that magical moment on his iPhone.

On Kathy last night, Andy said that on his 6am flight to L.A., he was trying to sleep when a sneaky bitch with an iPhone tried to get a picture of him. Andy wasn't having it, so he grabbed that dude's shoulder and spit out the line is my ringtone for EVERYTHING! Andy asked that ho, "Bitch, what ... are you doing?'"

Oh, and the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice himself, Johnny Weir, was sitting in the next to Andy while all of this went down!!!!

So to recap: Anderson Cooper went on Kathy and told a story about how he called a bitch a "bitch" while sitting next to Johnny Weir. This is the best gay pride gift ever!

via LA Times 

On his talk show, The Daily Mail Show with The Silver Fox!, Anderson Cooper continued to stretch his arm out toward that Peabody Award by bringing out the factory-defected Linda Hogan Real Doll who was the 2011 valedicwhorian of Pimp Mama Kris' Night School of Murdering Your Kid's Childhood with Botox for Some Screen Time. We all know The Human Barbie as that Ipkiss-faced pile of melted doll skin who's on The Daily Mail every other month for giving her 7-year-old daughter a voucher for future plastic surgery work. Well, Andy Coo had her on his show yesterday and he tried to get into her head even though he would've found more interesting shit if he peeked into the head hole of an actual Barbie doll. Once Anderson realized that The Human Barbie was only on his show for the free publicity (THIS IS NEW INFORMATION!), he dropped a "Bitch, Be Gone!" on her ass by telling her to sashay away. The audience's nostrils were filled with the scent of an over-microwaved Tupperware lid from The Human Barbie getting burned by the Silver Fox.

After the show, Anderson taped a video note backstage where he said that he banished her from his stage, because her brain is not capable of producing honest thoughts and he felt that the fame whore was only there to be a fame whore. Yeah, Anderson's light bulb takes a while to light up, but when it lights up, it REALLY lights up.

In all seriousness, Anderson is a real journalist, so he obviously did his research and knew what he was dealing with. That is why I can't co-sign this shit. Anderson could've played it three ways:

The serious journalist way: Don't put a fame whore on the show at all and instead devote the entire hour to important topics other serious news organizations cover like the day's most popular cat videos and an exclusive interview with the man who jumped out of a window during a local news report.

The semi-serious journalist way: Bring on a mental health professional to try to talk some realness into The Human Barbie before an agent from Britain's Child Protective Services storms the stage to drag her away.

The 100% STUNT QUEEN way: Bring out a folding table, cover it with delicious plastic breakfast foods (that bitch only eats plastic, right?) and allow The Human Barbie to enjoy it all during her interview before acting out a completely choreographed food fight after one of the audience members calls her a "DISGUSTING FAT LOOSER WHORE!" Then Andy's bald-headed security guard will come out and drag her backstage as everyone chants, "ANDY! ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!" Oh, and The Human Barbie should throw her shoes at one point during the brawl.

Obviously, I'd go with option #3, because I really want to see the Silver Fox throw a silicone croissant at a bitch.

My full body boner for Anderson Cooper has slowly gone halfway limp ever since I started watching his talk show (see: getting topless for Snooki) and so I haven't been making your eyes roll by foaming at the fingers over him in post after post, but I'm taking a break from my break from the Silver Fox to bring you this clip of his latest giggle meltdown. Since above everything Andy Coo is a serious SERIOUS journalist, he reported on Dyngus Day during his CNN show last night and ho could not keep it together (at the 1:40 mark). It's like somebody was tickling him in the dyngus with a pussy willow. QUICK, somebody tell a CNN intern to steal that chair, because I'm sure Andy left a little unicorn butt nectar on that seat from giggling so damn hard.

And in the great precious-off of April 2012, who wins? A Silver Fox giggling fit or a junkie kitty nom nom nom-ing on catnip?

The answer is: The Silver Fox giggling his silver-leafed ass lips off while watching the junkie kitty get its catnip fix.

(Thanks to Melissa and everybody else who sent this in)

One time, I popped an imaginary bag of popcorn while watching a bizarre bitch fight between a middle-aged BBC (big beautiful chola) wearing Adidas house slippers with black tube socks and a 20-something manufactured blond trick who obviously had a quote from The Hills as her e-mail signature and who told all her friends she was a personal shopper when she was really a dressing room attendant at Wet Seal. Yes, she was the kind of bitch who says "We also have that blouse in chartreuse!" way too often. The BBC and Miss Wet Seal had it out, because Miss Wet Seal rolled her eyes when BBC asked Miss Wet Seal to take her Juicy Couture tote bag off of the seat next to her so BBC could sit down.

There are three things you do never do to a chola. You never touch her hair, you never change the oldies station on her car radio and you never roll your eyes at her. They went at it the entire time and since you will always wait a minimum of 47 hours at the DMV, it was a marathon show! What I'm getting at is that the DMV is a wondrous place where the carpet is dirtier than the toilets, the employees permanently hate life and two hos from two different worlds create entertainment for everyone by snapping at each other. It's a beautiful. Twitter reminds me of the DMV, because it's a place on the Internet where random feud fights go down. Case in point: The Silver Fox vs. M.I.A.!

Out of nowhere yesterday, M.I.A. called Anderson Cooper out on Twitter for calling her a terrorist during one of his shows. In this fight, the part of Miss Wet Seal will be played by M.I.A. and the part of the BBC will be played by Anderson Cooper (because he gives the best burns):

M.I.A. - @AndersonCooper called me a terrorist for speaking out , and expressed support for the SLgov when this was happening

AC - @miauniverse, you are mistaken. I never called you a terrorist. I don't even know who you are other than the lady who sang at Super Bowl.

I'm going to press pause on this Twitter fight for a second to put that last Tweet into GIF form:

Moving on:

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper YOU CALLED ME A LADY TAMIL TIGER when i talked about tamil civilians dying, and u printed a retraction http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/02/lady-tamil-tiger-gives-pop-culture-a-bang/?hpt=ac_mid. @andersoncooper in 2009 u linked to a articl that was written about me with false info. there was a rebuttal on ur 360 site.

AC - @miauniverse. by the way, I defended your finger pointing at the superbowl, so check your facts. I've no idea what youre tweeting about. @miauniverse you've gone from saying "I wrote", "I called you," to saying my cnn show blog had a link to an article. Big difference

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper p.s thank you for defending my finger , please watch Channel4

AC - @miauniverse I can understand your frustration if someone wrote untrue things about you, and I'm glad you were able to respond.

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper im glad u understand but please watch #killingfields because this is what i was trying to say.

In the end, The Silver Fox and M.I.A. (that sounds like two code names in the messiest CIA team ever) kissed and made up. It's actually a non-story, but I had to post it, because it's always a beautiful day when The Silver Fox licks his finger to put some sizzle on a bitch. You know he snapped his fingers and smacked his lips after he Tweeted that comeback. Serve a trick for talking out of turn, AC!

via E! News