Anderson Cooper

When the harsh realities of the world start to fade Anderson Cooper's giggle, he switches on an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta to him pick up again. Nothing makes his tonsils palpitate like a visit from NeNe Leakes. Because of this, one might think that Jersey Shore's Snooki also has the same effect on Mah Boo. Survey says...NEGATIVE! Mah Boo is much too much of a refined gentlemen to go dumpster diving with those pieces of trash.

During last night's Mah Boo 369me, Andy said that everything he knows about Jersey Shore he learned from the pop culture master class known as The Soup and he plans to keep it at that! Mah Boo even snapped Snooki's thong strap by saying she's so down to earth that she's in the gutter. Mah Boo releasing his inner cunt is my porn.

And since we're on the subject of Mah Boo, Gawker posted a story from The National Enquirer yesterday about Andy and his piece possibly adopting a child from Haiti. I really don't have anything to add, but I will say that if this comes true my farewell to the internet party will be held in the banquet room at Bullwinkle's. I will have no choice but to devote the rest of my life to taking care of Haitian babies. Specifically, Haitian babies adopted by a certain silver unicorn who lives in a firehouse. Mah Boo is going to need a gaymanny.

First the PUPPIES (see below) and now this! Just when I thought I had successfully hardened the black crust surrounding my heart by watching 2 episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians back to back, this video of Mah Boo helping a young boy in Haiti landed in my inbox (Thanks Jon).

During a looting at a supply store in Haiti, a boy was hit in the head with a rock and was bleeding pretty badly. Mah Boo immediately dropped his serious journalistface, flexed his biceps and carried the boy to safety away from the crowd. It's like if Superman was a giggly silver fox who spent his days off watching The Real Housewives. And since I'm always thinking about Bonnie Tyler songs, an acoustic version of "Holding Out For A Hero" played in my head while watching.

And now the hardened crust around my heart has completely shattered. Leave it to Mah Boo.

Over at Popeater, they are saying that CNN has had enough with Kathy Griffin and is knocking the dick out of her mouth for the final time. According to some source, CNN is pulling the plug on Kathy's act after she launched a beautiful fuck bomb on live TV while hosting New Year's Eve with The Silver Fox. Ugh. What kind of message does this send to our youth? We're telling them that they will be punished for using appropriate and poetic language. Shame on CNN.

What hurts even more is that the source claims even Mah Boo has co-signed Kathy's pink slip: "She was a total embarrassment to the network that calls themselves 'The Most Trusted Name in News.' Even Anderson thinks it's time to say goodbye to Kathy."

A rep for CNN wouldn't confirm or deny this shit. They only said that no decisions have been made about next year's show.

I have a hard time believing that Mah Boo would personally show Kathy the exit. Every time Kathy brings the raunch, Mah Boo giggles and blushes like someone is tapping his fox hole gently with a wet tongue. You can't fake that. Mah Boo loves it!

Last year on New Year's Eve, Kathy Griffin made Mah Boo Anderson Cooper burst into an orgasm of awkward internal giggles when she dropped a line about dicks from Mr. Show. Kathy knew she had to do something this year to keep her name on YouTube's most viewed list. This year Kathy went with a classic: THE FUCK BOMB!

Kathy launched the fuck bomb while Mah Boo talked about 6-year-old Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene. Kathy seems to think that Falcon sounds a lot like "fuckin." Hey, when it comes to the fuck word being dropped on national TV, I'll take what I can get even if it doesn't make any sense. Kathy is working for the greater cause. And she's also working to make sure Mah Boo's ass lips stay twinkly (yes, they twinkle). Speaking of, here's a clip of Kathy and Mah Boo talking dirty and exchanging gay innuendos. Mah Boo cooing, "It's not hard to take me down" is about to become my new wake-up call.

Lastly, some bitch didn't appreciate Kathy's f bombs and filthy talk taking the spotlight away from Mah Boo.

Just for recording keeping purposes, my Twitter name is not "Bill." Okay, yes it is.

And next year, I hope Kathy finally sends CNN's censors into cardiac arrest by doing something involving strap-ons and the cunt word. Let's go big for 2011, Kathy!

Whenever you see a sexy piece making the "snake going into the cave" gesture with his hands, that's your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.

Here's Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.

Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....

As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!

The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).

And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.

Before Ben Maisani was flexing his triple-wide muscles all over India with The Silver Fox, he might have been touching lips with Mr. Schu from Glee (aka Matthew Morrison). Over at ONTD, they posted this picture (taken pre-Mah Boo time) of Ben hugging on a sexy piece. They seem to think it's Mr. Schu himself. But let's bring in the CSI: Dlisted team to analyze:

Hmm... Well, the space between the eyebrows and hairline seem off. Matthew has a mole, but the dude on the left doesn't. Also, the earlobes aren't exactly twins. I don't think it's him. Oh, and one more thing: SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME A FUCKING LIFE! STAT!

Mah Boo doesn't have anything to worry about. I'm sure he can out-dance, out-sing and out-Glee Mr. Schu any day of the week.

(Image Source: Twerking)

I was wondering why my no-no stopped puckering whenever I stood outside of the CNN studios for hours on end in the night time hours. I figured my asshole's GPS tracking system needed maintenance, but it doesn't! It wasn't getting the tingles, because Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is thousands of miles away in India with a man friend! Yes, the same man friend that will give you (aka me) a black eye just from flinching.

Page Six reports that Mah Boo was spotted in Jaipur with Benjamin Maisani, one of the owners of the gay bar Eastern Bloc in the East Village. Mah Boo is staying at the Rambagh Palace and some source said, "Anderson's room has a large round bathtub. On the first night it was filled with bubbles and sprinkled with red rose petals."

Oh, Mah Boo's fancy bath doesn't mean anything! That's how he always takes his baths. He likes the way the petals gently tickle his nipples while the bubbles waltz around his Anthyllis.

I know I should probably grab my kayak and head for India, but if you love something, you must set it free.....and then watch it from the bushes while crying in an empty cake box. And yes, if you need me, I'll be in the padded room on the right.

On Mah Boo 369me last night, Anderson Cooper and his homegirls discussed the barf felt around the world. Since Mah Boo has the intellect of Einstein and the instinct of Det. La Toya, he knows that the Heenes are obviously trying to wrap their UFO-loving paws around a reality show deal. Mah Boo even says that if they aren't trying to become the next reality show darlings, he will "marry Michael K in a wedding officiated by Chicken Cutlets with the Empress of Lucite as our witness and a reception catered by Spaghetti Cat." You heard him say that! HE DID!

So those Heenes need to get in front of GOD, ALLAH, BUDDHA, CHEESUS and JOAN COLLINS and swear those rumors about them whoring themselves out for a reality show are untrue. Then they all need to hide in the attic until Phoebe Price declares me as the new Mr. Mah Boo.

You might have already seen the picture of Anderson Cooper caught in the act of busting his biceps at the gym. The picture (which has been permanently pasted to my no-no for the past few days) was all the talk on Mah Boo 369me last night. Just like he always does, Mah Boo got all giggly and shy-like when Erica brought them out. I'm guessing Mah Boo is probably thankful that the pap didn't catch what was going on down below. That's a "TOO MUCH TEETH" face if I ever saw one. The bitch responsible for doing that to Mah Boo should be shot.

And Mah Boo's new rule should be, "ALWAYS work out in front of a window." Specifically, my window. Specifically specifically, my bedroom window. Even in winter. I'll give him a parka and some hot cocoa....with marshmallows.