Will Arnett has lost his TV wife, because Christina Applegate is taking the next dinghy to dry land before Up All Night sinks to the bottom completely. NBC said a few months ago that Up All Night would get overhauled and they were planning to change it from a single-camera comedy to a multi-camera sitcom complete with a live studio audience and a laugh track. Even though one of the stars of the show has exited stage left, NBC is still planning to shoot a new season with Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph and they're planning to bring in another lead actress. Kelly Bundy gave this open goodbye letter to The Hollywood Reporter and basically said that she's leaving before shit gets even messier:
"It's been a great experience working on Up All Night, but the show has taken a different creative direction, and I decided it was best for me to move on to other endeavors. Working with Lorne Michaels has been a dream come true, and I am grateful he brought me into his TV family. I will miss the cast, producers and crew and wish them the best always."
Now that Kelly Bundy has quit that bitch, the only way NBC can save Up All Night is if they keep the title, fire Will Arnett, fire Maya Rudolph, dump the plot, hire the legendary Rhonda Shear and just have her introduce B-movies all night. Like this!
When NBC announced they were doing a show called Up All Night a couple of years ago, I really thought it was a reboot of this and got really excited. Rhonda Shear needs a major comeback (and no, that HSN shit doesn't count)!
Didn't it feel like Christina Applegate's knocked up period lasted longer than the entire run of Samantha Who? (RIP Samantha Who?)? But the time finally came. Christina's coochie did the Bundy Bounce and pushed out a baby daughter in Los Angeles last Thursday! Unfortunately, Christina didn't name her kid "The New Allante" and I doubt she'll dress her baby up in a leopard mini-skirt and a leather jacket when they pose for the cover of People Magazine in a few weeks. If only Kelly Bundy was a real person!
Christina actually gave her baby a normal name that doesn't sound like a scent at Bath and Body Works or a character from a third-tier 1980s cartoon. The details from People:
"Actress Christina Applegate and fiancé, musician Martyn LeNoble, welcomed daughter Sadie Grace LeNoble on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2011, in Los Angeles," the spokesperson said in a statement. "Mother and daughter are doing great."
Adds someone close to the proud parents: "She's a beautiful little girl, and they are so happy and in love with her."
Just once, just once, I'd like to read a celebrity say some shit like, "Eh, she seems alright, but she's kind of bitchy." Kelly Bundy would've said that.
And Christina's dude kind of has a Christopher Walken quality to him. You don't know whether he wants to shoot you in the eyeball, molest your nipples or take you by the hand and gracefully dip you before licking your teeth.
The Children's Choir of Hades, which masquerades under the name Kidz Bop while performing here on Earth, has conjured up an instant classic with their cover of Xtina's HO SHIT ANTHEM "Not Myself Tonight." Tipper Gore does not need to step in here, because the "fuck yous" have been replaced with "boo hoos". So parents can let the baby prostitots and postnatal pimps in their lives shake their low-rise Pull-Ups to this without feeling an ounce of guilt!
Since these bratlings are singing about how they are not themselves tonight, does that mean they are actually behaving, being polite and not rolling their eyes at you when you tell them that they cannot watch another episode of Waverly Place or whatever shit they are filling their heads with? If that's the case, this can be used as a parenting tool!
This news makes me happier than the time I successfully turned my eyelids inside/out after trying for hours. No, I'm not talking about the news that Christina Applegate's womb is currently being invaded by a fetus who might cause her to caca herself when it comes out. Don't ask me why (no, really...don't), but the other night I spent way too long reading about the labor shits.
Anydiarrheaplacentacasserole, the good news is that Christina announced that she's expecting a BABY!!! with her fiance Martyn Lenoble (who is giving me puckery Dolph Lundgren vibes) without declaring that she also leaped over the moon like other assholes. YES! Christina gives me hopes that we will soon celebrate the extinction of moon jumping! Christina will make a perfect mother for that fact alone. And she will really really make a perfect mother if she names her baby New Allante.
You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne's relatives, because I know you know what I'm thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn't make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.
Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their "Favorite Comedy Movie" at the People's Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I've had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can't...
Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She's probably on the Grey's Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it's an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!
I usually watch the People's Choice Awards every year, because it's a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn't handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah...blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn't miss much.
The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn't grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.
Below I've thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn't vomit all over her face.
Over two weeks ago, we got the sad news that Christina Applegate was battling a form of breast cancer. Well, she's in the clear! In an interview airing on "Good Morning America" tomorrow, Christina said, "I'm clear. Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." Thank Buck Bundy!
Christina was able to catch it early thanks to a doctor ordered MRI. She said that when she first found out she "was so mad and I -- I just remember I was -- I was just shaking - and then also immediately, I had to go into... 'take-care-of-business-mode,' which was ... I asked them, 'What do I do now? What - what is it that I do? I get a doctor, I get a surgeon, I get an oncologist? What do I do?"'
She quickly started calling around to find someone to teach her how to live macrobiotically. Does that mean she can only eat seeds, grass and berries? Can you at least drink booze on a macrobiotic diet? It's made out of natural shit, right? Just say yes!
UPDATE: Christina said she underwent a double mastectomy, even though the cancer was detected it only one breast. She said, "My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy. So basically I had a prophylactic double mastectomies. I didn't want to go back to the doctors every four months for testing and squishing and everything. I just wanted to kind of be rid of this whole thing for me. This was the choice that I made, and it was a tough one." She didn't undergo chemotherapy.
Phew! I'm happy to hear that Christina is going to be alright. Let's all celebrate by getting off of our fat asses and doing the "Bundy Bounce" in her honor. And don't forget to say, "The newwwwwww Allante" while doing it! Clip below (skip to 9:18):
I always hear the worst news at the start of my day before I have even finished my second cup of coffee. I might just have to pour a little Bailey's in this shit after hearing this news. Christina Applegate's rep confirmed that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Her rep issued this statement: "Christina Applegate was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer. Benefiting from early detection through a doctor ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery. No further statement will be issued at this time."
First, Christina's boyfriend dies of an overdose and now this?!
Her rep better be telling the truth and Christina better have a full recovery. Not Kelly Bundy. Not her. Buck the Dog and I will howl together in sadness. She'll beat it, I know it.
Christina's mommy is a breast cancer survivor. Because of that, Christina became a spokesperson for Lee National Denim Day, a fundraiser to benefit Women's Cancer Programs.
Good thoughts for Christina!