Nicole Kidman

Variety reports that stoner goddess Charlize Theron has dropped out of yet another project (expect baby friend rumors in 3...2..). Charlize was supposed to rub her labia all over Nicole Kidman's forehead of steel in The Danish Girl, but Fishsticks Paltrow will get that privilege instead. Yes, The Botox Queen and the POOPmeister together on screen. Laxative stocks will drop!

In the movie, Nicky will don a dick to play Danish dude artiste Einar Wagner who made the entire world clutch their pearls after he traded his peen in for a poon. Fishsticks will play his wife and fellow artist Greta Wegener. Here's the synopsis from Coming Soon:

The film is based on the true story of Danish artists Einar (Kidman) and Greta Wegener (Paltrow). Their marriage took a sharp left turn after Einar stood in for an female model that Greta was set to paint. When their portraits became wildly popular in 1920s Copenhagen, Greta encouraged her husband to adopt the female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

It should be interesting to see how Nicky is going to play a real-life human dude. I mean, she has the wooden face to play Pinocchio, but lately she's not really believable as a breathing human (see Australia).

And on the next GOOP, Fishy will whip up an organic substitute to Nicky's favorite poison using her own bitch-flavored venom.

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of Britain's GQ magazine looking like a lizard alien who has come to earth and is disguising itself as a German transsexual working as a low-budget dominatrix. Yes, I watched V last night.

In the interview with GQ, Nicky (who probably goes to bed in her oxygen chamber at 9pm each night) wants us to believe that she's done some kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff in the bedroom. Although, to be fair to her, putting Scientology-approved cream on Tommy Girl's ass warts each night does counts as "kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff." Shit, even being married to that crazy little Scientologist those few years counts too. There's nothing stranger than that.

Nicky told the magazine, "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy."

When asked about her faux marriage to Tommy Girl, Nicky said that she will never go into detail about it and even burned some of her diaries after she married Keith Urban, "I want to honor that marriage for what it was, and there is nothing I would go into about that. I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will. If you know what is going on inside somebody’s head all the time, that’s not a good place. You can’t read somebody’s diary. You shouldn’t read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You’re only going to find out bad things."

Bitch stop! The truth is that you can't talk about it or Suri will fly through the window to cut your tongue out! And don't make it sound like you burned those diaries on your own. The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard (aka Tommy's real doll) was probably holding a zap gun (found in any 99 Cent Store) to your frozen forehead as you threw your diaries into a chiminea.

VIA Daily Mail

Here's Nicole Kidman desperately trying to roll her eyes at congress while testifying at "International Violence Against Women: Stories and Solutions" hearing yesterday in DC. Nicole, who is a goodwill ambassador for U.N. Development Fund for Women, admitted that Hollywood contributes to violent against wimmins by portraying them to be weak hussies.

Nicole said, "Violence against women is not prosecuted because it is not a top government and urgent social priority. We can change this. They need and deserve our support. Not with a box of band aids but with a comprehensive, well-funded approach that acknowledges that women’s rights are human rights.”

Nicole promised that she will no longer play mindless sex pots on screen, "I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood but I can certainly be responsible for my own career." Cut to Megan Fox throwing Nicole a shank eye for trying to fuck with her money!

But seriously, Nicole is fighting the fight, so I will keep the Botox abuse jokes under my pillow for another day. And I do see a few wrinkles, so thankfully I think she left the needle at home.

In the new Harper's Bazaar, Tina Fey said that she's not about to get intimate with a botox needle anytime soon, because she doesn't want to look like a shiny candle. To be more specific, a holiday candle. Tina said, "You can point any kind of laser at my face, but I don't think Botox is for me. I think it is bad. People who have too much, they look like their faces are full of candles — a shiny, shiny face." Festive, though. "Yes, festive. A holiday candle."

And now I can clearly see what Tina meant by this. When you skip into a Yankee Candle this holiday season, don't be too shocked if you see Nicole Kidman chilling on a shelf with a wreath around her neck and a wick on top of her head. In the clearance section, of course.

Here's Nicole Kidman at an Omega store in NYC looking surprisingly moist for someone who probably can't drink a glass of water without a surgeon carefully inserting a skinny straw into her mouth.

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via Fox News), Rachel Weisz says all actors should be banned from injecting their faces with the liquid cement known as BOTOX! Rachel explains, "It should be banned for actors, as steroids are for sportsmen. Acting is all about expression; why would you want to iron out a frown?"

Speaking of frowns, here's Nicole Kidman giving Rachel one for making that absurd statement! Yeah, Nicole is madder than fish grease! Can't you tell? Well, you can tell, because her hair is all Medusa-like. Every time she tries to frown, the pressure makes her hair curl.

There's no way Nicole would ever stop dropping Botox loads on her face. If she quit it, her face skin would slowly slide off of her head. It's the glue that keeps her together! How would she act if her face was only bone and tissue? Oh, wait. Mickey Rourke was nominated for an Oscar for doing just that.

Here's a few pictures of Nicole Kidman's plastic face slowly melting in the sun while filming Rabbit Hole in Queens, NY yesterday.

Nicole Kidman has washed away the cat pee in her hair and has gone back to her natural red! Well, she's probably naturally grey now, but before that red grew from her roots! I must say that the red makes her look like her heart has beat at least once in the past 24-hours and that she won't shank you with her eyes if you attempt to hug her. I HATE IT! I like my Nicole Kidman as icy as possible! The red probably melted all the icicles that are usually hanging from her crotch. Booo!

Nicole should've dragged Keith Urban to the JcPenney salon with her. Keith's mop is only at Stage 2 Kate Gosselin hair. Keith's missing the little beaver ass bush on the top. All he has to do is add that, feed it some kibble and then bask in his own hotness.

Here's Nicole wearing my abuelita's one good nightgown while leaving the Broadway play God of Carne Asada with her husband last night. Cue up the knocked up rumors! But even a breadstick would look 6-months pregnant in that dress.

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

Nicole Kidman was all ready to try to move her face again for Woody Allen in his new movie, but that's not going to happen anymore. Nicky has suddenly quit that bitch. Nicky didn't give a reason and no replacement has been named yet.

The movie which starts filming in London this summer stars Nicky's friend Naomi Watts, Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins, Freida Pinto and Josh Brolin.

The other day, I smoked a bowl and was feeling kind of brave, so I decided to watch all 10 million hours of Australia. Hugh Jackman is hotter than a Mother's Circus Animal Cookie baking in the sun, but Nicole...... Nicole..... Her face. It was like watching a piece of wet chalk with a little hatlet on top. Maybe that's what Woody should do. Save himself some coin by casting another actress and just put a piece of chalk in Nicky's place.

Source: Entertainment Weekly

I don't understand Nicole Kidman's new commercial for Schweppes.

I mean, Nicole is supposed to be some wax alien creature in India who befriends Rubina Ali from Slumdog Millionaire. The two run off to some gazebo by the water where they touch each other's faces. Rubina is probably transfixed with Nicole's frozen mug, because it feels just like an empty plastic yogurt container. After that ridiculousness, Nicole runs off to her room while unzipping her dress. She runs into Bollywood star Argun Rampal in the hallway and starts to give him a kiss, but instead she shuffles off. When she's inside her home, she grabs a bottle of Schweppes, drinks it, says "What did you expect?" and then giggles like a dumbass. Cut to Rubina inside of the room giggling with Nicole. WHA?! Touching a child's face by the water? Turning down a hot piece for soda? Unzipping your dress for absolutely no reason? This makes no sense.

But the biggest WTF moment is Nicole drinking Schweppes without vodka, gin or even rubbing alcohol. Ick. Nast. Who drinks that shit straight up?!

VIA Jezebel

Nicole Kidman showed up to the Academy of Country Music Awards with her wee little calico kitty-haired husband and wearing one of Breathless Mahoney's old ones. While Nicole decided to wear something old, she also wore something new. I'm talking about her lips. Did she stuff those things with even more generic-brand vegetable oil?! I know her lips usually look like Michelle Duggar's labia lips after a Brazilian wax, but this shit has gone too far. Nicole's lips are looking like two overstuffed pieces of sausage that were boiled too long and started to split. Nicole just can't let go of Tommy Girl, because I bet he has a matching pair on his Scientolohole.

For the first time in a long time, I don't have the sudden urge to throw Nicole's face back and forth with a friend in the park, so that's a good thing. It still doesn't move, but I spot one wrinkle, so she's making improvement. Lastly, let's talk about that hair. THAT HAIR! It needs a bowl of Werther's Originals on top, because that shit is memaw-approved. That gerartric mop screams "Mah social security check is late!"