Prostitots

This is Joe Jonas. This is Joe Jonas wet. This is Joe Jonas flashing his pit pubes. This is Joe Jonas making sexyface, but it kind of looks like he's trying to pass a queef through his peen hole. Ick. Nast. I just said "Joe Jonas" and "peen" in the same sentence. Okay, I know he's 19 which makes him legal, but why do I still feel like I'm committing a felony by looking at this picture! Why do I feel like I just ended up on some government list. Don't even ask me if I'd "hit it." If I answered that question truthfully, the FBI will storm through my front door and confiscate this laptop.

And what about his celebrity crush?! I'm kind of impressed. I figured Joe Jonas was more of a Brad Pitt fangirl. But now I've got an image of Joe Jonas and Daniel Craig tossing salads and licking beef bones. Dammit.

P.S. - Is it just me or does his purity ring look abnormally erect?

VIA ONTD

Alleged 15-year-old (wink to Mah Boo) Ali Lohan has been whoring herself all over the place with her big sister and some were asking a very valid question: "Why isn't this old baby face marinating in a classroom?" That's because she's enrolled in The Lohan School of Hard Cocks, I mean, Knocks.

White Oprah told the New York Daily News that it's impossible for Ali to be in school full-time, because she's in HObusiness. White Oprah wiped her nose, cleaned her teefs and said, "She is home schooled. I'm a firm believer in staying in school but, in the business, it's gotten difficult for Ali to be in school."

You know, Ali Lohan would probably be better off being raised by a pack of day-shift hookers (actually, she kind of is, right?), but imagine if you were 15 again and your mom let you be homeschooled. You could sleep until your hangover wore off, watch stories all day, eat junk crap by the gallons, work on your tan and then do like 10-seconds of school work. It would be kind of awesome. Ho stuff 24/7.

However, in a couple of years, Ali is going to be wishing she sat in a math class or two when somebody tells her the dealer gave her 2 grams instead of 5. The more you know (shooting star).

Little Miley Cyrus is sick of playing with grown ass men who actually have pubic hair in their private areas, so now she's ready to shuffle back into the romper room where her ex-whatever Nick Jonas is waiting to let her play with his purity ring. That's what a source tells Gatecrasher.

The rumor going around the cafeteria is that 16-year-old Miley wants to break up with her 20-year-old boyfriend of 8-months, Justin Gaston, so she can go around with her ex Nick Jonas. Miley hasn't broken up with Gaston, but that hasn't stopped her from going to first-and-a-half base with Nick. A source said, “Miley was over at the Jonas house recently, and they were smooching. Nick’s parents have this rule that when a girl is over, the door has to be open, but that didn’t stop Nick and Miley from making out.”

The source forgot something. Not only does the door have to be open, but they both have to be wearing condoms (under their clothes, thank you very much) and holding a bible in one hand.

Miley knows that she totally needs to be with Nick, like totally, but the problem is that she's not sure how to break up with that old dude. The source went on to say, "She doesn’t know how to tell Justin that they’re over, but Nick is being very firm with her. He’s a good, stand-up kind of guy, and is making Miley tell Justin very, very soon. He’s being tough about it.”

Oh, Miley, I know it's hard. But all you have to do is get our your cutest Post-Its and your most adorable pen. Then write this note to Gaston: "Deer JG, itz totes over. I luvz NJ again. Letz be friendz. TTYL. Have an awsome summer. I LUV JESUS! Heartz, Miley." If you lay it on him deep like that, he'll totally understand.

This is what 15-year-old Taylor Momsen from Gossip Girl and her mom wore to church yesterday. Okay, I haven't been to church in like eons, so I have no idea what people wear anymore. If bitches show up looking like Courtney Love working the ho stroll in order to raise money for that exiled Nigerian Dignitary who e-mailed her, then I need to stop by more often while making my way home in the morning. That's what these two look like. They had to pop in really quick to apologize to God for all the dark-sided shit they did only hours before.

You know they took extra swigs from the church wine and tried to snort the wafers. Actually, they probably brought a flask and asked to have it refilled for the road. I have to remember that one.

Here's more of Young CLove, her mom Pat Benatar and her little sister after praying to Jesus yesterday.

OK James, you can drop character now, Pineapple Express been on DVD for like 6 months already.

But enough of that. Joe Jonas must have been watching reruns of That 70's Show because homevirgin is looking like a new age Wilmer Valderrama. You don't go around looking that succulently delicious unless you're ready to pop your nut cherry all over a quivering, steaming no-no. Purity ring my taint! He's totally DTF (down to fuck) right on the sidewalk. Dude is titty fucking and prematurely jizzing on all of us with his eyes. Bitch must have caught a glimpse of himself in a window or something, because it looks like he's giving his peen a little tickle. I know that move.

Miley loves the pappies so much that when she misses them something fierce, she calls them up for a visit. Well, a visit that they have to pretend they weren't invited to. You see, while the pappies were taking pictures of Miley getting juice with her mama je'e Trish, they were asked by some broad how they knew the hillbilly prostitot was there. They answered, "They called us." Yeah, slap me with a dildo made of DUHS, because I'm shocked.

But if Miley went out to get juice and the paparazzi didn't get pictures of it, did it really happen? Hmmm.

And Miley's mother totally reminds me one of those bitches you try to avoid at parties, because you know that once you get stuck with her, she'll will never let you go. Of course, after you've had too many white wine spritzers, you find yourself right next to her. Then you quickly realize why you tried to steer clear from her ass, because all she talks about is star signs, her extensive collection of Beanie Babies and her hundred different recipes using Cool Whip.

When this picture of the two possum pussies known as Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus came out in Vanity Fair, whores (including me) gave the side-eye, because they looked a little toooo close. It's sprinkled with just a bit of "Incest is a game a whole family play" flavor.

In her new memoir Miles to Go (BARF), 16-year-old Miley addressed the H8RS who think her relationship with her daddy is filed under: Creepy McCreepster. Oh and yeah, Miley has a fucking memoir out. No, it's not in TXT form. No, it's not just an article in Highlights. It's an actual book being released in stores. Mr. Barnes and Mr. Nobles are weeping in their graves.

Miley writes (I need proof she can actually do that), "The media has said some stuff about my dad and me being too close and too cuddly for a father and a daughter. For me and my dad it's not weird at all. we don't let other people tell us what expressions we're supposed to have on our faces when we take a picture together!"

The dumb bitch when on to whine that people who make fun of her are "so full of anger, hatred and bitterness."

How did Miley get a hold of my medical records?! Anger, hatred and bitterness are the three things my doctor told me I was full of after getting my blood test results. I already know that! But I'd rather be full of those things than caca, chitterlings and Bill Ray's........... Okay, okay, I'll stop right fucking there.

And here's some pap pictures of Miley and her little sister at their house. No, I don't think her sister is in an open-eyed coma. She's just motherfucking miserable! Can you blame her?

Since a judge ordered that the Bratz dolls be pulled off all the shelves immediately and be sent to rehab, the free clinic or the plastic surgeon's office, you might be at a loss as to what to get the prostitot in your life this Christmas. Fear not! Tini Puppini is here! This commercial has been playing for a while now, but watching it again reminded me that they make a perfect temporary replacement for Bratz.

I know a skanky dog isn't the same thing as a skanky doll, but Tini Puppini still teaches the kids and gays what's important in life: getting your hair done and acting like a dumb ho. Tini Puppini also would've been the perfect nickname for my last boyfriend, if I ain't being too subtle.

Those Tini Puppinis may think they are hot shit, but those bitches have nothing on my dog. This is how it's done. The end.

And I'm glad the announcer chick let us know that the Tini Puppinis don't talk. I was about to buy one just so Toffee Puppini could call me a "ho" in person. Yeah, I know she says "howl," but "ho" makes more sense.

Thanks Don

Yesterday on her show, Ellen Degeneres asked prostitot chipmunk Miley Cyrus about her 20-year-old boyfriend and the topic made Disney's favorite whore erupt into an annoying seizure of giggles. You can tell Ellen wanted to hit her over the head with her strap-on. I would've held her down for Ellen. Miley's laugh can fucking grate cheese.

Has Miley been sharing a can of computer dust with that hot bitch Allison from "Intervention"? I was expecting Miley to bob her head and say, "It's like I'm walkeeeen on suuunnshine."

Thanks Galina

The dirty toilet plunger known as Stephen Baldwin vowed to move to Canada if Obama won. Somebody give that dumb fuck a newspaper, because Obama is our next president and Stephen is still here! I doubt Canada wants his ass either. When Obama won, they probably sent Stephen a bottle of their native maple syrup with a note that said, "Eh! This is the closest you will get to our fair Canada! Eh!"

Stephen lied to us all by not leaving. That's not very Christian-like. In the wise words of the God Warrior, "HE IS NOT A CHRISTIIIIAAAAAAN." It also wasn't very Christian of him to get Hannah Montana's initials tattooed on his body. Ew and ew.

According to TMZ, at some White House event last year, Miley Cyrus dared Stephen to get Hannah Montana's initials tattooed somewhere on his busted body. If he did it, she would let him guest star on her show. Well, yesterday at one of his book signings in Nashville, Stephen showed Miley his tattoo. He went through his part of the deal so she has to get through hers. Miley agreed that she'd let him cameo on her show.

No, that's not creepy at all. Well, it's only her initials, Stephen could tell people it means something else. Horny Moron? Hobag Mangina? Humongous Motherfucker? The possibilities are endless.

And since I mentioned God Warrior, it would be dark-sided not to post her most shining moment:

Image: Pacific Coast News