Prostitots

Miley Cyrus' 17th birthday isn't until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts' hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.

Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, "Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I'm not sure who was more into Constantine -- Miley or her mother." Where's the option for "all of the above"?

While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn't just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts' ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:

Billy Ray, you are excused!

Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus' voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.

In Miley's song "Party in the USA," she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley's answer? "Ah've nevah heard a Jay-Z song." She didn't write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn't listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin.....

And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.

In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she'll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.

VIA NY Mag's Vulture

In case you haven't heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn't know how he's going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I'm too old for this video. Actually, we're all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a "Goodbye Internet" rap.

Didn't Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

Unless scientists find a way to make babies piss 100-proof alcohol and cough up weed buds, I'm probably not going to become a parent anytime soon, so I'm not sure how I'd feel if my 16-year-old daughter went out on the streets wearing this. Okay, I'll be real with you. I'd probably applaud her ass and then make her replace her shoes with exquisite lucite heels. Yes, I'm already on Child Protective Services' "wish list."

At a block party for Teen Vogue last night, 16-year-old Taylor Momsen (aka Little Jenny from Gossip Girl) performed with her band Pretty Reckless wearing this. Don't call her Noah Cyrus just yet, because it's not that bad. The garter belt is the only thing that makes her look like an extra from Hookers at the Point. Besides, didn't we all dress like graveyard-shift prostitutes when we were 16? I know I was wearing a garter belt under my pleated Cross Colours jeans. Yeah, I think my jeans were more offensive than the garter belt.

It's for their own good! When you're screaming to Soulja Boy that you'll do disgusting, slutty, dirty, illegal, raunchy, offensive, grisly ho shit in order to get on his bus, then you need to either: a) immediately join a nunnery or b) become a contestant on a Vh1 dating show.

Although, I shouldn't hate on these little girls, because I stand outside of CNN studios every night and scream the same shit to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper.

And I bet you didn't know she had more than one! Seriously, Disney is the wrongest wrong of all the wrongs. Chris Hansen needs them to put down that iced tea and have a seat....

In future news, Hannah Montana's red cherries have sold out! The entire stock was bought by a man named Mark McLeod-Cyrus.

(Thanks Susan)

At last night's Teen Choice Awards, the Princess of Prostitots showed all the little kiddies how the Cyrus' do it by working a pole on top of an ice cream cart. Yes, a pole on an ice cream cart. Thank you, Miley, for giving PedoBear a brilliant business idea. PedoBear's "Shake It For a Cone" ice cream cart coming soon! Don't got any coins for an ice cream treat? That's ok! Just get up on that pole and do it Cyrus-style! Seriously, God, it's okay if you want to push that red button already. I think we've seen it all here. Or have we.....?

Last week, I posted some pictures of Miley's 9-year-old sister Noah posing around a pole at some party, Well, there's video! Here's Noah and her friends swinging around a pole while grown-men watch. I. CAN'T. I. CANNOT. Okay, that button needs to be pressed NOW!

And why would I not be surprised if Rhode Island's Cheaters Strip Club sent out a recruiter to the Cyrus family home?

Here's some pictures from last night of Miley, Billy Ray, Noah and her friends. I didn't know Noah was a Ramones fan! I can't wait for her cover of "The KKK Took My Baby Away."

Actually, it's how I sit in a chair when certain circumstances (spoiler alert: rowdy ass sex) forces me to do so. Miley, however, is just doing that thing she does when she's trying to be sexy. Or maybe she's pushing out a caca balloon. I don't know, but apparently these pictures caused a bunch of little hos to freak out. Adam Shankman, the director of Miley's movie, posted this shit on his Twitter page and later defended the pictures by writing:

"Miley is a sweet angel who works tirelessly and endlessly, and is allowed to have fun in the make up room! Seriously! Lighten up or no more behind the scenes pics! She's like my angel little sister."

Why is everyone still surprised that Miley's pictures look like they came directly from a Craigslist ad. This is what she does! When homegirl isn't chewing on wood to keep her Chiclets sharp, she's doing this. In unison: She's just being Miley!

Miley Cyrus posted a picture on her Twatter of her bad ass nose stud, but there's more important shit to discuss. What in (please click on this) TG Fabulicious Hell is going on with Miley's hairline? Every time she talks, does her sand paper (grit 600) voice rub off some of her hair? Or maybe when her mom Tish gets hongray, she nibbles at her daughter's hairline? Yeah, Tish's shiny tombstone teefs don't look that innocent.

By the time Miley's 18 she's going to look like a wigless Phil Spector!

You really shouldn't be reading this. No, you should be reading your bible! That's what hillbilly prostitot Miley Cyrus says. I'd follow her advice, but the last time I touched a bible, I suffered third-degree burns on my fangers!

In several Tweet posts, Miley went on and on about how gossip blogs are the work of the DEBIL and talking caca is killing lives. Or something like that.

Miley wrote (at least I think she's trying to write), "talk all you want. i have my flaws. im a normal girl theres things about my body i would change but stop with calling me f*t in post. i dont even like the word. those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words. the ones that scar people and cause them to do damage to themselves or others. people that are so okay with being so hateful diguist me and need to spend last time on a gossip website and more time a. reading your bible b. reading stories/articles about what happens when cyber abuse and name calling happens. kids hurt themselves. this is not something to be taken lightly. i know these 'message boards' are "no big deal" to YOU but is to the victim. this has got to stop!!! oh and ps if your thighs don't jiggle go see a doctor. thanks. :)"

What the hell is this possum yammering about?! I don't think hos are calling her body fat. They are calling her gums fat. There's a big difference. FAT GUMS. Get a gum transplant (copyright: J.Foxx)!

And my thighs haven't jiggled since 2001, but I think that's a weed side-effect. At least that's what my doctor (aka dealer) tells me.

Image: Splash