If one of Brit Brit's Cheetolings was a girl, this would be them right now.
Most of you have already laughed, weeped and come up with a plan to spike the water system with birth control pills after watching the glorious mess that is Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her creator June the Hutt on Toddlers & Tiaras and every single talk show on television. Part of me wants a daughter just like Honey Boo-Boo Chile, because she's always crunked out of her mind (Like me!), loves money more than people (Like me!) and is a drag queen Jackee Harry trapped in a little girl's body (Like I wish to be!). The other part of me thinks that Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her mom June are a product of the government to promote human sterilization. What ever their deal is, they shared it on The Silver Fox Show (in an episode that airs tomorrow) and I don't think my nightmares will ever be the same again.
Mah Boo gave the moms of Toddlers & Tiaras a child beauty pageant queen makeover, so they know what their daughters feel like. Most of the moms look like any random trick on Slutoween, but June the Hutt took the cake and ate it. Just like June's parenting skills are lost somewhere in the crack of that sideways butt on her neck, my thoughts on this are completely lost too. It's just too much of a beautiful mess. I'd scream at Honey Boo-Boo Chile to turn around and stare into her future, but homegirl is too high to understand. But I do love that she's posing like my chola friend throwing a gang sign in her 7th grade yearbook picture.
Speaking of getting high, here's a clip of Mah Boo trying the "Go-Go Juice" that June the Hutt gives Honey Boo-Boo Chile to give her energy. It's basically the nectar of the white trash gods (Red Bull and Mountain Dew).
You can try Honey Boo-Boo Chile's Go-Go Juice for yourself in a few weeks when Walmart inevitably sells it in their baby section next to Toddler's First Eye Waxing Kit and strawberry-scented wig glue for kids.
When I look at this ad for Marc Jacobs' "Oh, Lola!" perfume, I see a 17-year-old Dakota Fanning giving a Leela from Futurama eye to the camera while squeezing a gigantic bottle full of enough stank to last several lifetime. But when the British Advertising Standards Authority look at this ad, they see a blonde prostitot throwing sexy eyes at the camera while holding a blooming vagine between her legs and they don't like this sucio shit. They have pulled our their pristine white gloves and shooed this ad all the way back to Baby Whoretown. The ad, which came out here in the land of Toddlers & Tiaras back in June, was banned forever and the ASA released this statement about it:
"We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative. We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence."
Well, damn. Since they put it like that. But I applaud Britain for banning this ad and only because it's a piece of shit picture that looks like it was taken on a first generation iPhone and printed out on a printer that was nearly out of ink. Throw that shit to the trash pile. And since Marc Jacobs will obviously need a replacement, might I suggest an of age bitch named Lola who really knows how to work a camera. I present, Lola of Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls fame.
That is how you do provocative! And full disclosure: I have no idea if that pug's name is Lola, but look at that room. Somebody that lives in that house is named Lola and I have a feeling we're looking at the ho.
1. Your choices as a parent might be questionable if you named your child Paisley. Tartan or Argyle I can deal with, but Paisley?!
2. Your choices as a parent are definitely questionable and you should probably resign as a mother to take up a full-time position as the creative director of PedoBear's Children's Theater when you push your kid in front of the Toddlers & Tiaras cameras dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Not even the classy Julia Roberts in the brown polka dot dress after she gets de-whored on Rodeo Blvd. But the pussy peddling Julia Roberts who picks Richard Gere up on Hollywood Blvd. What kind of crazy is running through that bitch's brain to think it's okay and cute to dress her little daughter as a straight-up hooker whore?!
I'm surprised this little prostitot didn't stop, pull a rainbow of condoms out of her boot and tell the audience that she's a safety girl. I don't know whether to laugh as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it, or to weep as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it. Allow me to quote Snobby Saleswoman #1 from Pretty Woman when I tell Paisley's parents: "You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!"
The thing is, what really offends me is that if you're going to hooker up your daughter by dressing her up as a prostitution whore, you could at least do it with the right wig. That wig is more Lady Caca than hooker Julia Roberts. How dreadful.
Last night in Toronto, the Illuminati after-school program flunky Taylor Momsen made Satan's minions throw each other awkward glances when she took to the stage at Pretty Reckless' show wearing a tank top from PedoBear's Pentagram collection. If you've ever wondered whose fan letter Charles Manson scribbled "RETURN TO SENDER" on, you now have your answer.
Taylor's fuck parts might worship Satan, but ho's ass worships pancakes (or is it the other way around?). This dumpster panda Lolita's ass is so damn flat that I want to pull out a projector and watch the Oscars on it tonight.
"I still wouldn't..." - Satan
At the MTV EMAs in Madrid last night, the hardest and edgiest toddler in the playpen continued to dress like a mid-range Craigslist "masseuse" with a serious Cherie Currie fetish and mysterious rash on her eyelid she covers up using black Halloween lipstick, markers from The Dollar General and ash from a smoking bin outside of a Holiday Inn Express.
You know, I can't fully throw a black cloud of shade over Taylor Momsen, because when I was 12 (or however old that trick is) I too had the choreographed posture of an angsty tween Igore and an "I HATE LIFE" scowlface you usually see on a morning-shift cashier at Hot Topic. It hurts to admit, but I was that! However, I don't remember slipping on a Victoria's Secret push-up bra and pulling my nipples so high that it made Chris Hansen's brows touch his hairline. I must've been fucked up on cooking wine and freon during that episode.
And speaking of hunchback creatures who look like they should be welcoming you into Frankenstein's castle (snatched from 30 Rock), Miley Cyrus was also at the EMAs last night and she performed one of her songs. And by performed, I mean she hollered and spazzed out like she's got a painful ingrown camel toe.
This panda knows what I'm talking about:
Here's Miley Cyrus trying to recreate the girl-on-girl Basic Instinct grind and doing her best "chola with the urges" face in her new video for some awful song called "Who Owns My Heart (SPOILER ALERT: Mickey Mouse does, still)." And seriously, Miley's "chola with the urges" face looks more like "beaver with the hard shits" face. But there's more important matters to discuss. Important matters that concern me.
After watching this video in its entirety, I can say with confidence that this sends the wrong message to our youth. Miley Cyrus is only 17-years-old in this video and not only does she have her own bathroom BUT she has a queen-sized bed in her bedroom too! THE FUCK? When I was 17, I was still writhing around like a horny worm on a twin bed! You will never learn the hardships of real life if you've never fallen off of a twin bed while trying to bring the sexy. And I had to wait for my sister to finish up in the bathroom before I could primp my shit for a night of R-Rated dry humping and booze guzzling in the church parking lot.
Do not show this to your chirruns or they'll start begging you for adult-sized beds and their own private bathroom.
That video of a then 16-year-old Miley Cyrus dry humping on a grown man has made its way onto the internet. TMZ posted the minute-long clip of the hillbilly filly freaking on 44-year-old Adam Shankman at the wrap party for The Last Song last year. The people who shot the video tell TMZ that they were offended by Miley's gay man grind.
Once upon a time, I was in junior high school and watched the kids go much harder than this at dances. You could practically smell burnt cherries and pubic hair in the cafeteria, because kids were grinding on each other so hard. Shit was so real that the teachers even posted a "No Grinding Allowed" sign at all school dances. So seeing Miley do the Dance of the Seven Hos isn't that escandaloso, but watching her do it with a grown ass man is kind of weird. Even if he is gay. If Chris Hansen didn't already give up on Miley's prostitot ways a long time ago, he would've popped up at this party for sure.
With all that being said, I'm more offended by their dance moves. I CAN'T. Adam Shankman gets paid to judge a dance competition and bitch looks like a gorilla trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on a chimp during an earthquake. And that lap dance on the banquet?! It looks more like a swarm of flies are attacking Miley's crotch and Adam is trying to swat them away. BOY STOP!
You might want to swallow that drink of moonshine before you keep reading, because this shit will make you choke on everything out of shock (no, it won't). Radar is saying that there's a tape going around of virginal Disney nun Miley Cyrus grinding on Adam Shankman at the wrap party for her movie The Last Song. Adam produced that wreck, and he also posted pictures on his Twitter a while ago of Miley giving him a fake lap dance.
Apparently, Miley and Adam were going so hard that several parents grabbed their children and headed for the exit. Radar explains:
The video, which RadarOnline.com has seen, shows Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.
Although Shankman is an openly gay man, sources tell RadarOnline.com that the dancing was “very inappropriate” and they fear that Cyrus, 17, is “heading down the same path as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.”
In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party sources tell RadarOnline.com.
This is the opposite of surprising. That's how Miley ALWAYS dances. Anybody who has seen ten seconds of any of her performances knows this.
And I really doubt Billy Ray wasn't there. Hell, he was probably the one videotaping it while Noah Cyrus clapped at her knee and shouted at Miley, "Put some stank on it like I taught ya, girl! Gititgititgitit!" Meanwhile, Tish was in the corner chewing the paint off a pillar. That's how those Cyruses do!
Here's The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa showing off her 8-month-old daughter Audriana in the pages of InTouch Weekly. We all know that Teresa is tackier than spitting after giving a blow job in a back alley, but this is not the look any way you cut it.
Audriana should not be dressed up like a chorus girl in the Moulin Rouge or like Miss Kitty on holiday. If she got up, slipped on a cigarette tray and started shouting "CIGARS! CIGARETTES," I wouldn't even blink twice. That is the opposite of right.