When The Queen of England met Lady CaCa at the Royal Variety Performance in Blackpool last night, she probably walked away wondering why anyone would waste a delicious box of Fruit Roll-Ups by wearing it. My thoughts exactly.
The much anticipated (not really) meeting between The Queen and The CaCa went down last night, and the former was on her best behavior. Lady CaCa made sure her tuck game was at a royal level, because even she didn't want her tiny soldier to pop out and salute The Queen. It's a known fact that her hermie peen thinks he's British and likes to act out scenes from Oliver Twist. It's a good thing that Lady CaCa checked him by covering him up with fruity preservatives.
Also at last night's performance was Bette Midler, Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Buble and Miley Cyrus. Leave it to Miley to make us Americans proud by baring her chipmunk chichis for royalty. Miley probably said to Elizabeth, "Ahs loooved you in that movie The Queen."
Miley Cyrus' 17th birthday isn't until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts' hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.
Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, "Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I'm not sure who was more into Constantine -- Miley or her mother." Where's the option for "all of the above"?
While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn't just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts' ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:
Billy Ray, you are excused!
Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.
Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."
See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.
Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus' voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.
In Miley's song "Party in the USA," she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley's answer? "Ah've nevah heard a Jay-Z song." She didn't write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn't listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin.....
And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.
In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she'll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.
VIA NY Mag's Vulture
When Miley Cyrus broke up with Twitter, hundreds of cities flooded from the gallons of tears coming out of the eyes of tweens everywhere. The world hasn't been the same. Tragic. And now the life of an innocent cat named Fuzzy may also end in tragedy. That's if you believe this website/Twitter account claiming that if Miley doesn't make a triumphant return to Twitter, Fuzzy will be chopped, sauteed and devoured. Yes, some loontardian is threatening to kill their cat over Miley Cyrus. I'll let them explain:
The other day I asked myself: 'What can I do to bring Miley back to Twitter?' Fan video? Petitions? Letters? That never works. Heck, Miley even made her own video about never wanting to use Twitter again. Then I looked at my cat, Fuzzy and I realized, maybe Fuzzy can help. Fuzzy can make the ultimate sacrifice for this cause. It was very difficult for me, you see, as I sincerely love Fuzzy. But my mind is made up. I could always get another cat, but nothing can replace Miley's tweets for me!
The idea is very simple. I've set a deadline of November 16, 2009, when Fuzzy will part with his life and become a meal. I do not consider myself a cruel person and I do love my cat. Fuzzy will receive quick and swift death and I'll try to minimize his suffering.
Let me clarify: This is NOT a prank or a hoax. I am not joking, even if some will choose to interpret it that way. Cooking a cat is not illegal in my country, in fact it's part of our culture. I'm not asking for money or any other benefit. Fuzzy is my cat and I will not entertain any offers of selling or giving him away. If Miley doesn't tweet again, this WILL happen, and I'm as serious as a heart attack.
I'm sure the average Miley superfan regularly cooks possums in their backyard on a barbecue made from a Piggly Wiggly shopping cart, but something in the milk ain't clean about this. This smells like viral marketing (which probably smells a lot like braised cat). I mean, first of all, some say the soon-to-be pussy eater is a tween chick, but the website makes it sound like the threats are coming from a dude. And I doubt a Miley fan would create a website using anything other than Angelfire. Hmmm....
This might be Balloon Boy 2: SAVE FUZZY! Seriously, Fuzzy is probably hiding in a cardboard box in the attic. This is what happens when Richard Heene and Billy Ray Cyrus join forces.
However, if this isn't a hoax or a stunt, the world needs to be shut down. I mean it this time. SHUT IT DOWN.
VIA Ocean Up
I know it was confirmed that recent Twitter drop-out Miley Cyrus was going to be in the next Sex and the City movie, but I didn't think they would actually go through it. Well, they have! Last night, Billy Ray's pet chipmunk shot scenes with Kim Cattrall and SJP at the Ziegfeld Theater in NYC.
SPOILER ALERT: The scenes obviously involves Samantha and Miley showing up to a movie premiere in the same exact outfit. This probably forces Samantha to run into the bathroom and make a gown out of toilet liners, maxi-pads and condom wrappers. Everything goes fine until Carrie just can't help herself and starts chewing on Samantha's dress. COMEDY!
Miley isn't the only one dropping in on the sequel. SATC2: Attack of the Dry Lady Parts also features cameos by Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand, Tim Gunn, and Penny Cruz.
Yesterday in NYC, Billy Ray Cyrus was whoring out Hellman's Mayonnaise during some event when Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly) asked him what he thought about Miley's pole dance on an ice cream cart at the Teen Choice Awards. Okay, why does it feel both inappropriate and appropriate for Billy Ray to be talking about his 16-year-old daughter working the pole while holding a big load of a creamy white substance in his hand? Billy makes it so so easy.
After Billy thought about it and made a mayo pie in his pants, he answered, "You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people. She loves singing [and] songwriting. I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion. I give my kids a lot of freedom to make the art they wanna make, and make it in their own voice. I think it's important."
Papa Joe, you better take care of this haggard possum (no relation to Kate Gosselin), because he is stealing your ACT! Billy Ray's pimp hand might be mightier than Papa Joe's. Take cover!
Yes, Miley, keep shaking those pork chops for the lord, because it entertains so many people. And by "so many people," I mean Billy Ray's NOT RIGHT areas.
And I'm sure that in 90 years, our children's great great grandchildren will walk into the Louvre in Paris and see a video of Miley's prostitot thrust right next to the Mona Lisa and Heidi Montag's Playboy cover. Billy Ray is so right. It's art.
Trace Cyrus isn't going to just lay around in his stall, chewing on carrots while nursing a broken heart. No, Trace is going to show that Demi Lovato chick that he is moving on. Last night in Hollywood, Trace galloped down the streets with a Demi look-alike he probably leased from Craigslist.
The two just couldn't resist their animal attraction towards each other, so they mouth fucked in front of the paps. While everyone who was witnessing lost all feeling in their genitals, the Demi wannabe lost her dignity. It's a fair trade!
And when Trace is finished doing Equus shit with that chick, he needs to immediately report to The Maury Povich Studios. I'm pretty sure that Trace's true parents are Jesse Camp and Flicka. The truth must be revealed!
And I bet you didn't know she had more than one! Seriously, Disney is the wrongest wrong of all the wrongs. Chris Hansen needs them to put down that iced tea and have a seat....
In future news, Hannah Montana's red cherries have sold out! The entire stock was bought by a man named Mark McLeod-Cyrus.
At last night's Teen Choice Awards, the Princess of Prostitots showed all the little kiddies how the Cyrus' do it by working a pole on top of an ice cream cart. Yes, a pole on an ice cream cart. Thank you, Miley, for giving PedoBear a brilliant business idea. PedoBear's "Shake It For a Cone" ice cream cart coming soon! Don't got any coins for an ice cream treat? That's ok! Just get up on that pole and do it Cyrus-style! Seriously, God, it's okay if you want to push that red button already. I think we've seen it all here. Or have we.....?
Last week, I posted some pictures of Miley's 9-year-old sister Noah posing around a pole at some party, Well, there's video! Here's Noah and her friends swinging around a pole while grown-men watch. I. CAN'T. I. CANNOT. Okay, that button needs to be pressed NOW!
And why would I not be surprised if Rhode Island's Cheaters Strip Club sent out a recruiter to the Cyrus family home?
Here's some pictures from last night of Miley, Billy Ray, Noah and her friends. I didn't know Noah was a Ramones fan! I can't wait for her cover of "The KKK Took My Baby Away."