Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is still trying to gnaw off the chains put on her by the pimps at Disney and here's her latest kick to Mickey Mouse's culo. Miley is not only giving me shades of Brit Brit on the cover for her single "Can't Be Tamed," but she's also giving me two different shades of skin tone! The face is white cheddar Cheetos and her stomach is regular. Couldn't Mimi's airbrusher also sprayed Miley's face after he finished giving her trompe l'oeil abs?

And if this is making you a little uncomfortable, just squint your eyes and pretend it's Billy Ray after getting lipo and ab implants. You know Miley borrowed that outfit from him. Truth.

My abuelita had this cockatoo named Michi who woke everyone up in the morning with his loud ass squawking, tried to bite your hand any chance he got and pooped more than a baby on laxatives. Well, Miley Cyrus' new video reminds me of Michi's annoying ass. Throw a blanket over this or accidentally leave the cage door open when abuelita isn't looking!

This is 17-year-old Miley Cyrus' video for "Can't Be Tamed" which features her as some kind of crow beaver chicken creature humping on a bunch of birds in the middle of a museum. Pedo bird orgy alert. THE FUCK is right.

Noah Cyrus probably thought up this mess after downing a dozen Red Bulls in a row while watching Jessica Wild do the sessy chicken dance on RuPaul's Drag Race:

This video is about as sexy as two pigeons pecking each other to death over a crusty biscuit lying in the gutter. And come to think of it, the song alone sounds like two pigeons pecking each other to death.

Gif via Vh1

Your eardrums worse enemy Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth had their big premiere for their movie The Last Song in Hollywood last night, and her entire family grabbed a jug of moonshine, jumped in the wagon, whipped at Trace to step on it and hoofed on over there to cheer on their lil' eager beaver!

It was all hillbilly hunky dory until Trace chewed on one of the posters and Tish pulled her top down to rub her berries all over Liam's back. Luckily, Noah Cyrus was there to draw the focus off of them by posing in her Shirley Temple "Jump Off The Ship Lollipop" ensemble.

And you thought you were the only one who bled from all of your face holes while watching the animal slaughter known as American Idol. Well, you're not alone. During last night's show, the camera cut to two bloody girls in the audience. Simon got jealous, because he wishes his ears would literally bleed when he says, "My ears are bloody bleeding!"

The truth is, the girls were friends of that Siobhan chick and they did themselves up as zombies to support her. You know, it's just like the time your friend's dressed up like cheap whores to support you in court. Yeah, like that. And it's fitting that Siobhan's friends would dress up like zombies since her high-pitched "mid-pubescent red fox getting castrated with a butter knife" screech forces dead bodies to jump from their graves and throw themselves into the nearest fire.

And if for some reason you too want to look like a zombie today, just watch Miley Cyrus' performance on Idol. Your skin will crack and you'll turn grey from choking yourself. However, if you suffer through the pain, your boss will probably send you home early! #brightside

(Image via The Daily Wha.at)

Miley Cyrus thinks that instead of reading this post on the internet you should be outside chewing a block of wood down at the dam and enjoying real-life! Miley used to be the Queen Twatter of Twitter, but she left all of that behind and has realized that her life is better now that her eyeballs (and other parts) aren't glued to the Internet all day long.

In an interview with Movieline, Miley talked about the dangers of the internet and how tweens are living their lives through Facebook. WARNING: Some of what Miley farts about might make sense to you. If you don't want to know what the feels like, stop reading now and go chew a block of wood instead.

Miley on Twatting: “I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing. I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing. So I was that person who was like, ‘I’m so sad. I have no real, normal life, everyone knows what I’m doing.’ And I’m like, well that’s my own fault because I’m telling everyone. And then I’d tweet, ‘I’m here,’ and I’d wonder why a thousand fans are outside the restaurant. Well, hello, I just told them. So I’m just, like, kind of thinking doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Everything I’m saying is not really going with what I’m putting on the internet."

Miley on how lame the Internet is: “I’m a lot less on my phone, I’m a little bit more social. I have a lot more real friends as opposed to friends who are on the internet who I’m talking to — which is like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real. I think everything is just better when you’re not so wrapped up in [the internet]. I just think it’s kind of lame. I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

Miley on how the Internet can murder your childhood: “I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Meanwhile, Noah Cyrus just uploaded a video of herself dancing around in a ruffled bikini to Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me."

So I'm watching Gaycrest interview an awkward Miley Cyrus (who looked like she was trying to suck in her stomach WHILE holding a fresh fart at the same time) when all of a sudden Trish Cyrus comes galloping onscreen as though someone just yelled "LAST PEEN" at the cougar convention!

Trish looks like she won fourth place in a Shauna Sand look-alike contest at a Hooters in Texas and drowned her sorrows in cheap whiskey and cheap dick before she passed out face first in a urinal. Basically, she looks like perfection. Everybody can free their bodies of Spanx and go home now.

Nothing gently soothes your Monday hangover quite like the face of an adorable puppeh fwend. Just ignore that girl carrying him. I'm sure puppeh is too. And I'm also sure puppy took a good look at Miley's other furry accessory and figured that's what his future looked like. Don't let that happen, puppy! Aim for the froat!

The last time we left Joaquin Phoenix, he was looking like something you might find stuck on one of the Kardashian's used waxing strips. And he was also doing that "rapping as performance art" thing. This was a few months ago. Well, Joaquin took a long Calgon bath and danced a beautiful dance with a BIC. Joaquin is now back to looking like the dude you used to flick your genitals to while watching Ladder 94.

Joaquin joined Liv Tyler and Noah Cyrus' less famous sister in a promo for To Write Love on Her Arms, a suicide prevention organization.

It's nice to see hot Joaquin again, but I'm not sure it was a good idea pairing him with Miley Cyrus. Miley's voice makes all of us want to crawl under a bridge and live there for the rest of our days.

via UsWeekly

9-year-old Noah Cyrus has jumped off the pole and is now entertaining adults backstage her sister's show by smacking her ass to Akon's "SMACK THAT." Somebody needs to SMACK THAT child's parents in the mouth. And why are all those grown ass people clapping instead of calling Child Protective Services or a dentist. Actually, since they are in that circle they should have joined hands and tried to exorcise the Cyrus gene out of that child. I rebuke thee, Cyrus gene!

With that being said, I think I'll go sit in the corner now, because I just remembered that I was slithering on the floor to "Burning Up" when I was 9. I am your future, Noah! If that doesn't make her join a nunnery, I don't know what will.

via Ocean Up (Thanks Joseph)

I'm sure that one of Miley Cyrus' life-long dreams is to take a ride on the Rock of Love Bus, but since Vh1 has invested in one of those fake ID scanners, she'll have to wait another year to fulfill her dream. In the meantime, Miley will show her love for Poison by covering the sad truck stop stripper anthem "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Miley's singing voice is like a thorn in my ear, so I guess this makes sense.

Miley's mama je'e, Trish, explained to People as to why her daughter decided to cover that shit, " 'Every Rose' is one of her all-time favorite songs and she is really excited about cutting it."

Cutting it?! I couldn't have said it better myself, ole' Trish!

Miley already cut the cover in NYC, and Bret Michaels says that he may spread his guitar magic all over the track.

If DJ Lady Tribe hasn't been captured by the makers of Zovirax for testing, I hope she makes a cameo in the video for this mess. DJ Lady Tribe, Bret Michaels and Miley Cyrus really are The Three Kings of 2009.