Miley Cyrus

Maybe it's because her make-up artist shoved her face into a sink full of lead based bronzer or the fact that AntiDuckFace.com is advertised all over her mouth, but this picture of Miley Cyrus in NYC today is giving me a serious Squeak moment.

It's as if Snooki got Khloe Kardashian's face awkwardly transplanted over hers by a bottom basement plastic surgeon who used liquid nails instead of stitches, which is why her mug swelled the fuck up.

That being said, Miley's eye make-up reminds me of my 8th grade cholita friend who said she was "bringing the 5 flavors of the orient to her eyes" (don't ask me where she pulled that phrase from) when she added a subtle tip to the ends with black liner. Because of that, Miley's busted down make-up job works for me!

Grease up my face with petro jelly from The Dollar Tree and stick razors in my hair, because Miley Cyrus has gone too far this time. If she wants to go around looking like a slutty crow who will suck a fat flea off a dead pigeon, then that's a fight for the slutty crows out there. It's not my fight. But here she is at last night's MuchMusic Awards in Toronto looking like the suburban white girl who will do whatever it takes to be embraced by the exquisite cholitas in her hood. Even if it means thrusting her crotch in a makeshift strip club in someone's garage in order to raise bail money for their homeboy Chepe. This is like a drive-by-shooting to my SOUL! A black tattooed tear just appeared below my left eye.

I have a feeling that Miley tried to finish this look by kissing her brows with a Sharpie, but it was a impossible task because every Sharpie got a serious case of cotton mouth when she touched it. They were not going to be a part of this fuckery. The only gang sign I've got for this bitch involves my middle finger.

And if that wasn't hurtful enough, here's La Beaver Girl's wannabe cholita look in action. Miley moves around like a roach after getting sprayed with RAID. Just stomp on it with your chankla next time.

Seriously, I feel like I've just been jumped. My ear is bleeding like someone just pulled out my gold hoop earrings. And my eyes are swole like someone just punched me with a fist full of gold rings they stole from their abuelita's jooree box.

And I don't even know what to say about that mummy hooker leotard she wore in the pictures below. That mess is so tight that you can see her hymen (yes, that was a trick statement).

Miley Cyrus recently got a prison tattoo on her ear that reads "LOVE" and today she told E! News the meaning behind it. Miley's explanation made my ears vomit massive amounts of cheese. Yes, I've already made an appointment at the free clinic to get that checked out. Miley said:

"There's so much negativity in the world and what you only need to hear is all the love. People try to say to me, ‘I just heard someone say this or that about you,' and I just ignore it because it's irrelevant. Love is what makes the world go around, and that's all we need to focus on."

You know, Miley's tattoo is cheesier than a Hallmark card, an Air Supply song and a very special episode of Full House all mixed together in a fondue pot, but she's got the idea. This weekend, I'm going to follow her lead and get ABMCV (Anything But Miley Cyrus' Voice) tattooed on my ear and the word BOOZE tattooed on my tongue.

Even that puppy (who might be under Maryann Forrester's spell) can't save this truly shitty cover of Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Miley Cyrus. Usually when I need to get through a Miley Cyrus song, I just picture a 50-something Waffle House waitress in Georgia (aka Miley in 40 years), sitting on a crate in the back alley during her lunch break and singing this mess in between puffs from her 40th cigarette of the day. That glamorous vision usually holds my hand through shit like this, but not this time. This mess sounds like the Casio keyboard of my childhood (with 75 "awesome sound effects") violently barfed all over it.

Bret Michaels, please keep your bandanna-weave safely over your ears, because I don't think you can take this.

via Jezebel (Dedicated to Snowpiece)

No, this is 17-year-old Miley Cyrus letting her inner Lindsay Lohan hang out at London's G-A-Y club last night. It's confirmed. Billy Ray and Noah are Miley's co-stylists.

This hillbilly possumling looks like the former member of a semi-successful early 90s R&B girl group who has fallen on hard times and is now trading handjobs for food stamps behind a bowling alley somewhere in Central Florida while wearing her old stage clothes. Yes, Jade's "Don't Walk Away" did play in my head while looking at this mess.

Usually, I'd give three snaps in z formation for this kind of look, but Miley doesn't have the shit to pull it off. Billy Ray and Noah better keep digging through Zelma Davis' old laundry and try again.

And yes, Miley once again fake kissed (see thumbnail #5) her dancer. Or maybe that's a fake motorboat? Or a fake chin suck? Who cares, I'm going to focus on world peace instead.

Attention whore Miley Cyrus got attention for fake kissing another chick on Britain's Got Talent the other night, and now she's pretending to be mad about it. Yes, this is one of those "DON'T LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME!" moments. Miley spat up on her blog (via ONTD) last night and said that everyone needs to focus on more important things like world peace. Like such as.

Miley is a 17-year-old window licker whose mom was most likely high on glue and swamp water during pregnancy, but she is absolutely right! The world needs more peace, which is why she should lead the way by getting her jaw permanently wired shut and retiring to the dam from which she came from.

And while we're waiting for that to happen, here's Miley in London yesterday giving the lot lizards of the south a preview of what they will be wearing this fall.

When I first read the headline "Miley Cyrus Does Girl-On-Girl Dancer Kiss On Britain's Got Talent," I pictured PedoBear putting up a DO NOT DISTURB sign on his cave door so that he could stick his bits into a jar of honey while watching this in peace. Three minutes later, Billy Ray Cyrus strolls up, gives the secret knock and PedoBear lets him in.

But that image was Magic Erased from my head after I watched the actual video of Miley pretending to mouth fuck one of her dancers. What the hell kind of goddamn fake lesbo kiss is that?! Mickey Mouse is so disappointed. One of his hos let him down.

It's at the 1:05 mark. Warning: Turn the sound off or suffocate your speakers with a fat pillow before pressing play:

That looked more like a cross-eyed lame crow with mange picking the maggots off a dead rotting pigeon near the interstate. Besides, fauxmosexual onstage kisses don't get stamped with the HOW SHOCKING label anymore. If Miley truly wanted to surprise hos, she should try emoting a sound that doesn't make people wish they didn't have ears. And a paraplegic pony could stomp around better than that.

So here's Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus pointing at a jellyfish in Mexico and trying to figure out how it will taste if they stuff if it into an armadillo and roast it on a barbecue made from a wheel barrow. And while they're focusing on that, I'm focusing on the B.U.M. Equipment tank top that is clinging on to Billy Ray's titty nipples. B.U.M. fucking Equipment!

I haven't seen a B.U.M. tank top since I wiped my forehead with one after choreographing a dance to a Mint Condition song in my mom's garage (SPOILER ALERT: That was last month). You know Billy Ray's got a pair of British Knights chanklas and a cock ring made out of snap bracelets. Bitch is the sharpest dressed possum at the ho down.

That video of a then 16-year-old Miley Cyrus dry humping on a grown man has made its way onto the internet. TMZ posted the minute-long clip of the hillbilly filly freaking on 44-year-old Adam Shankman at the wrap party for The Last Song last year. The people who shot the video tell TMZ that they were offended by Miley's gay man grind.

Once upon a time, I was in junior high school and watched the kids go much harder than this at dances. You could practically smell burnt cherries and pubic hair in the cafeteria, because kids were grinding on each other so hard. Shit was so real that the teachers even posted a "No Grinding Allowed" sign at all school dances. So seeing Miley do the Dance of the Seven Hos isn't that escandaloso, but watching her do it with a grown ass man is kind of weird. Even if he is gay. If Chris Hansen didn't already give up on Miley's prostitot ways a long time ago, he would've popped up at this party for sure.

With all that being said, I'm more offended by their dance moves. I CAN'T. Adam Shankman gets paid to judge a dance competition and bitch looks like a gorilla trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on a chimp during an earthquake. And that lap dance on the banquet?! It looks more like a swarm of flies are attacking Miley's crotch and Adam is trying to swat them away. BOY STOP!

You might want to swallow that drink of moonshine before you keep reading, because this shit will make you choke on everything out of shock (no, it won't). Radar is saying that there's a tape going around of virginal Disney nun Miley Cyrus grinding on Adam Shankman at the wrap party for her movie The Last Song. Adam produced that wreck, and he also posted pictures on his Twitter a while ago of Miley giving him a fake lap dance.

Apparently, Miley and Adam were going so hard that several parents grabbed their children and headed for the exit. Radar explains:

The video, which RadarOnline.com has seen, shows Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.

Although Shankman is an openly gay man, sources tell RadarOnline.com that the dancing was “very inappropriate” and they fear that Cyrus, 17, is “heading down the same path as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.”

In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party sources tell RadarOnline.com.

This is the opposite of surprising. That's how Miley ALWAYS dances. Anybody who has seen ten seconds of any of her performances knows this.

And I really doubt Billy Ray wasn't there. Hell, he was probably the one videotaping it while Noah Cyrus clapped at her knee and shouted at Miley, "Put some stank on it like I taught ya, girl! Gititgititgitit!" Meanwhile, Tish was in the corner chewing the paint off a pillar. That's how those Cyruses do!