If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.
Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.
And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).
The spirit of a 2-pack-a-day-smoking Piggly Wiggly cashier named Earline Dawn trapped in the body of a 19-year-old trailer park chipmunk named Miley Cyrus was making her way to a helicopter in Costa Rica the other day when a few of her fans stopped her to ask for a picture. Miley posed for one picture and then walked away even though her fans wanted more. The rest of the priceless conversation went like this:
Miley: Babe, babe, I gotta go, honey.
Miley: What da fuck?! Are you fur rill?
Oh, Miley Cyrus fan, I was about to call you a puta estúpida for asking Miley for a picture, but then my hate turned to love when you called her an asshole. You're my Costa Rican hero today.
Somewhere up in a smoke room in heaven, Bob Marley is toking with the angels to burn away the memory of Miley Cyrus blowing out her 19 birthday candles on a cake with his face on it. The Daily posted this video from Miley's birthday party last weekend of her telling her friends that "you know you’re a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake — you know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed.” Kelly Osbourne, who's in the video and makes a salvia joke, immediately jumped onto her Twatter after this video came out to defend Marijuana Montana:
let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also
A JOKE! it makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called 'friends' would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!
u guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possible do all that if she was a stoner! #think
If I was Miley Cyrus and had a dad who always gets caught fucking a box of Corn Pops in the family kitchen and a brother who always kicks me in the knees when I walk up behind him, I'd have a vaporizer permanently attached to my breathing holes. But Miley needs to keep her weed smoking ways to herself before she really ruins it for everyone. When Miley got caught smoking "salvia," prudish bitches called for a ban on it. So now thanks to this video, those same prudish bitches will fight the legalization of the good shit. They'll tell parents everywhere that if their snowflakes smoke weed, they'll brains will turn to molasses and their vocal cords will turn into a scratching post just like Miley! But Miley's not like that because she hits the bong. Miley's like that because Billy Ray took that extra swig of moonshine while conceiving her in the back alley of a Friendly's.
Miley really does ruin everything.
Meanwhile in Lima, Peru, Miley Cyrus beat out "Courtney Love fartgasming" as the worst thing Kurt Cobain has ever heard with her version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." This mess is going to make Kurt commit suicide AGAIN and will definitely be the catalyst for Courtney Love sticking a dirty heroin needle directly into her ear drums. Not only is this the equivalent of Billy Ray Cyrus trying to eff you in the ear hole with his flaccid peen, but it will also leave your eyes as crossed as Tish's. THOSE MOVES! Many a farmhand have witnessed Trace Cyrus busting out those same moves while trying to shake a stone out of his hoof. Leave the hoof shaking to the professional ponies, Miley!
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus' heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray's marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray's mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn't be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:
"I've dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they've ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we're the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you're strapped to a rocket."
I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. "I feel like I got my Miley back!" Cut to Miley's business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray's floor board. "Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family!" Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray's fanny pack.
I don't blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.
Last week, The Dirty posted a short clip of a possibly pre-rehab Demi Lovato showing us why she was named Disney University's champion coke snorter. The clip was quickly yanked down the fun killers at YouTube and nothing has been heard of it since. Today, Radar delivered a blind-ish item that may or may not be about this supposed Demi Lovato coke snorting video. Their source says that it makes Miley Cyrus' cinematic skip into the bong hole seem like it was sponsored by ABC Family (which it probably was). From Radar:
In the clip, a young brunette wearing a pink tank top and a black and white cardigan is seen sitting at a table lined with mounds of cocaine and rolled up $100 bills used for snorting.
"There is more than one famous person in the footage," the source told RadarOnline.com.
Also appearing in the footage with her is a blonde girl and two young men, who at one point joke about using a one dollar bill rather than a hundred to snort a line. "Look how fucking high I am...I'm going to snort out of a fucking one!" one of the anonymous guys said.
"Please don't do it," the other guy said back, laughing." You know how many n***ers have put their hands on that shit?!"
In the video, the table is littered with martini and shot glasses, among the countless lines of cocaine -- which the party-goers both snort and swipe their fingers through.
Take that scene, now drop in Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, Demi Lovato, Zac Efron in a brunette wig, Noah Cyrus, Joe Jonas or anybody else who's ever been blessed by the hand of Mickey and it would make sense. When you sign your name with virgin blood on a Disney contract, they hand you an orientation package that includes a Disney dollar coke straw, a "How to pose nekkid for your cell phone camera" tutorial taught by Daisy Duck and a morning after pill shaped like mouse ears. So it could be any one of them!
But Selena Gomez is not included that list, because she's got Justin Bieber sitting on her lap and Child Protective Services would snatch him away if they find out she's under the influence while babysitting him. Justin's diaper is filled with dollar signs, so Pedolena isn't going to chance it.
Miley Cyrus and her mama je'e Tish Cyrus were leaving the California Chicken Cafe yesterday when a paparazzo nearly smacked the former in the head with his camera. If this pap did this to Billy Ray's mullet, Miley probably would've slow clapped and threw some dollar bills at the ho. But since he did it to her mom, she puffed her veneers and gave that dude a face full of her rage. Miley threatened to sing live into his ear hole or chew his lens off if he did it again. The beavers of Tennessee have that dude's name on their tails and they're watching. Fuck with Tish and feel their wrath.
Reading the ingredients on a bottle of Wite-Out is more exciting than this piece of non-news, but let's do this anyway. Hollywood Life says Miley Cyrus and Jared Followill of Kings of Leon have been texting each other ever since they met at the EMAs last November. Miley is trying to keep Jared interested by not becoming a full blown barebacking sext slut just yet. And Jared keeps texting Miley back, because he's hoping to fulfill his fantasy of bumping on a creature who talks dirty to him in an itchy scratch voice. Yes, Jared is the one who gets the Freddy Krueger soundboard to say: "Eat this pussy, bitch."
A friend of Jared's tells HL, “Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending. He’s such a fan, in fact, he’s been bragging to his friends about her texts! “Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”
We can all smell the duck saliva from here, so they should just fast-forward to the inevitable already. Miley will eventually send him a picture of her flashing undertit while making a duckface. Jared will then leak it to The National Enquirer for a little extra pomade money, and they'll publish it with the text: "MILEY REALLY CAN'T BE TAMED." On Walter Mercado's birthday, we're all future tellers.
And now for my "GET OFF MY LAWN" moment. All these stories about hos spending hours texting each other got me thinking about the old days. I remember when we didn't have the luxury of texting at our leisure for hours on end. We had to work for our conversations. Kids today just don't know how hard we had it. I nearly burned my ear off from talking for hours about nothing to my friend while my sister screamed at me for the phone and my mom used the operator to interrupt my call. Oh shit, remember the classic emergency operator interruption? You knew your ass was in trouble when your mom pulled that shit.
I wish I remember the last emergency interruption my mom made so that I could put it in my memory box. I'd put it right next to the memory of me calling my mom collect from a payphone and telling the operator that my name was "Michael Sears." That way my mom knew to pick me up in front of the Sears at the mall.
The spoiled brats of today need to know that if it wasn't for us wasting the operator's time with our stupid tricks, cell phones and call waiting would never exist!
On last night's SNL, Miley Cyrus dragged it up to play Justin Bieber on The Miley Cyrus Show. Yes, this is the reason why the malls are empty, the movie theaters are bare and not one tween screech be heard on the streets. Millions of tweens are in the corner of their closets shaking and crying because their hormones are in a state of paralyzed confusion right now. They don't know whether they want to hump a pillow, come out to their parents or send a death Tweet to a fake Miley Cyrus Twitter account. Clip below:
But really, even though Miley's got Justin's Canadian gangster moves down, bitch looks nothing like him! They should've put a baby mask over her face instead of letting her go out with a Kardashian load of face paint. The Lesbeaver isn't Zac Efron! Ho looks like a butch Chipette or like a beaver dressed up as Mrs. Brady. I just hope Justin Bieber doesn't drop Pedolenza Gomez to date Miley Cyrus as Justin Bieber. That would be some "yodel for the four horsemen" shit.
And if you need more of Miley on SNL, all the clips are here. Maybe it's because hangovers make me vulnerable, but I thought the show wasn't totally terrible! Miley is as irritating as an ingrown pubic hair, but the bitch sort of pulled it off.