Billy Ray Cyrus is about to throw all of his fresh-out-of-prison cousins, sewed-off rifles, coonhounds and knives made out of possum claws into the back of his pick-up truck and drive it all the way Atlanta so he can handle Liam Hemsworth for hurting his daughter's hillbilly heart. Because Radar says that at a party in Hollywood last week, Liam was "canoodling" and whispering into the ear of some hot blonde. Miley Cyrus wasn't around.
The witness says that Liam showed up to the party early and spent most of the night talking to the hot blonde in the back of the tent. Maybe Liam just wanted to remind himself what it's like to talk to a chick who doesn't sound like Harvey Fierstein hawking a loogie. The witness type said this:
“Liam was in the corner of the back tent with a blonde and they were getting very cozy. It definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly. His friend/handler was trying to keep people away and allow Liam and his 'friend' some privacy, but Liam didn’t seem to be that worried about it.”
Wait, wait... A hot blonde who makes grown men giggle themselves into a coma? That wasn't Liam's lady side piece. That was his brother THOR!
That dumb bitch of an eyewitness! I bet the eyewitness also said that when the hot blonde flipped her mane, every light bulb burst and she sort of smelt like Strawberry Suave shampoo. Yeah, it was THOR, not some average slut. Pull your cousins out of the pick-up, Billy Ray. It was a false cheater alarm.
Miley Cyrus wasn't home early this morning, but somebody staying at her house (aka Billy Ray Cyrus who was just there to color coordinate her panties in her panty drawer and was totally not there to sniff them or anything) called the police after a bald, crazed crazy with scissors in his hand jumped over her wall. Only a crazy bitch with insanity flowing through his brains would jump over Miley's wall, because you don't know what could be waiting for you on the other side.
Trace Cyrus could be there, waiting to charge at you, kick you in the gut with his sharpened hoove or eat your clothes. Noah Cyrus could be there, waiting to show you the pole dancing routine she's been practicing all day. Tish Cyrus could be there, waiting to freak you out with her droopy anime horse eyes. Or Billy Ray could be there, waiting to shoot you with his sawed-off shot gun before roasting you on his shopping cart grill. Basically, a bad scene will be waiting for you if you hop over Miley's wall.
Radar says that the cops arrived at around 4:45 this morning and put 40-year-old Jason Luis Rivera in handcuffs. Jason Luis Rivera, who sort of looks like a Latino Uncle Fester, told the cops that Miley is his wife and that they've been friends for five years. Anybody who proudly admits that Miley is their friend should get tasered, so the cops tasered his ass. Miley's stalker had a pair of scissors in his hand at the time.
That crazy bitch shouldn't have broken out of his padded room at the mental hospital and he shouldn't have stolen those scissors off the nurse's station. Because sadly, there's nothing he can do to save Miley's tragic ass cockatoo haircut. It's beyond help.
As UsWeekly pointed out last night, Miley Cyrus showed up to the VMAs last night with Pink's signature butch bitch mohawk on her head. Pink clearly has this, because she's had a white cockatoo on the top of her dome for what feels like years and she really went hardcore by wearing a hair clip that looks parking lot spikes. Don't back up! Miley clearly doesn't have this, because (maybe it's the lighting) but that Jedward mop is almost the exact shade of an old urinal cake and it makes her look a Top Chef reject (because you know, they only accept a certain number of blond mohawks every season).
Yes, Miley looks like if Mad Max took place on top of Honey Boo Boo's dumpster boutique, but she can easily save this look. All she has to do is get a nose-to-ear chain and add a long fall of microbraids to the back of her heard. The world of glamour just hasn't been the same since Jane Child disappeared and Miley's hillbilly chipmunk ass can feel that void.
And since I have other highly important CNN-worthy news stories to get to today, I'm just going throw up a bunch of pictures from last night. Here those bitches are:
Taylor Swift looking like an American Girl doll as a pharmaceutical sales rep (Pro tip of the day: Do not watch Taylor's high school musical theater performance. Watch Bye, Bye Birdie instead).
Emma Watson serving up some Scooby Snack realness. It's like something you'd see on Project Runway if the designers had to make a dress out of old Scooby Doo Gang costumes.
Jessica Szohr looking like a miniaturized and deflated Big Ang.
Amber Roast and Wiz Khalifa told anybody with a mic that she's knocked up. They said it on the red carpet and then he said it on stage. It was annoying when Beyonce did it last year and it was extra annoying when these two bitches did it last night. I guarantee you that if Amber and Wiz announced she's pregnant in an empty Piggy Wiggly parking lot, they'd get the same reaction they got while announcing it to millions of people last night.
And here's the rest: Zoe Saldana, Alicia Keys, Green Day, One Direction and Katy Perry.
Okay, maybe just a few comments. I don't know if Miley Cyrus's new Justin Bieber-like reverse mullet makes her look like a chipmunkized Dennis the Menace looking to get into some mischief or makes her look like the most annoying Slytherin ever. The good news is that Miley donated all her chopped off hair to a cancer charity, so sometime soon someone will have a wig that will instantly get them stoned just by sniffing on it real quick.
If you drive up to heaven's gourmet emporium on earth In-N-Out to collect a delicious beef orgasm between two buns and you tell the cashier that you have zero dollars to pay for it, they will let the scent of that Double-Double gently hump your nostrils before they yank that food away and tell your broke ass to lick on some used burger wrappers in the dumpster out back. That shit ain't a food bank. That's what should've happened to Miley Cyrus' multi-millionaire ass when she drove up to an In-N-Out drive-thru window in her fancy Mercedes convertible and gave the acting performance of her life by pretending she forgot to bring her credit card. Splash say that the In-N-Out cashier fell for Miley's hillbilly swindle and just gave her the food for free. THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. So if you want a complimentary Double-Double just follow these 2 easy steps:
1. Be Miley Cyrus.
2. Pretend like you can't pay for it even though you've got a $100,000 diamond ring on your finger and are driving a car that costs more than 30,000 Double-Doubles.
This HIGHLY important news story is HIGHLY important to us slaves of the Double-Double, because the next time I want to some In-N-Out deliciousness for free, I'm going to show them this post. The cashier will probably tell me that he'd give it to me for free if I came out of Tish Cyrus' cooter hole and can call Billy Ray Cyrus my "pappy." He'd have a point. Because I'd rather pay for my own Double-Double than go through life having Billy Ray Cyrus stare at my chest while I sun by the concrete pond out back.
The worst part is that hillbilly chipmunks shouldn't even eat cheeseburgers. I hate her and I hope there was a used condom in that Double-Double.
Pull out the special occasion shopping cart grill (aka the vintage one from Target and not the rusty Piggly Wiggly one), plump up the possums caught in the cage trap last night and stock up on Twinkies (the Twinkies are the penises of pastries) from the Hostess outlet to make a four-tier wedding cake, because the chipmunk princess of the Cyrus clan is getting hitched Gale from The Hunger Games and Thor's brother. As my hair icon Memaw Cyrus poured hillbilly champagne (aka moonshine mixed with Mountain Lightning) into the family's Solo cups (not because they were celebrating, but because that's just what they drink with supper), Miley Ray Cyrus told People that at 19 years old, she's about to become somebody's wife.
"I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam," Cyrus, 19, tells PEOPLE.
Australian actor Hemsworth, 22, who met Cyrus when they costarred in The Last Song in 2009, proposed on May 31 with a 3.5-carat diamond ring from jeweler Neil Lane.
Liam Hemsworth is close to becoming a huge movie star so I'm not sure why he would sign up to spending every Christmas watching Noah Cyrus spin around on a candy cane stripper pole in the rec room to "Santa Baby" while Trace Cyrus nibbles on the tree in the corner. Doesn't Liam know that on his wedding night, Billy Ray is going to take him into the dark part of the barn to brand one of his ass cheeks with the Cyrus family crest (the mudflap girl breastfeeding a raccoon in front of the Nascar logo)? Why would he do this? Either we should be celebrating this engagement with a sawed off shotgun salute or Liam is just marrying Miley to get closer to the real beauty of the family: Memaw Cyrus. It has to be the latter.
Dressed like a nurse practitioner in a porn movie, Miley Cyrus went to the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas last night and made it perfectly clear that her chipmunk chichis can't be tamed. While I appreciate it when a ho leaves her shirt and pants at home, Miley can't pull off the "70s cougar at a swingers party" look. That big mop on her big head looks like a cross between The Rachel on paint fumes and Barbarella. The under titty chain does give off an elegant "dripping with class" vibe, but it's still not enough to save any of this. Bitch looks like Bugs Bunny's inbred second cousin in drag as Jane Fonda. Leave the "blazer with no top" look to Amanda Woodward, Miley!
If you really wanted to spend your Monday afternoon rinsing your retinas out with sequined fugness, skip through all the pictures of bitches looking a mess last night. In order: Dr. Slow Bunny McTitChain, the bain of Siri's existence, Nelly Furtado, Wiz Khalifa with Amber Rose, Brandy (giving us Muppet Diana Ross), Alicia Keys with Swizz Beak, Usher, Lisa Marie Presley with lesbian Tom Petty, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwears with her husband, Robin Thicke (who must have sores on his pits), Natasha Bedingfield, that Call Me Maybe girl and The Lesbeaver.
The Cyrus family carport might soon be filled with a lavish spread fit for a hillbilly teen bride including a moonshine fountain, a three-tier dick cake, plastic red Solo champagne flutes, a Taco Wedding Party Pack, Dr. Pepper-glazed roasted possum, squirrel kabobs and pigs in a blanket (actual pigs in an actual blanket). Because the other day, Miley Cyrus started up the hitchin' rumors by Tweeting a picture of her wearing some Cracker Jack ass ring while showing off her jaundiced-looking yeast infection nails. Then last night in Phoenix, Miley wore the same ring on that finger while out with her piece Liam Hemsworth at Muhammad Ali's Celebrity Fight Night XVVIII in Phoenix.
That isn't an engagement ring, that shit is a LOOK AT ME, Y'ALL ring. First of all, Liam doesn't have bites and scratches on his face that tell us he just topless wrestled the Cyrus family's prized pig in the abandoned field behind a Piggly Wiggly to win Miley's hand in marriage. Second of all, Miley cares about Cyrus family traditions and if she was getting married she'd wear a ring that was passed down from generation to generation. And that ring doesn't look like the band part of a Ring Pop with a Vaseline-covered pond rock on top of it, so it's obviously not a Cyrus family heirloom. Nope not, engaged. Billy Ray still has a chance!
And yes, I'm mad that Miley looks like Peaches & Cream Barbie's backwoods cousin, Pork Rinds & Cool Whip Barbie.
Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore's body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid's birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil' Wayne song. If you took away the whole "murdering her husband" thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.
TMZ says that at Miley's party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher's leash.
When you're a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you've got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I'm not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I've partied with some of my aunties and it's usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don't do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!
TMZ took a break from posting the 32-page divorce documents filed by an extra who was on an episode of Entourage once (I'll post those next) and gave us what our eyes really crave: pictures of delicious dick cake! Unfortunately, this delicious dick has Miley Cyrus' face attached to it. But a BOO for us is always a YAY for Billy Ray (that rhymed and I'm not proud of it).
TMZ posted priceless picture after priceless picture of Miley Cyrus licking the taint under a herpes-ridden chocolate dick cake at the birthday party of her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in L.A. on Saturday night. Either nothing makes Liam's mouth slobber like a giant black dick topped with an open herp sore or Liam got the cake to keep Miley occupied all night.
Yes, this makes me like Miley just a little, tiny bit, but I still can't believe how stupid everybody at this party was for bringing a big black dick cake out. You do not bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A. That's like feeding a mogwai after midnight. That's like giving my cousin alcohol at a party when you know very well she's going to ruin all the fun by drunk crying in the corner about how her life has become a tragic puddle of Emo-ness.
Do you know what happens when you bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A.? As soon as you're done nibbling the pube beads (or whatever that is) off of it, you will hear the soul-killing sound of the Four Whoresmen galloping toward the door. Khloe Kardashian will bust in with an E! camera crew and NOM NOM NOM every crumb of red velvet out of those chocolate nuts. Kim Kardashian will bust in and destroy that chocolate peen by hugging it with her fat ass flaps of doom. Kourtney Kardashian will bust in and kill the entire mood of the party by whining about how her sisters didn't leave anything for her. Finally, Pimp Mama Kris will bust in and force everybody at the party to sign contracts releasing their rights to any future profits of the cake smashing video they just shot. The only thing left would be a drool pool left by Khloe and a whole lot of empty stomachs hungry for delicious black peen cake.