Shit You Find At The Dollar Store

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

Yes, I'm going to feed the zoo animals even though all of you have begged me not to. But look at this bottom of the barrel mess!

Tila Tequila crawled out of her hobbit hole yesterday to work the famewhore stroll hard by posing with various inanimate objects like she had just graduated from Phoebe Price's School of Curious Poses. LADYTROLL, PLEASE! Tila, who still swears on her tampon string that she's knocked up, made sure the pappies got a million pictures of her with a plastic baby doll against her equally plastic bosom. Child Protective Services, start your ENGINES NOW!

Tila's whole act is just a junior high school production of Brit Brit's Meltdown: The B-Sides. The wig. The crazy talk. The everything. But Tila's act needs a bigger budget.

And Tila continues to drop hints as to who the father of her unborn Balloon Boy Baby is. Tila claims it's some A-list rap star who gets into a lot of trouble. Those who care think it's The Game. But I've got other ideas. A-list rapper.....shit stirrer....would have sexual relations with Tila Tequila.... It could only be one bitch:

SKAT KAT, you dirty filthy puss you!

Look! It's a giant asshole and a giant pussy. You decide which is which.

If you happened to be making your way to Times Square in NYC last night when your genitals suddenly jumped off your crotch and headed straight for Port Authority, you now know why. Jon Grosslelin and Levi Johnston shared the same space in Times Square to shoot a segment for The Insider. Where was Nancy Grace or Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head when we needed them most?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go douse my pea coat with pig's blood and feed it to a pack of wild coyotes.

Image VIA NYDN

If all the members of Duran Duran formed a circle jerk around all of Grace Jones' album covers, their cumulative cum shot would look just like this! Here's the cover of Alien Princess RiRi's new album called Rated R.

P.S. - I always knew that RiRi was a member of the Illuminati and now this confirms it.

VIA Popeater

The last time we left Michael Lohan, he was burping about how his daughter is HONGRAY for prescription pills and how he plans to save her. Well, Michael Lohan is still at the same place we last left him: shouting all sorts of shit to Radar.

This time around, Michael is yammering about how he plans to stage an intervention (Candy Finnigan just queefed, burped and farted at the same time) to save his daughter from the evil doers who keep giving her the bad shit. Don't ask me how Radar can understand a word he says seeing as though his head is shoved up his ass. Maybe the words somehow make their way out of his peen hole? Who knows.

Michael said, “I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way. But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing. When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her. If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

The intervention will be held at Mulcahy's Pub on Long Island. You can buy tickets at the door for $5. It's BYOA (bring your own Adderrall). White Oprah will open the intervention by strutting around the stage in shoes from her new shoe line "SHOE-HAN." I'm not making the last part up.

Below are pictures from a press conference for White Oprah's new collection of shoes. It's really called "SHOE-HAN." The shoes will be sold at Big Lots, stoop sales, swap meets and lesser known back alley pharmacies beginning next year. They are perfect for crushing your pills down into dust and for kicking your 15-year-old daughter out to work the ho stroll.

In the third thumbnail, I think she's telling the two people there (including Nana Lohan) how big she likes her bottles of Vicodin to be. At first I thought she was telling us how much dignity she has, but we all know her fingers would be much closer together if that was the case.

Jessica Simpson Fatgate '09 is dying off and bitches have already erased the big-tittied frog from their "relevance" file. So while she was opening up for Rascal Flatts at MSG in NYC last night, Jess decided to put drop a little ammunition in our H8R guns to get more attention.

According to UsWeekly, Jess told the audience, "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note. That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split."

Let's let the canned-chicken-brained bitch believe her voice has the power to split pants. The truth is that when her frog warble hits pubic hair-splitting levels, her pants take the opportunity to bust from that bitch's ass! The dumb skank's pants are splitting in more ways than one.

And you know how Papa Joe is spending his Friday. Bitch will be holed up in his basement with that picture above, Photoshop at his fingertips and a tub of Crisco at his side.

I don't even know if this is Photoshop. It looks more like a cut and paste job. And they didn't use a computer. They literally cut out a picture of Rachel Green's head and used Elmer's to paste it over the model's body. Her head is the size of one of her knees. This is high art.

A Dlisted reader found Jennifer Aniston's "flaring panty-hose" at a store in Germany. They really should have went with HoHan's head instead. I mean, "flaring" panty hose? Duh.

Since we're on the subject of Jenny Aniston, here she is sans "flaring panty-hose" doing old-maidey stuff in Los Angeles today.

This shit is seriouly becoming a regular feature. After I posted Mischa Barton's cheap panties and Angelina Jolie's "weist" thinning massage hoop, you guys sent in even more shit found at the 99 Cent store. You are some cheap bitches! I just bought some generic sodie pop and dish liquid there. I'm sure that dish liquid is going to melt my dishes.

Above is a luxurious tank top featuring an Olsen Troll on its packaging. I'm sure it's part of their fashion line, The Row, which is only sold at the 99 Cent store and Barneys. The people that put this shit together really need their own Photoshop Award. They don't even fucking try.

Below are a couple of costume bags with Dubya and Rob Lowe on the cover. Hmmm....the Dubya one probably isn't Photoshopp. That's probably a real picture.