Shit You Find At The Dollar Store

Look who's putting the "ho" in ho ho ho and the "mess" in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won't hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden's ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you're welcome.

As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can't afford gold), and she doesn't sound at all like a delusional mess who's been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney's mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she's HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it's the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.

“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”

Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.

“It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."

Me: It's kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.

“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”

There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can't even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.

As a southern US girl, I am often confronted with the "redneck" tag. Everyone thinks we all have no teeth and stand barefooted and bare-gummed in the front yard with a baby on each hip while our other 11teen children run amok underfoot. For some southerns that may be true, but let's listen to the wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy to sort it all out.

In OH NO HE DI'INT! news, Larry has thrown down the gauntlet (ty snowpiece!!) regarding what it means to be a redneck. In a video on TMZ, he says that YES he is a redneck. But NO he is not a Honey Boo Boo kind of redneck (fade to black, then to Honey Boo Boo Chile wiping the sweat and sketti sauce from her brow). OMG Larry. Trailers will burn, and tooth will chatter.

It's kind of funny that I have an inside look at all of this. No I am not a redneck, but I know Larry's kind of redneck and I know Mama Junes' kind. And sorry to shade on your parade Larry, but you are thisclose to being one in the same. Rednecks, while an adorable in some ways breed, share a common je ne sais quoi denial about their position in life. You are not a thinker. You are not savvy. You are a redneck. It's okay, revel in the simplicity of it all as you lovingly hand wash your flannel shirt with the arms cut off. We'll wait.

It's kind of like your family reunion, where your always too drunk aunt accosts your always too pilled out aunt about her life decisions. Beautiful, yet train-wrecky and misguided. And the best part is you get to laugh your too drunk and too pilled out ass off at it all, because you came prepared. Yeah, like that.

Adrienne Bailon and her amateur pook-a-poon theatrics can step aside, because here's a real divine goddess who knows how to serve HO SHIT with a heaping serving of class and elegance. No, this isn't Carmen Carrera with an Eva Longoria face mask on. This is a mysterious and delicate flower named Micaela Schaefer. I'm only calling her mysterious, because I don't know who the fuck she is!

Apparently, Micaela was on Germany's Next Top Model for a quick second, but was kicked off since Heidi Klum was jealous of her beauty. Obviously. Micaela now pays her pussy waxing bill with DJ gigs and appearances at such family friendly events like the Holiday on Ice Show in Berlin. Micaela sashayed into the Holiday on Ice Show and gave the children some Holy Bible glamour by coming as the gorgeous slut version of the Garden of Eden complete with her not-so-forbidden fruits on display. I'm so glad that someone is teaching the children of Germany that you aren't officially a style icon until you've chafed your pussy lips on a piece of fake snakeskin. I am just like that lady in the background. I can close my eyes forever now that I've seen it all.

Do not let anybody tell you that a KFC family pack cake, 3 Subway $5 foot-longs, a half a bottle of orange juice, mayo packets, a trash can full of broken down cardboard boxes, Tracey Gold as The Grudge girl and a dining set from Ashley Furniture DOES NOT a party make. If they don't believe your ass just show them this picture of Kirk Cameron blowing to his 41 years on earth at an office birthday party whose budget was twice that than his movie Left Behind.

So what if those two ladies look like the happiness has been sucked from their beings and they would rather be 69ing a urinal or trapped in file cabinet field under fluorescent lighting. This is Kirk's big day and he's partying so hard that he's throwing up a dick. Or maybe he's sucking up an upside down dick. I know you see it. If you don't, then the power of Christ compels you to see it!

Source: Buzzfeed via The Hairpin

The last time Kate Hudson threw the brown on top of her head, I toasted to her with a Pabst wrapped in a Rice Krispies treat beer cozy and declared her the new reigning queen of NASCAR glamour, because she looked like the kind of treasured trailer park blossom who submits pictures of herself from People of Walmart to Tits and Beer Magazine's beauty of the year contest. But Kate strut out onto the NYC set of her new movie The Reluctant Fundamentalist with a Russell Brand wig on her head and this time I can't toast to shit.

At least I hope that thing on her head can be removed and thrown onto a bedside chair at the end of the night. If it can, they really should've dunked her head in a tub of brown dye instead of fixing a wig to her skull that makes her look like she should be discussing topics like "how a lady can free a stuck shit by putting a finger up into her vagina" (please tell me this is true) next to Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne. No offense to my 4th favorite Conner after DJ, Roseanne and Dan.

However, one way to keep our eyes off of Kate's head is to put her next to a hot piece in a corduroy jacket. His name is Riz Ahmed and we shall be married never, but a ho can still dream (and fap).

But back to whatever is on Kate's head, I give it 5 out of 5 ERRRRR faces from the new love of my blog life.

Hollywood is queefing out Snow White movie after Snow White movie and here's the one that recycled Bjork's Oscar swan dress (see Phil Collins' daughter wearing that white tinfoil swan mess on her head in the picture below) and also cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. The only two words that jump into my head after blinking at this picture a couple of time are: A MESS!

You know, Julia's laugh could put any bitch in a coma so she sort of makes sense as the Evil Queen, but then they stapled my auntie's white peacock wall ornament to her back and slapped some sequined peacock feathers over her nipples. How are we supposed to believe that Julia can shoot fear into grown men when she basically looks like the fail version of this masterpiece look:

Even the Evil Queen's mirror can't with the mess she's wearing. I'm sure there one scene will go something like this:

The Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Do you mean, who's the biggest fool of all? That would be you and your peacock nipples. Now go pluck yourself, you silly bitch!

Don't even get me started on how we're supposed to believe that an evil horse would actually give up one of its apples. You know you're in trouble when your version of Snow White makes Kristen Stewart's version of Snow White look interesting.

That being said, I'll be sitting sixth row center on opening night since I cannot ignore a campy mess that not even ABC Family would air.

Here's more from Tarsem Singh's Snow White that stars Lily Collins (as Snow White), Julia (as the EQ), Armie Hammer (as Prince Charming) and Nathan Lane (as the Evil Queen's henchman).

If I lived in a house, I too would have an exquisitely tacky bootleg statue of Michelangelo's David in my front yard, because I believe that one should get all of their landscape ideas from Norwood Young. But the residents of Lollipop Lane (I can't) in Abilene, Texas do not agree with me, because they are throwing up their hands and calling the local news over a rock hard dick decoration that is tainting their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These complainers must piss through a tiny hole in their taints and only use their genitals for hardcore fucking, because they think a statue of a naked dude is forcing them to talk to their children about sex. One stone peen hater said, "What can you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?" Hmmm. Well, I'm no child psychologist, but I supposed if they ask what thing on David is you could say, "It's a penis." But maybe the word "penis" will cause their ears to fall off and crawl into the bowels of hell to be devoured by Satan's minions. Or they could just tell their children it's a fat worm nibbling on a pair of figs.

But seriously, there's only one way to solve this. The neighbor should get himself a naked cherub statue to place below David. Then the neighbor should turn David into a fountain and make it so that he's pissing onto a cherub's nalgas. That will definitely teach the children that penises are for pissing and not for any sex stuff. CRISIS AVERTED!

By the way, can somebody give me directions to the Doggone Museum, because you know how much I love KITTENS!!! (I'm guessing all dogs are gone from that museum. Yes, I'll hand you the GONG on my way out.)

(Thanks to Bradley M for sending this in!)

Rachael Ray is more of a Bob Hoskins than a Jessica Rabbit, but somebody lied in her ear because here she is wearing a fire sale wig made from Big Brother Rachel's weave scraps for the Halloween episode of her show. That grown man in Roger Rabbit ears who looks like he's about to lead us into the back of the garage to a play a not right game of "Hide the Carrot" is Rachael's husband.

Rachael most likely chose to pour herself into sequins because SOOOO many people have told her that she sounds just like Kathleen Turner. You know she thinks that. Kathleen Turner has a raspy voice that could exfoliate a peen and moisturize it afterwards, while Rachael has a Miley Cyrus-approved growl that could castrate a peen and pour saw dust on it afterwards. Big difference.

Leave it to Ty Ty Banks to take a pair of five cent fish nets from the store and wrap that mess around her head as though it was a piece of fine couture crafted from the hands of angel Coco Chanel herself. The Deadliest Catch indeed! No really, Ty Ty straight-up shoved her HD head into a pair of fishnets and cut the ends off. She gave herself a pat on the back for this shit on her Twitter:

So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y'all. N did my ow hair n makeup.

Note to self: If I ever need a pair of fishnets in Paris, go to the CRAZIEST store. While I do appreciate Ty Ty's MacGyver-like skills, she looks like a Christmas ham to me. The kind of ham that when you peel back the foil, you find that it has already spoiled so you don't even cut the netting off. You immediately take it back to Food 4 Less for a store credit.

Besides, Marilyn Manson did it better:

I mean, how did Ty Ty even eat or drink? Somebody please tell me there's a picture of Ty Ty shoving a slice of steak in between her fishnet holes. Make it work, Ty Ty! Oh wait, that's the wrong show. Drecktitude, Ty Ry, drecktitude!

And here's a few more pictures from Vogue's 90th anniversary party in Paris last night: The First Lady of CRAZY, Jean Paul Gaultier, Jeremy Scott, Dita Von Teese, Zac Posen with Diane von Furstenberg, Marc Jacobs, Gis Bundchen, and the perpetually tanked Kate Moss.

While leaving the set of Glee, where she just finished shooting a cameo in the episode devoted to her, Brit Brit gave the paparazzi a taste of her broke down busted up weave game. Oh, okay, Brit's weave doesn't totally look like it's the front-runner for the title role in a remake of Cujo, so this is a minor upgrade. But you know the ASPCA still tried to throw a net over her weave and asked the people around if they knew who its owner was.

Brit Brit's bald spot reminds me of the time my junior high school friend Ruby got jumped by a trio of wannabe cholitas because one of their boyfriends gave her a hickey on her face cheek (it was a slut badge of honor back then). When they were done with Ruby, she had a battle wound in the form of a chunk of missing hair on top of her head. Those stupid bitches straight-up ripped out a handful of Ruby's freshly dyed burgundy hair! For weeks, Ruby covered her "Bitch Got Beat" spot by wearing a high bun with two strands of hair trickling down her face (aka chola quinceañera hair). Nobody seemed to notice though, because they were too busy making fun of Ruby's hickey by saying that it looked like she tried to give head to a curling iron and failed.

So Brit Brit could easily save her weave game by wearing a high bun and giving herself a cheek hickey with a wet vac. Get on it, Brit!