Katherine Heigl

What I mean by that is that somebody should've snatched that carpet sample off of his head, because it is dreadful. Anyway, for the first time since everybody learned about the terrifying adventures of John Travolta's man finger-eating whirlpool anus, he put on a brave wig and came out (not like that) to honor Shirley MacLaine last night. No, John wasn't presenting Shirley with the Sally's Beauty Supply Lifetime Achievement Award in Lace Front-Wearing. Shirley was the recipient of the AFI Life Achievement Award and John was there to honor her. I really don't know who's wig game is worse: Shirley or John's. Shirley's looks like it's slowly shifting off of her head and John's wig is laid like a sod square.

The likes of Meryl Streep, Dakota Fanning, Mena Suvari, Melanie Griffith and Jennifer Aniston thought to themselves, "That is such a realistic wax figure of a Vulcan Dracula" as John Travolta spit out nice words about Shirley. I appreciate that John is showing us what Eddie Munster would look like if he grew into his widow's peak, but damn. Bitch needs to pull out his payroll sheet and erase the name of the ho who keeps buying his wigs at Leonard Nimoy's yard sale.

And if you were about to announce the countdown for the inevitable "Angie's fame whoring leg vs. Aniston's fame whoring leg" battle, save your bref.

It looks like that future Mommie Dearest-like tell-all about Katherine Heigl will have two authors instead of one! Because a rep for Katherine (insert the sound you make when you hawk up a crusty phlegm ball) tells Just Jared that she and her husband Josh Kelley have made their 3-year-old daughter Naleigh a sister by adopting a second kid. Katherine's rep closed their mouth to all details about her second kid, but who needs Katherine's rep when we've got The National Enquirer? A source tells the Enquirer that Katherine and Josh adopted an 8-day-old girl from Louisiana. The source went on to say this shit:

“As soon as they got the word the baby was born, Katherine and Josh flew from California to Loui­siana to pick up their new daughter. But they didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag too soon about their new little girl. Katherine wanted the infant to have a chance to get acclimated to her new family and surroundings before she introduced her to the world.

To keep the whole thing under wraps, a friend sat with their baby five rows in back of them on the plane trip back to Los Angeles. Only a select few people even know their newborn baby’s name!”

Katherine recently admitted that it took a while to bond with Naleigh and it seemed like her daughter hated her at first ("Do you blame me?" - Naleigh).

We all know Katherine as an insufferable, egotistical asshole whose smug smile makes you want to tell her that you'll see her next Tuesday, but motherhood has softened her edges a bit. I mean, she's not totally a mega bitch anymore. And that's a good reason to never have kids. Raising kids softens your cuntiness! Who wants that?!

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year's Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn't powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it's been a while since you've seen tits that aren't made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.

Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren't enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.

I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night's New Year's Eve premiere, but that's like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.

One way to keep psychotic birds from pecking the blood out of your face is to do yourself up so you look like you've already felt the beak wrath of a flock of winged animals.

Ring the crazy alarm, because we've got one right here. Katherine (get ready to clear that loogie out of your throat) Heeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiggggggggl stepped out in L.A. yesterday with a mop of blond straw that was as frazzled as your nerves whenever she opens her eye roll maker during interviews. This is a look that only a mental hospital butterfly net could love.

What's worse is that do you how many skin necks on peens shook on the shaft with fear when they got a glimpse at Katherine's coat? Imagine yourself as foreskin and look. If you don't act right, your owner is going to cut you off, trim your edges with black leather and you'll spend the rest of your days trapped on this annoying hag's body. Buffalo Bill ain't got nothing on this ho and her wool foreskin jacket.

Hayden Panettiere did it first and now Katherine Heeeeeeiiiggggl is running around looking like she's about to pinch Ole' Bill's ear and pull him off of an intern's crotch. Only Hillary Clinton herself and late-in-life lesbians who always flip the shirt collar over the blazer lapel (that goes out to you Meredith Baxter) should be allowed to have hair like that. Not the likes of Hayden of HEIGL!

Because Heigl is holding a caged puppy and looks like a slightly younger Carol Channing trying to burp out a queef in some pictures (that's a compliment), I will refrain from telling you how I really feel about this cut. Wiping the cuntness off my finger tips for now.

As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger's bus hoping she'll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that'll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.

And you can almost smell the matin' odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He's ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray's main mullet fluffer.

Here's a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley, Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.

Katherine Heeeeeeeiiiigl talks all about adopting her daughter Naleigh in the December issue of W Magazine. Hagel says that her sister is from Korea which is why she adopted a baby friend there. And she always knew she wanted to adopt so she made sure her husband Josh Kelley was with her on that subject before she did the vow shit with him at the wedding. Quick quote from the interview: "You have this empathy suddenly -– this compassion for a mother going through anything complicated or difficult with a child. It’s something that I understand now –- that unbelievable drive and instinct to protect."

Uh huh. And since Katherine's interview is all about Baby Naleigh, they all decided to put her on the cover too. But it doesn't look like they got Naleigh's notarized approval first, because homegirl looks like she's about to serve a smack to her mommy's face for putting her on the cover of a magazine in one of Noah Cyrus' day tutus. I'll hold your purse, Naleigh, while you follow through with that SLAP!

via Daily Mail

Even rich people who live in fancy mansions have neighbors who are always trying to kill their good time! Case in point: Katherine Heigl and her husband Josh Kelley were marinating in their hot tub on Monday night when their problem neighbor started filling their backyard with all kinds of insults (fictional examples: "Shut your ash tray of a mouth, Hagel!" and "Your loud mouth is bombing my damn ear holes just like your movie is bombing at the box office!" etc.. etc..). Basically, Hagel's neighbors thought her and her husband were too loud.

TMZ says that Hagel's neighbors have a history of acting like assholes so her bodyguard called up 911. The cops showed up, talked to everyone involved, realized that shit was a waste of their time and left without making an arrest or issuing a ticket.

You're probably thinking that Hagel and her husband must be moaners, but I doubt those kind of noises were coming from their mouths. I'm sure Hagel was doing her usual: complaining about everything. Hagel complained that her skin was not properly being titillated, because the jacuzzi's bubbles were not bubbly enough. Hagel bitched that they need to go back to bubble school to learn how to bubble the right way. Then when the neighbors starting telling her off, she complained that their weak and uncreative insults weren't even making her angry. Bitch got mad that they weren't making her mad! Hagel was overheard complaining, "I did not feel that I was given the material to warrant an angryface..."

But seriously, who calls the cops on an annoying neighbor? That's not how you deal with a buzz-killing neighbor. You throw a ham at them! Learn from Sharon Osbourne!

I sit corrected! There is a person on this planet who doesn't spit up phlegm balls and roll their eyes into the next room whenever Katherine Hagel comes by. Case in point: this Hagel superfan who tried to suck the object of her obsession into her bowels in NYC the other night. This is actually a living thing who most likely cried tears of sadness on her custom made "High 4 Heigl" bedspread when Izzy left Grey's Anatomy instead of crying tears of sheerfuckinghappiness (with the rest of us).

Wait. Or maybe that lady is a former chain smoker who just quit the cigs and sniffed out the pure nicotine flowing from the tips of Hagel's hair to the tips of her toe nails. That's why the crazy is trying to eat Hagel's hair. Bitch is trying to get her favorite fix! Yeah, that's a more reasonable explanation for this picture. I sit NOT corrected!

Here's Hagel having dinner with Josh Duhamel before getting attacked by a raging nicotine monster.

This hair is only okay if you're a middle-aged Southern divorcee circa 1988 who has the largest collection of Lilly Pulitzer dresses in her circle, drives a Mary Kay pink Cadillac and takes interior design classes at the local community college. Or if you're a character on Designing Women. It is not okay if you're Katherine Heigl and the year is 2010.

I mean, did my mom's hairdresser from Mastercuts travel all the way to present-day London from the 80s to do Hagel's hair for The Killers premiere tonight? That hair is giving Anthony Bouvier the vapors in a bad way. It's the worst Julia Sugarbaker impersonation of all-time!

Obviously, that hairspray fuggery is the result of pissing off the wrong gay hairdresser. This was not made with glitter-laced love. The person responsible for this was mess was gritting his teeth the entire time while trying his hardest to not stab her in the arm. Those harsh curls were born from him almost biting his tongue off while working the iron. How dreadful.

Julia Sugarbaker is judging Hagel hard for this:

Yes, that is Julia Sugarbaker's "I'm judging you" face. She's an elegant Southern belle, so she hides it well.