Russell Brand

When the piece who you were married to for five whole seconds shows up at the same Lakers game as you, let him know all the wonderful goodness his CDC enemy #1 dick is missing out on by miming a hot, sloppy hand job (or maybe she's a miming a hot, sloppy beej, which explains why her mouth isn't opened that wide). Katy Perry should've really made this totally realistic by wearing the same safety goggles she wore every time she got down to get Russell off. A trick has to protect her eyes from falling crabs.

Katy and her really hot dad, who is always serving up some Uncle Fester as a biker bartender realness, went to the Lakers vs. Mavericks game at the Staples Center in L.A. and sat near her ex-husband Russell Brand who was there with two boys. Katy proved to Russell that she's happy by acting really, really, really happy. Bitch put on a real "SEE! I'm happier without you because I'm laughing REALLY hard" show. If John Mayer was there with her, all the black people would have to get up and leave, because she would've really shown Russell that she's moved on by canoodling with John's David Duke Dick out in the open. I wish John Mayer was there. A piece of human tampon lint (who's always dressed like the douche bag character in an Archie comic) getting into a slap fight with a human Fem-V pantyliner (who's always dressed like a Thunderdome go-go dancer) would've made for the perfect Halloween time show.

The chlorine-covered (bro)mance between Ryan Lochte and Cullen Jones wasn't the only flower of true love that bloomed during the Olympics. Today, Geri Halliwell is receiving a special basket full of industrial-strength condoms and different kinds of topical ointments from The Department of Health, because apparently Russell Brand is spreading his dick chutney all over her ginger biscuit.

The Sun says that the ex-Mr. Katy Perry was dating American piece Isabella Brewster, but he put her on the curb so he could be with Geri full-time. Russell has always had a thing for Geri and after the two met up again during the Closing Ceremonies at the Olympics, they started dating and now suddenly it's "very serious." The two have been seen on a few dates all over London, and this past weekend they took Geri's daughter Bluebell Madonna on a tour of Hampton Court Palace. A source says that after two weeks of dating, they're already in love and shit:

"Things are getting very serious between them — they’re a proper couple now. They had met several times in the past, but really got to know each other during the Olympics. People thought Russell was joking at the time, when he said he had a crush on Geri all over again, but it was true. They just clicked — they have so much in common. He is spending so much more time in London just to be with her."

Russell Brand was married to Katy Perry for about as long as it took me to swallow three 100-calorie bags of cheese popcorn just now (SPOILER ALERT: 35 seconds) and he dated that Isabella girl for less than that and now he's suddenly in love with Ginger Spice? Uh huh. Blueballs Madonna has nothing to worry about. I know she's sick of getting the spooks every time she gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and runs into her half-naked "Uncle Cher" going down to the kitchen, but he'll be gone soon. Russell will dump Geri after he meets and falls in love with (insert the name of literally anything. Anything. If you typed "crocheted tampon cat toy," you're right. Russell will eventually fuck and fall in love with that).

And since we're on the subject of ginges and Katy Perry, here's the two together in L'Officiel Paris (via HuffPo).

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

In news that has stabbed a bloody hole into my faith in the growing legacy of gold diggers, TMZ reports that Russell Brand won't pick up a shovel and dig into Katy Perry's mountain of millions. Russell and Katy didn't sign a prenup before they ruined their lives by getting married and so if he wanted to, he could try to wrap his wallet around half of the $44 million she made during their 14-month marriage. But Russell (read in the voice of Kandi from Real Housewives) is an independent woman, doing it for himself and doesn't want Katy's money. That burn Russell just felt in his dick, wasn't one of his genital warts popping on its own again, it was the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith kneeing him in the crotch for being such a dumb bitch!

Russell's lawyer filed final divorce papers in court yesterday and made it clear that he wants to walk away with only the money he made during their marriage. Once source put it like this: "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person)."

What is the Yiddish word for puto estúpido, because that's what Russell Brand really is. Russell has a plate of $22 million dollars in front of him and suddenly he's got a case of the nobles?! Think of all the metallic skinny jeans, suede pointy boots and bottles of Crisco's leave-in conditioner Russell could buy with all that money. But good for him for wanting to be a do-gooder and shit. Gross.

And here's a tip for Katy's lawyer. If "Russell Brand" suddenly hops into your office and declares that he suddenly wants half of EVERYTHING, make him Riverdance for 3 full minutes as confirmation that it's really him. Because there's a good chance that it's probably Heather Mills in a Jesus mask.

TMZ says that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce yesterday and not Katy Perry is because she didn't want her super-religious parents slapping her with their King James. That's a bible, not a dildo brand.

Since Katy's parents are evangelical Christians, we're told she didn't want to be the one to "officially" end the marriage by filing the docs ... since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

So are stunt weddings. Her parents' values didn't seem to concern her too much when she MARRIED his ass. Or when her first hit song was about dyking it out. Also - someone told me that (no, "someone" isn't me, I was at a Miley Cyrus show that night) at her concert she talks about giving head and her audience's average age is pretty much 12. Smurfette is riding a cherry-picker when it comes to her Christian values.

They also reportedly have had divorce on deck for a couple of weeks after realizing their marriage "just wasn't there".

They were an incongruous couple, right? She tries way to hard to be Rainbow Brite or whatever and he looks like he was born from an oil slick. People tell me he's funny? My problem is that I can't watch Get Him To The Greek to find out because Jonah Hill's in it. Jonah Hill is the worst. Both versions - depressed mastadon and neurotic Gollum. Didn't have lap band, my fat Irish ass!

This divorce story could all be a filthy lie. The real reason Russell was the one to file could be because his wife is terrible. And exhausting. Argh, the costumes, and the wigs, and the big candy props. Desperation Tour 2011.

Speaking of desperation - here's where I plug Manhunt Daily! One of the only reasons my Manhunt bosses let me come over here to help Michael K. out was because I promised to throw a plug into each of my posts. Free advertising! Unfortunately, I, err, forgot to include a few. So before they spank me (literally, it's Manhunt) and then fire me, click a link if you like dick or seeing pictures of it.

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

KatyRus / PBrand / Brandy? may be off for real. Oooh, two SNAPS in a Z formation for Russell. Katy Perry is not the only one who was spotted sans ring over the holidays. In ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER news, Russell Brand was also snapped in London without his noose wedding ring over the Christmas holiday. Can this mean there is some credibility to the post I wrote yesterday about the not-so-happy couple? Holy shit, this would mean I'm a reliable source, and is going to do irreparable damage to my rep.

TMZ reports that Russell was in the West Wing today, sporting a ring finger as bare as his wife's breasts on Sesame Street. This kind of makes me sad in a way, because if two total weirdos can't make it in this crazy world, what hope is there for the rest of us? I know Katy will find comfort in the arms of almost any man since she has that kickin body (that is until he actually talks to her, hears her "sing" or sees her in the morning) and Russell can score any chick with a crazy eye and overzealous hair fetish, but still.

The holidays are a bitch, both for those of us who are single, or just want to shank our SO's. I hope they make it, just so I can continue to throw shade at their crazy asses. Russell and Katy, you are making the "marriage is for straight people only" side look bad. I hope you are selflessly doing it for the gays.

ETA white tennies Russell? REALLY? Hipster fail. Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.

Around five months ago the wondrous acid bubble that is Japan popped Russell Brand's dreams of running through their Hello Kitty Kingdom by refusing to let him step one pointy-toed foot into their country and now Canada is also declaring that they're a Russell Brand-less nation. Katy Perry's husband tried to get into Bieberland yesterday to perform at Casino Rama in Rama, Ontario, but the mounties at the border stopped him and told him to get the fuck ooot. Russell Tweeted this out before he was shoved back into the US by the fist of Canada!

HELP! I'm gonna be late for Casino Rama show unless someone can force Canadian customs officials to let us land in Orillia!

How do you manipulate customs officials? Wasn't Hitler's father a customs officer? I'm pretty sure he was.

Let me in! I must perform at Casino Rama, Orillia tonight at 9 for 5000 Canadians!

Tonight's Casino Rama show postponed. I'm sorry. I can't enter Canada. We must abolish the borders between our nations AND our minds.

Russell didn't Twat out why Canada wouldn't let him up into their legs, but The Daily Mess says it could have something to do with his criminal record. But by the looks of that picture of Russell at the border, Canada probably refused his ass because they know that you can't trust a dude who looks like an Al Qaeda TV weatherman.

UPDATE: It was a stupid ass prank (read: cry for fucking attention because he's a fame whoring fart). Russell never left California, because of issues with his private plane. Canada should still keep his ass out for being a first-class douche twat of the highest order.

With all the tsunami, earthquakes and other disasters, the country of Japan decided that its people have suffered enough so they crossed Russell Brand's name off of their guest list and did not allow him into the magical land of rainbow-wrapped fuckery. Russell tried to join his wife Katy Perry in Tokyo for her world tour, but Japan wasn't having it. They told him sayo-fucking-nara and said that the closest he's ever going to get to Japan is the sushi section at Todai. The reason was because of some illegal shit Russell did ten years ago. This is what Katy Perry Tweeted last night:

I'M SO EXCITED! I'M IN MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD! #JAPAN!!! #CALIFORNIADREAMSTOUR!!!
13 hours ago

So...my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so. sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place #tokyodreamscrushed
10 hours ago

It was for priors from over 10 years ago! #mamanothappy! #don'tmessw/mahman! #uwannaplaylet'sgo #don'ttakeawomansmanfromhershe'llgetshiasty!
10 hours ago

...But of COURSE I ♥ my Japanese fans & the show #MUSTGOON no matter the daily aftershocks or husband kidnappings! #it'snotrightbutit'sokay
10 hours ago

#FREE@RUSTYROCKETS! RT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 hours ago

Russell didn't seem to upset about it in his Tweet about this mess: "Planning escape from Japanese custody. It's bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick."

But the joke is really on Japan, because Russell got into the country the next day by using Nancy McKeon's passport.

It's not a cunt bomb, it's not even a lukewarm fuck bomb, but I'll still file it away as win for our cause! The best part is when Helen Mirren tries to stuff the "shit" back into her mouth before anyone realizes that she let it out in the first place. (<--- That didn't come out right. <----- That didn't come out right either.)

Here's Helen looking more glamorous than a Jackie Collins book cover at the UK premiere of Arthur yesterday with Russell Brand and Katy Perry. Yes, Helen will kiss your man on the lips in front of your face and she won't even lose a wink of beauty sleep over it. My idol.