Those of us who regularly fill ourselves up with the good shit smoke should be disappointed in ourselves for not coming up with this first. From the brilliant mind Ryan McHenry comes these Vines of Ryan Gosling refusing to eat cereal. I just.... I don't even know what to say.... I'm so glad people have time for shit like this. There's a lot more after the cut. These are best viewed after you've smoked a bowl or twenty. Actually, don't do that, because then you might get the urge to try to eat that spoonful of Corn Pops. GO!
I don't even know why I asked that question, because nobody's going to get it. Most of you probably had his name dumped from the memory box in your brain centuries ago. The answer is: Ryan Cabrera. The Ryan Cabrera who made songs in the early 2000s, dated Asslee Simpson for a minute and has always had hair like a deep fried porcupine. That Ryan Cabrera.
Yesterday in Crumbs, I linked to a post at ICYDK about Ryan and his electrocuted Gene Simmons hair, but they didn't have pictures of his fugged up Ryan Gosling leg tattoo. Ryan Cabrera showed off his shitastic tattoo at the Hyde Bellagio in Las Vegas last week and talked about it during Lance Bass' show on SiriusXM. Ryan says that he and one of his friends go into a tattoo place together and pick out a tattoo for each other without the other one knowing what it is. They don't see their new tattoo until it's done. Ryan has a unicorn tattoo and a Care Bear tattoo from playing that dumb ass game. Ryan explained it like this (via OMG Yahoo via ONTD):
"Me and my buddy we go in [the tattoo parlor] and he chooses one thing off the wall for me, then I choose one thing for him. You can't see it until after it's done and then we unveil them at the same time. The only rules are that it can't be religious and it can't offend anybody."
Um. Earth to Ryan Cabrera, that Ryan Gosling tattoo is offensive on every level and it's especially offensive to Ryan Gosling. Because that doesn't look like Ryan Gosling. It looks like a hungover, bloated, cross-eyed Lee Pace right before he's about to barf. Well, the good news is that if you're ever going to bone Ryan Cabrera, you have something interesting to stare at when you're doing the reverse cowgirl position.
Page Six says that at the Bowery Hotel in NYC on Good Friday night, Ryan Gosling's Canadian hipster coolness evaporated when he turned into an overreacting, raging, jealous dick bag after a fashion photographer said "Hey, baby!" to his piece Eva Mendes. Don't you just hate it when a crazy, jealous boyfriend kills your Janet Jackson moment by interrupting you before you can answer "No, my first name ain't Baby" to a fashion photographer who just called you baby?
A witness type told Page Six that the fashion photographer recently shot Eva for something and Ryan Gosling must've not known that, because he went wild on a ho. The witness put it like this:
“Ryan got in the guy’s face and said, ‘Who are you calling baby?’ Eva had to jump in and calm everyone down before it came to fisticuffs. Ryan then made nice and shook the guy’s hand.”
Note to self: If I want Ryan Gosling to invade my personal space, breathe hot air into my face and spit all over me as he curses me out and threatens to fist me where it counts, just call Eva Mendes "baby." So what I'm saying is that if I ever see Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling out in the wild, I'm going to call her "baby" over and over again and I'm going to make sure I'm all Crisco'd up before I do it.
Here's Ryan in a velvet suit and Eva in Endora's cotillion dress at The Place Beyond the Pines premiere in NYC last week.
The extremely accurate and beacon of one hundred percent potent truthiness Now Magazine says that Eva Mendes has temporarily put aside her evil plan to take down the Power Rangers and is instead pointing her Orb of Doom at that Gosling-stealing, two-bit hussy whore Rachel McAdams. A source (aka a drunk intern who also runs the We Hate Evil Menses Tumblr on the side) tells Now that ever since Rachel McAdams broke up with Michael Sheen, she's been wiping her heartbroken tears on the shoulder of her ex-piece Ryan Gosling. Eva, whose right eyebrow always looks like it's in the "bitch, step back" position, is really raising her eyebrow in the "bitch, step back" position, because she wants Rachel McAdams to step away from her man.
Apparently, Rachel and Ryan stayed friends and talked every now and again when she was with Michael Sheen, but now that she's single they've been talking on the phone even more. The source said, "Rachel's always kept in touch with Ryan, but now that she's split with Michael, she's been calling him and using him as a shoulder to cry on. It hasn't gone down very well with Eva, to say the least, but Ryan wants to be there as a friend for his ex."
Well, since the LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian/Brandi Glanville feud is the bottom shelf version of the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston feud, we needed a middle shelf version too and here it is. This is something to keep hope alive for those McGosling fans who think The Notebook is real-life and Ryan and Rachel will be sucking rain water off of each other's faces in the end. Ain't no love like Canadian love.
This shit probably isn't true, but it still makes for the perfect triangle. Rachel McAdams is a wholesome-looking white angel with golden hair like a melted halo and Eva looks like an 80s soap opera villainess who can steal your man and half of your company in one day. I mean, she even dresses like Alexis Carrington (see: pictures of her outside of Letterman below). So that is why I will always wear a Team Eva t-shirt from Kitson (do they still sell that shit?).
I wish was following that headline with the line "to focus on a new career in porn," but I unfortunately for all of us I'm not. The third greatest member of the new Mickey Mouse Club (after Deedee Magno and Chase Hampton) is going to take a break from working, because his ass is rich and he can take a long sabbatical and still expect money to spit out of the ATM when he enters his pin. Millionaire bitches and their breaks! Ryan tells the Associated Press that after he promotes all the movies he's already made and directs that movie with Christina Hendricks, he's just going to lie naked on his couch and watch court shows all day.
"I've been doing it too much. I've lost perspective on what I'm doing. I think it's good for me to take a break and reassess why I'm doing it and how I'm doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.
The more opportunities I'm given, the more I learn about how easy it is to (expletive) it up. You fight for freedom and then you get it, and then you have enough rope to hang yourself. It's like trying to exercise some restraint because I do have so much freedom."
Translation: "I should've never made that Gangster Squad piece of shit. It fucked up my swag."
I'd like to think that Ryan is going to spend his vacation selling jars of his dick sweat on Etsy or keeping a Tumblr diary of the daily adventures of his abs, but you know he's going to spend it boning that trick heffa Eva Mendes and feeding apples to his dog (not at the same time...I think).
Here's Ryan in NYC today walking around and peering into cars like he's buying the good shit or selling ass.
It's been a while since the Internet's favorite panty creamer and the Internet's most hated woman reminded everyone that they're still bumping nipples. While some of us were eating post-Thanksgiving "forever alone" sandwiches (turkey, slices of cranberry jelly and gravy between two pieces of pumpkin pie), Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes (official Internet name: THAT BITCH) were strolling around NYC. When they weren't strolling around NYC, Ryan was making grannies "gush" in Broadway theaters.
Speaking of gushing grannies, anybody who didn't watch Extreme Cougar Wives on TLC last night missed this Blanche Devereaux meets Samantha Jones hotness:
My life idol Hattie said that she doesn't need KY, because she still gets the gushes down there naturally. Obviously, Hattie wasn't one of the grannies sitting next to Ryan Gosling in that theater, because if she was he would've dropped Eva's hand and picked hers up instead. No young dude can resist a slutty memaw who takes her teeth out before sex and can throw her precious prune flower up in the air.
Here's more of Ryan and Eva walking around NYC last night. That bitch Eva is just fucking with everyone now. She wore that ugly hat on purpose. Yes, Eva, we know that even though you look like a family of blueberries shat on your head, Ryan is still going to lick your butt at the end of the day.
This picture of Michael Fassbender (the "F" is silent) giving Ryan Gosling a rub down would be so much better if they were both one hundred percent naked, erect in the nipples and covered in Crisco, but we'll have to take what we can get. Fassbender rubbed Ryan the right way while shooting a movie together in Mexico. I'll let you pull down the shades, wrap a dental dam around your monitor, crank up the Bell Biv DeVoe and spend a little alone time with this picture.
Judging by the look of Ryan Gosling's face, he's either on his way to a sloppy happy ending or he knows that you'll give yourself your own happy ending after seeing this picture, and he's okay with that.
At the Toronto International Film Festival last night, Eva Mendes (or as some of her Gosling-loving haters call her, "Evil MANlez") posed next to Canada's god Ryan Gosling (who can make a maple tree jizz out a gallon of syrup just by winking at it) and Bradley Cooper at the premiere of their movie The Place Beyond The Pines. Never mind that Ryan is dressed like the assistant manager of a restaurant at Knott's Berry Farm, I love that Eva's mouth is open in almost every single picture. It's like she's telling her haters to get a serious whiff of the scent of Ryan's taint (smells like maple syrup candy, the tears of an angel, cherry-flavored Clearly Canadian and poutine) wafting out of her mouth.
Yes, Eva and Ryan have the chemistry of a burnt out match and a puddle of tap water, but I still love the bitch eyes that she's throwing at hos. Let a trick know what's up by giving them a glare that says: "I know I look like a wax Cesar Romero in drag as Norma Desmond, but I still put my mouth on your pretend boyfriend every single night, bitch."
Before Mickey Mouse Club and long before he made womankind flip their nipples off by dating THAT BITCH (government name: Eva Mendes), Ryan Gosling sang out "When A Man Loves A Woman" and busted out some sweet awesome moves to C+C Music Factory at a Mormon talent show in 1991. This gem is hilarious from the matching neck-to-ankle silk outfits to Ryan doing the Roger Rabbit to Ryan play fighting for the spotlight with his sister Mandi to the New Kids moves to the L.A. Looks gel in his hair (I'm guessing). Bottle this up and label that bottle: the epitome of 90s dorkiness.
I know what you're thinking and yes, it's totally weird that you want to convert this to VHS, play it for your friends at parties and tell them that your future husband has always had sweet moves and you really hope your future children inherit their father's jazz hands. Totally weird.
Ryan Gosling's mom, Donna, got her teacher's degree from Brock University in St. Catherine's, Ontario yesterday and like the good son he is, he showed up to the graduation ceremony and brought the human dagger in every fangirl's heart: EVIL MENDES! An official from Brock University told TheSpec that they knew about 30 minutes beforehand that Ryan was coming. That gave officials just enough time to pass around frozen panties to the girls and gays so that their genitals wouldn't explode into an orgasm sauce geyser as soon as he strutted in. The official said Ryan refused to take pictures with fans and tried to keep all the focus on his mommy.
“He didn’t want his celebrity status to distract from his mom’s big day and all of the other grads’ big day. He was very gracious and extremely aware of his own ability to create a distraction.”
Even though Ryan pulled some "no pictures, no pictures please" shit, one grad managed to get a picture of him and she posted it to her Instagram. I love Ryan's "I see you, but I'm going to pretend not to see you" face as much as I love Eva throwing one of her signature "Keep hating, bitches, because I'll be making the same happy face when your fake boyfriend massages my toes with his tongue later tonight!" smiles. Just like I do every time a new picture of Eva and Ryan comes out, I trolled the Internet to see what the commenters had to say. Of course, there were plenty of people calling Eva a Cesar Romero-faced piece of trash who will hopefully get struck down with an allergy to Canadian peen skin. Oh, I love the rage Eva puts in hos. I kind of hope Ryan and Eva will elope, so that I can sit back with a tub of maple syrup popcorn and watch as his fangirls do The Exorcist head spin in unison.
And Lainey says that Ryan and Eva have been driving around Eastern Canada. Eva brags about how she's fucked in every US State, so I'm guessing she's trying to achieve the same thing in Canada by fucking in every province. Here comes that fangirl rage....