Shut Your Hole
Cat Ommanney, the Brit with a voice as rough as a cat's tongue on The Real Housewives of DC, has already bragged to EVERYONE about how she felt the sparks of flaming hot desire jump into her body when she made out with Prince Hot Ginge years before she married her future ex-husband. Cat told the Daily Mail in 2006 and then she told the same story to Star Magazine a few months ago. And now Cat's former nanny is repeating the story again to Radar for those humans with eyes who were born within the past few months and haven't read about it yet.
Monica Herrero (more like Monica Goodbyero) worked as Cat's nanny in 2007 when she lived in London. Monica says that Cat would regularly spill the secrets of her vagina out and talked about her affair with Prince Hot Ginge (who is 13 years younger than her ass). Monica said this mess to Radar: "She would show me messages that he sent her, and she said that he wanted to take her hand and travel around the world. While I was living with Catherine a car with a chauffeur came for her twice. Her daughters would tell me, 'This is the car that Prince Harry sends for mummy.' She told me she met him because she doing interior design for him, even though I never saw her doing any work.""
Monica must have immediately written down everything Cat said to her, because she seems to remember the conversation word for word. This is apparently what Cat told her (and strangely enough, this is also what's written in chapter 3 of my fanfiction novel about PHG): "He was holding me off the floor, kissing me. I was absolutely speechless. I was against the wall, and he literally lifted me off the floor and gave me a lovely kiss which I was stunned by. It was a lovely kiss... Afterwards I didn't say anything. I was genuinely, completely blown away."
Yes, if I survived tongue touching with PHG, I'd have "I Touched Tongues With Prince Hot Ginge" tattooed on my forehead and I'd file papers to legally change my name to "ITouchedTonguesWithPrinceHotGinge K". I'd also cover my tongue with a specially made lucite case and only eat liquid foods so that the spot where PHG left his essence is never disturbed. But I'd never EVER sell the story over and over again to various tabloid sources. That's just pathetic and desperate. Have SOME dignity!
And in "What dumb shit is flying out of the Kardashian's fat talk holes today?" news, Khloe Kardashian was on Lopez Tonight whoring out her family's latest assault on the world when George Lopez asked her about flying. Just so you know, joking about dipping your ham wallet in a bowl of mayo is completely appropriate, but the TSA patting your ass is not. Khloe feels like the TSA is basically raping everyone in public. Since she went there, it's safe to say that the Kardashians are raping all of our eyeballs by plastering their faces on every medium. But back to the TSA...
Khloe told George about a recent experience with a TSA agent that left her feeling violated (click here if you need to see the video):
"Well, they basically just are raping you in public. I got asked the other day, do you want to go for a screening or get padded down, I don't want that X-Ray to see everything, honey.
The people are so aggressive! It's like, 'Chill out, you didn't find anything on me yet, calm down.' They say, 'OK, I'm going to be pat you down and I'm going to be touching the crease of your ass.' That is so inappropriate to me! And they are so aggressive and forceful!"
Khloe is just mad because when the TSA agent was about to touch her ass crease, Pimp Mama Kris ran up screaming "You touch, you pay! I take Visa, MasterCard, AMEX, Discover, JCB, joo-ree.... " and got denied.
Or maybe Khloe's real mad because she's afraid the TSA is trying to snatch her tuck secrets. Nobody's trying to steal your tuck secrets, Khloe! Well, unless Lady Gaga's got a few TSA agents on pay roll and then Khloe has every right to be pissed.
On Thursday, Josh Duhamel was kicked off of a plane and put in time out without his toys after he threw a tantrum and refused to turn off his stupid ass BlackBerry. Josh wasted everyone's time by holding up a flight to Kentucky for nearly 90 minutes. Yes, 90 minutes! You know what those passengers could've done with those 90 minutes instead of sitting on the tarmac waiting for flight attendants to pop an annoying bag of hemorrhoids and pry him off the plane? They could've tap danced in an airport bathroom for some pre-flight peen. They could've read every tabloid cover-to-cover in a Hudson News. They could've swallowed a few Airborne and vodka shots in the terminal bar. But no, they had to wait a douchefart's pouty party of one to be over.
Josh's rep later burped out a "He's sowwy" statement. And at the TREVOR Live Benefit in Los Angeles last night, Josh told Access Hollywood (via People) that he's learned his lesson and will turn off his BlackBerry from now on. Josh had this to say, "I've learned that it's best to always turn them off. It was not my favorite moment. I'm good. Lesson learned."
So, Josh has barely learned that sometimes it's best to listen to adults with authority who have name tags on their uniforms (name tags are important)? Gold star for him! I wonder what new and exciting lessons Josh will learn next! Maybe he'll finally learn that wiping his own ass prevents skid marks on his Underoos. Seriously, Fergie is totally over scrubbing the nasty butt rainbows out of Josh's chonies after scrubbing the piss stains out of hers. Learn this, Josh!
At the end of his show at NYC's Bowery Ballroom last night, Pastor Gay Fish took to the imaginary podium and spit out a 9 minute long whiny bitch sermon about himself, Taylor Swift, himself, Matt Lauer, himself, Dubya, himself, himself, himself and himself. Even Stuart Smalley was like, "Give the mirror some air, dude, and back away..."
It's just 9 minutes of Kanye yanking at his own shit while wailing out WOE IS ME song about how everyone's out to destroy him. Bitch, you ain't Alexis Carrington! And Alexis would simply slap a bitch, steal their man and then move on to the next. Instead of making everybody head to the exit door early by busting out a rant, Kanye just needs to slap Matt Lauer and steal his man. Do it like Alexis would.
If you don't feel like spending time with Kanye's voice today, here's a couple of subjects he touched upon last night. From UsWeekly:
Gay Fish on the Taylor situation, which happened like 15 centuries ago: "Taylor never came to my defense at any interview," West ranted. "And rode the waves and rode it and rode it."
Gay Fish on the Today show manipulating Dubya's words to get him ragey: "Because [of] the popularity of me, they exploited that...That's not what he f*cking said!" West railed. "That's not what he said! He said it was one of his lowest moments. But it shows you---the way they try to villainize, the way they tried to do that."
And here's the video from Gotcha Media.
The best part is when some dude in the audience screams "WHO CARES?!" Now that's the real voice of the people. Preach it!
In Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, which is a modern day adaptation of Shakespeare's The Tempest, MiserAlba says that she decided her character Sue Storm should cry during a very pivotal scene. Now I'm assuming that MiserAlba came up with this decision on her own since she uses her highly skilled instincts as the script.
MiserAlba's sadface was much too real and human for the movie's director Tim Story so he told her to pull back and make it pretty. It was that moment that made MiserAlba almost quit acting for good. Acting is like, "Um, when were we ever together?"
"[The director told me] 'It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.' He was like, 'Don't do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.'
I'm like, 'But there's no connection to a human being.' And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don't want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, 'Fuck it. I don't care about this business anymore.'"
CGI TEARS?! That is some S1m0ne shit. But it's a really good thing our generation's Laurence Olivier never said goodbye to acting, then film professors and historians wouldn't have her work in The Love Guru and Valentine's Day to use as a reference for true thespian talent. And if MiserAlba ever quit acting, the Razzies would have to shut down and nobody wants that.
But mostly everyone stood to shake awake all the body parts that fell asleep while Fishsticks Paltrow's boring ass tried to sing and play guitar at the same time. NO! The Tammy Wynette of England and a woman who weighs less than one of Dolly Parton's nipples performed "Cuntry Wrong" with Vince Gill at the CMA Awards tonight and ho looked all kinds of nervous to me. Almost as nervous as the time a waitress at a Nashville diner shook her head "no" when when Fishy asked for a room temperature glass of Voss water with an organic slice of lavender-infused lemon in it. THAT NERVOUS.
FISHY! Didn't the Dalai Lama or whoever the hell your in-house spiritual adviser is these days teach you to picture the audience doing downward dog on a cashmere yoga mat? You know, so you can feel at home? I swear, Fishy looked like she was about to pee in her $5,000 imported French silk panties. Yes, her piss is so organic and pure that it can double as a facial toner, but still! Maybe it wasn't a good time for her to start that kumquat seed and cucumber juice cleanse.
But Fishy managed to hold her piss AND the stick shoved up her ass at the same time, so I'll say that she sort of kind of pulled it off.
In this week's issue of Boo Fucking Hoo Weekly, Hugh Hefner's former nappy changer Kendra Wilkinson makes a heartfelt plea for you to light an Our Lady of Guadalupe candle in her honor and save your prayers for the starving children of the world for another day because she has it harder. Before you open your front door to kick at Kendra as she begs for your pity on the ground, read her plight!
Kendra on how she took her 11-month-old son Hank Jr. back to L.A. after her husband Hank Baskett got dropped by the Philly Eagles and signed to the Minnesota Vikings: "Not having Hank around hurts. Moving across the country by myself makes me think of my own mom who raised me and my brother alone. Hank's not going to be there forever, but with him not physically here, I'm a single parent now."
Kendra on why she isn't moving to Minnesota to be with Hank: "I fit in well in Philly, and I could relate to all the people, but the West Coast is my home. This is where all my family and friends are."
Kendra on how she felt once her husband GOT A JOB by signing to the Vikings: "It hurt a lot. When Hank left I felt lonely. He's my everything. Nobody else can really fill that loneliness. We cry. It's hard, and we aren't ashamed to cry."
Kendra on how this Christmas will be the HARDEST CHRISTMAS in the history of Christmases: "I'm going to go back to the minus-2-degree weather to spend Thanksgiving, baby Hank's 1st birthday and Christmas in a small one bedroom hotel room with my husband and son. That's all that matters to me."
Yeah, see. How can you not form a cry circle for a single and lonely parent. Specifically, a single and lonely parent whose HUSBAND deposits thousands of dollars into their checking account and pays for the mortgage on their California mansion and their tab at Bristol Farms and the car payments on their fleet of German luxury vehicles. So stop your bitch whining about how you're going to have to float checks to cover your November rent, because at least you're not Kendra.
But seriously, Kendra needs to scrub the crusted tears off her retinas so she can get a good look at Hank Jr. and rectify his beauty situation! THAT HAIR! Richards Simmons in the back and Emo in the front is not the look for him. Once she fixes that, she can figure out what Hank Jr's season is since that particular shade of lip chap is doing nothing for his eyes.
Michael Lohan promises that the next time he farts in public, it's not going to make a sound. Impossible, I know.
In a statement to the media, the ghost of The Situation's future says that he's finally going to eat a giant Styrofoam bowl of STFU and will stop violating your eyes with his opinion on everything and anything. This is supposedly the final statement Michael Lohan will ever make. From CNN:
"After serious thought and conversation last night, with someone who means alot [sic]to me. I am making this statement and fully intend on living by it.
With all due respect to those who have both gotten on my nerves for reporting things that weren't true, ( as well as things that were), I want to make a public statement that I will not be commenting on ANYTHING relating to my daughter Lindsay, or ANYTHING my ex wife Dina, or any 'sources' related to her, might say."
"After all the things said and the incidents which have transpired, I realize that no matter how wrong or right I may have been, at the end of the day, I was wrong for offending my ex wife and my children. Because of the spotlight and scrutiny we have been under, as well as my own "pride," which has caused pain to my mother, (deceased father), brother, sisters and their sibling[s], I realize how my statements and actions have had a ripple effect on all of them. If it was me alone, it would be one thing, but I'm not. The things I have said and done, have cased hurt , pain and embarrassment for all of them.
That being said, I make this statement in humble supplication. And NO MATTER what accusations, lies or conjecture are disseminated to the public, about me, for the sake of the ones I love and with hope of creating peace, I WILL NOT respond , in ANY way, to what is said or done, to me.
MY family's health and well being matters too much.
For the sake of those I offended, I apologize and ask their forgiveness. But even if they can't find it in their heart to forgive, like I forgive them. I KNOW that God will have the last word and defend me in His own way.
So please refrain from from calling or contacting me."
My favorite part is, "please refrain from calling or contacting me." HAHAHA. Michael Lohan is totally that crazy bitch you break up with who keeps calling you to say shit like, "LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! Stop bothering me! I hate you! Stop calling me! Lose my number!" And you say, "Um, but you're the one who called me."
I mean, what is the roasted dick head going to do now that he has quit his job as an unpaid professional statement maker? Well, my guess is that his day is now going to be filled with calling every single media outlet to make sure that they know he's not making statements anymore and if they want a statement from him about his statement they need to go and reread the statement he made about not making statements.
First of all, I apologize for throwing Jon Gosselin at your eyes again since I'm sure you've spent a lot of time and money successfully exorcising him out of head. The refund line starts to the left. You'll have to figure out for yourself if I meant my left or your left. Second of all, earlier I wrote about how someone really needs to drag Michael Lohan to the career center. Well, that somebody needs to pick up Jon Gosselin on the way, because the douchebag just wrote a really long open letter to nobody in particular about how he won't stop until his child army is pulled away from the cameras.
Yeah, wah wah wah-ing into his empty checking account again and it's a shame that all of us have to hear the echo. Anyways, here's Jon:
As you may or may not be aware, I have been working for some time to remove my children from television. I do not believe being on TV is beneficial to any of them. They are no longer toddlers that are oblivious to what is going on around them. They are now six and ten, in school and desperately in need of a normal life.
Each of them has experienced negative effects of having their lives so public. Some are struggling with emotional and/or behavioral issues. My goal for my children is for them to have a normal childhood, and gain back their much deserved privacy. This is not about money, this is about my children. No amount of money is worth the price my children are paying. You cannot put a price on childhood. Money comes and goes, but you only have one childhood.
For those questions about money and support, I can say I am supporting my children to the best of my ability. All parties involved know the truth about this. I am and have been actively seeking employment. I have been barred from accepting entertainment deals that would generate income for my family due to contractual obligations. I am also actively looking for a job outside of the entertainment industry and so far, have not secured a position. In the mean time, I have been focusing on spending time with my children and providing a safe, stable, normal and private environment for them!
On October 13, 2010, I went to court to act in the best interest of my children- to remove them from television. The judge respectfully denied my plea, and granted filming rights to their mother. I honor the judge’s decision, but I do not support it. I will not stop fighting to remove my children from television. It is not a child’s job to support themselves, or a lifestyle, they need to be kids. I would like to apologize to my friends, family, and especially my children for not taking a stand earlier in my life and not questioning my decisions to have our lives documented and displayed. I will have to answer to my children for the rest of my life. I will have to live with this guilt the rest of my life. I am truly sorry!
If you read this letter backwards really quick it says: "But I'll shut my cake hole if you give me a cut." To which the Gosselin kids responded with: "Bitch, get off our money!"
Jon makes some good points (ugh), but it's a little too late now and besides his kids are going to need that money for their future. And by that I mean they're going to need it for therapy, an open bar tab and relocation services.
Do you shower in the dark, change clothes underneath your bed sheets and have avoided going to the doctor to get that boil/wart mutant thing in your ass crack checked because you don't want to get naked in front of anyone? Well, turn on the lights and flash a trick, because MiserAlba's body is way more disgusting than yours and she absolutely loves every inch of it.
MiserAlba tells GQ UK that all those straight dudes who milk their peen to her pictures must be into bestiality and shit, because this hot bitch below is on her beauty level (no offense to the hot bitch):
This is what Hollywood's town hag told GQ:
MiserAlba on how she's considered a symbol of sexy: "I don't get it. Every actress out there is more beautiful than me."
MiserAlba on her post-baby body: "Way more comfortable, since I had a baby. I'm far less self-conscious now I have her to worry about. There's something so amazing about having a child. My breasts are saggy, I've got cellulite, my hips are bigger, but I love it."
You know, I think I'm more offended by the fact that she considers herself an actress.
Here's the video of the future Oscar winner for Ugliest Non-Actress posing with her "saggy breasts" out for GQ.
If the man in your life is always in heat and driving you crazy by always slapping you in the leg with his lipstick, then show him this video. It's the antidote to horniness.