Shut Your Hole

The jar of dirty douchewater known as Pete Wentz tells Playboy (via P6) that he once played a game of Russian Roulette with a friend.

He said: "I pulled a trigger on a gun aimed at myself. My friend and I did one pull each. We'd been drinking and had taken Ambien. I feel stupid even talking about it. It's one of the reasons I've never owned a gun - I'm too impulsive. I'd probably get mad and shoot someone over a part in a song or something."

I know what your first thought was after reading Pete's quote and I agree with you 100%. But you totally know they didn't play with a real gun. This stupid twat is trying to sound all bad ass and shit. It was probably a fucking NERF gun. They weren't drinking booze, they were drinking Gatorade mixed with Kool-Aid. And they didn't take Ambien, they took Pepto-Bismol chewable tablets. Yeah, Pete Wentz really lives on the edge.

During the amazingly horrific crap fiesta known as the MTV VMAs, the low-rent Ugly Betty aka Jordin Sparks, defended promise (or purity) rings. Earlier in the night, host Russell Brand told a few stupid jokes about the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings. It wasn't a big deal, but Jordin was offended.

Before presenting an award with John Legend, she said: "I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring. Because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut."

Yes, Jordan is right. If you wear a purity ring, your genitals will forever be pure, fresh and innocent. If you don't wear one, you are a major slut whose genitals will soon fall off from all of the sins it's committed. Hey, works for me.

Seriously, this is why you must stick with the words on the teleprompter. If it's not written for you, don't fucking say it. I know what she meant, but it came out wrong. She ended up dissing the sluts. Even John gave her the reverse side-eye.

It's war, Low-Rent Ugly Betty! Sienna Miller and I are terribly offended, but we'll get over it by fucking the pain away. That's how sluts deal with shit.

Sluts of the world unite!

In the October issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine, Teri Snatcher aka The Botox Grinch has a little advice for her 10-year-old daughter Emerson.

Snatcher said: "Have great sex and eat the chocolate. Don’t sit on public toilet seats and make sure to floss. … Life's too short to stress; you'll be able to get past anything difficult; the sun will rise tomorrow; you are beautiful; you are lovable."

Snatcher must have read Lynne Spears' inspirational parenting book. The pedos of the world are bowing down to her.

And isn't having great sex and eating chocolate the same thing in certain circles? Gross. Snatcher forgot to tell her daughter NOT to ever mix flossing with oral sex. Click here if you have no idea what I'm blabbing about.

Snatcher went on to say that she also keeps a "goal board" with inspirational notes and images on it. She said: "It's basically a collage of images of things you want to achieve in your life – all written, glued or drawn onto a big piece of paper." Some of the messages on the board include "Don't eat after 7 p.m." and "Dance like a teenager."

Has she seen the way teenagers dance nowadays? The last thing I need to see is Snatcher wiggling her snatch like a video ho.

Snatcher's Glamour interview is just further proof that excessive botox use isn't good for the brains.

VIA People

Carrie Underwears is still talking caca about Jessica Simpson. That's what OK! Magazine claims anyway. The two blonde nitwits have been going at it for a while now. Naturally, it's because of a big douche named Tony Romo. Carrie's latest insult involves Jessica's fat ass. Carrie said that, not me.

A source said: “She finds Jessica’s love of putting her life on display pretty desperate. She laughed at the People cover, because it’s the same one Jess did about John Mayer — same smile, same look, except she’s a little fatter.”

Did she say this before fourth period in the home rec room while scribbling on her Pee Chee folder? This is junior high school bullshit all the way. It's time for Carrie and Jessica to meet behind the gym after lunch and settle this once and for all. But that will never happen.

These bitches are all talk. If they ever ran into each other, it would probably be like a fake bomb exploded in the room. Carrie would tell Jessica that she looks soooo skinny. Jessica would tell Carrie that her hair is so natural looking. You know how those fake asses do it. They would say all of this while the word "cunt" sleeps under their tongue. Dumb skanks!

Lily Allen needs to stay away from open bars. She's a grouchy drunk ass bitch! Nobody likes an angry boozer. They always have the worst smelling breath. Dog ass breath! Last night, Lily attended the GQ Awards in London and took advantage of the free champagne. Bitch got tanked....and mouthy!

Lily co-hosted the awards with Elton John and her drinking quickly made his saggy balls itch. Elton, being the bitchy old queen that he is, wouldn't let it go. When Lily told the audience: “And now to the most important part of the night." Elton quickly replied: “What? Are you going to have another drink?” Two snaps and a dildo slap!

Lily didn't let Elton get the last laugh. She answered him back: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!” Yeah, and it ain't going to be pretty.

Instead of slapping the ho in the teeth, Elton fired back: “I could still snort you under the table.” It ended with Lily saying: “Fuck off. I don't know what you are talking about.” Lily didn't know what he was talking about, but I'm sure the cokey booger sitting in her nose did.

I love it when two annoying dykes start bickering. I bet Lily was tottering around, trying to hold her vomit. She probably stomped offstage, grabbed Elton by his wig and shouted: "Yooouuuu knooow whaaat you'reeeee prooooblmeee issss?!" Seriously, Lily needs to stick to soda water and wafers. Angry drunks are almost worse than emotional drunks! Don't even get me started on those wet cry babies!

I think Elton and Lily should settle this with a cocaine snort-a-thon! My Monopoly money is on Elton! Lily has already proven that she can't handle her shit like a champ!

Here's some pictures of Lily before the drunken madness. Although, she might have been drinking at home. Methinks she forgot to brush the curls out of her mop. This is some "Thelma Harper" shit!

When someone close to you passes away, you usually mourn their death by crying, watching Sally Field movies or eating a whole tub of Breyer's. Not Michael Lohan. His daddy died and what does he do? Issue a statement to OK! Magazine trashing White Oprah. Naturally. Michael is re-defining the meaning of "famewhore." Here's his rant:

"My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.

THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that's par for the course with Dina! She didn't even send a card or visit when he was sick."

Pepaw Lohan was probably taking his last breaths when Michael said, "Sorry Pop! I gotta run. OK!'s offices are closing in a bit. See ya when I see ya." Even Satan is saying, "Damn. That's cold."

I'm sure he'll trash White Oprah some more while delivering his daddy's eulogy.

Will Michael please just crawl into a rotten apple already and stay there for the rest of his days.

That didn't take long. Michael Lohan has responded to SamRo and HoHan's response about his response about their response? I'm fucking confused. There's so many statements being released through so many different channels. And White Oprah still isn't involved! Coke got her tongue?

Michael released this butt fuck statement to ABC News. I picture his nostrils flaring and drool spewing out of his mouth while he said this crap:

"Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins.

She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That's control. How can she say I'm out of control? I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay .

Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life.That's what Dina told me. I'm reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy. Dina's a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay's good side instead of being a good parent. I don't give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she's going to turn around to me and tell me, 'Daddy, you were right.?

Give daddy a Midol and a warm compress. He's out of control. And if that doesn't bring White Oprah out of hibernation, I don't know what will. White Oprah, show Michael who is the queen of statements!

Michael went on to say that he has text messages and recorded phone calls with White Oprah and HoHan. He threatened, "If they're going to say I'm lying, I'm out of control, I'm going to show that they're lying and they're out of control."

He's funny. Like he really has texts and recorded conversations with them. That's not how this family communicates! They communicate through shitty statements released to the media. His "recorded conversations" were probably pieced together using sound bites from "Living Lohan" and "Mean Girls."

Just look at what the sad horse dragged in! It's America's least favorite shameless hooker! I'm surprised Kristy Likes Cocks' album cover isn't a picture of her in an American flag bikini, holding two semi-automatic weapons with "kill the terrorists" flags shooting out of her coochie. And the label really should have went with her original album title: "Kristy Likes Jesus!"

This bitch has the audacity to pose with a weepy horse after she sent her last one to the glue factory in order to pay for her trip to the "American Idol" audition! That poor horse on the cover is thinking, "Why can't she just end my misery by sending me to the same butcher she sent her last horse to?!"

Thanks J

Amanda Beard is not bumping dicks with superhuman Michael Phelps! She denied the rumors on Johnjay and Rich's radio show yesterday morning. Amanda could have kept it simple by just saying, "No, I'm not sucking on his dolphin fin." Instead, she said "ewww" over and over again when asked about the rumors.

Amanda said, "Eww, that's nasty. I have never, ever hooked up with Michael Phelps. Come on, I have really good taste. He's really not my type." Ewww? Seriously, how old is this broad? Did she go to The Michael K School of Vocabulary? I don't remember her as one of my students.

Something tells me Amanda tried to sit on Michael's golden peen once, but she couldn't handle it. Even Sienna Miller's vagina of destruction quivers at the thought of getting near his invincible rod.

Below is the clip of Amanda bashing Phelps yesterday morning. Take an espresso shot every time she says "ewwww." Your ass will probably explode before you even get to the 2 minute mark.

It looks like there's a new feud and this one should be sponsored by Celebrex and Ben-Gay. Last week, Roseanne called Jon Voight "a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." She also called Saint Angelina his "evil spawn." Among other things.

Jon Voight sat down at his typewriter to respond to Rosie's rant. You know the pepaw chipmunk doesn't own a computer! He probably sent his response via Pony Express. Here's the statement he issued to ExtraTV:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents.

Her parents responded to the accusations by going on the air and stating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed.

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing.

My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him.

I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)

Vile evil? Sick of mind? Defaming our National Anthem? Flattery will get him everywhere! Seriously, Roseanne is just speaking her "sick mind." I'm Team Sick Of Mind. You can call us Team Vile Evil on the weekends.

Jon needs to stick his dentures in a cup of lukewarm water, sit in the corner and finish his porridge like a good pepaw.

That being said, there's still only one way to settle this. You know what I'm going to say! CAGE FIGHT! A cage fight in a pool of Metamucil! Jon can even wear his "pink ballet tutu." Such a pretty pepaw chipmunk!