Shut Your Hole

Saint Angelina floated into the Hollywood Film Festival Awards Gala last night surrounded by archangels and the audience "gasped" at the sight of her. I didn't make up that "gasp" part. A couple of people died too, but Saint Angelina's face veins didn't even move. She's used to it.

Saint Morticia was there to pay tribute to Clint Eastwood. She spoke about him, but nobody could understand the words that came out of her mouth, because it just sounded like a thousand angels singing in unison. Everyone's ear wax suddenly melted away. If there was a deaf person in the room, they would be able to hear again.

After the saint spoke, Pepaw Clint Eastwood dragged his corpse on stage to accept his award and drown Angie Jo in more compliments. He said, "Working with someone like Angelina Jolie is a great privilege, because you get to look on that gorgeous beauty every day. And she's a great talent."

Why must Clint always tell us this? WE KNOW! It's been tattooed into our brains that she's a stunninggorgeousbeautifulperfectalloftheabove goddess who queefs holy water. And anybody who thinks otherwise has already been informed that they will spend eternity in hell. I've already received my plane ticket for flight #666.

Here's a few more of the pepaw zombie and the holy hunchback wax figure last night.

Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that's the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn't talk to the media. The hell?

Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I've learned that now."

Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there's no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that's burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!

VIA UsWeekly

Clear the streets and stay indoors, because Nick Hogan is getting out of jail tomorrow after serving 166 jail dicks days of an 8-month sentence. Brooke Hogan wrote about his release on her MySpace blog and called out the "JELIS H8RS" who talk shit on her precious family.

Brooke tucked in her dick, crossed her legs, sat at the computer and typed out this shit:

There have been a lot of supporters and a lot of haters that have come up to me and said things that have helped and things that made me feel like I couldn't make it through another day... Some people wish terrible terrible things on us and say the the most nasty comments that I can't even repeat on here... It really hurts. I understand people have their own opinion, but most of the people that come up to us don't know the whole story, or how much we really really love John. Its really sad, because were not bad people....were just going through a really hard time, and so is John's family. I feel sorry for the people who are misinformed because all they have to go off of is the media, which lets just face it, is NEVER a reliable source. Even the news, when that should be the most accurate...its probably the most far off. I didn't come on here to vent, and I know this still wont change peoples opinion or what they think about my family. But I know that you never really know, until you actually walk in someones shoes. And that goes in all directions. All I ask, is instead of making this harder, and putting evil things out there, you pray for John and for us, and leave words of inspiration. I know- like I know -like I know- John is gonna walk out of that hospital and things will be ok again. I know his strength and I know he can do it with our prayers...... To all the people who have been supportive- It has helped MORE than you will ever know. I can not thank you enough.....Please pray for my brothers safety too... this is a really tough time he has gone through and I know all he wants to do is show you, John and his family how much he cares and understands.

ok. Back to the happy stuff! .......I just can't wait to see my Nicky! Im gonna make him every kind of food you can possibly think of! Hes been living on bread an potatoes so far and I know some mac'n'cheese is gonna hit the spot! LOL Thanks so much for listening and keep praying! Every day will be better and better and better. God bless you! Have a safe day!

Yes, Brooke. Nick is going to get out of jail. John is going to make a miraculous recovery and run into your arms. Then a pink pony with golden wings will take the three of you to a beautiful crystal palace. All the "JELIS H8RS" will turn into worms and you'll spend the afternoon feeding them to fluffy birds with diamond beaks. I swear. It must be nice living on Planet Dumb Fuck.

In addition to the bread and potatoes, I'm sure Nick also had plenty of sausages and dick cheese.

Pamela Anderson is off in England pimping out her boring ass reality show "Girl On The Loose" aka "Loosey Goosey" and she was asked how she feels about one of the UK's biggest famewhores Katie Price.

Pammy tells The Sun, "I have no idea how she became famous. She shows off her kids all the time in TV shows - that's beyond low. I’d never do that. Kids can’t make that decision at that age, can they?"

This is coming from a ho whose kids can open up their lap tops, type in a few words and see their mother and father doing gross shit on the internets. I'm going to side with Katie on this one. If she didn't whore out her kids on TV, we'd never see Harvey's precious face. That would be just wrong. I mean, we'd never have amazing and magical moments like this one (yes, I'm posting it again):

It's bad enough that I'm forced (yes, forced) to watch Mop Head's fugly ass on DWTS twice a week, but now I have to listen to her bitch and moan about being called a fat ass. I've got news, bitch. You are FAT! Fat in the hair!

CHERYL BURKE is boo-hooing about being called a lard butt by bloggers. Don't you even look my way. I never called this slag "fat." I might have said that her back fat could feed a small nation or that when she rubs her thighs together butter is made, but I never called her fat. The dumb ho is talking about somebody else.

Mop Head opened up her mouth and said, “I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful. There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life. People expect to see you at a certain weight and when you gain a few pounds then all of a sudden it’s the talk of the week. People will always have an opinion about you, whether it’s good or it’s bad. But most important is to have a secure feeling about yourself and know that you’re beautiful regardless of what people think of you. When I was younger, I wasn’t stick thin. I wasn’t tall. I don’t have long legs. I wasn’t naturally skinny. As I grew older, I just became more comfortable in my own skin.”

Talk of the week? The only douche talking about this is CHERYL BURKE. And I want to tell the kids and women out there that you are beautiful unless your name is CHERYL BURKE!

Below is pictures from this past July of Mop Head annoying the sea creatures of Malibu.

The National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Rachael Ray's doctors found a growth on her throat that requires surgery and will leave her silent for two months. Oh. I just learned I have telekinetic powers, because I know exactly what you're thinking and I couldn't fucking agree with you more.

Well, Rachael says the Enquirer is lie-telling and her chicken pot pie hole won't be shut for two months.

E-V-O-that-sucks.

However, Rachael is having a minor surgery to remove a benign cyst on her vocal cord. A friend says she's not sick and is totally fine. Her spokeswhore tells People, "It's a common in-and-out procedure that she will have in early December and it will not adversely effect any of her daytime show or Food Network tapings."

Well, it's lovely to know that we'll still be subjected to Rachael's beautiful sandpaper trucker voice for years to come! I can just listen to her talk all day long. I can't get enough. Rachael can blab while I put rusty nails in my eyes. When I put hot knives in my ears, she can keep talking. She can even keep yapping while I stick acid covered needles in my pee hole. I can listen to her forever and ever and ever..... until Hell finally takes pity on me and swallows me whole.

Alli Sims, just one the Cheeto sucking leeches who used to be in Brit Brit's life, has been banned from seeing her cousin by Daddy Spears. When Daddy Spears took over as Brit's new brain, he kicked out everyone including Alli.

Alli tells Page Six, "I have no idea when I'll see her again. I miss her every day. When Britney's dad gained control, he put some rules down . . . it's just best for her to not communicate with a lot of people. My main concern is her being OK."

Let me go a little off-topic for a bit. Whenever I see the name "Alli Sims," I immediately think of chunky skid marks and digested pizza grease. It's funny, because I don't think of this "shit" when I see the name Alli with a different last name. Coincidence? I think not.

Anyrunnyshit, I'm sure Alli misses the always available meds, knowing Brit's ATM code and the never-ending supply of Frapps. I'm sure she thinks of this whenever she's bussing tables at Waffle House. And speaking of characters from Brit Brit's past....where in the mangy ass hell is London?!

Here's Alli's former cash cow in NYC last night at then at JFK this morning. ROOTS!!!

In the new InStyle Magazine, Meg Ryan opens up her swollen pussy lips to blab about her fucked up marriage to Dennis Quaid. Meg yapped that she wasn't the only one who cheated..blah...blah...blah! The bitch must have an alarm that goes off every few years reminding her to talk about this shit again.

Dennis Quaid isn't letting Meg's latest rant go without commenting on it. Dennis tells Rush & Molly: "It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship. Also, I find it regrettable that our son, Jack, has to be reminded in a public way of the turmoil and pain that every child feels in a divorce. I, myself, moved on years ago and am fortunate to have a happy, beautiful family."

They both whored around during their marriage. We all know this and we don't need to hear it anymore unless they bring something new to the table like a sex tape. A sex tape with Dennis, I mean. I don't need to see Meg Ryan's moldy apple pie.

The next time Meg goes to the plastic surgeon's office she needs to ask him to use a little fishing wire to sew up her trout lips. That way she'll stop talking about something that happened 8 years ago. Speaking of her bloated vag lips, a source also tells R&M that Meg isn't using botox to plump them up. She injects her lips with fat taken from her ass. I need correct myself then. Before I said she had "swollen pussy lips" and "bloated vag lips." That was wrong of me. She really has puffy anal gland lips.

When Meg Ryan's marriage to Dennis Quaid ended in 2000, everyone figured it had to do with her fucking Russell Crowe without permission. Meg confirms to InStyle (via UsWeekly) that she wasn't the only one participating in dishonest fucking. Haven't we heard this before? Oh well, let's hear it again!

Meg was somehow able to open up her lips and say: "Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful. I found out more about that after I was divorced."

She went on to say that Russell had nothing to do with her marriage going down the toilet. "“I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out.”

"My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. As painful as it was, it was also incredible liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought."

She's right. I've said it before and I'll say it again, being a moral-free slut is the only way to go. Your genitals will thank you for it.

And Meg, we get it. Dennis' wandering peen caused you great pain. Stop talking about it. Instead, explain to us why your face looks like a rubber glove filled with KY. After you answer that, tell us why the edges of your mouth look like they are being pulled by fish hooks.

It looks like it's going to be another dog caca-filled week here on Dlisted. That's pretty appropriate, actually. Anyfeces, a judge in Los Angeles has evicted Dane Cook from his apartment, because he won't pick up after his dog's shitty ass even though his neighbor's filed several complaints.

Dane is appealing the judge's decision and claims that if he leaves that apartment, he will suffer emotional distress and his career will tank. You see, Dane said he only lives there, because John Belushi and Steve Martin used to live in the same building. Dane states in the documents, "I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration."

Umm....Dane's career is headed for the dog shit bin regardless if he lives in that apartment or not.

Dane went on to spew, "In the same way that writers can get writer's block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and 'stories'; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I've seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

If he's allowed to stay, Dane will pay $40,000 to the owner of the apartment building for doggy poop damages.

I see what he's doing here. The judge better see through this bitch's fuckery and charge him with being a grade A asshat. That shit is punishable by life in a prison cell filled with dog diarrhea. Dane probably didn't even write that crap himself.

And I don't blame his dog for having the mega shits. Anybody would get a bad case of the runs from being around Dane that much.

Source: TMZ