Shut Your Hole

This one again. Miley Cyrus is doing that thing everyone has told her not to do: TALK! In the new issue of Teen Vogue (via Page Six), Disney's #1 whore is gnawing at the hand that feeds her sugar cubs and carrots. Miley gave her thoughts on Alice in Wonderland, "It's such a perverted movie. It's all about Ecstasy. I swear! Look it up online."

Well, I looked it up online and found that Lewis Carroll wrote the book in 1865, the movie came out in 1951 and Ecstasy didn't start making the rounds until years later. Miley Cyrus is a stupid bitch. I swear! Look it up online.

You know what's really perverted? The fact that this pork rind dust for brains hillbilly is making trillions of dollars. That's what's really perverted.

And I'm not a professor like Miley, but I'm pretty sure the Hannah Montana movie is all about CACA. Again, look it up online if you don't believe me.

The Grand Marshall of Assholes, Billy Bob Thornton, became dick bag of the week in Canada (and the world) after he forgot to take the tampon out of his asshole before a radio interview with CBC's Jian Ghomeshi. Click here to relive the douchery if your chosen fuck hole is feeling extra dirty today.

The night of the interview, Billy Bob and his stupid band opened for Willie Nelson in Toronto. They were welcomed with the sweet sound of booooooos. Mostly because during that pube-killing interview, Billy Bob called Canadians "mashed potatoes with no gravy." Billy Bob later tried to play it off like he didn't mean all Canadians, just Jian. Billy didn't appreciate Jian bringing up his stupid movie career when he was specifically told not to. Blah. Caca. Who cares.

It was too fucking late for Billy Bob's hollow explanations anyway. The lame goat already fucked himself. And he got ass fucked again by a symphony boos. Just call him Billy BOOOO Thornton.

The boos must have made Billy Bob cry into his soggy peen all night, because his band canceled the rest of their Canadian dates. They were supposed to play Montreal and London, but the shows will not go on. Their spokesbitch insists it isn't because Billy Bob got his ass booed. They issued this statement: "It is absolutely not because of the CBC interview. One of the band members and several of the crew have the flu and need a couple of days off to recuperate. Billy does not have the flu. The band is only concerned about giving the audience the best show possible, and when one of them is down with the flu, they can't do that. As Billy said before and during the show last night, he loves Canada."

If booing his fugly ass is all it takes for Billy Bob to quit a country, then I say we all should pucker up our lips and serenade him with BOOOOOOS! Bitch will be chased out of every country and eventually end up living in a cave in Antarctica or some shit. It won't take long before the penguins will find his ass and they will find a way to boo through their beaks. Let's boo him off this fucking planet.

And someone really needs to ask Billy Bob if Tom Petty would cancel shows after getting booed? What would Tom Petty do?

Source: The Star

That's really the only way to describe Billy Bob Thornton's interview on the CBC this morning with Jian Ghomeshi. Who queefed in his Malt-O-Meal, because Billy Bob was an asshole from the beginning. The dude was there to talk about his stupid trash band and acted like he would rather be getting his ass eaten by Cujo! When Jian asks Billy a clear question, he acts like he doesn't understand the question. That broken down goat needs to clean the douche nuggets out of his ears if he can't hear the question correctly.

Billy's band went on tour with Willie Nelson and he claims he never met the man. Please, Billy, if you don't want to be there, just slither back down the snake hole you came from and spend your days fucking yourself with the vile of Angie Jo's blood that you always keep up your ass crack. When you go to interviews, they will ask you questions. Imagine that!

For the rest of the interview, Billy Bob continues to be a sarcastic and egotistical piece of shit. Who does he think he is? Joaquin Phoenix?!

Billy Bob admits that he's pissed off, because Jian brought up his movie career when the producers were told not to mention it. Jian wins the prize here, because he kept his cool and didn't kick Billy in the mouth hole.

And Tom Petty should take a restraining order out on Billy, because bitch is obsessed with him. Billy Bob totally has Tom Petty posters covering his bathroom walls at home.

You might want to get on the phone with your travel agent right now to book a trip to the extremely beautiful paradise Guantánamo Bay, because it will be the travel destination of the year! Miss Universe agrees, because she recently paid a visit and never wanted to leave!

The New York Times says The Miss Universe Organization sent to the detention center in Cuba to meet the U.S. soldiers and their families. Two days ago, she blogged about it on her website, but it was taken down yesterday. You can read the whole entry here, but I've capped some of the more WTFish quotes a bit below:

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.

I can't even... Okay, in her defense, she's fucking stupid and can't help it. But seriously, I think she was mostly talking about the town itself when she says it was "beautiful" and "relaxing." I think.....

After The Miss Universe Organization took down the post, they issued this statement: "Dayana Mendoza’s comments on her blog were in reference to the hospitality she received while meeting the members of the U.S. military and their families who are stationed in Guantánamo."

Methinks they should just keep Miss Universe away from anything that causes her to put thoughts together. Just smile, wave, play with cute doggies, smile, wave, play with cute doggies.....

Gisele Buttchin galloped on in and snatched Tom Brady away from Bridget Moynahan, and now the evil horsey lady has her eye on something else that belongs to Bridge: her fucking baby! Bridge was carrying Tom's baby friend in her body when he left her ass for Gis. Now Gis is telling Vanity Fair that she's bonded with Tom's kid, John, and thinks he's hers.

Gis told the magazine, "I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that. But to me, it's not like because somebody else delivered him, that's not my child – I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that's important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he's my son, from the first day. He's a little angel – the sweetest, most cuddly, loving baby. I feel blessed to have him in my life."

You know Gis went on to say, "And it's totally hot, because I have a baby friend of my own now and I didn't even have to get really fat, smelly and gross. No pregnancy farts for me! And my chocha is tighter and fresher than ever! Yay me!"

THIS BITCH! Bridge, come grab this horse by the mane and lead her to water. Then stick her head in there and don't fucking let go until she stops this foolishness! Seriously, face fuck her with a pile of sugar cubes, because this bitch is trying to start something.

If my stepmother said this kind of shit, I'd hide her fake leg again! No, my stepmother was not Heather Mills. Yes, she belongs to the same Cunts With No Leg club.

The walking and talking Reno, NV ash tray known as Katherine Hagel is speaking out about the rumors that she wants to scoot her ass off of Grey's Anatomy. At the show's 100th episode party last night, Katherine said she'll stay on the show as long as they have her, ''I'm there if Izzie remains part of Grey's Anatomy." Shonda Rhimes, that's your cue to let go off the rope and cackle as the ax falls on that bitch!

Katherine also told The New York Times that making millions of dollars stinking up movie sets during her Grey's hiatus is fucking exhausting, but she's willing to do it. The hag said, ''I'm more than happy to make that compromise. As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems. I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two."

If Hagel pulled her ugly head out of her asshole long enough to have a conversation with a real person she would find out that working 12 months out of the year is called a fucking JOB! Imagine that! The poor little hag! Being forced to work 12 months out of the year is so hard, but having to look at her annoying face 12 months out of the year is even worse!

It's about that time for your weekly eyeball calisthenics, because Blohan is speaking from her farts again. Reading this whole interview she gave to E! News seriously gave me a major work out. My eyeballs are fucking buff now and I almost have a damn six-pack from laughing so hard.

Eff the gym today, just read this mess. Just make sure you aren't eating a sandwich or sucking on a dick, because you might choke on it. The lil' cokey fauxmosexual lays it on thick. I bolded the truly hilarious parts for you to tell your friends at Happy Hour tonight. They'll cackle until they barf.

On fighting with her partner in pussay :
"They need to stop saying we're fighting. People telling lies about me to her and all this garbage. I'm really a good person and I have a good heart and just want to work. The only reason I go to clubs is to hear Samantha spin or be normal."

On being a cracked out, boozed up piece of trash:
"I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie. I love to act and write and be creative, and I want to help people by playing characters that can send a positive message out to whomever may need it."

On growing up:
"I move forward and I change. Life's too short not to. If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting."

On the future:
"I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, ake music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be."

On being a classy, tactful...I can barely type this shit:
"With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything. No. 1 is perfect, and perfect is impossible. You have to make mistakes to learn so that you can grow up and live your life the right way. Things happen, and you have to move on, be strong and believe in yourself. It would be really nice if people would believe in me."

Oh, I believe in you. I believe that you're a crackwhoreslutbitchskank who will suck off a squirrel who suffers from halitosis of the peen for just one meth hit. But that's your charm!

Seriously, that interview had so many great lines. It's like Christopher Guest wrote that shit! CLASS?! DON'T DO DRUGS?! FANS?!

Oh, someone's been cutting her bad shit with a little of that delusional dust.

What fart bubbles are blowing out of Fishstick Paltrow's mouth today? Well, Fishy commented on the state of her co-star Joaquin Phoenix. Fishy worked with the king of the hobo rap circuit on his last movie. When asked about his new (and totally fake) career, Fishy told MTV (via People), "I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper. It seems kind of odd."

Fishy is friends with Jay-Z, so this makes her a professor of hip-hop. That's why it's no wonder that MTV asked her what advice she has for Joaquin, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe."

That is fucking excellent advice Fishy! No wonder you're the master at everything. You know, I think you should escort Joaquin to the projects. While he gets some authenticity, you can get your ass kicked! Maybe that will force the snobbery stick to finally fall out of your ass.

And for those of you that think Fishy was joking, this hag doesn't joke. Just read POOP. It's obvious that shit was created by a goopy bitch who doesn't have any sense of humor or reality.

Matthew Goode, star of that Watchmen shit, has a little something to say haters who think he's the wrong bitch for the role of Andrew Veidt/Ozymandias. Put a panty pudding-proof towel under your chair, because I know how you whores get when a dude talks dirty. Filthy.

According to The Sun, Matthew said, “The negative feedback is relayed by my friends. I think the fanboys aren’t particularly happy – there are a load of people they’d have rather had in before me It’s already being slated before they’ve seeing anything. But if fanboys still hate the film after going and seeing it, they can all line up and suck my dick. I don’t give a fuck. I’m having a child and that’s more important to me – so I don’t give a fuck. Grow a dick.”

Don't threaten me with a good time, Matthew. YOU SUCK! And now I will, thank you very much. A promise is a promise.

And if I tell Matthew he's a caca stain on modern cinema, will he pull my hair a bit? What if I say they should have called it WatchSHIT, will he throw in a dick slap? Also, what do I have to say to get to trim his ring of nipple hair?

I feel like Matthew needs to pass out a menu, because I want to know what my options are.

TOP CHEF SPOILER ALERT! You've been warned! Okay, nobody talks shit about Miss Carla. Nobody. That is a crime and the punishment is a lapdance from Hosea. Hosea is the worst.

As you know, our rainbow-hearted Angel lost last night and my middle finger is pointing right at that cunt Casey. Casey sabotaged the nicest person on TV and she knows it. Casey effed Carla up from the souffle to that meat in a Ziploc bag shit! Seriously, shake and bake is gourmet cuisine?

Casey is stabbing Carla in the back with a rusty knife yet again! This nasty ass witch went off on Carla to SideDish. This is the hateful trash she said about Beeker's precious baby:

Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.

She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!

I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.

Casey, the color of jealousy completely clashes with your cunty smile. This is not a good look. You know, Casey reminds me of Aniston just a wee bit. It makes sense that she would be so damn jealous of Carla. Carla is the spitting image of Angelina Jolie and Casey can't take it.

But seriously, why didn't Casey storm judges table and say this shit during the finale?! The ho could never say this to Carla's sunshine face. Casey hugged Carla and pretended like they were two cuddly kitten friends. HOODY HOO! This bitch needs a cheese course to the face! That didn't really sound like a mean threat, right? It sounds kind of delicious.

VIA ONTD