Shut Your Hole

Things you shouldn't see while sober: Lady CaCa on the cover of Rolling Stone with queef bubbles floating out of her crotch. Calgon, take her the fuck away already!

If Bette Midler circa 1978 and a special needs bull dog mated at Chernobyl......

The only thing that rises when I think of Lady CaCa is my fist, because it wants to punch her in the mouth. And here's a quote from the magazine that might make you to do the same: “I don’t feel like I look like the other perfect little pop singers. I think I’m changing what people think is sexy.”

VIA Jezebel (Thanks Al)

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace's voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you're still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that's a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn't stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

When did Jessica Biel become such an asshole? Does this have something to do with the fact that she's sucking on Justin Timberlake's soggy tampon? I mean, Jessica already said that she's too beautiful to get auditions (aka her massive low hangers get in the way). Now Jessica is saying that she spends a long time getting ready every day, because she knows the paparazzi follow her and she doesn't want to see fugly pictures of herself in magazines.

The DVD actress farted to Allure Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), "It's wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It's bizarre. The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like shit going to the dentist, but only if I didn't care what I saw in the papers."

This hag should be thankful that she's in ANY magazine besides back issues of the Pitt Bull Reporter. And I'll leave the rest of my comments to myself and just let the picture above do all the talking.

It's time to gargle your private areas with a daily dose of the feminine hygiene product that is John Mayer. This morning, John's homemade brew has a heaping dose of delusion which will make your 'gina extra squeaky. Yesterday, John hopped on his Twitter and defended himself to the haters who think he's the biggest douchebag who ever douched. John is trying to convince us that he's not a box of Summer's Eve, but he basically confirmed that he is indeed a platinum card-carrying member of The Big Douche Club with just a few simple posts:

"I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn't. Let's hammer this out today. Long before 'douches' and 'famewhores' there were these people called 'showbiz types.' Showbiz types' are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet. Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much. So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation's tapestry. I'm a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!! (of 1,090,466, seventeen stand and applaud wildly). That was interesting...I'm off to work. Enjoy the rest of your day."

Wait. Hmmmmm. Maybe John is right. He looks like he smells like backed-up shit, so maybe he's a used enema instead of a douche. Glad we cleared that up. And John might also be right about another thing. Take a peek at all the bitches he has dated. I know that #4 is your fantasy girl, so John was speaking the truf. So recognize your hate and deal with it!

VIA UsWeekly

Jessica Biel has been drinking way too much ice cold delusional juice, because the dude is going around telling Allure Magazine that she's too beautiful to get cast in movies. Somebody please take the tampon out of Justin Timberlake's ass and hit Jessica over the head with it. Bitch has lost it.

Jessica says that she can't even get auditions, because casting directors can't get past her mind-boggling beauty. Personally, I think they just can't get past the giant penis between her legs, but that's just my guess. Jessica said, "Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt. I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No. I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me! But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

Everything I needed to know about Jessica's acting, I learned in Summer Catch. True story. But maybe, Jessica has a point. I mean, there's really no gorgeous actresses working in Hollywood today. Halle Berry? FUGLY! Charlize Theron? GROTESQUE! Penelope Cruz? DON'T MAKE ME CHOKE ON MY OWN BARF DUE TO HER HIDEOUSNESS! Kate Winslet? STAB ME IN THE EYES!

The truth of the matter is, Jessica Biel isn't getting auditions, because she has the acting skills of a parched crotch berry.

VIA UsWeekly

Megan Fox also loves to vomit out words during interviews. Megan is really starting to get to me. If she wasn't such a big slut who loves to roll around in the f word all day long, I would completely write her off. Seriously, read the latest eye-rolling quote from Megan:

“It pisses me when people fucking complain that I'm too beautiful to get a part. That's bullshit. You wouldn't be working if you weren't attractive. Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of. And if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all.”

I also think her no-gag-reflex is another the reason why she works, because we know she's not getting cast in movies because of her acting skills. Megan is the only one who can make CGI robots look like they have the acting skills of Meryl Streep.

Megan also brought out more of her favorite word when talking about why she tries to stay away from the Hollywood life:

“Because if it was – if I wasn't making that decision I wouldn't, I would be fucking, not literally fucking away my career, but I'd be shitting away my career.”

Um. Megan is pretty much shitting away her career by continuing to act in movies. Homegirl better keep that 'gina tight, because it's only a matter of time before she has to start selling that shit to the highest bidder to pay the rent!

And Megan's rant had enough of the fuck word, but needed a little bit of the cunt word. Megan, work on that!

VIA The Sun

This is what spotlight slut Lisa Rinna told Entertainment Tonight when they asked her about the swine flu: "I believe we all, except for myself, had the swine flu at our house. How do you know it's the swine flu? I don't know but we had all the symptoms. We had it before it came out. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. We had it at our house, I believe, and everyone is fine."

We had it before it came out? Is she tickling our asses? Isn't Lisa kind of admitting that she's the cause of it all? Everyone had except for Lisa, because she IS the swine flu. I mean, it makes sense. Her lips look like the swollen anal glands of a pot-bellied pig. Except these swollen anal glands still manage to push out caca nuggets. Yes, I do believe Lisa Rinna is the swine flu. Quarantine the bitch!

Here is your morning mug of piping hot laughs brought to you buy the whorey walrus that is Kim Kardassian! Yesterday, Kim posted this shit from UsWeekly about Forever 21's new plus-size line which mentioned her and it really made her fat ass boil in anger (smells like charred jizz and rancid hamburger meat). Kim carefully placed her mountain-with-a-mudslide ass on the keyboard and her let butt lips do the writing:

I feel that this clipping from Us Magazine is a bit misleading, so I wanted to comment on it.

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

For the record, you are a size DUMB WHORE. Seriously, a SIZE 2?! Maybe if you take two size 2s and sew them together, you could cover one of her chunky ass cheeks. MAYBE. Does this trick shop at Jennifer Love Hewitt's favorite store: Big, Short & Delusional? Kim proves that queefing out random numbers is nothing but fun!

This stupid Monday-to-Friday skeezer makes no sense. She loves her curves, yet being considered "full-figured" is offensive? You know what's offensive? Kim Kardashian! UsWeekly never even called her plus-sized. Obviously, bitch needs to get a dude to piss in her ear again, because her one brain cell needs cleaning.

Khloe Kardashian, bring your "full-figured" ass over here and stomp on this pinche heffer!

The mixture of roids and peroxide has fried most of Hulk Hogan's brains including his filter, so that's why fucked up shit tends to come out of his mouth freely. In the new Rolling Stone (via Page Six), Hulk says that after seeing his estranged wife Linda Hogan fuck on a young piece of jerky, he understands why OJ went on a stabbing rampage. If the bandana don't fit, you must acquit!

Hulk said, "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

I'm sure Hulk's Brooke Hogan look-alike girlfriend is there to lick the tears of pain off of his erect clit nips. I know what Hulk is saying, but he's too stupid to word it the right way. I mean, what if Linda and her mantoy were out hiking in the hills and some coyote with blonde hair mauled them? The police would see two bloody bodies covered in raggedy blonde hair and point directly at Hulk!

Besides, if Hulk really wants to do harm to someone he doesn't need to stab them. Just make them watch Mr. Nanny.

This one again. Miley Cyrus is doing that thing everyone has told her not to do: TALK! In the new issue of Teen Vogue (via Page Six), Disney's #1 whore is gnawing at the hand that feeds her sugar cubs and carrots. Miley gave her thoughts on Alice in Wonderland, "It's such a perverted movie. It's all about Ecstasy. I swear! Look it up online."

Well, I looked it up online and found that Lewis Carroll wrote the book in 1865, the movie came out in 1951 and Ecstasy didn't start making the rounds until years later. Miley Cyrus is a stupid bitch. I swear! Look it up online.

You know what's really perverted? The fact that this pork rind dust for brains hillbilly is making trillions of dollars. That's what's really perverted.

And I'm not a professor like Miley, but I'm pretty sure the Hannah Montana movie is all about CACA. Again, look it up online if you don't believe me.