Shut Your Hole

Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.

So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.

And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.

I will admit that when I'm watching a movie in a theater and some dumb ass whore is yapping away like they are sitting in their damn living room, I think to myself, "Damn. I want to turn this straw into a shank and stab this bitch in the mouth!" Well, some dude in Philadelphia had even worse thoughts and carried that shit out!

29-year-old James Joseph Cialella was arrested after he shot a dude in the damn arm for running his mouth during a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philadelphia on Christmas Day. I think James Joseph Cialella just became an honorary Brangaloonie for busting a bitch during Brad's movie!

Police say that James asked a family sitting in front of him to shut their damn mouths during the movie. They didn't stop, so he threw popcorn at their asses. When that didn't shut their mouth holes, James got up and approached the family. James had words with the father, the argument got physical and that's when he pulled out a gat and shot the man in his arm. After James put a bullet in the father's arm, he sat back down and continued to watch the movie like nothing happened. The victim was taken to the hospital and James was arrested. He was charged with with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

DAMN! Hood rat stuff to the extreme. Over Benjamin Button? I mean, what the fuck? Maybe James has a strange fetish for Brad Pitt in old face. I could see beating a ho over Showgirls or Marley & Me (BURN!!!), but Benjamin Button?! I swear, some people should not be allowed to leave the comfort of their own padded room. James shouldn't even be allowed to carry a watergun anymore. Talk about over-fucking-reacting.

This also serves as a warning to me, because I'm one of those bitches who tells whores to shut their fat lips during movies. I've been known to throw in a "Eat your tongue, cunt!" or "Shut the fuck up" to bitches who are ruining my theater going experience. The next time I do that shit, I could get shot in the arm! That must suck, laying there with a bleeding arm, thinking that the last thing you'll ever see is Brad Pitt with pepaw face. Sad!

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Pete Wentz is officially an annoying Simpson. He should legally change his last name to Simpson, because he belongs to them. He confirmed this shit by continuing to talk about crap nobody wants to hear coming from his pussy lips. Pete has already told us that he does it in Ashlee Simpson's buttgina and now he's talking about licking on her breast leche. Somebody needs to fart in this bitch's mouth already to shut him up.

On yesterday's Morning Mash Up show on Sirius radio, Pete described Ashlee's rancid titty milk, because we all wanted to know. Yes, while you're drinking that cup of coffee in your hand, I'm sure you were wondering what it would taste like with a little Ashlee Simpson chichi juice in it. Well, let Pete describe it for you: "Can I tell you, I've tasted it. My mom was sitting here, I swear to God she was sitting here and she's like 'It's the sweetest milk on the planet, you can't even...' - I was like 'What are you talking about?' It kind of tasted, I don't really know how to explain what it tasted like - it's kind of soury weird milk. The baby loves it, it's the only thing he's had a chance to have."

No, the baby has also had a heaping serving of piping hot bullshit every time you open your fugly mouth hole! Pete also continued to vomit up caca words by talking about the "luxury" of breastfeeding:

"I gained 10 pounds at least. I usually hang out around 135, 134, I go up to about 140, and when I hit 148, I get fat face. I’m working out a little bit, trying…I mean last night I decided to eat Virgil’s [BBQ] at midnight which is never a good idea…I’m feeling that a little bit today. For the most part, we’re going on walks – that kind of stuff. I think it comes off easier for her because she gets to breast feed and I don’t have the luxury of doing that."

SPOILER ALERT, Pete! You already have fat in the fucking mouth. Please take your fat mouth to the nearest fat farm and just stay there. Put your fat mouth on the damn treadmill.

Why hasn't Papa Joe done something with this douche? I mean, he finally has a reason to stick his soggy dick into Pete's mouth to stop the words from coming out. That's right, Papa Joe! Pull down and whip it out, because now is your chance to finally mouth slap Pete with your clammy worm peen.

VIA PopWrap and UsWeekly

Okay, if you want to breastfeed your kid until he graduates high school, fine. It's your titty milk, it's your kid, have at it! But don't think that bitches want to hear about that shit. Especially, when your son can talk about it.

Pregnant Kelly Rutherford, aka forever Megan Lewis to me, told UsWeekly (via P6) that she still squirts leche for her talking 2-year-old son Hermes and she loves it. She said, "It's an amazing bond with your child. I was thinner after my pregnancy than before, and I think a lot of it was the nursing."

When you can make small-talk with your son while he's sucking on your nip, maybe it's time to invest in a bottle or two. Actually, I shouldn't judge. At least Hermes can tell Kelly if her breast milk is too warm or rancid tasting. That way she can go stick her titty in the fridge for a few minutes.

Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie both have a line of headbands out and Mischa's got her cellulite in a twist, because she wants Nicole to step off her idea. Some bitch told Star Magazine (via Popcrunch), “Mischa is furious. She feels like Nicole completely copied her idea.”

I'm furious at both of these fugly ass slugs for trying to compete with the world's only premiere headband designer! Look at this hot slut below! How can you compete with this? Mischa and Nicole both need to take their headbands, shove it up their asses and leave headband designing to the real artist!

If Pocahontas was alive today, she would get on her knees and pay homage to headband design genius Phoebe Price!

Images: Wenn, Wireimage

Get out the Bounty and wipe the crocodile tears off your face, because Raffaello Follieri is not having a lovely autumn. Why you ask? It's because he's in fucking prison! Duh. What the hell did he expect? A merry gay orgy with endless supplies of lube, Baby Wipes and Donna Summer? WRONG. He got the gay orgy but without the lube.

Raffy Fullofshitti was sentenced to 4.5 years in the chokey for messing with Jesus. Raffy is currently being held at some joint in Brooklyn waiting to be moved to his permanent home. Even though his current home is temporary, he's still bitching about it. Raffy's lawyer filed a motion with the judge asking for her client to be moved, because his current cell conditions are gross.

He's bitching that the toilets are nasty, there's shit in the showers, rats are running around everywhere, the food is rotten, the stench is unbearable and he has to share a cell with 120 other dudes. That shit sounds better than some of the NYC apartments I've lived in!

His lawyer also said that the conditions have made him sick, causing him to run a fever. There's also blood in his piss. Wait. Has he ever fucked Wonky McValtrex?

Wah! Wah! Wah! Yeah, I'm sure he would rather be sleeping in a KMart bathroom (that shit is wretched), but such is life. He just needs to stick a finger in his brown eye, make himself another grilled cheese sandwich on the radiator and shut his Zach Braff-wannabe lips.

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Please, close the gate of that crackhead's mouth too....

Blaaaake barely got out of the chokey and he's already posing for pictures and running his crackhole to the press. After he left prison, he told The Sun, "It’s tough inside — bloody horrible, but I’m out and that’s all that matters. It’s brilliant. I’m gonna get myself sorted. I’m gonna get my life back. I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down."

He better bring a metal bat, a string of garlic and a Hazmat crew with him when he pulls her panties down. Who knows what's hiding under there.

Blaaaake is currently drying out at a rehab facility in Surrey. He has to complete the program before he's reunited with his wife's crackbush. Hopefully, it swallows him whole when he greets it.

Saint Angelina floated into the Hollywood Film Festival Awards Gala last night surrounded by archangels and the audience "gasped" at the sight of her. I didn't make up that "gasp" part. A couple of people died too, but Saint Angelina's face veins didn't even move. She's used to it.

Saint Morticia was there to pay tribute to Clint Eastwood. She spoke about him, but nobody could understand the words that came out of her mouth, because it just sounded like a thousand angels singing in unison. Everyone's ear wax suddenly melted away. If there was a deaf person in the room, they would be able to hear again.

After the saint spoke, Pepaw Clint Eastwood dragged his corpse on stage to accept his award and drown Angie Jo in more compliments. He said, "Working with someone like Angelina Jolie is a great privilege, because you get to look on that gorgeous beauty every day. And she's a great talent."

Why must Clint always tell us this? WE KNOW! It's been tattooed into our brains that she's a stunninggorgeousbeautifulperfectalloftheabove goddess who queefs holy water. And anybody who thinks otherwise has already been informed that they will spend eternity in hell. I've already received my plane ticket for flight #666.

Here's a few more of the pepaw zombie and the holy hunchback wax figure last night.

Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that's the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn't talk to the media. The hell?

Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I've learned that now."

Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there's no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that's burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!

VIA UsWeekly

Clear the streets and stay indoors, because Nick Hogan is getting out of jail tomorrow after serving 166 jail dicks days of an 8-month sentence. Brooke Hogan wrote about his release on her MySpace blog and called out the "JELIS H8RS" who talk shit on her precious family.

Brooke tucked in her dick, crossed her legs, sat at the computer and typed out this shit:

There have been a lot of supporters and a lot of haters that have come up to me and said things that have helped and things that made me feel like I couldn't make it through another day... Some people wish terrible terrible things on us and say the the most nasty comments that I can't even repeat on here... It really hurts. I understand people have their own opinion, but most of the people that come up to us don't know the whole story, or how much we really really love John. Its really sad, because were not bad people....were just going through a really hard time, and so is John's family. I feel sorry for the people who are misinformed because all they have to go off of is the media, which lets just face it, is NEVER a reliable source. Even the news, when that should be the most accurate...its probably the most far off. I didn't come on here to vent, and I know this still wont change peoples opinion or what they think about my family. But I know that you never really know, until you actually walk in someones shoes. And that goes in all directions. All I ask, is instead of making this harder, and putting evil things out there, you pray for John and for us, and leave words of inspiration. I know- like I know -like I know- John is gonna walk out of that hospital and things will be ok again. I know his strength and I know he can do it with our prayers...... To all the people who have been supportive- It has helped MORE than you will ever know. I can not thank you enough.....Please pray for my brothers safety too... this is a really tough time he has gone through and I know all he wants to do is show you, John and his family how much he cares and understands.

ok. Back to the happy stuff! .......I just can't wait to see my Nicky! Im gonna make him every kind of food you can possibly think of! Hes been living on bread an potatoes so far and I know some mac'n'cheese is gonna hit the spot! LOL Thanks so much for listening and keep praying! Every day will be better and better and better. God bless you! Have a safe day!

Yes, Brooke. Nick is going to get out of jail. John is going to make a miraculous recovery and run into your arms. Then a pink pony with golden wings will take the three of you to a beautiful crystal palace. All the "JELIS H8RS" will turn into worms and you'll spend the afternoon feeding them to fluffy birds with diamond beaks. I swear. It must be nice living on Planet Dumb Fuck.

In addition to the bread and potatoes, I'm sure Nick also had plenty of sausages and dick cheese.