Shut Your Hole

Vanilla Gorilla, who is fresh out of sex rehab, has something to say about Sandra Bullock divorcing his ass and raising a baby by herself. VG's statement is long, but the short version is: "Attention all tattooed whores who get wet at the mention of Mein Kampf, the line forms to the left!"

And here's the complete version courtesy of Sandra Bullock Weekly (aka People Magazine):

"My whole life has been full of hard decisions.

The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart.

Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.

I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about.

I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together."

Let Sandra end their marriage? Now I know he means that he's not contesting the divorce, but his choice of words make it sound like he's expecting Sandra to send him a teddy bear holding a heart-shaped "thank you" card. I really doubt Sandra send him an eVite that read, "Will you let me divorce you?"

It sort of reminds me of the time I caught a boyfriend cybersexing (it was the late 90s) with a bunch of bottom bitch whores all over the country. I changed his AOL (again, late 90s) password and security question, and then told all of his internet sluts to go cyber eat a different cyber dick. Well, bitch retaliated by throwing all my shit into the hallway of our apartment building when I wasn't home. When I got home that night, my stuff was everywhere in the hallway. My Barbie, my Tickle Me Elmo, my bag of flavored lubes...EVERYTHING!

Just when I was about to storm into the apartment to curse his ass out, he strolled out of the front door and said, "I packed for you. You're welcome." Before I could beat him in the face with Elmo (his cries of pain mixed with Elmo's cackle would've been sweet music to my ears), he looked me in the eye and said in a serious tone, "I saved you a lot of time." He later told me that he seriously felt he was doing me a favor by taking all my stuff out of the drawers for me. Bitch was, is and forever will be crazy.

I mean, I had to do the walk of shame to my car while holding a fucking Barbie. And not any Barbie, but a Cheerleader Barbie! Honestly, I wouldn't have been as mortified if it was a different kind of Barbie. Cheerleader Barbie? Embarrassing!

So fuck you, Vanilla Gorilla! Take my Cheerleader Barbie and shove it up your ass!

This is rich! Or should I say, this is reich! Bombshell McGee is the one who made this mess public when she sold her tales of the Vanilla Gorilla to InTouch Weekly for $30,000, and now she's throwing Sandra Bullock a flurry or "I'm sorries" for MAKING THIS PUBLIC!

This is the kind of bitch right here that will shank you in the asshole in front of everyone, watch you cry as your anus bleeds, and then hug you while telling you she's so sorry. Dies hündin!

In an interview with Australia's TodayTonight, Boobshit barfed out this nonsense: "I do feel guilty. I feed bad for Sandra. Wait, she doesn't have any Jewish blood in her, right?"

No, she didn't say that last part, but she was probably thinking it. Boobshit went on to say, "I'm sorry for your embarrassment. I'm sorry all this is public. I'm sorry for everything. She must be hurt, devastated, upset, embarrassed. I want to give her a heartfelt apology. I'm sorry for her embarrassment and pain. I do feel really bad about it. I feel like I was duped just as much as Sandra was. I feel like I was lied to just as much as she was. If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning, we wouldn't be in this situation."

Yes, I'm sure Bombshell cried a million tears of guilt when she deposited that $30,000 check into her account at the National Bank of Dumb Whores (my bank of choice). If Bombshell was a self-respecting whore with a drop of class, she wouldn't have went public. She would've simply rang up Vanilla Gorilla and demanded a dumpster load of cash in exchange for her silence. Didn't she watch Dynasty as a child?!

Obviously, Bombshell did it more for the publicity than the money. Don't you miss the days when whores weren't also famewhores? Sigh.

And I'm truly sorry for posting yet another picture of this rainbow of diarrhea. That was a heartfelt apology.

via E! Online

Miley Cyrus thinks that instead of reading this post on the internet you should be outside chewing a block of wood down at the dam and enjoying real-life! Miley used to be the Queen Twatter of Twitter, but she left all of that behind and has realized that her life is better now that her eyeballs (and other parts) aren't glued to the Internet all day long.

In an interview with Movieline, Miley talked about the dangers of the internet and how tweens are living their lives through Facebook. WARNING: Some of what Miley farts about might make sense to you. If you don't want to know what the feels like, stop reading now and go chew a block of wood instead.

Miley on Twatting: “I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing. I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing. So I was that person who was like, ‘I’m so sad. I have no real, normal life, everyone knows what I’m doing.’ And I’m like, well that’s my own fault because I’m telling everyone. And then I’d tweet, ‘I’m here,’ and I’d wonder why a thousand fans are outside the restaurant. Well, hello, I just told them. So I’m just, like, kind of thinking doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Everything I’m saying is not really going with what I’m putting on the internet."

Miley on how lame the Internet is: “I’m a lot less on my phone, I’m a little bit more social. I have a lot more real friends as opposed to friends who are on the internet who I’m talking to — which is like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real. I think everything is just better when you’re not so wrapped up in [the internet]. I just think it’s kind of lame. I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

Miley on how the Internet can murder your childhood: “I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Meanwhile, Noah Cyrus just uploaded a video of herself dancing around in a ruffled bikini to Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me."

Shortly after the earthquake in Haiti, Sean Penn jumped in his relief boat and headed over there to do some good. Unfortunately, the relief boat couldn't handle the weight of his ego and it sprung a leak causing Sean to jump ship.... Oh wait, that was New Orleans. Let me start over. After the earthquake in Haiti, Sean Penn brought 11 doctors, a few X-Ray machines and a ventilator over to set up a private relief organization. Sean did a good thing (delivered with zero shade).

But several critics blasted Sean and other celebrities like him for using tragedy to make their assholes look shinier. Others critics called the celebrities hypocritical for helping those in need, but then returning to their fancy castles made out of solid gold. Sean has a lovely message for those critics.

In an interview with CBS' Sunday Morning, Sean was asked about the haters and he responded with: "I guess I've been so away from it all-- and our tent camp in Haiti that I haven't had an awful lot of time to pay attention to them. You know, do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah. You know, but I'm not going to spend a lot of energy on it."

Rectal cancer? That's a new one. Since Sean Penn has a face like an engorged anal gland that is starting to crack open I would think he would be more respectful of the rectal area. Or maybe he secretly hates all rectal areas because he does have a face like an engorged anal gland and he's mad about that. I don't know.

But I do know that instead of scooting all over his good deed by wishing an agonizing death upon his critics, he simply should've pressed CLT+ALT+F+U and called it a day.

via UsWeekly

Since John Mayer's publicist is standing on a ledge somewhere and everyone is throwing shit bombs at his front door, he decided he should probably apologize for using the n-word during an interview with Playboy Magazine.

In the interview (click here for the full enema), John gave oral to his foot by saying that his penis is the president of the "I Heart David Duke" fan club. John also used the n-word when he farted about how black people love him so much that they gave him a "hood pass."

John said he was oh-so-sowwy on his Twitter page:

"Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I'm using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews. It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it's gotten out of hand and I've created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it. Again, because I don't want anyone to think I'm equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it..."

We don't have the stomach (or any other organ) for it either, John.

And don't be surprised when Summer's Eve announces they are officially changing their name to John Mayer's Eve.

This afternoon, you might have wondered why your mouth spontaneously broke into a smile for absolutely no reason at all. Well, there was a beautiful reason. Michael Lohan was throw into a jail cell! When I first read that headline, it felt like the angels were blowing lucite dust into my eyes!

TMZ says that Michael was put into handcuffs after he violated a restraining order by calling his ex-fiancee Erin Muller. Erin took out a restraining order against him last May after Michael threatened to kill her and himself.

Michael was charged with criminal contempt for trying to communicate with Erin by phone. Don't expect to find that recording on Radar anytime soon.

Michael was released a few hours later. Yeah, the jail warden should've dipped Michael's cell key in Fluff and swallowed it. The jail warden let us down. Although, even if the jail warden did make the key disappear, Michael could've used his big ass jaw to chisel the bars off.

In 2006, a tape featuring Kid Pebble and Scott Stopp (on purpose typo) getting their used tampons sucked by a bunch of skanky groupies made the internet rounds. In a new interview with Spin Magazine (via HuffPo), the Christian banger says that he did not have sex in the biblical sense on tape. You know, because it isn't considered "sex," unless it's in the missionary position, on your marital bed, with all the lights off and at least one of you are crying out of shame.

Scott told the magazine, "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks." I'll say it sucks.

Do we really need someone to sit Scott down, hold his hand and tell him how this "sex" thing works? Scott is probably one of those fucktards who thinks that sticking the tip in and twerking the dick just a little doesn't count as an intimate act. The bible says that when all else fails, just scream, "IT WAS JUST THE TIP!"

Scott Stump (another OPT) went on to fart that getting a dick job next to Kid Rock made things a little awkward between them, "What sucks about that is Bob -- Kid Rock -- and I were friends. He'd been over to my house and we jammed and hung out. We were in Tampa playing with Metallica, and I walked into his trailer and there were some strippers. It's a time in his life and a time in my life that we'd like to put behind us and not publicize because we have children now, and they're in school, and their friends read. I know he was pretty pissed off at me when that came out. We haven't sat down face-to-face. I did apologize to him that I didn't just burn that thing. I thought that was a skeleton in the closet that would never find the light of day."

But have they sat down face-to-ass? That was a trick question.

And in case you haven't seen this, here's the trailer for that never-released video of Scott and Kid Pebble not having sex with a bunch of strippers in a bus:

While Michael Lohan continues to pull secret recorded audio tapes out of his ass (a trick he learned in prison), White Oprah has ordered her attorneys, The Law Offices of Harvey Birdman, to stomp over to the Nassau County District Attorney's office. White Oprah believes that Michael Lohan broke a protective order by recording their telephone conversations.

TMZ reports that in 2005, a judge granted White Oprah a protective order against Michael Lohan, which stated that he cannot contact her by phone or e-mail until 2011. One of the tapes starring White Oprah was recorded in 2008, so Michael obviously said "fuck you" to the order. Michael could be sent back to a prison cell if he's convicted of shitting on the rules.

Don't get me wrong (even though I am all kinds of wrong), Michael Lohan should be licking butt sex gravy off of his cellmate's dick in prison, but what about White Oprah. Didn't she also bust through that protective order by picking up the phone or dialing Michael's number? They need to throw White Oprah's turkey jerky ass into Michael Lohan's cell. Those two skanks deserve each other. Let them eat each other alive.

Now I have an image of them simultaneously butt munching on each other. Why do I hate myself so much?

And for Michael Lohan's sake, I hope prison jumpsuits come with fancy turtlenecks.

Finally somebody has told Joe "Bitch Better Have My Money" Jackson to go play with a metal fork and a wall socket in the corner. TMZ reports that a Los Angeles judge has told Joe that he needs to get back out on the streets with the other pimps, because Michael Jackson's estate will not deposit an allowance into his checking account every month.

Last week, Joe filed papers requesting a piece of Michael Jackson's estate. Joe whined about how his expenses are more than $15,000 a month and Michael used to help him out when he was alive. Well, the judge threw that shit out in the back and told Joe he has no legal right to that cash.

Don't you shed a tear for Joe, I'm sure he'll find a way to keep his pockets full of dollars. Maybe the Haunted House at Disneyland will hire him to scare the dick off of bitches. Who needs an animatronic devil when you've got Joe Jackson? Satan would hire Joe to do some of his dirty work here on earth, but even he's afraid of his ass! Joe has got Satan running off in fear.

At NYC's Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he's beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here's what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne......on stage....in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on...

Jon on forgiveness: "It's hard for me because I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I'm sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Jon on Hailey Glassman: "We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you're going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I'm not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU." Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU."