Shut Your Hole

Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice, France held a fucking press conference today to show off the birth certificates of the twin messiahs aka Hard Knox and Vivie Jolie-Pitt. The hell?! Is this normal?

I'm surprised his ass didn't come prancing out with Saint Angelina's golden placenta in one hand and the chosen ones' umbilical cords in the other. Yeah, scratch that. They didn't have umbilical cords, because they dropped from the heavens above.

Mayor Christian told reporters, "On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sisters of the newborns who are [history won't forget it] real 'Niçois' ('citizens of Nice'). It's a pride to Nice and all its citizens."

Ok, how much did Brangelina pay his ass? I'm waiting for him to announce that they are changing the name of their city from Nice to Brangelinaville.

Not only did the mayor hold a press conference, but so did her doctor. Dr. Michel Sussmann said that Brad was in the room with Saint Angelina. He said, "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy." Dr. Michel went on to say that Brad even cut their umbilical cords. Okay, so they did have umbilical cords. Expect to see their crystal cords on eBay.

Who the hell is going to give a press conference next? The janitor?

I guess I should also take part in celebrating this totallyamazingspecialwonderfulfantasticholy day. I will celebrate by getting shitbombed for the second time today! Hooray! I wish everyday was Brangelina day!

Mitch Wino has officially become the White Oprah of Britain. This bitch just won't stop with his press releases and statements to the media. His statements always have "DUH" written all over them.

Mitch talked to BBC News about Wino's emphysema. He said, "I want people to understand - even if they give her one cigarette, they're causing her harm. My biggest fear is that she would die, but she won't die of a drug overdose. It won't be that quick. She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema... We would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air. I would ask any people who would supply her with substances to think on that."

Instead of giving ten million interviews a week, Mitch needs to stick a sausage in it and find ways to help his daughter. He's always telling the media that Wino's friends need to stop feeding her habit. Less talk, more action. I'd threaten to shank her friends or call the po-po on their skank asses. Shit, put her ass on "Intervention." Candy Finnigan will straighten her out.

He also said that Wino has 5 gigs between now and September. After September she won't perform for a while and instead will spend her time "relaxing and writing." Um...and doing crack. He forgot that one.

Here's Wino looking like a rockabilly chola hooker while leaving her house in Camden today.

Let's cut to the chase, White Oprah's cokey bull nostrils can probably blow better Ali Lohan can. The 45-year-old bitch can't sing, but thanks to modern technology, she sounds OK. "All the Way Around" is Ali's first single and I'm pretty sure this shit was originally written back in the 80s for Expose or the Cover Girls.

It's not completely atrocious. Oh, who am I fooling?! It's a vomit inducer for the ears! I can just picture that old bag with her 90s choker on whining into the microphone, while White Oprah tries to booty dance in the background. Nana sits in the corner with her vanilla wafers in one hand and her bong in the other.

VIA Mollygood

For their August issue, Out Magazine talked to the guyliner-wearing, walking vagina known as Pete Wentz aka Mr. Asshole Simpson. Since it's a gay magazine, Pete talked to them about all his gay experiences including kissing other douchebags.

Pete said, "When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was. Like, 'You make out with this dude and we'll make out.'" Pete first kissed a dude when he was around 16 or 17 on a dare. The last time he kissed a boy was around 7 years ago. You know Papa Joe was sitting in on that interview thinking, "He better not say shit about about our special times together!"

That quote just confirms that Pete is a first-rate mega douche. Pete went on to say that he's never gone below the belt with another dude, "It's really about the equipment. I really don't think it's an attractive quality. That's what it comes down to. I don't even like my own. Like, I really don't like it. I don't like anything about it."

Excuse me while I go have a heart attack and weep like Wino in front of an empty crackpipe.

Dick is not pretty?! Anybody that thinks dick is not pretty needs to go stick their head in a manhole (not that kind of man hole). Dick is a gorgeous thing. Good dick will make you praise Jesus in the morning. Good dick will make you punch a guppy in the face. Good dick will make you empty your checking account and sell all your belongings.

Dick is the most beautiful thing in the world. And I hate Pete Wentz for saying it isn't. I HATE HIM.