Fug

The Carol Channing of praying mantises and Jennie Garth walked in the Heart Truth's Red Dress fashion show yesterday and there was something different about Jennie's face. It's looking a little botoxy. Naw. That bitch thinks she's too good and wholesome for that shit. She probably just stared at Tori Spelling's face of fug too long. Every wrinkle on Jennie's face straightened out in fright. Tori should set up a booth. Just one long stare into Tori's fug mug and you'll have a face like a baby's ass.

I know, two Fishsticks Paltrow posts in a row, but these fugly leather diapers can't get away. They look like they're ready for a big, hot load of GOOP to drop right in them. Bitch has pancake crotch.

The last time I saw shorts like this was on a leather daddy who smartly accessorized with a harness, combat boots, a dog collar and a ball gag. That's what was missing from this retina-burning ensemble: a ball gag in Fishy's mouth! That would make me stand up, clap and fart out a GOOP nugget out of sheer happiness!

A couple that butchers their face together, stays together. That's always been my motto and that's why I think Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love make sense as a couple.

The Daily Mirror says that Loki's daddy and crazy's favorite customer have been licking on each other's surgery scars for the past three weeks. A source said, “Mickey texted Courtney totally out of the blue, around the time of the Golden Globes, asking to take her out for the night. They met up in secret and had an awesome evening. Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek."

I bet watching them fuck is like watching a hot dog slowly explode in the microwave.

But I'm sure they understand each other like no on else can. When his face spontaneously falls off the bone, Courtney will know exactly how to put it back on. When Mickey's asshole dries up and dies when Courtney is tossing his salad, they will just laugh it off together. When Mickey's jizz load refuses to come out because it's scared of the fugness, Courtney will understand. All these things have happened to them before, so they already know each other. That's true love.

Just as long as they don't spawn. Don't fucking spawn. If Eric Stolz in Mask still gives you night terrors, then pray to the Baby Jesus for strength, because a Courkey baby will make your stomach jump out of your body, run to the kitchen, grab a knife and poke your eyes out to stop the pain.

Here's Loki's new stepmommy, the Queen of Disaster, trolling around in London lst night.

I used to think that only Lisa Rinna's lips looked like a puss-filled, crusty roid, but now I think her whole face looks like it should be sitting comfortably inside a butt crack. The same goes for Nikki Cox. Why are these woman doing this shit? What do they have against looking pretty? Do they think they will get more attention if they look like they should be marinating in a tub of Preparation H? Well, it's working.

Although, in Nikki's defense, Jay Mohr is to blame. Fucking his stupid ass would turn anyone into a Klingon. When his peen goes in, your hotness gets sucked the fuck out.

Here's Lisa Rina, Nikki Cox and Nikki's dehydrated chichis at the Grammy Awards last night. And both of those dresses really belong on the Rock of Love Bang Bus.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

You know, I almost didn't know who this bitch was until I saw the sweaty pit drops on her dress and then I shouted, "IT'S FANTASIA!" I'd recognize those bawling pits from across the world! It's her signature and we should all slap our own pits in celebration, because bitch is consistently sweaty. But Fantasia did try to pull her mess together at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night in L.A. The dress was a step in the right direction, but bitch should have covered up those prison yard "practice tattoos." I will forgive her for that, because those yellow ass nails take her look to a whole new level of sophistication. They serve a dual purpose though. When Fanny goes to parties, she hates not having all her favorite sauces around while she's eating horsey dervies (that's what she calls them). So now, she can pour dipping sauces into each nail and all her favorite flavors are at her fingertips. Literally!

Whitney Houston was also at Clive's party last night and she sang. As usual, everyone said it was her triumphant return and she sounded glorious. If I took a crack hit for every time I heard that, I'd be as crazy as Bobby Brown. We get it. Whitney is back! And somewhere Jackie Collins is in a room shivering her ass off, because Whit stole her dress.

Below is a bunch of pictures of whores at last night's party. They are, in order: Fanny, Whit, JHud, Katy Perry, Queen Joan Collins, Chelsea Handler.... and... and.... Oh, who gives a fuck! Just click on a picture, say, "TRASH. NEXT!" and then move on to the next one. Repeat. When you get to Kelly Clarkson's picture, you might want to whisper your insult, because if bitch hears you, she might tackle your ass down.

I already forgave Ronnie Wood for leaving his wife for that barely legal whore who is only sucking on his dehydrated worm to get to his cash, but I cannot forgive him for this. You might not be reading this, because you were temporarily blinded by those things on Ronnie's feet. THOSE UGHS! I bet that Tinkerwhore made him wear those things. She is making sure that no other living thing will hop on her meal ticket. Damn. She's good.

It hurts, though. Now Ronnie really looks like a rocker lady who left the wild life of the big city to move to the suburbs to raise her grandkiddies and become a soccer memaw. Painful.

Your beat down skills are needed in the picture above! And by the look on Kelly Taylor's face, that bitch will tap in and participate.

Tori Spelling was on the 90210 set yesterday shooting Donna Martin's big return to Beverly Hills. God, I hope that car goes off a damn cliff. The producers only brought this fug ho back to make the other actors on the show look prettier and more talented. Stick any fucking thing next to Tori and watch its hotness and talent levels skyrocket.

Here's more of the former Tori the Hutt looking like like a pre-op Admiral Ackbar.

Okay, Jessica Simpson is totally doing this on purpose. Why would she continue to wear shit that makes her look like she was cut from the same back fat roll as Beth Chapman? The right to wear rubber (or whatever the hell that is) leggings should be approved by a court of law. Papa Joe is probably behind this. He stuffed her sausage thighs into that shit, because he knew she would need help getting out of them. He's going to cut them off with his razor tongue. Ugh.

I feel like she's dressing this way because she hoped the tabloids would play the knocked up card, but instead everyone is throwing the "U SO FAT" shit at her. Homegirl even performed barefoot to give the tabloids an easy cover: BAREFOOT & PREGNANT. I don't think she's knocked up. I just think it's famewhore bloat.

Here's more of Jessica wearing a truly unfortunate outfit while performing in Virginia last night.

Mickey Rourke has a face only the inside of a toilet could love, but beasts need affection too. Once you put the constant dry heaving in check, Mickey probably knows how to do that shit right. I mean, he had to have learned something from 9 1/2 Weeks, right?

Well, Evan Rachel Wood thinks she's too fucking good for Chowderface Rourke. Miss My Twatty Lips Are Made Out Of Fine Crystal is pretty much offended by the rumors that she's licking on Mickey's pork rind peen. She told Rolling Stone, "I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

Mickey didn't queef in her ear, so why she so mad at him? Or maybe he did and that's why she feels disrespected? Whatever. You know, I felt disrespected when I watched her butcher a few Beatles songs, but I smoked a bowl, slapped my a-hole and got over it. She should do the same.

And this bitch is delusional for sticking her nose up at Mickey when she has sucked on Marilyn Manson's baby powder-covered skelepeen. I'd take Mickey's stretched out mug over Marilyn Manson's anything any day.