Fug

No, this isn't the crazy old lady from the subway who skips around singing nursery rhymes for quarters. True story: I've seen a lady like that on the train. This is Vadge dressed up like some sad ass elderly person in a school girl costume for a Purim party at the Kabbalahalalaahahaal Center in NYC last night. Lourdes is not going to be happy when she finds that a rabid beaver has been scavenging through her closet. Vadge shouldn't have even tried. Jerri Blank did it hotter.

And I wish that bruise on her leg would shut the fuck up. It's telling me how it got there and this is not something I ever need to know. It involves a goat, Baby Jesus, a shock collar and a crucifix dildo. Dark-sided.

Baby Jesus showed up to the party a little while later with Jessica Seinfeld. In case you couldn't tell, he's dressed as the Joker. But I don't think that's make-up. His face always looks like that after a battle with Vadge's roidy-vadge. It bites back.

At the Nina Ricci show in Paris yesterday, models carefully tried not to die as they walked down the runway in these platforms constructed by Satan's little helpers. The Cut says these stilts from hell added 11-inches to the models' height.

If these shoes added an 11-inch dick to my tailbone so that I could easily fuck myself, that still wouldn't be a good enough reason to wear this mess. I'm lying. Yes, it would, but that would be thee only reason!

What's with that random dangling heel? Is that some kind of weight to balance it, so that you don't plunge to your death? Because I'm pretty sure that would still happen without that little heel.

And do you hear that cracking sound? It's your ankles slowly breaking themselves to keep you from trying to work this fuckery.

Mickey Rourke must have stared in the mirror too long which temporarily blinded him and caused him to accidentally stumble into my abuelita's closet. If Mickey's going to steal my abuelita's "going to the swap meet on a Sunday" look, he needs to do it right. Replace the cap with a pair of post-cataract sunglasses and an L.A. Raiders beanie (which I think she found on the street).

The Neverending Story is having the day from hell. Kate Moss, how could you?!

Where was a fisherman with a big ass net when you needed him?! Ariel is not amused with last night's invasion of mermaid dresses at the Oscars. Beyonce, Melissa George, Marisa Tomei, Monica Cruz, Zac Efron's beard and Diane Lane all wore variations of that shit. I feel like they all needed to be wheeled in on a fake rock. This is Under the Sea shit gone wrong.

These dumb bitches were just asking for an evil whore to trip their sausage-looking asses. They would've come back up with their bare asses hanging out, because a dress like that was not meant to bend over in. I know. How the hell are they supposed to get in some quickie dick time in the bathroom? These are not fun time dresses.

Beyonce doubled the fug with that material. Bitch really looks like she fell into the curtains at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and then called it a fucking day.

When you make the twatty bug-ridden whores of the Rock of Love Bang Bus look like pristine virgins, it's time to dip it in Hazmat-made bleach, lock it up and eat the key.

Pamela Anderson walked Richie Rich's fashion show in NYC last night and right after I looked at these pictures, an appointment card to the Free Clinic was slipped under my door. I'm sure you have one too waiting for you.

Yes, everybody loves an old whore for a quick second, but there comes a time when it's time to hang up your vag lips. This whore's legs look like a pot of badly stirred Cream of Wheat and a little sprinkle of sugar is not going to save the day!

And you know how Roseanne said Chris Brown should be castrated? Well, Pam is the one for the job. She just has to kiss the tip and goodbye peen! Seriously, Pam's face can be found in the back room of my nightmares!

This is some "Sally O'Malley" shit and not in a hot way.

You'll also cross all your body parts and declare you're Amy Fisher's superfan after reading this quote she gave Page Six about how she's planning to tour the country's finest truck stop strip joints as a "high-paid" titty shaker. Note: high-paid to Amy is a $10 off coupon to Food 4 Less and a 5-pack of Natty Ice.

The Long Island Holita said, "I love to dance, and I'm an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.'"

Amy not the one who got it in the face, right? I mean, thinking she has fans?! Even dudes in prison would rather jack off to a toilet floater than this ho! But seriously, I am her biggest fan! I have her mug shot over my toilet and I've memorized every line in Casualties of Love. That being said, I am begging her to put on a fucking Hazmat suit. Bury it! Roll around in dirt! Jump in a tub of bologna! Do anything to cover yourself. Nobody wants to see your Buttafuoco!

P.S. - You can cancel that phone call to Bellevue you were about to make to have me committed for saying I'm Amy's #1 fan. I was lie-telling for the sake of humanity. But I wasn't lying about knowing the lines in Casualties of Love. Alyssa Milano was a revelation.

I have been feeling like the bottom of a cat litter box today, but now I feel like a fresh Mother's cookie after seeing this picture. At least I look like I can breathe oxygen without the help of a tank.

Fuck damn these bitches look beat. And the ho on the left isn't SamRo after hitting puberty. It's designer Matthew Williamson at the opening of his new store in NYC.

They should hang this picture up in schools to promote staying off the bad shit and eating vegetables instead.

I don't know who looks more haggard: HoHan or Chupa Zoe? I mean, HoHan looks like she crawled out of an OxyContin bottle. And Chupa looks like she can't chew solid foods. If you sprinkled salt over them, they'd shrivel down even more. Somebody needs to hook them up to an Ensure drip.

Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I'll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, "His Q ratings have plummeted, and he's on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it's astronomical and not worth it." You mean, they don't pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six's source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn't need that mess anyway! There's bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.

The thing is. This shit could've been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would've looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.

Here's more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.