Fug

HoHan is back on the mainland after her relaxing holiday in Hawaii. Doesn't she look as refreshed as a 6-month old rotten pineapple? I'm surprised a family of moths aren't trying to bite at her.

After arriving back in L.A., HoHan only had time for a quick Adderrall bump before she went back to work. Don't cackle like that. She works! She promoted that runny diarrhea in a bottle at Sephora in Santa Monica yesterday. Although, she probably should've stayed away. When you look at HoHan, does it make you want to run out and drop your heard-earned coins on that SevinNyne crap? Nope, you don't want to look like that. I just want to spray a whole can of Easy-Off all over her body. That grease is baked on!

The term Coprophilia (Thanks, Alcee) comes to mind. When your face looks like a full colostomy bag, it's time to stop with the spray tan shit.

Here's Blotchy McDirtySanchez with her partner Lorit Simon and The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at the launch of SevinNyne at Sephora. Shockingly enough, Ali doesn't look a day under 45, so she's making progress! Keep on!

Matthew Broderick is currently doing a play on Broadway, so I'm going to assume that those matching pubic hair triangles on his face have something to do with that. Because I don't know why he would do that just for shits. It makes him look even more like high school world history teacher with a serious case of shit breath who has been known to loiter around in the boy's locker room for way too long. That shit is not the look.

And Sarah Jessica Parker is not nuzzling for the cameras, she's sniffing at that extra hay on Matthew's face. She's fighting the urge to chew. Matthew better keep her stable door tightly shut at night or she may wander into his bed chamber to nibble at his pork chops. And we know he doesn't want that.

Here's Matthew and SJP at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of his movie Wonderful World last night.

Sad Clown Baby's daddy j'e' was about to get his ass on a British Airways flight to London on Sunday when an employee told him to cover up his face all ten million of his arm tattoos or else he wouldn't be able to fly. Joel Madden Twittered about the whole ordeal. Eventually, Joel gave in by covering up, so he could make his flight. British Airways hates tattoo people. Yes, discrimination still exists today. Fight the man!

British Airways tells TMZ that they are flab-flab-flabbergasted about this ridiculousness. They have called for the head of the employee who forced Joel to cover up his art and made him cry in the corner. A rep said, "We don't understand why the employee took it upon himself to enforce regulations that don't exist."

In the employee's defense, he probably recognized Joel Madden as Benji's brother. The same Benji Madden who used to stick his peen into Wonky McValtrex's toxic dump vagina. Unfortunately for Joel, in some countries guilt by association will land you in quarantine. The employee was just thinking of the innocent people on the plane! Or maybe the employee's ex-girlfriend told him she was fucking his brother while a Good Charlotte song was playing and now he has hate in his heart for the band forever. Yeah, probably the latter.

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim tittays are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

Here's more of Kelly's rogue breasts with Laird Hamilton, Gabrielle Reece and their kid at an event in NYC last year.

Lady CaCa is such an English lady. Not only has she adopted Vadge's queef-inducing fraudulent British accent, but now she's carrying around a teacup all around town. It's just the artist being artsy. Lady CaCa is like a walking Louvre. I wish she'd walk right into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus.

The giant fart bag has become so attached to the teacup that she went crazy recently after leaving it at a restaurant. Some source told The Sun, “She kicked up a stink and demanded someone get her cup and saucer back. She wouldn’t drink out of anything else. It just looked like any other cup and saucer to me and said ‘Made in China’ on the bottom. It seemed a lot of fuss over nothing.”

Lady CaCa's spokesbitch is in on the ridiculousness, because they said, “Lady GaGa does not want to reveal anything about the teacup itself, but drinking ginger tea is very good for singers.”

Ugh. When is she going to crawl back into her own dick hole? She really needs to spend ten minutes with Amy Wino so she can learn how authentic crazy bitches do it.

Just for the record, she didn't misplace that teacup. The poor thing was trying to quit that bitch. It was on its way to Heathrow to catch the next jet to Taiwan when Lady CaCa got her diarrhea claws on it again. It will get the last laugh. Lady CaCa is going to wonder why her ginger tea tastes nuttier than usual. That's because her teacup is going to vom right before her nasty lips touch its rim.

Here's CaCa wandering the streets of London while wearing a thong around her neck which makes her titties look even more like a sad pair of saggy chest nalgas.

Obviously, these two twats are getting dressed in two different closets in probably two different rooms! Matthew Broderick looks like a child toucher with a serious case of halitosis who charms you with his according playing and then offers you some candy from his jar. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker is looking like a Day-glo Disco My Little Pony left on the dusty backroom storage shelf of a Toys R Us in Indiana since the 80s. If these two faglets can't even coordinate their outfits, how are they coordinating their genitals. They ain't!

And SJP's mug is looking especially filly-ish. Maybe she's full of guilt for throwing Vadge off of her back. Aw. Nibble on a sugar cube and don't be so hard on yourself, Pony. Any bitch would've tossed that roid beast off of them.

Here's Faggy and Haggy at the premiere of Mary Stuart on Broadway last night.

The walking performance fart that is Lady CaCa censored her titty dingles and walked the streets of London while taking pictures of the paparazzi with her sunglasses still on. That X would look a lot better over her face rather than on her droopy colostomy bag titties. Aw. I'm just angry, because I'm too simple to understand Lady GaGMe's undeniable genius. Not since Andy Warhol has the world been graced with such a true artiste.

On the left is a perfectly lovely 49-year-old English queen and on the right is a satisfied corpse after Shonna from Family Plots worked her mortician magic on it. The Funeral Fairy of South Carolina would be all over this bitch!

There's really no way of saying this, but Rupert Everett bludgeoned his own face with a WTF stick! Star Magazine got an expert to say Rupert looks 10 years younger. Um...paging Dr. Glatt! I'm going going to need you to stand really still while I stamp a big "WRONG" on your forehead. Rupert doesn't look 10 years younger, but he does look 10 zillion times creeper! Who was his plastic surgeon? Madame Tussaud?

Experiment time! Light a candle, let it melt a bit, blow it out and then quickly stick your thumb on the liquid wax. Let dry for 2 quick seconds, then take a good look at it. Rupert Everett with his eyes closed, right? Yeeeeeeah, that's not what's hot.

By the way, that horrifying screen shot of Rupert is from when he was on The Martha Stewart show a week ago. I'm shocked Martha didn't draw a fleur-de-lis design on his face with a silver marker then stick a wick on top of his head and light him.

Because that shit on Mischa Barton's feet looks like the fake hidden immunity idol Taj made a few episodes back! Throw it into the fire, Jeff! Speaking of Survivor, Mischa looks like she's been on exile island for a few weeks. That's the face of a ho who has been nibbling on sand and drinking swamp water on a regular basis.

Here's more of Mischa and her tiki shoes at an event for Herbal Essence in Milan today. That's kind of ironic, because bitch needs to start putting some herbal essence in her pipe instead of that meth shit.

Please put a glob of peanut butter on a trap, so that the mangy tortured rodent attacking the back of Kate Gosselin's head can be put out of its misery. Business in the front, skunky in the back.

If Kate is really going to go there, she needs to commit! I want to see her wearing a flannel with a K.D. Lang t-shirt underneath it and a furry vagina in her mouth, because this hair has 90s bull dyke written all over it.

Here's Kate from that Jon & Kate Plus 8 show signing her new book at Barnes & Noble in Glendale, CA yesterday. Hopefully, Kate and Kim Zolciak are never in the same room together, because their mops would disappear into a dark corner together and mate. Nobody wants that.