Fug

Even though Candy Spelling basically said Tori is the reason why Aaron died, she was still invited to her granddaughter's birfday party this past Saturday. Tori has said that Candy has never met 1-year-old Stella, so this would've been the first time.

A source (aka Mimi La Rue whispering from heaven) told UsWeekly that Candy's slaves RSVPed yes to Stella's party. Her slaves called a few days before the party to ask if the cameras for Tori's shit show would be there. Tori told them that Candy would be not be filmed, because the camera lens could not handle both of their faces in the same frame. No, she didn't say that, but the producers were probably thinking that.

Despite Tori telling her mother that she would not be on camera if she didn't want to be, Candy still didn't show up. Candy sent an e-mail an hour before the party stating that her ass wasn't coming, but Tori didn't get it until later. A source close to Candy says that she decided not to go, because she wanted to keep their meeting private and didn't want cameras around. A source close to Tori told People, "She was told in advance she wouldn't be filmed if she didn't wish to be. Tori took a step to reach out. Tori is not preventing her mom from seeing her kids. People think she's preventing her mother from seeing the kids, but she does invite her."

Does Candy turn into a dragon when she really gets mad? Does she have two pet eels who do her dirty work for her, because bitch just might be a Disney villain. How are you going to RVSP to your granddaughter's party and then not show up?! Besides, there was cake there! And I'm assuming there was booze (I mean, you NEED life's nectar at a kid's party). Who turns down free cake and booze? Tori makes my eyes bleed and I'd still go to that party for free cake. I'd put Band-Aids over my eyes and deal with it just for some delicious frosting.

Yesterday, Candy Spelling went on a Massachusetts radio station and basically said Tori Spelling is the reason why Aaron's heart stopped beating. Yes, bitch is making Kate Gosselin's possum hair look like a glowing halo.

Candy immediately jumped on HuffPo to explain herself. But her explanation is really just a repeat performance. Get ready to release a flock of the "cunt" word from your mouth after reading this:

One of the most-repeated phrases by reporters is, "I don't write the headlines."

I just saw headlines on Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post and elsewhere that read:

"Candy Spelling: Tori's Actions Killed My Husband Aaron Spelling."

I don't know who is writing the headlines, but I wish he or she would read the rest of their own stories.

I didn't intend to create headlines. I was asked a question about my daughter not speaking with my family, and I answered truthfully. My husband was very ill, and he had stopped eating and taking liquids. He called Tori on a daily basis, and never stopped asking if Tori had returned his call. We had to say no every day.

I should have known better, but it is the truth. Next, someone will refer to it as 'patricide.' Wait, sorry. Eonline just did that.

You know, I really wouldn't put it past Candy if she lied to Aaron about Tori not calling. When the maid gave Candy a message from Tori, she just chucked it into the fire and continued to sip on her champagne. I think I saw that on an episode of Dynasty once. Fuck. I'm sounding just like her.

Things you shouldn't see while sober: Lady CaCa on the cover of Rolling Stone with queef bubbles floating out of her crotch. Calgon, take her the fuck away already!

If Bette Midler circa 1978 and a special needs bull dog mated at Chernobyl......

The only thing that rises when I think of Lady CaCa is my fist, because it wants to punch her in the mouth. And here's a quote from the magazine that might make you to do the same: “I don’t feel like I look like the other perfect little pop singers. I think I’m changing what people think is sexy.”

VIA Jezebel (Thanks Al)

This public display of pure organic fuckery does not belong on the cover of an album. It belongs on the hood of a Trans-Am owned by a tranny chaser. This is every kind of WRONG. I know the recession has made all of us do some shit we're not proud of, but getting your album artwork drawn by a fourth-rate t-shirt airbrush artist from your local strip mall is not the answer.

VIA Idolator

No, this isn't a Piggly Wiggly cashier on her break, sipping a Bud Light in a plastic cup while strolling to her mobile home to turn her baby. It's Kate Hudson on the Oklahoma City set of her new movie. And no, the movie is not, Crushed Cheetos & Broken Dreams: The Britney Spears Story. It's for a movie called The Killer Inside. Spoiler alert! The killer is Ding Dongs and a box of Revlon Colorsilk #32.

I have to say that I love Kate with dishwater brown hair! It brings out the trailer trash in her face and that's a beautiful thing! I would definitely dance with Kate on top of a Trans-Am in the parking lot of a monster truck rally to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."

While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:

MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher's cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.

I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call "Hamlet." Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff's phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, "I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."

What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss' hair is his long-lost mommy, so he's totally being tricked!

Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn't return Hamlet.

You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

The mystery surrounding Kate Gosselin's hair has been revealed. Sort of. No, it wasn't revealed on the season finale of Lost last night (although, I think it made a cameo). Kate told Entertainment Weekly all about it.

When asked about sophisticated reverse-mullet, Kate said, "It's my attitude! Everybody wants it. It's work. I have very, very thick hair, so it's not going to work for everybody. I've seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it's just won't work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country."

Um. Little does Kate know that they are actually calling and begging for her hair stylist to chop off his (or her?) own fingers, so this fuggetry can end! Actually, that wouldn't really stop Kate, because her hair stylist could still cut her hair with his feet and it would end up looking the same. And who is this "everybody" Kate is talking about? If by "everybody" she means every piece of roadkill, then I stand corrected!

And if you want Kate's hair, it's not hard to get! Just pour pig's blood over your head, wander out into the middle of the forest and wait. It won't take long before a pack of wild coyotes start attacking your head. After a few minutes, fight them off and you'll walk out of the forest looking just like a Gosselin!

When Bruce Jenner got a facelift 25 years ago, he went from looking like a semi-hot-piece to looking like a Kraft single after being microwaved too long. Bruce blames it on a janky partial facelift and a nose job, so he decided to go back under the knife and fix his face. Bruce's third face will be revealed on that Kardashian shit show this Sunday.

Kim Kardassian blogged about it, "Twenty five years ago, Bruce was ill-advised by a doctor to have a partial facelift and a nose job. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what Bruce had hoped for and for years since then he has been the victim of cruel taunts from the media. Since he's turning 60 in October, Bruce felt it was time to correct the mistakes made by the previous doctor so he went to a new doctor for a second facelift . The results are amazing! Bruce looks better than ever and he is extremely happy with the result."

That's what they all say! Just one more surgery and I'll stop. You know Bruce isn't going to stop. In 10 years, his mouth is going to be where his nose is supposed to be and his eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of his neck. Bitch is going to look like Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway. Actually, he already does.

VIA UsWeekly

Okay, kids, grab the net! It looks like Memaw Vadge stole Little Krissy's tap dancing outfit again and is running the streets like a crazy in it.

For the love of CaCa! What is this that I'm looking at it? This looks like Scotty the Blue Bunny starring in an S&M version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? as seen through the eyes of a delusional homeless dude who thinks he's in the reincarnation of Picasso. Give memaw some warm Benefiber, soak her dentures in some Polident and read her a sweet story until she goes to bed. Bitch needs to lie down! Trix are for kids and so is this outfit.

Here's Vadge in the latest LOOKATMEGODPLEASELOOKATMEPLEASE creation from Louis Vuitton at last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met and later with Baby Jesus at the after-party. Seriously, where is Elmer Fudd when you need him?