Before watching American Idol last night, I had my ear plugs made out of egg crates and block of wood to scratch my nails into all ready for Tatiana Del Toro's laugh of destruction. But the laugh never came out of her mouth. Tatiana was so drippy. It's like someone sucked the helium out of her (I'm looking at you, Paula). Or maybe Tatiana accidentally had a sip of Paula's Morphine water?
Tatiana corked the crazy and this left me confused. The blood in my system was even ready to drip down my nose when Tatiana's Lucifer-sponsored cackle came spewing out of her mouth. The cotton balls were at my side! It never happened. Strange. I don't know. It's weird, because I could still see the crazy tingling in her eyes. Maybe she saw her ass on TV and figured she should bring it down a million levels to get votes. When the judges asked her about it, she kept saying, "I'm never like that! Ask my friends! I'm a multi-faceted woman!" or something like that. Uh huh. That's what all crazy bitches say. The crazy doctor must have upped her meds.
Did TatiRo's complete 360 help or hurt her ass? She could sneak into the Top 12 because there's a lot of crazy people out there. Crazies stick with crazies. But my nose will definitely start crying blood tears if she makes it through tonight. It's possible, because the girls were fucking GODAWFULHORRENDOUSEARBLOWINGBAD! The bitch who sang that Taylor Swift song made me yearn for the days of Kristy Lee Cook. Seriously, homegirl's skills are that evil. And the hot chick who murdered that Police song should have had the real POLICE called on her ass for decapitating that shit! My peen hole could whistle that song better. What was up with her faces too? This is American Idol, not fucking Toddlers & Tiaras! Bitch should really try out a career in child beauty pageants.
So, now it's guessing time! The 3 skanks who will make it to the Top 12 will be:
Danny Gokey - Because his name rhymes with chokey. And he's the only one who didn't make me punch my ears or fall into a coma. (click to see some of his performance)
Anoop - He's popular as fuck! It was the night of Anoop. He could have eaten a live baby bunny on stage and bitches still would've voted for him! (click to see his performance)
When American Idol started this year, I was wondering who would fill Kristy Lee Cook's devil's hooves as the object of my rage. I'm pleased to say that the spot has been filled by shrieking jackal Tatiana Del Toro who will face America's firing squad next week when she sings. And I've got my rifle fucking loaded and ready to go.
I don't really need to go into all the reasons why Tatiana makes me want to shove a mini-hot curling iron in my ear and open it. Just watch the clip above and everything will become clear to you. You'll wish you could give your ears an acid enema. And if you can't watch the whole clip, just to skip to the end and look at the faces of everyone around her. They are wishing for that acid ear enema too.
Tatiana isn't a bad singer, it's just everything else! When she laughs, garage doors go flying, cars combust and dogs run into traffic. Bitch sounds like a hyena on helium getting DPed.
It's like her laugh is taunting me to punch her in the mouth. Everyone else is hearing "Ahahahahahahaha," but I hear "Slap me, bitch! Slap me!" I bet the people in her family have already lost the feeling in their hands from sitting on them so much to keep from whacking her ass.
That said, I hate her so much that I think I love her. When she explodes into a cloud of laughing gas after she gets the boot (which will happen), it will be bittersweet for me. I mean, who else will make me angrily write stfu" on my TV screen using the blood from my bleeding ears?
American Idol returned last night and surprisingly, Paula wasn't the one to make an ass out of herself. Give her time before she realizes they are making her signature sweet Vicodin tea with Aspirin instead. Damn them. Paula needs her medicine!
This time, it was Gaycrest's turn to put on the dunce cap. He wears it so well. After Scott MacIntyre, who is pretty much blind, got a yellow paper to the finals, Gaycrest tried to high-five his ass! Yes, high-fiving a fucking blind dude! And then Gaycrest said, "We'll SEE you in Hollywood." I'm surprised Gaycrest didn't put on sunglasses and do the Stevie Wonder sway! Gaycrest hates blind people.
At that moment, Kathy Griffin got on her hands and knees and apologized to Jesus for telling him to "suck it," because he gave her this beautiful gift.
You know, that's not completely fair. Even if Scott had 20/20 vision, he still wouldn't have been able to see Gaycrest's high-five from that high up. Gaycrest forgot to get on his step ladder. And Gaycrest probably didn't even notice the walking stick, because he's too tiny to see the top part. It's not his fault.
And the blind dude's brother is totally hot and totally loves the peen, right? Clip below:
I could probably use the above title a dozen more times if I did more investigative reporting. I mean, I think all American Idol rejects end up in gay porn (even the girls) eventually. Shit. I think all of us will end up doing gay porn sooner or later. Yeah, so you better practice keeping your privates erect while getting it in the stink. Your time is cumming soon.
You might remember Zach Travis' American Idol audition that left the judges confused. Well, Simon and Randy anyway. Paula is always confused. Zach was the girly boy who wore bellbottoms and heels while singing Whitney Houston's Queen of the Night. Randy asked him if he was a dude or a chick. Zach was rejected and his dreams were crushed....
That's until he chopped off the librarian bob, tossed the heels in the dumpster and pulled his ass cheeks apart. Now the only thing that's getting crushed is Zach's asshole! Zach does gay porn now and goes by the name Kirk Cummings. Okay, couldn't he have come up with a better name than that?! Randy Jackmeoff? Or maybe Simon Bowels (ew)? Or even Semen Cowell?
The Sword uncovered Zach's new gay porn image as well as his new "song" called "Badass." The song is nothing to bust nuts over, but (NSFW) click here to see Zach's other skills which he seems to be much better at.
Good for Zach! When someone kicks you to the ground, just get on your knees and start sucking your way to the top (or bottom in his case)! It's the American dream!
Below is Zach's song "Badass" and click here to see his original Idol audition.
(Thanks Jack Shamama)
On May 21, 2008, David Cook became our next "American Idol." It is also the day that the lives of these tween girls came crashing down on them destroying their will to go on!
Well, not all the girls were tortured by the news that Fetus Archuleta lost. The Aero Surf girl is awesome. She's basically laughing at all of their asses on the inside, but realizes that if the other girls find out, they will turn on her and eat her alive. So she quickly plays along. She's totally a secret David Cook fan.
When one of the girls screams "That loser doesn't even shave," you know Aero Surf wanted to shout, "Well, that mouth breather hasn't lost all his baby teeth yet!"
I shouldn't make fun of these girls, because this was basically my reaction every time that dumb bitch Kristy Lee Cook made it to the next round. It will also be my reaction when the Live Feed Puppies go off the Internet.
P.S. - Only winners shave. Remember that.
I've decided for myself that Pill-Poppin' Abdul and the new chick hate each other. HATE each other. Like a "I think about opening a hot curling iron in your asshole" kind of hate. I don't know this for a fact, but it's the only way I can accept the new chick. Look at Paula. If she wasn't Robitrippin so hard, she'd slap the new chick with her good hand. Her other hand is always numb from all ze Vicodin. And the new chick is softly praying to herself, "Please help me find a way to not whip this crackie's ass. I just got this job!"
Here's the new and maybe-improved "American Idol" family at the NYC audition today. Simon Cowell's manchichis are looking so perky. I bet he has some duct tape holding up those things.
A new person will get to inhale Paula Abdul's Vicodin vodka breath while judging "American Idol" this season. Singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi will join Paula, Simon and Randy as a permanent judge when the show returns for its 8th season in January. Eight seasons of Paula's craziness.
Simon Fuller said they originally wanted four judges when "American Idol" started. Why?! They already have around 20 judges if you count all of Paula's personalities.
Simon went on to say, "We are turning the heat up on 'Idol' this year and are thrilled to welcome Kara to the judges' table. She is a smart, sassy lady, and one of America's most successful songwriters. We know she will bring a new level of energy and excitement to the show."
Kara has worked with Kelly Clarkson, Xtina, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Santana, Carrie Underwears, Brit Brit, Clay Gayken and more.
Personally, I think they should have dumped Simon and Randy. Paula should be the only judge. Just give her an open bar, a shady pharmacist and let her rip!
Somebody should let Kara know that she's only there to showcase Paula's craziness. Therefore, she should disagree with her as much as possible and also insult her dogs. Oh and it will help if she mentions that Bratz movie at least twice a day. In case you have no idea what I'm babbling about, clip below:
File this under: Yes, they are still alive! Paris Bennett, Carmen Rasmusen and Ruben Studdard from "American Idol" might not be busy making music, but they are busy doing something. In case you give a duck's penis, here's some news on these has-beens.
Paris Bennett (Season 5): The jesus-loving 19-year-old is knocked up with her first baby! Paris will pop out a girl this October and plans to name her Egypt. Egypt?! That baby is already doomed. I knew a ho named Egypt and her mommy really should have named her Cleopbitcha instead, because she was a mega cunt. Hopefully, Princess P re-thinks that name. She should name her Toulouse instead. Paris & Toulouse!
Paris' mommy confirmed the news, "This makes five generations. I'm proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant." Her mommy said that Paris is engaged to the baby daddy, but she wouldn't say his name. It's probably Clay Gayken's. (AOL BV)
Carmen Rasumsen (Season 2): While performing in Branson, Missouri, Carmen announced to the audience that she was knocked up. Carmen said she and her husband are expecting a baby around Christmas Eve. She added, “Now we’re able to open up and talk about (God)." HUH?! Seriously, who is this bitch? I don't even remember her! And she's lying. It's really Clay Gayken's baby. (Reserve Branson)
Ruben Studdard (Season 2 winner): The Velvet Teddy Bear married Surata Zuri McCants yesterday in Birmingham, AL. Ruben was joined by 20 groomsmen. He's probably pregnant too......with Clay Gayken's baby, of course. (People)