American Idol

Jane Mancini was voted out of American Idol last night and it didn't feel right, because Sydney Andrews wasn't there in a wedding dress to throw her in a pool or something. That's what was missing.

Jane (real name: Alexis Grace) was put in the bottom with that sack of stale potatoes Michael Sarver. Fuck me with a lame dildo, he's boring. Sticking your genitals in a bowl of uncooked mashed potato flakes is more exciting than watching him sing.

The judges really made it sting in Alexis' pussy bone by saying they were considering saving her ass with that golden power of veto trash (wait, that's Big Brother). They made Alexis sing for her liiiiiiiifffffeee, but after all that shit, they said it was good, but not good enough. Bye, bye!

This is what I hate about the judges making them sing again. If it was bad enough the first to time to land them in the bottom, why would they torture us again?! They should make them do something else. Like, I don't know, compete in a round of Are You Smarter Than A Crazy? starring Paula Abdul.

Alexis' exit means that the rumor about the final 4 being fixed was built on lies. Unless, American Idol tried to be all slick by quitting that bitch, thinking that would throw us off. Alexis had to be sacrificed. Eh, at least I won't have to look at her HGTV hair anymore.

Why didn't Johnny Cash appear in a ring of fire to punch Adam Lambert in the mouth and then burn that "Mad Max gone wrong" jacket over his body?! Adam's performance of "Ring of Fire" made my ring of fire (I'm putting cream on it) throb in pain. Bitch gets an A+ in trytoohardy, but if you weren't smoking some of Paula Abdul's secret recipe through a hookah, you were probably trying to figure out what the hell was going on up there. Paula was definitely the only ho who was on board with that shit. You would be too if a magic carpet appeared at your feet and flew you through Adam Lambert's boyfriend's sparkly sweater during that slaughter-filled performance.

It was like orgy music that will make your peen go limp. Speaking of, when Adam tried to bring on the sexy, I had to go to Bible.com, put my hand on the screen and pray that I never experience anything like that ever again. That being said, Adam needs to stay. Well, that glittery Shrek creature with Sonic the Hedgehog hair is at least making me feel something. The rest of those boring bores only make me crave oatmeal made with tap water.

The judges need to be put on a bus and sent to Insanity Town, because they were busting loads over the wrong whores. I mean, Danny Hokey?! That bitch needs to go back to the early 90s cartoon he came from. I'm so tired of him and his ten million glasses. And of course he sang "Jesus Take The Wheel." Of fucking course. Danny is at the wheel and taking the fools for a ride! That's some manipulative shit! I wouldn't even buy it if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper wrapped it up and dangled it from his shiny peen. No. I would rather Anooooooooop win than Danny and that's saying everything! Anoop is like a big GAP hoody to me. He's comfortable to most, but I don't want that shit anywhere near me! And he really does wear a lot of hoodies. I think he's in cahoots with the hoody people.

As for my predictions. This is kind of hard since most of them brought the MEHS in heavy doses last night. But I'll say Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace and Megan Joy Cokrey will find themselves holding hands and shit as the bottom 3. My guess is that Megan Joy DORKEY will be swept back under the rug. I keep waiting for her ass to get all angsty, but she keeps doing these hokey ass songs. Bitch needs to shit out the Hallmark Card already and bring on the ragey-ness I know she has inside of her.

And I think Paula's added a few things to her secret tea last night, because the crazy was extra-babbly. She also needs to let Kara take a swig, because maybe that will loosen up her damn lock jaw. Seriously, I want to jump through the screen and pry that shit open with the jaws of life. Actually, I think it's better if I pry it shut.

Some bitch with a slippery tongue who works on American Idol is reportedly jumping around telling everyone and anyone the final 4 on the show have already been picked, picked and picked. The loud mouth says that Jane Mancini, Glittery McWentz, Lil' Rounds and Danny "Makes Me Wanna Pokey My Own Eyes" Gokey will be the chosen four. When asked if this was just speculation, the crazy bird said, “Those ARE the people." Damn. Okay, okay...

She went on to tell the NYDN that the producers really want Gokey or Alexis Grace to win, because they "think they’re very commercially viable, have a good image and a great story.”

Fox refused to say shit about this mess.

So who's the babbling bitch? My guess is that Paula Abdul found the key to the medicine cabinet again, right? Give the crazy a barbiturate and she'll blather on until you shut her up with a Vicodin lolly.

Asking the question "Is Idol fixed?" is like asking the question "Does Simon lick his own furry nipples when he's alone in bed at night?" MAYBE (but probably yes)! Actually, I don't know. Does it matter at this point? We've already wasted ten million hours of our young lives, so we might as well keep on suffering. As long as the contestants keep sucking shit nuggets so that we can make fun of them each week, I'll be happy.

That question was the headline all over the intrawebs after Kelly Clarkon's performance on American Idol last night. They know this ho isn't knocked up. She recently said that she doesn't want any chirruns in her life. This is just their way of saying that the bitch looks like she snacked on a Hometown Buffet, chomped on a Claim Jumper and washed it all down with a Chili's. They wanted to write that when she was singing "My Life Would Suck Without You" she was thinking of Krispy Kremes. Damn. Just say it! We're all fucking cunts here. It's fine.

Yeah, bitch added a little chunk, but I think Kelly's "Stevie Nicks on the ho stroll" outfit is mostly to blame. Did this bitch not learn anything from the big-tittied frog?

Anyway, now to the whores who went back to the world of broken dreams. I don't understand how that Anooooop bitch ended up in the bottom 4? Everywhere I go, all I hear is Anoooop. I swore that bitches voted for him only because they want to keep shouting his name every week. That ho never did it for me. He always reminds me of that one IT guy in every office who gets drunk and starts singing like a fool at the office Christmas party. Throw pancakes at me (delicious), but I would have rather he went and Jorge stayed. American Idol is already a fucking extra-large fondue pot filled with burnt cheese, but Jorge takes it to a whole new level. There's a Carnival Cruise funship calling his name....

Now about Jasmine. And by "Jasmine," I mean her mother. We must never forget. And last night she brought out the elegant nails. That made it hurt even more. Can't we replace Lock Jaw DiGrossi with Jasmine's mother? She can just sit there, smirk and silently cheer. We hardly knew her!

I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul's Coke cup. I'm guessing it's a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake, a drop of Skat Kat's jizz and a spoonful of leche from Simon's fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!

Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. She had no idea what the hell kind of words were coming out of her mouth. The Skat Kat in her head was talking too damn fast and it was confusing her. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill. Actually, I think every did, because whores left and right were foaming at the asshole over him. I'm trying so hard to love him, but it's not working out for me. I sniff a bottle of Urban Decay nail polish and force myself to bust nuts over him, but it doesn't work. He's a little too Wentzy for me. But I wouldn't be mad if he won. He's a million times better than a lot of those other weepy ass skanks.

Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch? Every contestant is more boring than the last. Half of those dudes are the same person. Gokey Allen Giraud Sarver! Throw them in a pot, put a lid over it, set it and then FORGET IT.

Since my brain has already zapped out most of last night's performance, let's go over the whores who will probably go back to working at Hot Dog on a Stick (delicious). Two fools are going home tonight, so I'm guessing there will be a bottom 4. These are my guesses:

Jasmine: She seems like a nice girl. I'd eat a bowl of Lucky Charms with her, but unless you've got a Bratz doll fetish, she's just all sorts of MEH.
Jorge: Even Jorge knows he's being sent to the irrelevant factory. This gives me the sads inside, because think of what his eyebrows could be. I just want to jump on his chest and go to pluck city.
Scott: I picked him, because I really can't remember who the hell he is.
Kris: Bitch needs to give us what we want already! We want fully nude performances! And Simon's right, drop the wife. It's not a good look.

I'm probably totally wrong with the bottom 4, because I do believe that the two Js (Jorge and Jasmine) will be shuffling off tonight.

But seriously, we need to quit delaying the inevitable and declare the true American Idol: Jasmine's mother's wig. Come to terms with that fact! I voted for it at least 300 times yesterday. It's funny that each call I made for Lisa Murray's wig ended with a happy ending. That's a sign.

It's funny that when they announced that Tatiana Del Terrible would compete during the wild card round on American Idol tonight, I had trouble remembering who she exactly was. I forgot she existed! But when she burst into fake tears that Bachelor Jason would be proud of, it all came back to me! It's like Gaycrest opened the chest of bad memories and out came Tati, along with the horrific memory of when I went caca in my shorty shorts in the first grade. Both Tati and that memory came skipping back into my life last night. The horror!

The last time Tati was on the show, she was so demure and acted like she had just snorted a line of No-Doze backstage. But last night she brought the faggotry back. This hag made a spectacle of herself. You just wanted to throw a bagel at her. Tati went on like she won a damn Oscar! I'm surprised she didn't thank Loki.

Tati is pretty much in the Top 12, isn't she? Every reality shit show needs a resident Loony McLoonester and Tati perfectly fills that position. The ratings need her. They are screaming her name the producers know this. Her presence also gives Paula a reason to double up on her "doll friends." Paula embraces a reason to take more Vicodin.

As for the other two wild card spots, I'm going to say Bratz Doll Jasmine and Anoop will join the final whores. Also last night, Lil Rounds, Scott MacIntyre and Jorge moved on to the finals. And this just confirms that this might be the worst season of American Idol EVER. I said this last season and I'll probably say it next season, but for right now, I mean it!

Couldn't the producers have found a litter of fluffy, adorable kittens for us to watch 4-hours a week. Every week, we could have voted out the one with the weakest meow. Or the one whose purr is off-pitch. Or something!

That being said, I will miserably sit and watch this entire fucking season. And so will you!

I was about to write that this is the gayest season of American Idol, but then I remembered Gayken's season. Gayken has the power of ten thousand gays inside him. So this is the second gayest season! One of the bitches you can thank for that is Nathaniel Marshall and his PP-inspired headband. I just want to take that headband, stretch it back and then release. If it hits him in the head hard enough it might make his eyes pop out. Bitch always has those beady mole eyes!

Nathaniel really should have sang "Let's Hear It For the Boy," but he did Meat Loaf's "I Will Do Anything for Love." You know, I feel like Nathaniel stumbled into the wrong reality show. Bitch should be on RuPaul's Drag Race. While watching him skip around last night, I kept thinking that I really want to see him with a wig on his head and a big dress on his body. The gods above might have brought him into this world just so he could play Edna Turnblad in Haispray. He could play that role now until the end of his days. Bitch doesn't have a chance in Simon Cowell furry chichi hell tonight. He's out. Well, he's already out OUT (his wrist did the honors), but he's not going any further.

It's obvious that the two whores the judges popped jizz balls over are going on. Lil Rounds and Blind Scott sealed it up. They were both just alright. Not amazing. Just, eh. I had a hard time concentrating on Lil Round's voice, because I was so mesmerized by that ASS! I could serve Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on that ass. It's fucking amazing. As for Scott, he could have sang The Most Offensive Song from South Park and he would still get through. By the way, Paula Abdul has no idea he's blind, right?

The third spot will either go to that chick with bangs who was brought back from the dead or Jorge from Puerto Rico. If Jorge goes on, can they please bring a chola into his life to fix those eyebrows. It looks like Vadge's vintage sascrotch sat above his eyes. I just want to take an Epilady to those things!

And I am so over that Kara Dioguardi bitch! She doesn't open her mouth all the way when she talks and she always says, "I don't know what kind of artist you are." BITCH! They are going to be whatever artist the American Idol evil lords want them to be. They don't have any say. Ugh. Someone please sprinkle Vicodin dust on her, so Paula can throw her up in the air, catch her with her mouth and swallow her whole!

Let the sparkly fairy dust fall all over of you as you look at these precious pictures of American Idol's Adam Lambert skipping through the rainbows. Yeah, if didn't know Adam liked the peen, then you need to drop your gaydar off at the shop for fixing. My gaydar shut down when Adam first popped up on my screen.

Vote For the Worst posted a few pictures of Adam sticking his tongue out in another dude's mouth. Pictures like this are never a good idea. I mean, that shit never looks hot! We've all taken them, because we think it makes us look like sex kittens, but it doesn't! It looks like he's barfing into that tiny gay's mouth! Well, he sort of is barfing. Barfing shiny rainbows! May the unicorns frolic!

I did know Adam was gayer than my MAC lip glass-covered no-no (it makes it extra sexy), but I didn't know he was a raver! These pictures of him at Burning Man brings back the memories. Where's my pacifier and glow stick? It's time to fucking roll.

Adam should really perform on Idol as his drag queen alter ego. Homegirl is more of a woman than Paula Abdul will ever be. By the way, the 4th thumbnail may make your asspussy pucker until the dicks come home. A little warning.

Last night, I was forced to watch American Idol without having the ability to fast forward through suckery and commercials. That shit should be used as a torture device. For real. I haven't been the same since.

Honestly, these skanks should not get to pick their own songs. Maroon 5? Coldplay? Hell no. It's never going to work. They should sing nursery rhymes, because they have the brains of toddlers. No offense to toddlers.

There were two whores that the judges busted nuts over. The first was 16-year-old Allison Irawhatever. When Gaycrest was interviewing her ass before she performed, homegirl acted like she just downed a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She was on a 15-second delay and not making sense. Then, she got up, took the stage and screamed the fuck out of Heart's Alone. No wonder bitch is alone, because she screams so damn much. Bitches can't be around her, because she hurts their ears. And she looks like the broken condom baby of Kelly Clarkson and Natasha Lyonne trying to do a Lily Allen impersonation and failing. Yes, I would have let Allison paint my nails with black glitter polish in high school, but I wasn't amused with her shit last night. But I also have a close relationship with Heart's Alone, because that is my karaoke JAM! Allison's performance needed more jazz hands. That's what that song is all about. Who knows? Her voice isn't that bad. She may grow on me. I'm open to it.

Adam Lambert also made the judges queef out compliments. Adam can sing, but the queen needs to turn down the drama. You could skipper dinner after Adam's performance, because he served up a giant honey baked H.A.M. And was Randy sipping on Paula's crazy tea? Randy told Adam that he was kind of like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. The hell? Maybe a hybrid of Robert Smith (today) and Paddington Bear, but sparkly RPattz? Never EVER.

The third spot MUST go to the amazing Norman Gentle. Richard Simmons proper! Norman knows this whole pony show is a damn joke and I'm in love with him because of that. Clip below:

Hurricane Del Toro's destruction on American Idol has come to an end....for now. You can put the ear plugs and punching bag away for now, but I have a feeling this ho has not finished with us. Wild card, anyone? Even though Tatiana makes my finger nails fall off, she's really the only one that makes me feel anything. The others are like a plate of soggy pancakes with no syrup. Boring as fuck, but if it's front of me, I'll slap my nalgas with it.

Last night, the third top 12 spot was between Tatiana and Robert Downey Gokey. The dude is a widower, so we know how this was going to play out. When Gaycrest announced that RDG was going on, I was hoping Tatiana would explode like a pinata filled with meth at Amy Wino's birthday party. She didn't. Instead, Tatiana slowly melted like she was playing Blanche in a community theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire. And the camera kept panning to her melodramatic ass while Gokey performed. I don't know what was worse? Tatiana's "power bottom without his dildo" pout or Gokey's shirt and glasses! Seriously, that man needs a gay in his life. Summer's Eve definitely made that t-shirt and glasses. That shit made my own clothes all wrinkly, because they felt weepy after seeing his mess! That outfit was made to be worn while doing body shots off some skeezer in a NJ bar. It was not meant to be seen by millions of people.

The other two hos who got the first top 12 spots were Jane Mancini and that roughneck dude or whatever the hell his name is. I already forgot and I'm not going to stress out my half-brain cell by trying to remember it.

After Tati was throw into the gutter, I love how the bitches around her weren't even trying to give her a real hug. They were hugging her the way I hug my extended family. It's an "I'm only doing this because people are watching" kind of hug. And the side-eyes! They fucking want to rip off that Paula Abdul 50-cent ring off Tati's finger and poke her eyes out. They HATE her.