No, seriously, just go go go go GO far far away. I'm going to keep this recap simple, because everybody sounded like glorious rock angels sent from Led Zeppelin heaven compared to the terrorist attack that is Danny Chokey.
Chokey must pay for whatever it is came out of his shit hole last night. The FCC needs to fine him, his church needs to excommunicate him and Peta needs to pour a gallon of red paint down his throat, because thousands of chickens WERE strangled to death in the making of that sound. During dress rehearsal, the stage manager fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. All signs point to Chokey's screech from hell. It is the cause of all the wrongdoings in this world.
The only good that could have come out of Chokey's "baby hyena in a blender" screech is if Simon Cowell threw Kara DioSTFUALREADY towards it and she turned into a pile of salt. Then Paula would've run on stage and snorted her up. If that happened, Kara wouldn't have embarrassed herself even more with the whole "Crazy" is "early Aerosmith" comment. Stupid bitch.
Chokey's performance should seal the deal. He basically sang his own execution song last night. Somebody should check on Steven Tyler, because I think hearing Chokey absolutely murder one of his songs caused him to dig a grave just so he could lie down and turn in it.
With all that being said, Cockey won't be put down tonight. The judges completely shrugged off that epic suckery off. Most of them said that Danny just wasn't in his element. If by "element" they meant "singing," then they are right. But that's not what they meant.
All signs still point to a Glamberace/Cockey finale. And this grosses me out. It should be Manic Panic's best girlfriend, Allison! Didn't her duet with Glamberace pretty much confirm this? I mean, Allison was pretty perfect last night. When she sang, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and cartons of Marlboro Reds danced around me. She already has the voice of a middle-aged crackhead rock star who may or may not love the pussay. How can you not love that?
As for Kris Allen, I hope you got enough of his "jizzing in a tube sock" facial expression last night, because I think he is done. You won't see them anymore. His army of horny tweens can't save him now.
Now on to GLAMBERACE! Breaking news! For once in my life, I actually liked him. Yes, everyone was waiting for THE QUEEN to take on Queen, but his version on Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" kind of stroked me the right way (my apologies for that lunch-killing visual). This was mostly because Glamberace is built like Foghorn Leghorn, so that's who I pictured singing this. That made a whole world of difference.
Now on to predictions:
Who will face execution?: Allison & Kris
Who will be executed?: Sadly, Kris....
P.S. - SLASH: I would totally let him rub my no-no with his nose ring. Who knew Slash could ever make me pucker?
It's time to put on your aluminum foil hats and discuss American Idol conspiracy theories! Last night, I was sort-of, kind-of, maybe drunked up while watching this mess, so it was a total blur. By the by, this is the way it was meant to be watched. The elimination episode of Idol is like doing sexy times with a fugly bitch you met at the bar. You don't know why you're doing it and you're filled with shame over it, but since you've already decided to, you might as well get as plastered as possible to ease the pain. The only problem is that when Danny Dorkey's "RDJ hit with the tard stick" face comes on the screen, I really can't control the barf nuggets from pouring out. They should throw a warning or some sawdust on his fugly ass face.
The only part I really remember last night was the OMG WTF WHY WHO HUH SHOCKING reveal that the unstoppable flying unicorn that is Glamberace was in the bottom 3 along with Kris Allen and Justin TimberMOLE. I really wasn't slapping my nipples out of shock, because I was waiting for the Idol producers to pull this fuckery out of their asses. This is some manipulative shit!
Shortly after Gaycrest puckered up his peen kisser and announced, Kris, The Mole and Glamberace as the bottom 3, he let Kris' sweet ass go back to safey. Then The Mole was finally burned off. That's when my eyeballs started doing calisthenics. Give me a break. They never said Glamberace was in the bottom 2, but the producers are trying to scare his crazy fans by making it seem like he was close to being executed. Some of the Glamberts might have been voting for Allison or Kris thinking Glamberace is safe, so now they are going to go back to punching it in for their precious rainbow prince. That means there will most likely be a Chokey and Glamberace finale. FIXED!
If Lens Crafters' favorite bitch wins this shit, I swear I will break into Simon's bathroom chambers and shave off the only thing that means anything to him: his titty fur.
And I have a question, why do I fucking care so much? I need to drink more, obviously.
Last night's American Idol was like the longest elevator ride ever. An elevator ride that just doesn't end. Although, some of the performances didn't have me staring at the emergency button just aching to yank it. But most of them did. I knew this wasn't going to be a fun time party hour when Jamie Foxx was revealed as the super secret mystery mentor. Jamie Foxx and The Rat Pack go together like Gaycrest and vaginas.
Jamie as their mentor was sometimes funny, sometimes helpful, but overall he was creepy as a Papa Joe. I wanted to scream at the contestants, "If he offers you a white wine spritzers, don't drink it! You'll wake up with a bleeding ass in the bath tub of a Super 8!" Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Now on to the butchery! JUMP!!
As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I'm his bitch.
Enough of that, let's talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!!
A funny thing happened on American Idol last night no. Not only did a rabid, shrieking beaver creature in a Windsor Fashions prom dress break into the studio and proceed to go into a seizure in the middle of the stage while police tried to control her with tear gas, but Matt Giraud aka THE MOLE was saaaaaaved!
The Mole, Lil Rounds and Anoooooop were in the bottom three and I was completely ready to blow air kisses to Lil's "hooker on a budget" wig, but Gaycrest's precious lips announced she was safe! So was Anoop! That's when I knew something in Paula's lude milkshake wasn't clean. Matt continued to sing for his supper while Paula and Kara did some kind of voodoo tribal dance at the judges table. Did you see that shit? After their dance, I ran outside thinking Paula's dance would make the sky rain Adderall pills. I stumbled back inside with a sad face because that didn't happen and found that the judges used that Power of Veto/Immunity Idol thing to save THE MOLE! That means two bitches get their heads chopped off next week.
Maybe someone spiked (SPOILER ALERT: Herself) Paula's sweet tea with the bad shit again and she started to hallucinate that Matt's MOLE would devour her alive if she didn't save him! That's why she begged Simon that she would give his furry titties a tongue bath for a week if he saved THE MOLE. Because really, we need to start letting these bitches go, so we can wrap this show up and go back to our miserable lives! Speaking of miserable, next week is disco week. Coincidentally, Rite-Aid is also having a sale on ear plugs and charcoal pills.
Adam Lambert the big gay lion has one more chance to make my donut hole spit glitter bombs for him. This will happen if he descends from the sky on a disco ball singing "Dancing Queen" while wearing this:
Simon! Oh, how I just want to fuck his fur tittays with a suppository (in a good way)! On last night's American Idol, Simon was like a big bowl of meth-spiked punch at the bore prom! If I got a penny for every time he rolled his eyes during one of the other judge's comments, I'd have enough money to replace Adam Lambert's tired old not-so-skinny jeans! Or Lil Rounds a new wig (we'll get to that later). More after the jump. JUMP!!!
Last night's American Idol confirmed to me that Kara DioPLEASEFALLINAHOLE is fucking with this shit! The dumb bitch's lock jaw is making it hard for her to get the words out fast enough thus making the show go over! Unlock that shit or hook your jaw up to the back of a truck and go home. Because the show went over, my raggedy Tivo didn't record all of Adam Lambert's performance. Kara is to blame. Or maybe the Idol producers pulled this trick out of their assholes to get us to watch the show live. Even if they gave me the phone number to Paula's back alley pharmacist, I still won't watch this fuckery live. Thank Cheesus for the internets, because I was able to see the performance everyone and their sperm donor was queefing glitter bombs over. So let's dissect after the jump. JUMP!!!
Just when she gets shoved back to the tattoo farm, Little Miss Sunny Joy brought out the bitch last night. This is what I was waiting for and it came too late! I always knew she wasn't only filled with sunshiney happy fun times. The cunt that Megan has been keeping quiet finally seeped out to bite one of Simon's fur tittays. It seemed like Megan was just over it. She was sick of fake smiling and sick of not being able to face fuck Danny Hokey with a hammer. Bitch was saying fuck Simon, fuck Paula, fuck Kara's ugly ass jaw, and fuck that big gay lion who shrieks like he's got a power strip in his ass! FUCK all of it! And Simon kicked her in the culo right back when he told her they wouldn't be using the dumb ass Power of Veto to save her. Although, Megan needs to leave that "caw caw" shit
Speaking of CACA, she performed on Idol last night! Okay, I try try try my hardest to give him a chance. I do. At the beginning, her little Carol Channing acid tab act didn't really bother me. But then she got up and that's when I felt like I needed to sound the whistle, so the dog catcher could come out and wrestle that rabies-infected beast to the floor before it infected someone. The bitch needed a Mace blast to the face. And I think Adam Lambert pulled the power strip out of his ass and shoved it up hers. That's the only thing that would explain the body seizure she calls dancing.
The clip is below. Put a spoon on your tongue just in case. And I know I'm not the only one who wanted her to zip up her whole face!
No, this picture is not of a one-girl tribute band to Tokio Hotel. It's not even the broken condom baby of a Sanrio store and a Hot Topic store. It's Allison looking like a Japanese Anime character vommed all over her. The judges just couldn't seem to get past this last night and I just couldn't get past how fucking stupid they are. I think Randy said, "blah...blah..blah....your outfit sucks, dawg!" or something like that. Okay, so she doesn't look as glittery as one of Paula Abdul's Vicodin pills, but bitch didn't look that awful!
No, Allison's "Don't Speak" didn't make me want to use my time to scour the internet to download an illegal copy of it, but it wasn't the worst of the night. And all the judges could say is how she looked like a punk rock skunk after getting hit by a semi. Constructive criticism: they are doing it wrong.
It wasn't surprising that they didn't make any mention of Adam Lambert's whole look. The bitch is looking more and more like a middle-aged female-to-male tranny doing a really bad impersonation of final days Elvis. No matter what Adam does, the judges will still crawl up his sparkle hole, steal his eggs and use that shit to impregnate themselves. Yeah, that's why Simon's chichis are looking more luscious than usual. He's knocked up with Adam's baby.
I mean, Paula Abdul even compared him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler!! D.A.R.E. just found the idea for their new campaign! Seriously, STEVEN TYLER?! More like MIA TYLER.
I can't even explain the big gay lion's performance of "Play That Funky Music" last night. I might have understood it if he performed it at Disneyland's Tomorrow Land while I was high on acid. That bitch was screeching like someone was waxing his asshole with liquid nails. Put a butt plug in it, take a Valium and calm the fuck down. This is American Idol, not American AHHHHHdol.
Now on to predictions. This is actually kind of hard, because last night's real theme was: SHIT! Sure, Kris Allen whispered sweet nothings into my peen hole, but nobody made me jizz in my chonies. But if I must guess:
Megan "Doesn't Bring Me" Joy - It's her time. I've had several servings of what she has to offer and spit up every last morsel. Megan has a voice that was meant to sing about dying hearts and cheating peens, not about rainbows and sunshine. Last night in heaven, Bob Marley emptied out his bong faster than normal after listening to Megan murder his song.. Bitch, take your happy ass shit elsewheres!
Anoop - Karaoke night is over. It's time to get back to your dorm room, Anoop. Curfew is up!
The 3rd bottom spot will either go to Allison, Scott or the Timberlake wannabe. Whores might have liked Scott's Olan Mills hair and his Billy Joel crooning, so my guess is that Allison will wrongfully be in the bottom.
They should keep all three of them and instead get rid of the most annoying gnat on that show: Kara DioSTFU. This ho actually said, "It's like Studio 57 in here!" I have five words for Kara: PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE YOU STUPID CUNT. Yeah, I know that's 6 words, but I'm using the Kara DioGuardi method of counting.
You know how there's a trillion pictures on the internet of passed out drunk whores whose friends think it will be really hilarious to graffiti all over their face and shit? Well, that's what Simon Cowell did to Paula Abdul on American Idol last night. Only her eyes were open. Yeah, she keeps 'em open whenever she passes out in a Vicodin haze. The Idol producers hired a professional to teach her how to do that, so nobody would know when she blacked out.
Simon brought out the Sharpie during Motown night, which always feels like I'm watching a 2-hour long commercial. Most of the songs should only be played during the couple's reunion on Wife Swap.
But some of the whore's made the best of it. Like that little tub of Manic Panic Allison Iraheta. Personally, I thought she gave the best performance of the night, but I'm afraid that she's going to be the star of one of those "OMGSOSHOCKINGWHAT" eliminations coming up. I just want to take her scratchy voice and use it to smooth out the acne on Adam Lambert's face. Adam should get her to sing a Janis Joplin song, so she could hit 60 on the grit-scale and sandblast those pimples right off his mug.
Speaking of Adam Laaaaambert the big gay lion, he nailed his K.D. Lang impersonation last night. He does K.D. better than she does herself (not like that). In fact, K.D. should quit whatever the hell she's doing, move to Las Vegas and become an Adam Lambert impersonator. Second career calling!
I'm always on the dildo with Adam. Just when I start to sort-of like what he's doing, the judges have to barf up all the gallons of jizz their body created while watching him perform. They need to calm down. They are making me not like him. Yes, his unicorn on helium voice is good sometimes, but the judges all want to shove themselves up his asshole, so that he can give birth to them. They should all run away together and just give Allison the fucking trophy. Also, I took a good look at his face last night and all I saw was a Max Factor factory.
As for who will be killed off tonight, I think it's down to three little whores:
Megan Joy Dorkey - For once in my life I wanted my TV to kill itself. I'm re-watching her shit right now and my dog cannot take his eyes off the screen. I think he's pulling a STAINS and is trying to use his eye powers to make her fucking stop! I like her voice, but she keeps singing all these Hallmark card songs. This bitch just doesn't get it and for that, she needs to go be pretty somewhere else.
Michael Sarver - Why is he still here? Why are we being forced to sleep through his performances?
Scott MacIntyre - Scott is sweet. And his pink pants were sweeter, but fuck he's as boring as lukewarm vegetable broth! When I say that I sleep through Sarver's performances, I fall into a coma when Scott comes on.
My final guess is that Michael Sarver will be banished from the world tonight.