American Idol

Everyone, everyone! It's time to visit with our favorite cuckoo philosopher, so that she can sprinkle whack-a-doodle cookies all around us! This time Roseanne is yapping about the evil glitter-hating American Idol! Even Arnold Schwartargarnagarzr (don't make me google for the correct spelling on a Saturday) makes a little cameo in her latest diatribe. And so does Pat Boooone! Put on your aluminum dunce caps and read on:

the u.s. elections! it's all for show and has no substance, offensive homophobic sexist and hateful. the closeted gay guy who goes to church won over the gay guy who is "out".

simon fuller never tells the truth, because the truth is that simon fuller hates originality and talent, and only likes what is common and hack. That is what american record buyers support--same shit different day... the white guy who sings with an emotional catch in his voice that little girls can have safe romantic sexual fantasies about. FUCKIN pat boone YUCK! cancel this atrocious show. the new girl looks like a boy in her bikini...she probably has a dick too. its all bullshit, just like everything else is all bullshit here, starting with that governor, an austrian closet case who hangs around with my ex husband who is a complete sociopathic LOON!

So basically Roseanne is saying that everyone involved in American Idol is gay? Gay or a tranny. That's basically what she's saying, right? Actually, I think she's saying EVERYONE on this planet we all live in is either gay or a tranny. Sounds sexy to me! Weeeeeee!

This is why whenever Roseanne's crazy bus comes rolling around, I run into the street and flag her down. Bitch makes about as much sense as a mute Chihuahua, but she always makes for great entertainment and that's all that counts. I mean, she used the words "Pat Boone, LOON and YUCK" in one post. AND she also thinks that Kara DioFUCKOFFALREADY's tuck game is weak. Now that is some shit I can co-sign.

Source: Roseanne's World VIA ONTD

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace's voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you're still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that's a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn't stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

Just when I thought Kara DioWHYDIDGODPUTYOUHERE couldn't singe my pubic hairs more than she already has, she had to go and do THAT on last night's American Idol finale. Who needs wax when you have this annoying slag to rip your taint bush out with her voice?

Truth is, I'd much rather see Simon Cowell in a two-piece, because we all know his furry tittays would really fill out that top. And that bikini makes Kara's jaw look fatter!

Kara, Bikini Skank and Bikini Skank's leased Jello mold breasts joined forces to slowly destroy Mimi's Vision of Love. I think that performance made Mimi go crazy again. Expect to see her rainbow ass shimmying down Times Square again with an ice cream cart.

When is Simon going to tell Kara to return her jaw to Sandra Bernard and go home (aka HELL) permanently!

I know you were hoping that when Tatiana Del Toro came back to American Idol tonight, the judges would all fall to her feet and beg for her forgiveness. They would shower her roses and declare that she's the rightful winner of American Idol. Then Tati would screech like a trillion Glamberaces causing the theater to crumble and crash on all of them. Unfortunately, that's not how it went down. But see who got crowned the prettiest prettiest boy in all the land. JUMP!

What's it about American Idol and the loons? Paula's stalker, Paula herself, Tatiana Del Toro and now this crazy bitch who tried to choke the caca out of Terri Seymour? They should hand out ludes before every Idol taping, because some hos just need to calm down!

TMZ says that while Simon Cowell's ex titty fluffer, Terri Seymour, was leaving the finale last night, some maniac came up to her and asked if she was Simon's lady. The crazy bitch then tried to get her hands on Terri's froat, so she could choke her ass! The coppers arrived and took the alleged choker, Janice Thibodeaux, down to the big house. 200lb Janice was arrested and is currently being held on $52,7000 bail. Janice's brother and sister told TMZ that she isn't crazy. That's exactly what my family tells people when asked what's wrong with me. But seriously, they knew that bitch was crazy, because she probably pulled the wings off of butterflies as a child.

And why would I not be surprised if Janice Thibodeaux turned out to be Paula Abdul in a fat suit she bought at the Norbit lot sale? Janice Thibodeaux is the name she gives to her back alley pharmacists.

Isn't that gif the most precious thing you've ever seen? I just want to spread my no-no and give birth to it, so I can burp, rock and sing to it. It's that special. If your nipple holes aren't singing, then I don't know what to say to you. So.........

Tonight is finally the night where our misery ends and the prettiest girl at the party gets her sash and tiara! So who will it be? The glittery unicorn or the orgasm-faced coffee shop singer? Dial Idol says Kris has a teeny tiny lead, but their asses don't count text votes and they've been wrong a lot of this season. So take that with a grain of tang.

I could see it going either way. They are both very different creatures. Watching Glamberace perform is like getting your salad tossed by a fluttery fairy. Like last night, during his "Phantomess of the Opera" (good call, Simey) performance of "Mad Word," all that smoke didn't come from a machine. That shit came from Glamberace's magic hole! And if he wins tonight, a disco ball will pop out of his head and a chorus of 14k gold-plated elves will dance out of his peen hole. That's why no matter what happens, he should pack up all his Lip Service jeans and fly over to Las Vegas. The lights may short-circuit when he arrives, but that's where that bitch belongs. Only his "Steven Tyler getting castrated" screech could be heard over the millions of slot machines in Vegas. And really, his performances would be so much better with an open sundae buffet.

On to Kris.... Kris looks like he just came back from shooting a guest appearance on One Tree Hill where he played the dreamy college dude who can make pussays burst with his acoustic serenading (which he does nightly on the steps of the library). There was a time when I had to take a morning-after-pill after watching Kris' performance, because I thought his jizz faces were going to knock me up. So I understand why horny tweens would kill their cell phones voting for him. That's why it's a total toss-up for me. I could see it going either way.

When they opened up voting last night, why didn't they have a number where you could call and vote Kara DioSWALLOWYOURSELFWHOLEALREADY off the island?! I'm being serious! That fucking song she wrote for the finale should be the final nail in her coffin! It's like Michael Bolton's debut album ate a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and shat that mess out. I just hope that when Glamberace gets crowned (okay, I admit that ho is going to win), Simon covers Kara in lube and makes Seacrest sit on her, so she can disappear forever. That's my only wish for tonight!

Oh and I have another wish. I hope Glamberace performs "A Change Is Gonna Come" again, but does it like this instead:

GIF VIA ONTD

Whose dreams have been crushed, killed and buried tonight? Find out after the jump. JUMP!!!

Paula Abdul never lets me down. She was so mild and calm during last night's episode and then suddenly right after Glamberace's second performance, she dropped a beautiful morphine-laced jewel in all our laps. The lidocaine she injected into her eyeball during the commercial break must have kicked in. NO, I didn't say that! It's just her natural craziness. The completely sober Paula said, "You've set the bar so high in the sky! I hope you're collecting frequent flier miles. You will be flying for free everywhere." Honey, you're the only one flying high in that room and that's why my no-heart thumps for you. Paula then twitched a little and looked like a homeless crazy junkie trying to flick off the invisible fleas that the government planted there to read her thoughts. I love her so.

As for the performances, does Kris Allen really have to go? Just when I was getting used to his seizure mouth, he's going to slide away. Even if he got all nakies and his peen sang "America the Beautiful" in perfect pitch, it still wouldn't be enough. And that's gross, because his version of Kanye West's "Heartless" was thee best of the evening. I didn't fart once during it and that's a compliment. I've been waiting for Gay Fish to pop the CAPS-KEY and proclaim, "THIS IS A FUCKING FARCE!!!1!!! BITCH, BOGUS!", but he probably didn't watch, because he's too busy creating high art for the world to ponder.

Kris doing Kanye made up for his microwaved squash version of "Apologize" which obviously needed more Felix Cane. I blame Kara for this, because she sucks at everything. She sucks at moving her jaw correctly and she sucks at picking songs for dreamboats.

Before I went to bed, I prayed to The Empress of Lucite to please bring the machete down on Danny Chokey's head! I am so sick of his FACE and his dyke-approved glasses. And that caca-eating grin. Ugh. I just want to cover him in baby wipes and throw a diaper over his mouth. Both of his performances last night she could have come complete with a tub of piping hot Purell, because that shit made me feel like all filthy-like (and not in a good way). Chokey is just so damn slimy with the way he slithers around the stage and tries to manipulate us. His performance of "You Are So Beautiful To Me" was like getting a Hallmark card filled with butt jelly. Yeah, I guess can he sing alright, but I'd rather get ear fucked by a porcupine than have to listen to him again.

Now on to the big queen of the hour... No, not Gaycrest. I'm talking about Glamberace! It doesn't matter what I say. This bitch will win. He already won. I can already see the wings started to sprout out of his ass and the glittery halo above his head. He's already an angel to the judges and half of America.

I wish they would just give him the tiara already and put us out of our misery! His performance of "One" had me until the screeching pussy in heat jumped out of his mouth again. And even though his version of "Cryin'" had my ears crying from all that hollerin', I still loved that he chose it. Glamberace totally kicked Danny in the ass bone for completely murdering an Aerosmith song last week. For that reason alone, he deserves to be in the finals. Any hater of Gokey is a best girlfriend of mine!

On to the predictions:

Who will be executed: Kris, right? But please twist your nipples and hope for a Gokey execution!

P.S. - Was it just me or did anybody notice the stain on Simon's t-shirt. It was right near his furry tittay. Gaycrest needs to aim better next time!

No, unfortunately Kara DioGOTOHELLALREADY was not the bitch who was sent back into the gutter of tears. The ho who was axed is after the jump. JUMP!!!