American Idol

Posh's bony ass blew into Denver yesterday on a paper airplane to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol next to Hackey McClutchJaw and Simon "The Titty" Cowell. According to Radar, not everyone was clapping with their labia lips when they saw Posh. Some contestants were disappointed that Paula wasn't there. Obviously, these contestants don't go on the internet, watch TV, listen to radio, talk to other people or read the "breaking news" section of their PharmRep Magazine, because every bitch knew Paula wasn't going to be there.

Some source-type (aka Paula's day-shift dealer) added, "It didn't go too well. She tried to hard to be 'nice,' but came off as icy and wooden."

If they expected Posh to be crying, then they need to quit sniffing Paula's homemade paste and come back down to Earth. Posh can't cry, because if she sheds one liquid tear, she will immediately dehydrate and turn into a lump of bone dust. And we already know she's as icy as Nicole Kidman's bare clit in a snowstorm. We know this and would expect nothing less.

I shall end this post with some pictures of our Vicodin Viking rising from the ashes by greeting her public at Burbank Airport yesterday. If that Officer Pepaw only knew what was in her bag....

After reading about the sadness that is Sam the koala's death (see below), we all could use a laugh. So here's one: Posh Beckham is going to be a guest judge on American Idol. You know, that singing competition. Yes, Posh is actually going to judge people's singing abilities. I'm not saying that Paula Abdul was Pavarotti, but DAMN TO THE FUCK! I mean, this isn't America's Next Mayjah Non-Food-Eater or America's Next Mayjah Non-Smiler. Although, both of those would be good shows.

Posh's spokeswhore tells SkyNews that this is just going to be a one night stand. Posh isn't about to replace our very little crazy pillhead. Besides, Posh is too busy working on her fashion line and walking through airports in ankle-killing heels. Seriously, she's always walking through airports.

Okay, Posh on Idol could be entertaining if her critiques are something along the line of this: (picture her saying this to a girl who weighs less than a lima bean) "You know, your voice could be mayjah if you weren't SO FUCKING FAT."

In other news, Michael Vick has just been announced as a permanent judge on Groomer Has It!

TMZ is saying that when Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that she is not returning to American Idol next season, she was basically handing in her resignation. The producers still thought they were in negotiations with Vicodin's forever girl. Basically, Paula quit a job via Twitter. The internet has gone too far.

Apparently, Paula, who made around $2 million last season, asked for a 500% raise. Paula didn't feel loved by the producers when she read that Gaycrest was getting $45 million for 3 years and Simon was getting $100 million per year. When she asked for $20 million, the producers laughed until they queefed and then countered with $10 million. Instead of countering back, Paula decided to Tweet her farewell and the producers took that as her official bow. A couple of hours later, they issued a statement confirming that the crazy has left the building for good. And this morning, the stock for Vicodin hit the sky, because everyone knew where Paula was heading....

This is not the end of Paula on American Idol! I can't wait to see the look on those whore's faces when Paula comes skipping into auditions disguised as a 14-year-old girl named "Skaterina Kat" wearing her outfit from Junior High School: THE MOVIE. We're goooona have a paaaartaaaaaaay!

Oh, Paula, you'll always have the golden ticket (aka a blank prescription pad) to my HEART!

Image VIA Woman's Day

"Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense." - Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we're fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills - SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore. Sads.

There's really something wrong with us as a civilization when a Vicodin-covered diamond like Paula Abdul can't get what she wants from American Idol producers, but Kara DioGagMeRoughly can. E!'s Marc Malkin has confirmed that Kara will reprise her role as "the useless one" on American Idol. A source said, "Her deal is done. There are no ifs, ands or buts. Done. She will be back."

Apparently, Kara's new paycheck doesn't have nearly as many zeros as the other judge's checks. If you ask me, if you paid her ass with Randy Jackson's old back fat skin, one of Simon's titty milk-stained t-shirts and one session with Ryan Gaycrest's ass hair plucker, it would still be too much.

Tivo needs to come out with a new BLOCK KARA'S WONKED UP JAW feature. Whenever Kara tries to unlock her jaw to talk, Keyboard Cat can step in to save us from fucking our ears with hot knives.

Alexis Cohen aka Glitter Girl was hit by a car and killed early Saturday morning in Seaside Heights, NJ. She was only 25. The police say they are treating her death as a homicide and currently looking for the hit-and-run driver.

Alexis first auditioned for American Idol during season 7. The judges didn't give her a golden ticket which caused her to launch into a rant where she told Simon Cowell to fuck off and said she was going to pursue actressing (!!!!).

Alexis cleaned up her look and auditioned again the next season, but she was also rejected. And she once again, delivered a giant F U to Simon.

I'd like to think that Alexis is sitting up in heaven, still flipping Simon off.

The callback auditions for American Idol start on August 6th and Paula Abdul might be missing from the judges table! This time, the reason for Paula's absence will not be because she's passed out face-first in the toilet in the ladies room No. Paula might not be there, because the hos in charge of Idol have yet to send her a proposal for a new contract.

Fur Tittays Cowell just signed a new contract for around $100 million, but the producers have forgotten all about the little crazy who can.

Paula's manager told The Los Angeles Times, "Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows."

The word "hurtful" doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities the producers are putting Paula through! I might have to down a few cups of Paula's "weekend brew" (made with Darvocet dust, Diet Mountain Dew, dextromethorphan oil, fermented peaches and a drop of Simon's nipple nectar, ) just to deal with this awful news. If you can't get a hold of Simon's nipple nectar (Gaycrest, you are excused from this conversation), you can use garter snake saliva instead. But I digress.....

Paula is the Krazy Glue that holds the show together! I mean, you can replace Randy with one of the Budweiser Frogs and Kara DioJUSTSTOPALREADY with Jigsaw from Saw, but Paula is irreplaceable!

I use this quote from Paula often, but this time it really rings true: "I scratch my head and I wonder, 'Where is god when you need him?,' because this does not make sense!"

The Mormon daddy of David Archuleta, the baby-teethed mouth breather from American Idol, was arrested this past January in Utah for allegedly soliciting a prostitute whore in a massage parlor. Busted after busting a nut? Ain't that a stone-cold bitch.

Radar says that Jeffrey James Archuleta was involved in a police raid on a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. The police sergeant said the massage parlor's landlord knew something in the jizz wasn't clean when he noticed that the employees were always dressed like sluts. When the police sergeant couldn't find a business license for the hand job factory, they raided the joint! There was only one john there at the time and it happened to be none-other-than David Archuleta's papa je'e'!

They found Papa Archie laying on his belly with a masseuse wearing lace panties standing over him. When the police asked him if he got sexy with the leased ho, Papa Archie admitted that he had. He also said he found the place on Craigslist (enough said). Papa Archie was cited and released. His second release of the day!

Papa Archie's lawyer is now chirping that his client never got milked during the massage. He said his client went to the massage parlor for a back problem. IT WAS A BACK PROBLEM! A. BACK. PROBLEM. I believe him. Any fully-trained licensed massage therapist will tell you that the quickest way to relieving back pain is a finger up the asshole and a jerk of the peen. It works every time and it's not sexual. When it involves rubber gloves, it's medical!

This is actually a big bowl of laughs, because wasn't David's father a total cunt during American Idol? I think he yelled at people constantly and was even banned from the set a few times. We can just blame it on his back problem.

Glamberace has never come out and said that he likes a fresh tossed salad after his dinner (very French of him) or that he likes to brush his teeth with a Colgate-covered peen in the morning. He's never denied it and he's never fully admitted it. My guess is that he's well aware that anybody with eyes (working or not) knows that he tingles for wang. We know it. He knows we know. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Right? Right. Well, Kara DiosMioSHUTUPNOW took it upon herself to comment about it on The View today (it airs tomorrow).

When Barbara Walters asked Kara whether or not she believes that Glambert's sexuality played a part in him losing to Kris, the hard-jawed snatch said, "Well, first of all, I hope not ... because we should be judging on talent and viability in the music industry and they both had that. I don't think that Adam was ever in the closet. I think he was always openly out." Then Barbara, who probably couldn't hear too good, asked if she felt Glambert was openly out, Kara said, "I think he was. I mean from what I've seen ... I do. I never thought he wasn't."

Well, that was nice of her. But more importantly, why is she still here?! When Idol ended, why didn't Simon let her suckle on his tittay a little for nourishment and then shove her back into the cave they found her from?

Get on the phone to AT&T now and screeeeech at them for being *glitter* H8RS. Tell them that their efforts have failed, because the big unicorn will fly high above the corn fields one day soon. Seriously, AT&T has probably been flooded with calls from vicious Glamberts ever since The New York Times published their Idol conspiracy theory article last night.

The Times says that AT&T dropped by several viewing parties thrown by Kris Allen fans in Arkansas to teach them how to send "power texts." Power texting allows you to send 10 or more texts at once just by pressing one button. AT&T, who is the only carrier you can use to send votes by text, also gave Kris Allen fans phones to use.

The company confirms that they did have reps at two parties after the final performance episode last week. They said: “In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested.”

So why would AT&T and Idol do this? Well, some say because they didn't want a sparkly precious unicorn prince to win (translation: not the gay).

You know, Glamberace didn't need the shiny crown anyway. He will be have an illustrious career screeching rock versions of show tunes in Las Vegas. And Kris will become the most requested coffee shop chanteuse of all-time. They will both be fine.