American Idol

The Mormon daddy of David Archuleta, the baby-teethed mouth breather from American Idol, was arrested this past January in Utah for allegedly soliciting a prostitute whore in a massage parlor. Busted after busting a nut? Ain't that a stone-cold bitch.

Radar says that Jeffrey James Archuleta was involved in a police raid on a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. The police sergeant said the massage parlor's landlord knew something in the jizz wasn't clean when he noticed that the employees were always dressed like sluts. When the police sergeant couldn't find a business license for the hand job factory, they raided the joint! There was only one john there at the time and it happened to be none-other-than David Archuleta's papa je'e'!

They found Papa Archie laying on his belly with a masseuse wearing lace panties standing over him. When the police asked him if he got sexy with the leased ho, Papa Archie admitted that he had. He also said he found the place on Craigslist (enough said). Papa Archie was cited and released. His second release of the day!

Papa Archie's lawyer is now chirping that his client never got milked during the massage. He said his client went to the massage parlor for a back problem. IT WAS A BACK PROBLEM! A. BACK. PROBLEM. I believe him. Any fully-trained licensed massage therapist will tell you that the quickest way to relieving back pain is a finger up the asshole and a jerk of the peen. It works every time and it's not sexual. When it involves rubber gloves, it's medical!

This is actually a big bowl of laughs, because wasn't David's father a total cunt during American Idol? I think he yelled at people constantly and was even banned from the set a few times. We can just blame it on his back problem.

Glamberace has never come out and said that he likes a fresh tossed salad after his dinner (very French of him) or that he likes to brush his teeth with a Colgate-covered peen in the morning. He's never denied it and he's never fully admitted it. My guess is that he's well aware that anybody with eyes (working or not) knows that he tingles for wang. We know it. He knows we know. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Right? Right. Well, Kara DiosMioSHUTUPNOW took it upon herself to comment about it on The View today (it airs tomorrow).

When Barbara Walters asked Kara whether or not she believes that Glambert's sexuality played a part in him losing to Kris, the hard-jawed snatch said, "Well, first of all, I hope not ... because we should be judging on talent and viability in the music industry and they both had that. I don't think that Adam was ever in the closet. I think he was always openly out." Then Barbara, who probably couldn't hear too good, asked if she felt Glambert was openly out, Kara said, "I think he was. I mean from what I've seen ... I do. I never thought he wasn't."

Well, that was nice of her. But more importantly, why is she still here?! When Idol ended, why didn't Simon let her suckle on his tittay a little for nourishment and then shove her back into the cave they found her from?

Get on the phone to AT&T now and screeeeech at them for being *glitter* H8RS. Tell them that their efforts have failed, because the big unicorn will fly high above the corn fields one day soon. Seriously, AT&T has probably been flooded with calls from vicious Glamberts ever since The New York Times published their Idol conspiracy theory article last night.

The Times says that AT&T dropped by several viewing parties thrown by Kris Allen fans in Arkansas to teach them how to send "power texts." Power texting allows you to send 10 or more texts at once just by pressing one button. AT&T, who is the only carrier you can use to send votes by text, also gave Kris Allen fans phones to use.

The company confirms that they did have reps at two parties after the final performance episode last week. They said: “In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested.”

So why would AT&T and Idol do this? Well, some say because they didn't want a sparkly precious unicorn prince to win (translation: not the gay).

You know, Glamberace didn't need the shiny crown anyway. He will be have an illustrious career screeching rock versions of show tunes in Las Vegas. And Kris will become the most requested coffee shop chanteuse of all-time. They will both be fine.

Everyone, everyone! It's time to visit with our favorite cuckoo philosopher, so that she can sprinkle whack-a-doodle cookies all around us! This time Roseanne is yapping about the evil glitter-hating American Idol! Even Arnold Schwartargarnagarzr (don't make me google for the correct spelling on a Saturday) makes a little cameo in her latest diatribe. And so does Pat Boooone! Put on your aluminum dunce caps and read on:

the u.s. elections! it's all for show and has no substance, offensive homophobic sexist and hateful. the closeted gay guy who goes to church won over the gay guy who is "out".

simon fuller never tells the truth, because the truth is that simon fuller hates originality and talent, and only likes what is common and hack. That is what american record buyers support--same shit different day... the white guy who sings with an emotional catch in his voice that little girls can have safe romantic sexual fantasies about. FUCKIN pat boone YUCK! cancel this atrocious show. the new girl looks like a boy in her bikini...she probably has a dick too. its all bullshit, just like everything else is all bullshit here, starting with that governor, an austrian closet case who hangs around with my ex husband who is a complete sociopathic LOON!

So basically Roseanne is saying that everyone involved in American Idol is gay? Gay or a tranny. That's basically what she's saying, right? Actually, I think she's saying EVERYONE on this planet we all live in is either gay or a tranny. Sounds sexy to me! Weeeeeee!

This is why whenever Roseanne's crazy bus comes rolling around, I run into the street and flag her down. Bitch makes about as much sense as a mute Chihuahua, but she always makes for great entertainment and that's all that counts. I mean, she used the words "Pat Boone, LOON and YUCK" in one post. AND she also thinks that Kara DioFUCKOFFALREADY's tuck game is weak. Now that is some shit I can co-sign.

Source: Roseanne's World VIA ONTD

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace's voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you're still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that's a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn't stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

Just when I thought Kara DioWHYDIDGODPUTYOUHERE couldn't singe my pubic hairs more than she already has, she had to go and do THAT on last night's American Idol finale. Who needs wax when you have this annoying slag to rip your taint bush out with her voice?

Truth is, I'd much rather see Simon Cowell in a two-piece, because we all know his furry tittays would really fill out that top. And that bikini makes Kara's jaw look fatter!

Kara, Bikini Skank and Bikini Skank's leased Jello mold breasts joined forces to slowly destroy Mimi's Vision of Love. I think that performance made Mimi go crazy again. Expect to see her rainbow ass shimmying down Times Square again with an ice cream cart.

When is Simon going to tell Kara to return her jaw to Sandra Bernard and go home (aka HELL) permanently!

I know you were hoping that when Tatiana Del Toro came back to American Idol tonight, the judges would all fall to her feet and beg for her forgiveness. They would shower her roses and declare that she's the rightful winner of American Idol. Then Tati would screech like a trillion Glamberaces causing the theater to crumble and crash on all of them. Unfortunately, that's not how it went down. But see who got crowned the prettiest prettiest boy in all the land. JUMP!

What's it about American Idol and the loons? Paula's stalker, Paula herself, Tatiana Del Toro and now this crazy bitch who tried to choke the caca out of Terri Seymour? They should hand out ludes before every Idol taping, because some hos just need to calm down!

TMZ says that while Simon Cowell's ex titty fluffer, Terri Seymour, was leaving the finale last night, some maniac came up to her and asked if she was Simon's lady. The crazy bitch then tried to get her hands on Terri's froat, so she could choke her ass! The coppers arrived and took the alleged choker, Janice Thibodeaux, down to the big house. 200lb Janice was arrested and is currently being held on $52,7000 bail. Janice's brother and sister told TMZ that she isn't crazy. That's exactly what my family tells people when asked what's wrong with me. But seriously, they knew that bitch was crazy, because she probably pulled the wings off of butterflies as a child.

And why would I not be surprised if Janice Thibodeaux turned out to be Paula Abdul in a fat suit she bought at the Norbit lot sale? Janice Thibodeaux is the name she gives to her back alley pharmacists.

Isn't that gif the most precious thing you've ever seen? I just want to spread my no-no and give birth to it, so I can burp, rock and sing to it. It's that special. If your nipple holes aren't singing, then I don't know what to say to you. So.........

Tonight is finally the night where our misery ends and the prettiest girl at the party gets her sash and tiara! So who will it be? The glittery unicorn or the orgasm-faced coffee shop singer? Dial Idol says Kris has a teeny tiny lead, but their asses don't count text votes and they've been wrong a lot of this season. So take that with a grain of tang.

I could see it going either way. They are both very different creatures. Watching Glamberace perform is like getting your salad tossed by a fluttery fairy. Like last night, during his "Phantomess of the Opera" (good call, Simey) performance of "Mad Word," all that smoke didn't come from a machine. That shit came from Glamberace's magic hole! And if he wins tonight, a disco ball will pop out of his head and a chorus of 14k gold-plated elves will dance out of his peen hole. That's why no matter what happens, he should pack up all his Lip Service jeans and fly over to Las Vegas. The lights may short-circuit when he arrives, but that's where that bitch belongs. Only his "Steven Tyler getting castrated" screech could be heard over the millions of slot machines in Vegas. And really, his performances would be so much better with an open sundae buffet.

On to Kris.... Kris looks like he just came back from shooting a guest appearance on One Tree Hill where he played the dreamy college dude who can make pussays burst with his acoustic serenading (which he does nightly on the steps of the library). There was a time when I had to take a morning-after-pill after watching Kris' performance, because I thought his jizz faces were going to knock me up. So I understand why horny tweens would kill their cell phones voting for him. That's why it's a total toss-up for me. I could see it going either way.

When they opened up voting last night, why didn't they have a number where you could call and vote Kara DioSWALLOWYOURSELFWHOLEALREADY off the island?! I'm being serious! That fucking song she wrote for the finale should be the final nail in her coffin! It's like Michael Bolton's debut album ate a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and shat that mess out. I just hope that when Glamberace gets crowned (okay, I admit that ho is going to win), Simon covers Kara in lube and makes Seacrest sit on her, so she can disappear forever. That's my only wish for tonight!

Oh and I have another wish. I hope Glamberace performs "A Change Is Gonna Come" again, but does it like this instead:

GIF VIA ONTD