American Idol

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!

While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:

Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.

To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.

Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.

Yesterday, The Wrap posted a story about how FOX is planning to take a giant Magic Eraser to American Idol and get rid of everything except the title and Ryan Semencrest. FOX apparently wants to drop Randy Jackson, Nicki Minaj, Mimi, Keith Urban and Idol's executive producer Nygel Lythgoe into the trash and start all over again. If The Wrap is right, then FOX is one pink slip closer to completing its plan, because they have muzzled the dawg pound.

Randy Jackson told E! that he's taking his final bow this season and won't be back next season:

"Yo! Yo! Yo! To put all of the speculation to the rest, after 12 years of judging on American Idol I have decided it is time to leave after this season."

"I have to decided it is time to leave..." Yes, let's just pretend like Randy Jackson's the one who packed up all his shit and left on his own, and the producers didn't put his water and food bowl outside of the exit door to let him know that he can move on now. Now you know he got fired. I'm sure Idol will replace him with a Randy Jackson soundboard that will spit out lines like "Yo yo, dawg, that was pitchy, dawg" at the touch of a button. But whatever....

Now Randy Jackson can FINALLY go back to Journey.

American Idol put the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of Happy Sunshine Hello Kitties on its judges' panel this season, because they thought that she'd bring millions of eyeballs to their show and they'd be #1 again. The opposite happened. After the season premiere, the ratings started sagging lower than the extra-meaty fur dumplings on Simon Cowell's chest and it's making the producers and FOX freak out.

The Hollywood Reporter says that a few weeks ago, producers tried to shake things up by pushing Mimi out to bring JLo back. When Mimi found out about their scheme, her team of lawyers threatened to sue them and Ryan Seacrest started to cry thinking that his anal bleaching budget would be cut, so the producers backed off. They decided that once the season ends, they'll replace Mimi, Nicki Minaj and possibly Randy Jackson and Keith Urban.

The producers thought that putting Mimi and Nicki at the same table would make the show's ratings touch the rainbows, because who doesn't love watching a shade-throwing fight between two Garanimals on acid? But a source says that viewers hate Mimi and Nicki's dynamic and "the core viewer is a midwestern, Southern, older woman who is threatened by Nicki’s aggressiveness."

FOX denied all of this and Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe told THR that he knows nothing of this.

I stopped regularly watching Idol after they dropped Paula Abdul, because it just wasn't the same without that human Vicodin pill of a mess. It's like showing up to a family gathering and finding out that your drunk auntie isn't there. You sit there, eating cold chicken and overcooked rice with soggy carrots in it, but you just can't have a good time without your drunk auntie falling into potted plants and calling you by your sister's name.

After Paula left, Idol became all about the judges. I couldn't even tell you the first names of the past 5 white dudes who won. Idol should just drop the singing part, reboot that mess and call it The Search For The Next American Idol Judge, because the behind-the-scenes crap sounds way more exciting than anything that happens on that stage.

Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj's head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn't replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler  made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.

Here's Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:

And I know Steven Tyler's got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.

via Daily Mail 

The highlight from last night's season premiere of American Idol was Mimi's response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You'd think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol's ratings up, up and away, but it didn't. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she's too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.

Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won't win the week. That title will go to your memaw's favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week's episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn't the #1 show during its premiere week.

Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn't tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don't remember one bitch's singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki's eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn't a singing competition anymore. It's not even a sad story competition anymore. It's a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!

But who's not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan's full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi's salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!

(Pic via Tumblr)

I woke up today in a puddle of sticky sickness and feeling like death warmed over a Kardashian queef, but this video of Mimi being Mimi at her Mimi-est has temporarily soothed all of my senses. This is the only medicine I need today. During an interview for the next season of American Idol, Mimi nearly strained her next muscle by trying to keep the camera from picking up her ugly side. While Ryan Gaycrest, Randy Jackson and the refugee from Fraggle Rock pooted at the mouth about Idol shit, Mimi  awkwardly squirmed around like John Travolta in a room full of vaginas. Mimi did not want the camera to get her left side.

Mimi didn't want to be there, but since she had to be there, she made it as glamorous as possible by giving the camera several servings of her exquisitely crafted right side, which looks like a unicorn's profile under a shower of moonlight. Or maybe Mimi kept turning her head, because she was trying to get away from inhaling the stench of silica gel packets and bronze-infused farts wafting off of Nicki and Ryan Gaycrest.

Mimi looks like the epitome of ridiculous, but I can't fully hate on her while she's wearing Brenda Walsh's prom dress.

Source: ONTD via Gawker

"Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up..." is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.

Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, "If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch," while walking off set. Mimi doesn't feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she's commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they'd probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.

Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here's just a few of Nicki's insane tweets:

Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.

Barbara walters didn't reach out from our team barbz. I guess we're too dangerous. Don't shake if u don't wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo

I don't call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.

I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we've had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn

I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I'm bout to po dot tea.

All I do is compliment u. That's not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don't have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady...

Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole' lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.

Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.

Keith Urban's got wig burns all over his face today and it's all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don't want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.

TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:

Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”

Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”

Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”

Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”

Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”

Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn't some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.

Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

And I'm responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

UPDATE: And here's TMZ's transcript of this beautiful wreck:

Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don't lose your head. Don't lose your head (inaudible). Don't tell me I'm a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I'm-ma take it back, and if you've got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I'm not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.

No, this isn't a still from The Wuzzles reunion special. This is Mimi, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson on the first day of filming American Idol season 3,987 in NYC over the weekend. FOX confirmed Nicki and Keith as judges and shrugged their shoulders in a "sure, why not?" kind of way when Randy Jackson sneakily rolled in on his own chair and pushed himself into this picture, because what else is he going to do?

TMZ says that a quick second into judging, it became clear that Mimi hates Nicki and Nicki hates Mimi. When the producers told Mimi a while ago that they were adding a screaming acid wig with butt implants to the judges table, she hung up the phone on their faces. So it's no surprise that several times when Nicki opened up her raver hyena mouth to judge one of the contestants, Mimi tried to shut her talk hole up by loudly talking over her. Proving that it's not easy to shut up a screeching trick who sounds like a chipmunk getting strangled during a seizure, Nicki drowned Mimi out by talking louder. During Mimi and Nick's diva bitch off, Keith Urban quietly cut off his luscious hair and calmly braided it into a long noose so he could hang himself from the boom mic.

Mimi and Nicki need to get over themselves, because neither of them is the true diva bitch of that set. Wait until they witness the dramatic cunt queen hissy fit Ryan Gaycrest will have when he walks into his dressing room and catches Keith Urban playing with his favorite highlighting cap.