Hogans

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke's album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn't want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.

While you were buying economy-sized condoms, suppositories and a jumbo bottle of Chardonnay at Wal-Mart in Cooper City, FL yesterday, you might have run into Brooke Hogan in the tube sock section signing copies of her van door portrait called Redemption. After the autograph signing, I hope you stuck around to watch Brooke demonstrate how to achieve a perfect tuck using a BVD jockstrap, frozen Otter Pops and Equate brand panty liners.

Last night, Brooke put her tuck game to the test by performing her famous drag show at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel with her mini-boyfriend Stack$ (pronounced: a-hole).

Thanks to all Brooke's hard work and dedication this weekend I'm sure her album will go double aluminum foil. At least!

This public display of pure organic fuckery does not belong on the cover of an album. It belongs on the hood of a Trans-Am owned by a tranny chaser. This is every kind of WRONG. I know the recession has made all of us do some shit we're not proud of, but getting your album artwork drawn by a fourth-rate t-shirt airbrush artist from your local strip mall is not the answer.

VIA Idolator

If I was kissing my dad on the check and opened up my eyes to see a carbon copy of me looking back at me, I'd immediately run my ass to the bathroom and recreate the scene from The Legend of Billie Jean where she chops all her hair off in the mirror all emotional-like. Then I'd dip my head in a bowl of black RIT dye and take the next catamaran to a faraway land where no Hogans exist. I'm for serious. Look at Brooke Hogan and her daddy's girlfriend! Yes, one has 50% more non-biodegradable materials in her tittay area, but they could still be twinsies. It's not right and it's not okay.

And you know Hulk isn't the only thing looking up and thanking the lord for this magical moment. Yesh, his one-eyed wang said a "thank you prayer" before it barfed into Hulk's panties. WHY?! Keep this shit under lock and key.

Here's the "always good for the creeps" Hogans at Brooke's 10th annual 21st birthday party at Pure in Las Vegas last night.

Hulk Hogan said this to Rolling Stone: "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

Linda Hogan has taken that statement, blended it down, rolled it into a tube, dipped it in plastic, let it dry for 48-hours and is now using it to fuck Hulk where it counts: in the wallet. Linda filed papers in court requesting a flat fee of $24,000 AND $8,200 more a month so that she can move to California to get away from Hulk. You know, because she thinks he might pull an OJ on her.

If Hulk doesn't give her more money, Linda will file a domestic violence injunction against him.

Just because Linda looks like a male pot-bellied pig dressed in drag as Hatchet-Face from Cry-Baby, doesn't mean she has chicharrones for brains. Linda probably wanted to move to Los Angeles anyway, so she used Hulk's words as a way to get there without dipping into her own purse (which he funds). Get that money, tranny! And when you do, use some of that money to get a mother/daughter peen snip with Brooke.

Brooke Hogan proved that she's one of the most skilled tuckers in the game while filming her new music video in Miami yesterday afternoon. Brooke let her dick down for a quick minute so that she could poke her new boyfriend, Stack$, in his peen catcher when he visited her on set. Yes, he goes by the name Stack$. That shit is about as hardcore as a fluffy kitten nibbling on a piece of pink cotton candy. Going by your Xbox360 Gamertag in real life is not a good idea.

Brooke and Stack$ (I can't with that name) are seriously the "El Camino on cement blocks" version of Brit Brit and KFed. That says everything. Although, I have to give it to Brooke that she didn't follow in the Hogan family tradition of licking the asshole of someone who looks a blood relative.

The mixture of roids and peroxide has fried most of Hulk Hogan's brains including his filter, so that's why fucked up shit tends to come out of his mouth freely. In the new Rolling Stone (via Page Six), Hulk says that after seeing his estranged wife Linda Hogan fuck on a young piece of jerky, he understands why OJ went on a stabbing rampage. If the bandana don't fit, you must acquit!

Hulk said, "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

I'm sure Hulk's Brooke Hogan look-alike girlfriend is there to lick the tears of pain off of his erect clit nips. I know what Hulk is saying, but he's too stupid to word it the right way. I mean, what if Linda and her mantoy were out hiking in the hills and some coyote with blonde hair mauled them? The police would see two bloody bodies covered in raggedy blonde hair and point directly at Hulk!

Besides, if Hulk really wants to do harm to someone he doesn't need to stab them. Just make them watch Mr. Nanny.

A statewide warning should have been issued to the entire state of Florida when Brooke Hogan spread her sausage thighs and unleashed her crotch of horror at Calle Ocho in Miami. Luckily, everyone survived. Well, except for that pole. Rest in peace, pole.... It's sad that it's last memories are of Brooke rubbing her 'gina jerky lips all over it.

While Brooke jiggled her pole on the pole, Hulk Hogan jizzed in his pants in the audience. I'm sure he's seen this act a trillion times. Every Christmas, Brooke probably entertains her family with this charming number. Right before they open their presents, Brooke opens her creamed beef box. I can't!

In the third thumbnail below, the dude sitting down says it all.

Linda Hogan's Mickey Mouse lawyer was holding a stupid press conference after a divorce hearing in Florida yesterday when Hulk Hogan crashed that shit and verbally tried to smackdown his ass. They are all trash, but when Hulk Hogan makes you look like the bigger bag of dildos, it's time to retire to the nearest landfill.

Linda's lawyer failed twice during this brawl of words. The first was when Hulk reminded him that he gave his son an autograph. The second was when he threw a funny party and nobody showed up. After Hulk storms out to dip his head in a bowl of cold peroxide, the lawyer jokes, "Now I know what it's like to be in the WWE now...." The dumb bitch was looking for a little chuck and all he got was crickets and a GONG!

By the way, is that a mop of polyester on the head of Hulk's lawyer? I think we found the secret love child of Kim Zolciak's pound puppy wig.