John Travolta

Yeah, yeah, I know that when the words "John, Travolta, gay, and sex" are thrown into the same sentence the word "scandal" does not apply at all, but I needed for it for theatrical purposes so go with it. The National Enquirer brings us this shocking tale that will make you drop the lube bottle (not really). An author who goes by the name of Robert Randolph is about to release a book about the "underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex" in Hollywood. Fuck The A-List, this shit right here should be a reality show.

Robert is planning to name names, but the first one he has spat up is probably the least shocking of them all. Robert tells the Enquirer that he has witnessed John Travolta humping on several different dudes at several different spas in L.A.

The last time Robert caught John with his tongue in the culo jar was this past October. Robert is now legally blind. No. But Robert did say that John has offered up his succulent nipple to suckle on several times. Robert said, "I met John in 1998, after he had married Kelly. I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind Kelly's back for years. He came on to me a number of times. I always turned him down. But there was always some guy who was willing to have sex with him. And John didn't stop cheating on Kelly after either of their children was born. John's a cheating dog. It's just been wrong, because his wife seems like such a sweet woman."

Robert, who passed a lie detector test for his interview with the Enquirer, also said that John's "secret gay life is one of Hollywood's worst kept secrets. He blatantly cruises guys, and doesn't seem to care who sees him. I saw him with his lover and he couldn't get enough. John should come out of the closet already and stop living a lie. His wife Kelly deserves so much better."

My guess is that John has come home with man pubes in his teeth for years, so I'm sure Kelly knows all about it. I mean, why do you think John spend hours in the Scientology sauna "purifying his soul." More like peenifying his hole. This is not news to many, so I doubt it's news to Kelly. Whatever works for them.

And I wish I could purify the image in my head of John with his tongue in the culo jar. Why do I do this to myself?

We all know that Lois Aldrin bloomed out of a moon crater during a lunar eclipse and was brought to this planet by Buzz Aldrin, but did you know that she's got Xenu's private Skype user name in her Rolodex?

Apparently she does (she probably cranks him in the middle of the day for fun), because here's Buzz, John Travolta, his manufactured hairline and Kelly Preston basking in the celestial orb above Lois' eyebrows at last night's Hubbardpalooza (aka The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 41st Anniversary Gala) in Los Angeles.

Obviously, John and Kelly are sticking to Lois, because when Earth's final day comes and the moon children arrive to collect their empress, those two are going to hitch a ride back to space by grabbing onto her marabou feather robe. That's there back-up plan. I see you, John and Kelly!

If you care, here's a few more pictures from last night's fuckery fest which was attended by: Rush Limbaugh in drag Nancy Cartwright, Erika Christensen and Jenna Elfman.

Right before Australia's World Cup match against Germany, John Travolta tried to boost their morale by farting out a few bars of "You're the One That I Want." The second hand embarrassment the players suffered fucked them up so bad that they lost to Germany, 4 to shit. They will never be the same again.

Why, John, why?! Now the Australian players will NEVER let you into the locker room so that you can sit on a pile of their dirty jock straps while watching them shower.

Source: Mirror via BWE

John Travolta must have shimmied his hips and jiggled his man chichis extra hard during the Scientology fertility ritual, because Star Magazine is saying that Kelly Preston has two adorable Xenulings growing in her womb. Kelly and John already confirmed that they are expecting, but they didn't say anything about her hatching twin boys.

A source claims that John's sperm thetans get stage fright when they see a real-life labia, so Kelly conceived through in vitro fertilization. The source added, “They were ecstatic when they thought they were having just one baby. Now that there will be two, they can barely contain their happiness!”

Well, John and Kelly better scream for joy while they can, because the Church of Mork calls for a silent birth. That's going to be interesting. John will have to bite onto one of Tommy Girl's butt plugs so he doesn't awake the theatans on his twin boys by screeching in excitement. John will freak out thinking about all the tap dance numbers he can choreograph for the three of them. I hope those boys like sequined sailor outfits.

And Suri better send the Travolta Twins a message telekinetically letting them know that John is their father, so they don't wail in terror after seeing his face for the first time.

Star Magazine is swearing that 47-year-old Kelly Preston is 3 months pregnant and the father is her husband John Travolta. Don't look at me. I don't know how it happened either, but I'm sure it involved Tommy Girl doing the Scientology fertility dance (aka the opening number to Xanadu) in a white feathered thong with L. Ron Hubbard's face on the crotch while Kirstie Alley ate Oreo Cakesters in the corner. Kiristie didn't have to be there, but she heard it was going to be catered so....

Anyway, we don't need to know the rest of the details. We don't need to board that spaceship. Speaking of spaceships...

The source tells Star that Kelly and John are over the you know what: "Kelly is about three months pregnant. Both she and John are absolutely over the moon — they knew in their hearts that the time was right for this to happen.”

John and Kelly probably LITERALLY went over the moon so that Xenu could high-five their asses and pass them a basket of barley water and bottles to last the baby at least 20 years. Suri Cruise will teach the Travolta baby how to pull off the "still drinking out of a bottle at the age 4" look.

The Travoltas have had a shit couple of years with their son dying last year, and then their dog friends passing away last week, so congratulations to them if this is true. Nanu nanu.

UPDATE: It's true. The Travolta family issued this statement of words to People:
"It’s impossible to keep a secret ... especially one as wonderful as this. We want to be the first to share this great news with everyone that we are expecting a new addition to our family.
Love, John, Kelly and Ella"

Sads time. John Travolta's two dogs were killed last Thursday after they were both struck by a truck on the tarmac at Bangor International Airport in Maine. After the family landed, one of their assistants took the dogs for a walk and an airport truck accidentally hit them. I know what you're thinking. Now is not the time to make a joke about John's wigs.

The Bangor Daily News got a hold of an e-mail that was sent to the Bangor City Manager regarding the accident:

“At approximately 1 a.m. on Thursday, May 13, 2010, an airplane carrying members of the John Travolta family landed at BIA. While there, two small dogs were taken for a walk by someone who is not a family member. An airport service pickup truck was approaching the airplane to service the airplane and did not see the dogs. Unfortunately, the dogs were struck and killed. The airport is investigating the accident. Out of respect for the family’s privacy the city will make no further comment.”

A rep for the Travolta family wasn't aware of the accident, but said he would look into it.

Awful, and kind of weird. Who was walking the dogs and were they on a leash? Those poor dogs were probably just looking for a good place to relieve their bladders. Well, they're in heaven now where they can piss wherever they want. Rest in peace, Travolta dogs.

J.D. Shaprio, the dude who wrote Battlefield Earth, issued a two-page formal apology for contributing to the barley-covered shit bomb that is L. Ron Hubbard's Ishtar! While Battlefield Earth is Xenu's favorite circle jerk porn, most of us had to eat every kind of anti-depressant on the market to get through the first hour. J.D. blames it all on his penis. Or as he calls it, his "Willy Wonker." I can't.

J.D. writes in the New York Post:

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker.

It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

J.D.'s Willy Wonker didn't meet any women, but he ended up striking up a conversation with the President of L.A.'s Scientology Center. She told J.D. that she was a fan of Robin Hood: Men In Tights (which he wrote). Karen asked J.D. if he was interested in turning any of L. Robin Hubbard's books into a movie. Instead of running into traffic, J.D. said he was interested. This led to a dinner with Scientology's pass-around-patty John Travolta, which eventually led to J.D. writing a scrip for Battlefield Earth.

A few days after I finished the script, a very excited Travolta called, told me he "loved it," and wanted to have dinner. At dinner, John said again how much he loved the script and called it "The 'Schindler's List' of sci-fi."

My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn't have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.

Um. Those "Bob Marley wigs" were made from Kirstie Alley's hard to reach taint hairs. Xenu very much.

As part of his research for the movie, J.D. went through Scientology's Purification Rundown and took part in Tommy Girl's Thetan exfoliation ceremony (which is basically just nekkid limbo).

I took a few courses, including the Purification Rundown, or Purif. You go to CC every day, take vitamins and go in and out of a sauna so toxins are released from your body. You're supposed to reach an "End Point." I never did, but I was bored so I told them I had a vision of L. Ron. They said, "What did he say?" "Pull my finger," was my response. They said I was done.

Before they started production, J.D. started getting "notes" from the producers. They wanted him to change the entire tone of his script. J.D. found out the notes came from the head hos at Scientology. When J.D. refused to change his script, they fired his ass.

Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can't help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest.

In the end, did Scientology get me laid? What do you think? No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, "I wrote Battlefield Earth!" If anything, I'm trying to figure out a way to bottle it and use it as birth control. I'll make a mint!

So there's your apology! Do with it what you will. And I'll let you know when J.D. issues a two-page apology for calling his penis his "Willy Wonker." And yes, I'm pretty sure he calls it that because his penis likes fudge. Tommy Girl's Scientohole just winked at that bit of information.

Neversquare at ONTD just had to point out how much Ke$sha looks like John Travolta in the face.....and in the crotch too, probably. DAMN TO THE FUCK! How am I going to watch Grease without picturing Danny Zuko barfing in Parasite Hilton's closet or licking Mick Jagger's asshole (Ed note: That probably happened in real life).

This must be some kind of Scientology trap, because I'd be willing to go through a week of Tommy Girl's Booty Camp in order to unsee that image. I didn't mean that, Scientologists. Please don't come beating on my front or back door.

Anyway, here's more of John Travolta's secret love child with a sewer rat dipping her never-ending crotch in Bondi Beach today.

John Travolta slipped on his waterproof lacefront, jumped into his private plane and flew to Haiti to drop off a bunch of relief supplies. Johnny's rep confirmed to CNN that he personally flew the plane himself. I'm going to straighten up my side-eye, because John taking supplies to Haiti is a good thing. John is doing more than most. But then I read this part....

"In addition to relief supplies, Travolta is bringing along his wife Kelly Preston, several doctors and Church of Scientology ministers."

Let's just hope that these Scientology ministers are only there to help unload the plane, and not there to E-meter the Haitians for Thetans.

Tommy Girl lives for a reason to put on his custom-made flight attendant unitard, but he didn't go to Haiti in case there's gay people there.

In the Bahamas, a judge shouted "MISTRIAL!" in the John Travolta extortion case due to possible shady jury behavior. Two people were on trial for allegedly trying to snatch $25 million from the Travolta family in exchange for their silence regarding details about their son's death in the Bahamas. Apparently, one of the defendants, an ambulance driver, threatened to tell the media that John was responsible for his son's death.

The trial went on for four looong weeks, and a verdict was expected at any minute. But last night, Picewill Forbes, a member of Parliament, announced at a political convention that defendant Pleasant Bridgewater (who should have been a 70s casino singer instead of an extorter) was acquitted of all charges. This was before an official verdict was announced by the jury. The judge in the case thinks that one of the jury members might have ran off and whispered the verdict into the politician's ear.

The judge ordered a retrial. John Travolta's attorney said that the whole thing is "weird," but his client will cooperate with the prosecution and testify again in the new trial. That's if the evil Pleasant Bridgewater even makes it to a new trial. I wouldn't be surprised if Pleasant Bridgewater suddenly disappears from real-life. Don't mess with Ron!

Source: The Los Angeles Times