Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.
Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.
Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.
When Jesse James opens his mouth, either words of shit or a tattooed genital wart he accidentally swallowed while licking on his skank-of-the-moment falls out. Last night, the former came out of his talk hole. The moment absolutely nobody was waiting for happened last night when Vanilla Gorilla returned to reality TV on a show that should've been called American Shit Talkers instead of American Chopper: The Build-Off. Because instead of spending all of his time building stuff, VG threw shade at the woman who was supposedly the love of his life. VG said in so many words that marrying Sandra Bullock turned him into a fake Hollywood husband and now he's sorry for that:
"I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad. . . I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show 'em that I'm still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I'm not what I became."
Isn't this the same "some Hollywood actress" that helped raise his daughter while her mom was off being a mess? Well, it must be freeing for Vanilla Gorilla to know that the world no longer sees the "loving husband" shell he was hiding in and now sees him for what he truly is: a complete asshole. Good for you, VG. And VG didn't talk to his biker friends because of Sandra Bullock. VG literally couldn't talk to them because his mouth was always full of tattooed labia.
Many have tried and some have come close, but so far in history not one BABY!!! has toppled Louis Bullock as the junior side-eye throwing champion and he proved this once again while dressed up in Pirates of the Carabeinadorable drag at some pirate party in L.A. with his mom Sandra Bullock yesterday. Louis B usually has Monday face, but he actually broke into a smile during the party and I'm not saying it had something to do with the fact that he's making a happy into his peek-a-boo (peek-a-poo?) diaper. Speaking of that, I will refrain from making FIX YER SELF BABY comments, because Louis' "Yo Ho Yo Ho Back Up" side-eye is telling me to do so.
The entire internet gathering together to pray that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds end up licking each other's nipples for the rest of eternity has finally paid off, because the two were photographed going on a hike with friends through Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming last weekend. TMZ says that Ryan, Sandra and her Baby Louis are all vacationing together in Jackson Hole. When you're Ryan and Sandra and you're together in Jackson Hole, you're obviously jacking each other's holes (just nod that like that makes sense).
You know, I will never understand why everyone wants Sandra and Ryan together the same way I wanted Beverly Hills 90210 to end with Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay dancing for the first time as husband on wife on Kelly Taylor's grave. But yeah, your praying paid off, because these two are totally doing it.
Or maybe they're just friends and Ryan is only hanging around Sandra, because witnessing Baby Louis' signature side-eye in the flesh feels like Jesus himself just blew an air kiss of life into your soul. That's probably it.
Vanilla Gorilla writes in his memoirs that he never felt he was on the same level as Sandra Bullock, because she's a high-class movie star with refinement running through her veins and he's a piece of trash biker kid who listens to his music too loud. VG goes on to write that he felt trapped being married to Sandra which is one of the reasons why he licked on every tattooed labia in the skank bouquet. There's one way he's putting the blame on Sandra. VG subtlety put more blame on Sandra yesterday during an interview with Howard Stern. But before we get to that mess, here's what VG had to say when Howard asked him if his ex-wife was better at sex shit than his current fiancee. You already know the answer.
Howard: Who's more fun in bed? Sandra Bullock or Kat Von D?
Jesse: That one's an easy no-brainer.
Howard: ....Kat Von D
Jesse: Yes, sir. Hundred percent.
Howard: Hundred percent?
Jesse: She's a vixen, man. I love her.
Howard: What is she doing in that bed? She must be hanging from the ceiling.
Jesse: She just... Man, the way she just gets in my head and makes me feel. You know, it's a mental thing. Just connected on a whole different level.
If Sandra Bullock has the stuff that makes nutsacks burst into the clouds above and open a pathway to heaven for the angels' voices to travel through, this bitch would still say Kat Von D. If Kat Von D gave head like a catatonic turtle and laid there like an al dente lasagna noodle, he'd still say Kat Von D. The answer to that question is: who ever he's currently fucking. Therefore that question and answer are both invalid. Moving on.... Howard then brought up a very good point.
Howard: If she cheated on you, you'd be devastated. You'd understand the hurt that Sandra went through.
Jesse: If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.
See, another slight dig followed by a slap of blame. Vanilla Gorilla is full of so much cold shit that it's starting to back up and trickle out of his mouth. Even an enema the size of the Hoover Dam can't clear him out.
Kat Von D should really take his words as a dare and scoot her poon all over everywhere. Let her vag flag fly without shame! Just leave a trail and see what he does then. Take him up on that, Kat!
Vanilla Gorilla packed up his whore couch and swastika nipple charms and moved from California to Austin, Texas so that his daughter Sunny could spend more time Sandra Bullock and so that he could bask in Baby Louis' impeccable side-eye action. This is not how it's playing out. VG is bawling into his crying cloth, because Baby Louis is picking up the phone and slamming it down when he calls. Baby Louis will not bless VG by throwing a shank eye at him live and in person. That would make me weep too, actually.
Vanilla Gorilla's got a memoir to whore out and he sat down with Vicki Mabrey of Nightline to talk about what life has been like since shit (being his dick) hit the shit (being Bombshell McGee). Even though VG and Sandra inhale the same Texas oxygen, he's barely seen her face and she's only hung out with Sunny twice. Get your shit a floatie and ride on the pool of herp pus tears that flowed out of VG's eyes:
"I've never seen Louis since everything happened, so a year. Sunny has only seen Sandra couple of times, but there has been no contact at all for several months.
I could only cry so much about [Louis] until I have to suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and realize, Hey, [there are] three kids that I do have. I need to take care of them and not worry about the one that I don't, you know, and I think that's the lesson.
[Moving to Texas and closing West Coast Choppers was a way] to get out of California. I think I was just dad again. And like, eliminated all of the things that distracted me from being a dad. ... I think we're all connecting better. I think for the first time in their lives, they can depend on me to be there and I think the life here is better, you know, for the family."
My stepmother was a one-legged cunt witch (no relation to Heather Mills) who served us half-baked almond cookies and made us sleep on her living room floor with just couch cushions and scratchy throws (WORSE THAN PRISON!), so I pretty much hopped a jig when she moved far far away and never contacted us again. But if the one-legged cunt witch gave me a real pillow to sleep on and served me fully baked almond cookies, I would've been sort of sad to never talk her again. However, I'm sure it would've been awkward for her to serve me fully baked almond cookies while looking into the face that is directly connected to the man who fucked his side pieces in her guest bathroom. I don't know. But I do know that Sunny is lucky that her daddy picked up Kat Von D so she has a new female figure to look up to. I'm sure they'll bond when Kat gives Sunny her first neck tattoo in a couple of months.
Perhaps Sandra Bullock was afraid that ScarJo, The Bride of Mumblestein, would send Frankenstein's monster after her ass, because she denied that she's rubbing her chocha on Ryan Reynolds' ribbed (for everyone's pleasure) abs. That was a good move on Sandy's part, because I don't think she would've seen the mumbling wrath of ScarJo coming since the remake of The Shaggy Dog was blocking her eyesight. Every mother in the world was itching to grab Sandy's clip-on bangs in a fist and hack that shit off with a pair of kitchen scissors. My sister spent most of her childhood with wonky bangs that looked like they were cut with a vegetable chopper. My mom's rule was that if your bang tips kissed your eyelashes, hand her the scissors. No bang/lash love allowed! But back to Sandy's denial.
When Al Roker from Today (via People) asked Sandy about the rumor that's fucking on ScarJo's seconds, she said this:
"I think there will be a collective sigh amongst women across the United States when I say he's not my lovah. He's just an amazing friend for 10 years ... but I don't get his loving after dark."
Okay, Sandra. We won't believe that your bangs are hiding the hickey that Ryan gave you on your forehead. Okay.
Here's a few more pictures of Sandy's bang issue as well as a few pictures of ScarJo looking like a Chrysler hood ornament (sans wings).
Ryan Reynolds has never held up his hand and admitted that he's healing his broken heart by doing ab crunches while Sandra Bullock rides on top (Ryan Reynolds does ab crunches in his sleep, so of course he does it during sex times), but apparently they are dating. And apparently, ScarJo isn't happy about it. One of ScarJo's friends tells The National Enquirer (aka The Grain of Salt Times) that she called Sandra a "man-hungry tramp" among other things.
ScarJo still has feelings for Ryan and thinks it was wrong of Sandra to get on that shit before his divorce is final. The source also added these fightin' words: "She still has intense feelings for Ryan and feels Sandra isn't respecting that at all. Sandra may be known as 'America's Sweetheart,' but she's NO sweetheart to Scarlett."
Whoever at The National Enquirer wrote this mess has obviously been watching reruns of Laverne & Shirley and/or Three's Company, because who says "man-eating tramp" anymore? That's some shit Shirley shouted at Rhonda. That's olden times talk. Not only that, but Sandra is as square as Prostitution Whore's tits, so I don't think she could be a man-eating tramp if she tried. Maybe what the source really meant is that Sandra lives a double life as "America's sweetheart" and a cannibal hobo. That, I might believe.
Both UsWeekly and OK! Magazine are calling Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds LYING ASS LIARS for denying that their genitals have spent some intimate time together. It all started on New Year's Eve when Ryan and Sandra sat together at her restaurant, Bess Bistro, in Austin, Texas. Witnesses claimed that the two were laughing, smiling and most likely finger banging each other under the table. But Sandra's rep let out a "NO! NO! NO!" scream louder than the one Bombshell McGee's free clinic gynecologist makes every time he has to venture down under.
Despite the denial, sources say that Sandra and Ryan kissed that night and left together at 2 in the morning. One source tells OK! that Sandra has been soothing Ryan's broken heart over the phone for a few weeks and was "thrilled" when he accepted the invitation to her NYE party. A different source close to Ryan gave up some insightful information that TOTALLY proves they're fucking their troubles away, "I'm sure they've bonded over the breakups. Going through a divorce is a unique thing to live through. Ryan always got excited talking about Sandra and liked being around her."
There's really no proof here that these two are more than just friends. Besides, if Ryan wanted to partake in a rebound fuck with one of his co-stars from The Proposal, I'd like to think he'd go with Betty White. That's the right choice. Although, he probably did and Betty turned him down since she's doesn't pick up ScarJo's leftovers. If it is true, though, good for them for getting some ass. It's probably nice for Sandra being with a dude who doesn't scream out "Are you ready for the Reichsmark shot?!" before he cums.
And now I'll leave you alone so that you can cut and paste your face over Sandra's in the picture above. It should be YOU posing next to Ryan while he's making a "the places this glass dildo is going to go...." face.
At last night's Teen Choice Awards (aka the only awards show Roman Polanski Tivos), Sandra Bullock and the queen of the world Betty White performed a G-rated version of Jennifer Connelly's ass to ass scene from Requiem for a Dream for all the chirruns in the audience. No, but that's immediately where my gutter brain went when I first saw this picture. Sandra and Betty bumped nalgas on stage after winning some stupid award for Best Dance.
I bet Betty doesn't even know what she won for. Betty gets an award for burping in the morning, so she just threw that stupid surfboard shit into the warehouse with her other accolades and went back to sitting on her throne.
You know who else was there last night? Not drinking during the daytime is doing wonders for Snooki, because bitch looked all kinds of beautiful last night: